Having Trouble finding a way to initiate contact to see if there is interest

[whichwayisup]

Ouch...I do appreciate the honesty however. I am a completely different love-struck person right now.

 

Just to clarify I am not hitting on women. Although yes I have found some attractive, I don't think that is uncommon. I have never flirted or acted on anything. Maybe a little borderline with this new woman however. Nothing over the line but have not minded smiling or talking to her.

 

We actually have been working on the marriage. We both know it isn't good. We've done counselling. We've had talks (in a mature non-fighting way) and both agree that things aren't right.

 

Anyway it is very hard to explain. I'm worried that I am with the wrong person but have no idea how to know for sure.

 

well, trying out another woman (having an affair) to see if that will bring you more happiness is selfish and cruel to your wife. Either focus on fixing your marriage and reconnecting with your wife, or divorce. Or maybe see if she's interested in an open marriage. Just don't go cheat, that will make your marriage worse, bring on more problems, you'll detach from your wife and put effort elsewhere...

 

Or, separate and both you date others. Just don't go lying and sneaking around since it seems you and your wife aren't fighting.

[whichwayisup]

This ^^

 

Any child care worker worth their salt will greet the parents warmly at the end of the day. And yes, they will take notice of the child's home environment.

 

I find it incredibly sad that some women in the workplace are viewed by some men as potential lovers instead of as a professional who's doing her job.

 

OP, if you approach her on private email, expect her to report you to her supervisor. And expect the supervisor to put you in your place. Also, expect your wife to find out.

 

And others to find out and gossip about it, causing issues for your children.

 

Don't date other women when you're still married.

[tinkerbell16]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609835-what-i-would-tell-myself-year-ago-if-i-had-chance

 

Here's the deal. There are billions of humans on this planet.

 

Women and men married and single have free will to engage in relationships appropriate or not, with many.

 

It is the choices we make that speak to our character and moral beings.

 

If you are married and pursuing other woman it will damage the marriage likely beyond repair.

 

Do some self evaluation if you give two sh"ts about your children and wife.

 

Divorce will change them and how they think of you forever.

 

There are reasons why you seek ego boosts from the outside. Your wife and marriage have little to do with it.

 

It is a poor coping mechanism, based in low self esteem.

 

She is not the answer. She has flaws, she would irritate you and take you for granted after time and typicall relationship stresses.

 

You don't fix yourself you end up in the same relationship with another woman only with blended family with more problems and stressers then you will feel even worse for over complicating your life and damaging your wife and kids.

[ShatteredLady]

"Divorce will change them and how they think of you forever."

 

AND

 

Adultery will change the way they think of themselves, relationships, love & life forever!

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We actually have been working on the marriage. We both know it isn't good. We've done counselling. We've had talks (in a mature non-fighting way) and both agree that things aren't right

 

So things are not right in the marriage. How is chasing this woman helping your marriage. It's impossible to work on your marriage while actively pursuing an affair.

 

Work on your marriage or divorce. Those are your only two options... if you have any respect for your wife and kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

You will be a great break room story as a creepy Dad.

 

jason_12345, while this may not be true, you did say this:

 

It started with more eye contact, smiles, and then we had conversations, I tend to notice that she seems to be looking out for when I arrive so she can come say hello, etc. This is the first time for me that I have been this interested in another woman.

 

Many people are instinctively perceptive to these kinds of clues and differences in body languages. I guarantee she - and other people too - is aware of your interest, your feelings are not as secret as you might hope they'd be...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SolG]

Hi Jason. I'm an OW who's been posting here for awhile, and who has also read extensively here and elsewhere about As.

 

IMO your story is not an unusual one. MM/W hits a point in their M where things are really tough. Be it illness, death, unemployment, lack of sex, big differences of opinion, or even just stagnation, etc etc.... and they feel that they have reached an impasse in that progress beyond this point is tooooooo difficult.

 

So they take their sense of lacking out there and look for a panacea. 'I' feel so alone... angry... misunderstood... invalidated... emasculated... mortal... Oh look! There's someone who can help me feel better about whateveritis. And lo and behold when I engage with them the whateveritis feels better!

 

But the truth of the matter is that the whateveritis is only being addressed in the most superficial of ways in an A. Because the whateveritis is generally speaking only a part of the whole. An A is a bandaid applied to the papercut five miles from the sucking chest wound. And the sucking chest wound is the inability of the WS to address what reallly needs addressing... which is the whateveritis and why it exists, with the one person--their spouse--who has the most vested interest in knowing about what whateveritis is.

 

And at it's core the whateveritis in its actual whole context is denied at all cost by the WS because of fear of rejection if truly known. It's fear of intimacy and its innate risks. I bet my bottom dollar that this appies to you OP.

 

Why can't you tell your W about where you're truly at? That you're feeling like your marital circumstances are so dire that you need the validation of an OW to feel wanted and liked? And hypothetically if you were to actively pursue the OW, are you planning to tell her the depths of your despair about your M and life in intimate detail? Or simply just lay out your whateveritis for her stroking? The truth is that to be wholly known incurs the risk of rejection. From either or or both. And frankly many WSs are just too cowardly to risk either. They'd rather have a W/H and an AP both enamoured with the parts they choose to reveal in each respective context. And be divided and less than in the process. But be rejected by neither but also not truly loved.

 

It's counterintuitive, but common, for a WS to say I can't tell my W/H how I really feel or what I am doing because it will hurt them... Whilst embarking on behaviour that would more than likely hurt them more!

 

A BS here on LS coined the term that an A is an outsourcing of intimacy. And I whole heartedly endorse that term.

 

You, OP are vulnerable to an A because your whateveritis is unshared in its full truth and context in terms of what it reveals about you. Your choice... take it to the realm of an A and have it superficially addressed... get that compartmentalized ego stroke and retain your M for as long as you can sustain the deception. Or man the eff up and be courageous and fully known by your W. Yep, that risks rejection. But wouldn't you rather be rejected and respected for who you are, than loved by one or two women through deception and withholding and pain?

 

Your choice Jason. But seriously, I believe that first and foremost your W deserves your honesty. She deserves to know you. And you, by virtue of your vow of monogamy should give her that honesty, agengy and choice. Before you look elsewhere and outsource your intimacy to everyone's detriment.

 

Be courageous and true.

[tinkerbell16]

Hi Jason. I'm an OW who's been posting here for awhile, and who has also read extensively here and elsewhere about As.

 

IMO your story is not an unusual one. MM/W hits a point in their M where things are really tough. Be it illness, death, unemployment, lack of sex, big differences of opinion, or even just stagnation, etc etc.... and they feel that they have reached an impasse in that progress beyond this point is tooooooo difficult.

 

So they take their sense of lacking out there and look for a panacea. 'I' feel so alone... angry... misunderstood... invalidated... emasculated... mortal... Oh look! There's someone who can help me feel better about whateveritis. And lo and behold when I engage with them the whateveritis feels better!

 

But the truth of the matter is that the whateveritis is only being addressed in the most superficial of ways in an A. Because the whateveritis is generally speaking only a part of the whole. An A is a bandaid applied to the papercut five miles from the sucking chest wound. And the sucking chest wound is the inability of the WS to address what reallly needs addressing... which is the whateveritis and why it exists, with the one person--their spouse--who has the most vested interest in knowing about what whateveritis is.

 

And at it's core the whateveritis in its actual whole context is denied at all cost by the WS because of fear of rejection if truly known. It's fear of intimacy and its innate risks. I bet my bottom dollar that this appies to you OP.

 

Why can't you tell your W about where you're truly at? That you're feeling like your marital circumstances are so dire that you need the validation of an OW to feel wanted and liked? And hypothetically if you were to actively pursue the OW, are you planning to tell her the depths of your despair about your M and life in intimate detail? Or simply just lay out your whateveritis for her stroking? The truth is that to be wholly known incurs the risk of rejection. From either or or both. And frankly many WSs are just too cowardly to risk either. They'd rather have a W/H and an AP both enamoured with the parts they choose to reveal in each respective context. And be divided and less than in the process. But be rejected by neither but also not truly loved.

 

It's counterintuitive, but common, for a WS to say I can't tell my W/H how I really feel or what I am doing because it will hurt them... Whilst embarking on behaviour that would more than likely hurt them more!

 

A BS here on LS coined the term that an A is an outsourcing of intimacy. And I whole heartedly endorse that term.

 

You, OP are vulnerable to an A because your whateveritis is unshared in its full truth and context in terms of what it reveals about you. Your choice... take it to the realm of an A and have it superficially addressed... get that compartmentalized ego stroke and retain your M for as long as you can sustain the deception. Or man the eff up and be courageous and fully known by your W. Yep, that risks rejection. But wouldn't you rather be rejected and respected for who you are, than loved by one or two women through deception and withholding and pain?

 

Your choice Jason. But seriously, I believe that first and foremost your W deserves your honesty. She deserves to know you. And you, by virtue of your vow of monogamy should give her that honesty, agengy and choice. Before you look elsewhere and outsource your intimacy to everyone's detriment.

 

Be courageous and true.

 

Very well written. Accurate. Poignant.

[tinkerbell16]

Hi all - thanks for the feedback. I was not expecting a "go for it" at all so the insults do help. I don't expect sympathy just trying to explain my feelings, figure why I feel this way for this person in particular and never anyone else, etc.

 

Our marriage has been awkward for a bit. This new interest did not cause the marriage issues.

 

Just a couple of things though. This woman does not look after my children, but is around. I certainly know that if I read this all wrong that i'd be opening myself up for ridicule. I do realize this is wrong but I want to know if this person has interest in me. Maybe I have underlying issues unrelated to all of this that are causing this but this is the first time feeling this way in at least 10 years. In my mind, I wasn't going to email and confess my interest, just thank her for helping with my child the other day when she didn't need to. Again in my mind if she replied it could probably tell a lot (i.e. could begin getting over this if I read the situation wrong).

 

I don't expect sympathy but this has been a struggle for me. These are weird feelings that I never expected.

 

Anyway thank you - and sorry if some of you have been hurt by idiots like me.

 

Victim mentality. Why would you care about online strangers feelings when you don't seem to care about your wife's feelings?

[BTDT2012]

Thank you again everyone. Maybe I didn't explain things well but nothing has happened and i'm trying to figure out why I am having these feelings. I am not being made fun of in the break room, no one is concerned for my kids welfare (yes I would know if there were concerns), etc. I do however take the points as valid especially if I put myself out there and attempted to create something. But nothing of the such has happened. I have a good relationship with the owner (no not that kind) and have had discussions in the past on kids progress, helping out with volunteer things, etc. She is the type that would bring problems up.

 

Anyway I will bow out now. I know what I need to do. Thank you to those that could kind of understand where I was coming from.

You could benefit from IC along with your MC.

[dragonfly23]

Whether you get a divorce or not, you and your wife will still have to interact with each other on a regular basis because you have children. Doing your best to remain friends is the best thing you can do for your children. An affair will destroy any chance of that! Even though you are curious, you would still most likely feel devisted or at least hurt, if you found out she was thinking this way about another man.

[wmacbride]

I can understand your wandering eye, but please, don't act on it.

 

If you and your wife are headed for divorce, having an affair will only makes things much worse. You'll split on bad terms, which is not good for your children or you and your wife either.

 

If you do stay together, an A will cut your W right to the core. The pain you see in her eyes will be something you'll never forget. Also, if you view yourself as basically an honest guy, cheating has no place in that vision.

[minimariah]

Since I don't think it is appropriate to ask at her workplace, I don't know if sending her an email to thank her for doing something for my kids is too creepy...

 

it is.

 

you're using your kids as a pick up line... LITERALLY - while married to someone else. it really can't get any creepier than that!

[Cephalopod]

It really is simple. Either work on your marriage to regain your love and attraction to your wife, or divorce her and become a single man again.

 

Don't cheat on your wife. Just don't do it. You will be lowering yourself, and once you cross that boundary there is no going back. You will always be a cheater after that point.

 

You only have to steal once to be a thief. You only have to kill once to be a murderer. One bad decision can define you for the rest of your life.