Emotional abuse..... The worst kind of all

[EASurvivor]

Hi all,

 

I need some support after a very difficult I guess you would call it one-sided break up with a man who is capable of portraying a complete alternate being of himself.

 

We met on this teenage online dating site (I'm only 19 years old and have had barely any dating experience) back in late September. He messaged me "hello angel" and I instantly thought he was a sweetheart; not to mention he's Indian so you can imagine he looked gorgeous. It was nice to be talking to a sweet guy who I thought didn't only have one thought in mind with me, and we became fast friends.

 

The first "big deal" was when my account acted up and it wouldn't let me private message anybody for some reason. When it became morning in India, he thought I blocked him and edited his about me to try to get my attention saying if I thought he was a bad boy he isn't, etc. and he posted pictures of all his social medias so I could try to get a hold of him. When I found this I immediately looked up his Kik and sent a message explaining who I was and what happened. Things were great after that and eventually he admitted that if we kept talking and getting closer he was going to fall in love with me. At first he claimed he thought it wasn't possible because we were so far away from each other and could only be friends but he couldn't take it anymore, that's also why he put in the effort to try to get my attention on the original site we met on.

 

This man became my boyfriend and way more. We messaged each other whenever we were both awake and time permitted us to, eventually we moved to Facebook and posted a public relationship status, we started video calling each other, everything seemed perfect and euphoric. He even started making serious comments like he wants to be with me forever, talking about plans to fly here, etc. It turned out we had identical ideas of how we wanted to live our lives. I thought I found my person. I had fallen in love with this sweet Indian man who never said one thing out of line to me and always made sure I was happy. He was always there for me. He was my favorite part of my day and he said I was his as well. My best friend.

 

Unfortunately this didn't last forever... As time went on he stopped messaging me the minute he woke up. Everything started to slowly slow down. The first time we fought was when I saw his account on the dating site was still up and there were new girls on his friends list. I confronted him about it and he claims that his brother who is a year and a half younger than him asked for his account information after he met me. I got confused because he had mentioned his brother before and talked about how he was a bad person that hated and didn't trust girls because one hurt him. I mentioned that and he said that his brother was using them. I didn't believe him and it blew out of proportion until he called me on Facebook. He had been crying. I was really shocked and decided that he must be telling the truth. So we made up and things went back to normal. I also looked up his brother on Facebook and was able to validate that he's a real person.

 

We had a fight in the beginning of December because I went to my profile one day and noticed it only said "In a Relationship" instead of "In a Relationship with ______". Thoughts instantly ran through my head and I got really angry as a result. He told me to calm down that I wasn't there when he was awake and he planned to tell me when I was, that in India relationships are still really taboo and a friend of his dad's criticized him over it so his dad made him change it back to single. It made no sense to me. I did some online research and found that this taboo thing was true, so I decided to calm down and he eventually said his family members still knew about me and that they knew he was in love with me.

 

After that things were never really consistent... I didn't know when I was going to hear from him everyday and our conversations had really dwindled. He never said much and that annoyed me but I put up with it anyway. He eventually started doing small things like making jokes about other girls and testing my loyalty. He always somehow assured me that anything suspecting was a joke.

 

We broke up temporarily over Christmas due to a cultural misunderstanding where I asked him if I had his baby would he be in the room with me and he laughed and asked if I was serious. I probably acted childish here like a teenage female and ended the conversation and ignored him if he asked why I wanted to go. It turns out in India men aren't allowed in the delivery room, but he got mad over that understandably and we would ignore each other and if we did speak it was an argument, mostly me pestering him trying to get him to talk to me. I finally did leave him alone for almost two days after attempting a make up because he never messaged me back. When he came back he asked me why I didn't miss him and I said "well you're ignoring me on Kik" and he said he didn't see. We finally made up after that and the experience helped me some honestly for future relationships.

 

The big breaker was last week. He sent me screenshots of him "joking" with a girl from his past that she was irritating him trying to get him to say I love you to her. I knew right then I wasn't the crazy one (I always found excuses for it to be me.....) and he threatened to break his phone when I accused him of cheating and didn't listen when he said not to worry. He finally just logged back on Facebook for the first time today since then but didn't open any of my messages.

 

I had became friends with these two girls who knew him before me and they revealed a dark past about him during this week that he's been gone. He used to sexually harass girls, even faking a suicide and afterwards laughing about it saying why would he do that for a s*** girl. They sent screenshots with all the proof. The sweet Indian man who had became everything to me was fake. During the first few days he was gone I had tried to get a hold of him everywhere with the girls saying he'll be back. I didn't say anything to my parents because we usually made up within two days. He never came back online. Eventually I realized I didn't need this and admitted everything and sent a message saying we were done. He still hasn't seen it. The girls thought he had changed since the past because all the stuff that happened was before he met me and had even apologized for his past actions. He told them I was his angel. Everything. You wouldn't guess he was really this psychotic monster that's out to hurt women. Apparently in India you're taught men come first. Women don't matter. I even told him very personal stuff like my grandparents who were my biggest relationship role model because they met as teenagers, became best friends, fell in love, and are now 65 years married. His response was "like us?" How can you say that and not mean it?????

 

It's been a very big shock to me. I mean I'm angry and definitely done with him but now it's just understanding.... how can you do that to someone and not see an issue with it? It's scarred me for life.

 

If anyone can offer me some advice I'd really appreciate it. Abuse doesn't have to be verbal or physical. It can be hidden. It's emotional torture. Thank you to anybody who took the time to read this.

[aileD]

Have you ever met this man in person?

[kmpisces]

I am concerned if you never met him. He could be a catfish. It sounds like he has no respect for women. I would not contact him further. You are young. You will find an amazing and good guy when the time is right.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you never met him. Please do not bother with people so far away. You know nothing about anyone on the internet. You have to take time to test out if they are real and that their circumstances are what they say. It is easy to 'fall in love' with an image of someone and it is an addictive feeling. You have found out things about him since which I hope will put you off him. Please be careful, there are people on the net who deliberately try to get men or women to fall in love with them so they can use them for money or whatever. You sound young and vulnerable.

 

If anything makes you feel uneasy, anxious, used, confused, consider why you are feeling like that. What have they done to make you feel that? Do not assume everyone is wonderful and genuine. You really need to learn from this experience and protect yourself.

 

Please do not think you will be scarred for life. You are hurt now and that is entirely understandable. Just make sure you pick someone nearer home next time who you can check out properly. Keep yourself safe. You matter! This guy's poor behaviour reflects badly on him not you.

Edited January 28, 2017 by spiderowl