My wife depression is suffocating me! !

[jalbright]

Ok so before I start describing my wife and the effects of her depression I want to make it clear as to not over exaggerate, my wife has her mental struggles but is not some raging depressed maniac. She is a kind loving person with literally the biggest heart I’ve ever seen. Her love, care and empathy for others leaves me in awe sometimes and it’s probably what I love about her most. However, her depression is really really starting to wear me down emotionally. Hell even physically some days. We’re both in our early thirties, married for about 6 months and together for about 6 years.

 

We come from completely different home upbringings. My parents remained married, stable, and loving. I had good work ethic, drive, and resilience installed in me since I was young. My wife didn’t have the healthiest upbringing from her parents who eventually divorced and some other issues which have helped lead to her depression/anxiety. Emotional issues run a bit in her family. Vicious cycle. She is 100% aware and accepting of her issues and has tried to work on them via counseling/medication etc. I’m generally a very optimistic and happy person, always have been and of course she a bit on the other side of the spectrum. I fully understand the patience and understanding needed when dealing with a depressed loved one. I’ve gotten better overtime in my approach to her and try to learn and more to keep heading in that direction.

 

However, I’d be lying if I said her depression wasn’t taking its toll on me. Some days I can tolerate her negative energy and then some days it just clouds me with a deflated feeling that is hard to even describe. Almost putting myself in a mini depression. Fortunately I can shake it off relatively quickly. We usually are up together in the morning before work before leaving then a few hours into our day one of us will usually text the other just to say hey. Some days I’m literally so fearful to send that “hey babe how’s it going” text bc I know the negative energy I will likely receive back. Whether its her issues w/ work, friends, family, her weight or some other random annoyance. It’s just the constant of that I really struggle with. She often has problems that she brings to me but it always ends up where I’m in a position to say nothing right, sometimes literally speechless and saying to myself I really have no clue how I could say anything correct at this moment. I cant offer advice or my opinion to help bc she usually ends up defensive cause it may be a productive thing to say but its an issue bc simply it’s something she doesn’t want to hear. She doesn’t really want my advice to help w/ a problem but rather just someone to agree with her that all she’s complaining about is justified and she should be angry and annoyed. Make sense? And I cant always agree w/ her anger 100% of the time. I cant just agree and justify her anger bc I know that acting that way is not going to help really her.

 

Just an example. Most recently shes gone on a diet and doing some exercise, and like most things that present a tough challenge for her, she quickly becomes so discourage and angry about it wants to quit. She keeps telling me how she should do this diet or this workout instead cause she’s miserable with shes currently doing. I finally told her that it doesn’t matter what diet or work out you until you can adjust your mindset and attitude towards. You’ll hate anything you try without the right approach to it. Shes literally broken down in tears saying how she wants just lose weight but doesn’t want to basically do any work it takes to achieve that. That quickly turn into her saying shes not like me and that I’m being insensitive. I mean what am I supposed to say?! The only thing she would have taken kindly is if I said “you’re right babe its not worth it, you should just not worry about it”. But I cant do that! I want my wife to succeed, achieve, and accomplish. Progress equals happiness so I just cant make her seem like good intentions aren’t worth fighting for. And I’m not just talking about some weight loss. So even though I respectfully and nicely said to her what I truly believe is advice that will help I still just cant win. This theme in general is how it goes often with a lot of her issues she brings to me just to provide an idea.

 

We planned to start trying for our first child soon but Im honestly fearful of her mental state going into a pregnancy. I just don’t know. I know extra care and patience is required in loving a depressed wife but at some point what about me bc this a huge challenge for me as well!

[BlackCherry]

Is she working with a therapist right now? There are some therapies that are enormously successful for depression, especially CBT. A good therapist can help her to understand how her upbringing moulded the core beliefs she holds about herself, how she developed rules for living which enabled her to survive while holding these beliefs, and why she responds the way she does to difficulties (for example, when faced with a challenge such as her diet not being easy or quick, she wants to give in straight away rather than persevere). She can learn how to challenge and modify the way she thinks.

 

I respect how committed and empathetic you are to your wife, enormously. She's lucky to have you. But depression is a real, treatable illness, and it's been going on for such a long time, I would be expecting her at this point (in your position) to be doing everything she can to address the depression. Medication can be incredibly helpful, but without therapy, it's going to be a mere sticking plaster. When she stops the medication, she's left with who she is and always was.

 

Hold off on having a child until your wife has this under control and had made some serious and sustained changes to her day to day mood and attitude, pregnancy and hormones are likely to make untreated depression even worse and put her at risk for postnatal depression. Hopefully if she does want a child, the goal of having a family will be enough of a carrot for her to do the hard work necessary to tackle this depression.

 

Of course I'm taking your post at face value and assuming she does have properly diagnosed clinical depression here, but you may need to do some serious thinking about whether or not you feel the marriage is sustainable for you if, after therapy, the person your wife is has not changed enough for you. There's a chance that a lot of this negativity is simply who she is, or that she may be unwilling to do what it takes to recover. Some depression is treatment resistant but all you can ask for at this stage is to see that she is trying, and putting her all into this.

 

Depression is tough, I have periods of it and I despise the partner I am when I'm that way. But I also do everything I can to get past it, including therapy, group therapy and medication, I really try to help myself. If I wasn't, I'd expect my partner to walk away. It's a horrible thing to experience but it's awful for family and partners too, it brings others down, spreads negativity and makes you a poor teammate and ally in a partnership. Ultimately, your wife has to want to get better for HERSELF. But the truth is, if things go on for much longer without getting better, many partners feel that for their own mental health they cannot stay any longer. I wish you and your wife all the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just an example. Most recently shes gone on a diet and doing some exercise, and like most things that present a tough challenge for her, she quickly becomes so discourage and angry about it wants to quit. She keeps telling me how she should do this diet or this workout instead cause she’s miserable with shes currently doing. I finally told her that it doesn’t matter what diet or work out you until you can adjust your mindset and attitude towards. You’ll hate anything you try without the right approach to it. Shes literally broken down in tears saying how she wants just lose weight but doesn’t want to basically do any work it takes to achieve that. That quickly turn into her saying shes not like me and that I’m being insensitive. I mean what am I supposed to say?! The only thing she would have taken kindly is if I said “you’re right babe its not worth it, you should just not worry about it”. But I cant do that! I want my wife to succeed, achieve, and accomplish. Progress equals happiness so I just cant make her seem like good intentions aren’t worth fighting for. And I’m not just talking about some weight loss. So even though I respectfully and nicely said to her what I truly believe is advice that will help I still just cant win. This theme in general is how it goes often with a lot of her issues she brings to me just to provide an idea.

 

Certainly no expert on depression though I do have some family experience with it.

 

Some of this also comes down to the different ways men and women typically communicate. You're wasting your time with "what I truly believe is advice that will help", success or failure with something like dieting is her responsibility and solely under her control. She may just be venting and simply looking for your general support.

 

I'd keep my responses short, positive and neutral - "hang in there", "I can see how hard that is", "looks like you're really trying", etc. You can only get pulled down the rabbit hole if you allow yourself to...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited January 16, 2017 by Mr. Lucky
spelling

[rushed]

Certainly no expert on depression though I do have some family experience with it.

 

Some of this also comes down to the different ways men and women typically communicate. You're wasting your time with "what I truly believe is advice that will help", success or failure with something like dieting is her responsibility and solely under her control. She may just be venting and simply looking for your general support.

 

I'd keep my responses short, positive and neutral - "hang in there", "I can see how hard that is", "looks like you're really trying", etc. You can only get pulled down the rabbit hole if you allow yourself to...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This! This so much! I'm sure she knows what she has to do in order to succeed. When I feel like I've failed or am struggling with something, I know what I need to do to be better. I don't need someone to tell me. I just want someone to have my back. Like Mr. Lucky suggested, short neutral replies are best, not advice. "Yeah, that sucks." "It is hard."

 

I can't really help you with the depression part, but I feel ya. My boyfriend suffers from depression as well. One can only have so much patience and understanding. You just have to grin and bear it. And when I can no longer do that, I vent like hell to my best friend. That usually takes me down a notch.

[aileD]

My husband is a little like you and while he means well it can be annoying sometimes to tell people who are depressed to just "change your mindset". It's not that easy when you're depressed. It sounds easy. But it's not.

 

On the diet thing, maybe be encouraging. Asking her to work out with you or help you make a healthy meal or whatever it is that you're doing.

 

Sometimes people who are depressed need a friend to gently encourage them. and not just tel them to change how they look at things .

 

She should be getting therapy, maybe meds and have them check her thyroid.

[AngryGromit]

Is she working with a therapist right now? There are some therapies that are enormously successful for depression,

 

I really depends on the type of depression she has. She could be normal and just gets depressed due to past or current life situations. This is where therapy could help a lot, where she's not depressed anymore and therapy "cures" her.

 

Then there's clinical depression, where there is a chemical imbalance in her brain, no amount of therapy is going to "cure". This requires drugs to help reduce or dull the symptoms of depression, therapy helps as well, but therapy isn't going to "cure" her, just make her better able to cope with her depression.

 

My Wife has Clinical depression and we been together for 10 years. Some days she seems happy other days it's nothing but tears with me trying to comfort her. She's confided in me she's always feels unhappy, but some days she can deal with it better than others. I pretty much feel the same way as you at this point, when we first were married, she was happier more often, and had fewer days crying about how unhappy she is. She's increased the medication she had to take to cope over the last few years, she's max dose with some of them. While I do love my Wife, I honestly can't see myself putting up with her depression for the rest of my life. I was seriously thinking of divorcing her last year, things have gotten better recently, but I am reaching my breaking point, I want to be happy and not have to worry about having a mate that is unhappy all the time.

 

If she has clinical depression, it only get worse the longer your together. I'm sure you love you Wife, but in the end you have to do what is best for you. Do you really want to put up with her issues for the rest of your life? If's a "curable" condition, that's one thing, but if not, why put up with the aggravation?

Edited February 2, 2017 by AngryGromit