Totally Devastated [5 month update]

[MilitaryMan]

Hello Everyone,

 

I'm 35 y/o and been married a total of 8 years. I have 2 children with my wife 8/7. I'll try to keep this short as possible.

 

I am currently active duty military and met my wife in North Carolina. We have definitely had out ups and downs over the years. Right before I went on deployment in April 2016, my wife caught me messaging another female on the phone. The last year, she was in school and hanging out with her friends and became really distant to me, almost like a roommate so I done that stupid thing to get attention and it was totally wrong and I admitted that. We talked through it and I thought everything was good. I left 2 weeks after that on a 9 month deployment overseas. The first couple months I was out there we where able to FaceTime and it seemed like we where ok. Then my 3rd month till month 9 she never really talked to me or our conversations became really short. Come to find out she was hanging out and going out with a guy from her class. This guy is apparently married. So while I was deployed, I noticed she started going to the range and doing different things with this guy. She stated that he is like a "Brother" and nothing is wrong with that. She also stated around month 8 of my deployment that when I get back, it probably wouldn't be best to live together at the moment. She had mentioned that we needed to start back from square one and start dating eachother again. After being married for 8 years to this womn I was devastated to hear that she didn't want to live together. She had also mentioned that when I got back we would not be having sex. She moved off base into an apartment in which mybpictures where taken down instead of in my children's room, she took off her rings and she started to regain her self as of what she called it. I had asked her if she was having an affair in which she denied. She said she is focused on school and the kids.

 

The first night back from deployment, she asked if I could come over and watch the kids while she went to school and Inaccepted it. While I was there, I noticed a 30 rack of beer in the closet and cigarettes on top of the fridge. My wife has never been a beer drinker like that. I looked at her computer and noticed under her pictures that there where pictures of the guy from her class shooting pool at a bar. I noticed a lot of different things around the house. Another thing is she locked the door to her room.

 

Fast forward the next day, I drove by her house and that guy was on her patio and I talked to him, his friend and her. She blew up at me and said I had no right to be there and thatbI humiliated her. So I left. Remind you as well my kids said that they slept at his house with her and his wife was gone. They said she slept on the couch but why was she over there doing that? Why would a married woman do that?

 

So fast forward today, I mentioned to my wife if she wanted to go to marriage counseling to work our issues out and she said no. She said she is focused on the kids and school but not us. But she seems to have time to go out with this guy to do things but doesn't have time for me. She said that I'm a negative person and the way she talks to me now is so nonchalant, like she doesn't care at all. I think her friends are influencing her and she tasted life without me and feels it's easier....

 

Guess what I'm trying to ask is do you think my marriage is over?? I suggested Counseling but she rejected it. She says I had 8!years and now I'm just realizing I lost a good woman....I don't know what to do, I am an emotional wreck. I can't sleep, my heart is constantly pounding and this overall hurts me so bad. I want my family back but she doesn't want it..Can someone please tell me what I need to do? We been separated 9 months from my deployment and I feel that if I never left, non of this would have happened. Now that she has freedom to go out with this guynornhave him over, she is enjoying that life. Please help me

[sandylee1]

It doesn't sound like she wants to be married to you anymore. She checked out of the marriage as a result of your behaviour and now has emotionally detached from you.

 

Set up scheduled times to see the kids and focus on them and yourself. Try and better yourself and become a better partner for her to or the next woman. It doesn't look like she wants you back.

 

And it sounds like an affair to me with the other guy. Why would she sleep over when his wife was away. I'd track his wife down and let her know about it. Check if she was aware of the sleepover.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think it's safe to say your marriage is over.

 

You were messaging another woman last year, and then you say you did "that stupid thing" to get attention - what did you do?

 

I'm guessing that if you were able to get cozy with another woman, through text or otherwise, your heart wasn't really in your marriage anymore. Now your wife has checked out of the marriage, too.

 

It also seems pretty obvious that an affair has taken place. I think your best bet would be to consult a lawyer so the both of you can move on.

[MilitaryMan]

The only thing I did was text someone I met online, never physically did anything else with anyone.

[Satu]

The only thing I did was text someone I met online, never physically did anything else with anyone.

 

That won't make any difference to your wife.

 

You were secretly engaging with another woman, and thats bad enough to hurt her and cast doubt on your loyalty.

 

It sounds very much like your marriage has come to its natural end.

 

Concentrate on your own wellbeing and be a good father to your children.

 

Talk to a lawyer.

 

 

Take care.

Edited January 15, 2017 by Satu

[Marc878]

She's already moved in and living with another man.

 

Surely you can see this. Being in deep denial is making you look foolish here.

[benpom]

The only thing I did was text someone I met online, never physically did anything else with anyone.

 

How did you meet her online? Not a dating site, is it?

[benpom]

We been separated 9 months from my deployment and I feel that if I never left, non of this would have happened.

 

Actually, if you did not leave, this would still happen, probably just at a later date.

 

Earlier you mentioned, everything seemed fine. That's a bad sign. People often think a relationship with no conflict is a good relationship. But it's the opposite of the truth. When a spouse never expresses anything negative, it's only because he/she is keeping it inside. That withholding of resentment is what eventually brings the relationship to the end. In a healthy long-lasting relationship, people have conflicts and deal with them in a respectful and considerate way.

[The_Onceler]

Earlier you mentioned, everything seemed fine. That's a bad sign. People often think a relationship with no conflict is a good relationship. But it's the opposite of the truth. When a spouse never expresses anything negative, it's only because he/she is keeping it inside.

 

Or that they have already "checked out", and the reason that there is no conflict is because the spouse simply doesn't care anymore.

 

I have lived this, to an extent. The degree of your infidelity (and your wife surely saw it as infidelity) is of little importance now. Whether you had a wild sexual tryst, or whether you merely flirted online in order to just get some attention - you opened a crack in the armor of her sense of security, and in your ensuing absence, that crack widened and widened.

 

I am sorry to say this, but I agree with the others here: your marriage is almost certainly over. It sounds 99.99% clear that your wife is having a full on sexual affair with the other man.

 

There is a ton of good advice here on how to best navigate the divorce that is almost certainly coming. It's gonna suck, no doubt, but at this stage, there is no avoiding it, I fear.

 

But you will get through it.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Actually, if you did not leave, this would still happen, probably just at a later date.

 

Earlier you mentioned, everything seemed fine. That's a bad sign. People often think a relationship with no conflict is a good relationship. But it's the opposite of the truth. When a spouse never expresses anything negative, it's only because he/she is keeping it inside. That withholding of resentment is what eventually brings the relationship to the end. In a healthy long-lasting relationship, people have conflicts and deal with them in a respectful and considerate way.

 

This is my take. It seems that the OP is the one who started this mess by texting/messaging another woman. He was 'caught.' He mentions that the relationship had its ups and downs, so the relationship did have conflicts.

 

I wonder if the OP messaging another woman was his way of dealing with conflict? Unhappiness?

 

We certainly do not know if the relationship would have remained intact if he hadn't deployed, but I don't think she got over the fact that she caught him cheating on him (emotionally...or perhaps physically (we don't know this w/ any certainty)).

 

Her actions are pretty clear. She wants out and yes, she found freedom, someone else.

[MilitaryMan]

It looks like all you guys were right. She's not tell me she had an affair but she definitely has guys over her house. The way she talks to me now is very callous. She's more concerned about her friends feelings than mine. It's a shame because this guy is married but he's always over My wife's house. My wife made it clear to me that she's wants a divorce and that she's done with our marriage. She said all she's focused on now with school and the kids and then she's not concerned about our marriage. So that's telling me that she's done with everything

[MilitaryMan]

She's definitely hiding something and very secretive. And she's also been lying because I know the truth on some of the things cause my kids told me but she plainly denying them.so I'm gonna do is you guys suggested, obtain a lawyer and try to go from there. I was the only one trying to work it out but she doesn't want to

[The_Onceler]

You might want to capture some proof of her affair - that could significantly impact the outcome of your divorce. Perhaps lawyer up first, and tell her about it later?

 

Good luck, and sorry.

[MilitaryMan]

There is no way I can prove adultry and she said if she sees me by her house she will file a restraining order. I just feel like such a fool. Like I said, I done wrong first by messaging someone online. I'm even willing to forgive her for whatever happened while I was gone. I just wanted to go to Marriage Counseling and get back on track with everything or atleast try. I think she is done with me now and I have to find a way to cope because all of this is devastating. Haven't been able to sleep or eat, she is constantly on my mind and I don't know what else to do. I feel lost without her. I wish I had one more chance to make our marriage right

[MilitaryMan]

As I mentioned before though, some other guy has filled my void and is doing everything that she wants that I probably wasn't doing but was willing to do

[sandylee1]

I don't think much of her showing the kids such a terrible example by having sleepovers in the home of a man who is married, while his wife is away.

 

That's damn awful involving your kids in your affair, knowing they're old enough to communicate and understand. She's not a good mother for doing that.

 

Her threatening a restraining order is just unnecessary. To prevent any false accusations from her, avoid being alone with her from now on.

 

You need to only communicate regarding the children and file for divorce. It's over.

 

You did mess up by betraying her twice and you can't really just expect to be forgiven a second time. She could have left after the first time really.

 

That said, I'm appalled at what she's showing the kids is okay with her MM. It's no wonder so many kids grow up to be confused with their mothers and multiple men.

 

You can always hire a PI to get proof of the affair and show his wife. That'll shut the affair down once it has some light on it.

[The_Onceler]

You can always hire a PI to get proof of the affair and show his wife. That'll shut the affair down once it has some light on it.

 

^^^ This.

 

I am sorry to hear how your are feeling. Its understandable. But the sooner you start taking steps to move on, the better you will be.

 

Best wishes.

[elaine567]

Right before I went on deployment in April 2016, my wife caught me messaging another female on the phone.

 

The last year, she was in school and hanging out with her friends and became really distant to me, almost like a roommate so I done that stupid thing to get attention and it was totally wrong and I admitted that.

 

We talked through it and I thought everything was good. I left 2 weeks after that on a 9 month deployment overseas.

 

The problem here is that you cheated on her and you left after 2 weeks thinking the problem was solved, leaving her to sort out her head on her own, she then became totally disconnected from you.

Read some of the stories of the betrayed spouses on here.

No-one gets over their husband cheating on them in 2 weeks, it usually takes 2-5 years, for some it takes decades...

 

Along comes Mr Classmate and she being in a very vulnerable state and probably hating you for betraying her, connects with him, leaving you out in the cold.

[road]

It looks like all you guys were right. She's not tell me she had an affair but she definitely has guys over her house. The way she talks to me now is very callous. She's more concerned about her friends feelings than mine. It's a shame because this guy is married but he's always over My wife's house. My wife made it clear to me that she's wants a divorce and that she's done with our marriage. She said all she's focused on now with school and the kids and then she's not concerned about our marriage. So that's telling me that she's done with everything

 

 

You need to tell the OMW ASAP for any chance to kill the affair.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

I remember back in college I broke up with a girl. She was really into me, begged, pleaded, called me all the time wanting to get back together. All that did was make me more disgusted by her. Then one day she just stopped. A couple months later I started missing her again... but I never went back, I was done.

 

Moral of the story:

 

- you can't do anything to bring them back

- you can only do things to push them away even farther

- even if you do everything right there still is no guarantee they'll come back

 

Hurry up and divorce her. If you get to 12 years she will get half of your retirement for life!

[Popsicle]

So why hasn't she divorced you if she doesn't want you anymore?

Is it the military benefits?

[sandylee1]

So why hasn't she divorced you if she doesn't want you anymore?

Is it the military benefits?

 

Good question Pop.

[whichwayisup]

Why is she preventing you from spending time with your children? She can't do that! You are their father! Threatening to get an RO against you isn't a wise choice seeing as you two have children to think of. What's wrong with her?!

 

File for divorce. Get a good lawyer and make sure you get shared custody.

 

Your wife has moved on emotionally.

[MilitaryMan]

UPDATE: I ate dinner with my wife's mother yesterday, because she wanted to see the children. And she told me that My wife told her that she didn't want to divorce or go to that extreme but she just needed some space, after she already told me it was done. She told both her mom and dad that she's not saying it's over but she needs space. I don't know what to think about this because she's already told me it was done. Is there still a chance?

[Lilyana76]

UPDATE: I ate dinner with my wife's mother yesterday, because she wanted to see the children. And she told me that My wife told her that she didn't want to divorce or go to that extreme but she just needed some space, after she already told me it was done. She told both her mom and dad that she's not saying it's over but she needs space. I don't know what to think about this because she's already told me it was done. Is there still a chance?

 

I would take what your wife is saying to you as what she means. Sometimes when we hear things through third parties, it isn't how she really feels because she may fear to tell them (especially her parents) for fear of judgement or making them upset.