Totally Devastated [5 month update]

[MilitaryMan]

My 8 year wedding anniversary is in 12 days. I ordered flowers online with a message to let her know I was thinking about her. I also handwrote a card to let her know I was sorry for all my faults in the marriage, so she could sympathize with me that I do care about the wrongs I done in the marriage. We haven't communicated in a few days. Just kind of a last ditch effort to see what comes of it.

[Marc878]

Go back and read up on adultery. Playing the "pick me dance" always fails

[Vinny1951]

I feel for you but like all cheaters, they blame their spouses for their cheating. Much like a drunk will say that she drinks because of you. Typical behavior. When I was a boy I watched a lot of WWII movies. In almost every one there was a soldier who received a Dear John letter while he was in some hell hole trying to stay alive so he could go back home and marry his high school sweet heart.

 

Little did I know that I would be that guy when I was in Vietnam. Back then the deployment was a full year and no going home at all. At best, married soldiers could go to Hawaii to see their wife and kids once a year. So I could not even go home to talk to her. To make matters worse, there was no internet or cell phones back then. It was snail male and just try settling things by letter every two weeks if lucky.

 

I broke up with my fiancee. The way I looked at it was that she has proven that she could not be trusted and she is a liar. So how can I believe her or trust her again since her world is meaningless. I also believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior so I cut her loose and it is a good thing I did. She went on to get hooked on drugs, mental illness and cheating on her husband with a woman that she married. If not for her cheating I would never have met my wife of 44+ years. So what seemed bad turned out to be the best thing in my life.

 

When I got back from Nam I saw so many Army wives going out with soldiers. An otherwise plain looking wife could have sex with a good looking guy. It was very sad to see that and hear guys talking about whose wife they banged. I was offered money and a promotion to re-up but I could not picture me living in an environment where I have to worry about my wife. I can understand it to a certain extent. Husband is overseas and everyday you may have someone knock on your door to tell you that you husband is dead. Only contact was snail mail and the very occasional radio phone 5 minute call.

 

People get lonely. The are living in fear and stressed out. Men prey on such women knowing that there is zero chance that they will get caught. Odds are that they will be discharged or at some other post by the time the husband gets home. Best thing for you is to get a fresh start. Some day when you are my age you will look back on your nice life and realize that it was both the good and bad things that happened to you that got you to where you are. Now I am grateful for all the bad things in my early life because they have given me a wife of 44 years and a great life. Be brave and move on.

[MilitaryMan]

I feel for you but like all cheaters, they blame their spouses for their cheating. Much like a drunk will say that she drinks because of you. Typical behavior. When I was a boy I watched a lot of WWII movies. In almost every one there was a soldier who received a Dear John letter while he was in some hell hole trying to stay alive so he could go back home and marry his high school sweet heart.

 

Little did I know that I would be that guy when I was in Vietnam. Back then the deployment was a full year and no going home at all. At best, married soldiers could go to Hawaii to see their wife and kids once a year. So I could not even go home to talk to her. To make matters worse, there was no internet or cell phones back then. It was snail male and just try settling things by letter every two weeks if lucky.

 

I broke up with my fiancee. The way I looked at it was that she has proven that she could not be trusted and she is a liar. So how can I believe her or trust her again since her world is meaningless. I also believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior so I cut her loose and it is a good thing I did. She went on to get hooked on drugs, mental illness and cheating on her husband with a woman that she married. If not for her cheating I would never have met my wife of 44+ years. So what seemed bad turned out to be the best thing in my life.

 

When I got back from Nam I saw so many Army wives going out with soldiers. An otherwise plain looking wife could have sex with a good looking guy. It was very sad to see that and hear guys talking about whose wife they banged. I was offered money and a promotion to re-up but I could not picture me living in an environment where I have to worry about my wife. I can understand it to a certain extent. Husband is overseas and everyday you may have someone knock on your door to tell you that you husband is dead. Only contact was snail mail and the very occasional radio phone 5 minute call.

 

People get lonely. The are living in fear and stressed out. Men prey on such women knowing that there is zero chance that they will get caught. Odds are that they will be discharged or at some other post by the time the husband gets home. Best thing for you is to get a fresh start. Some day when you are my age you will look back on your nice life and realize that it was both the good and bad things that happened to you that got you to where you are. Now I am grateful for all the bad things in my early life because they have given me a wife of 44 years and a great life. Be brave and move on.

 

I appreciate your input. It's just so hard to let go. My first wife cheating on me when I was deployed in Iraq in 2003. It sucks to get married again and the same thing happen to me. Have 2 beautiful children with her and she was a great wife for a long time....it just hurts like hell. All I do is think about her but it seems like the feelings are not mutual anymore...thought time and space would help but it's just making me more insecure, unwanted ect...maybe everyone is right and I need a fresh start, but I invested 10 years!!! Now I have 3 kids, 2 failed marriages and I feel like a straight failure. I'm 35 and feel my life is destroyed. I don't want to have to start over again just to go through this pain for a 3rd time but I also don't want to be alone....

[MilitaryMan]

I cancelled the orders on the flowers and plan on tossing the letter I wrote away. I can't do it by myself and make a marriage work on my own...it really hurts, but she is so done she is acting immature and nonchalant. It's time. Just hope financially that I'm ready

[Gr8fuln2020]

After reading Corinthians 7:10-11, the Bible is saying to not give up and that a husband shouldn't leave his wife. Just a ball of emotions now. I was so ready to give up, call it quits the last few days. I know everyone is telling me to give up, move on ect. It's not easy to do when I still have love in my heart for my wife

 

MilitaryMan. Move on. There are other scriptures that could be 'selectively' given to provide you a reason to divorce or 'give-up.'

 

Matthew 5:32

 

 

But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality...

 

We won't even discuss the second part of this scripture.

[MilitaryMan]

MilitaryMan. Move on. There are other scriptures that could be 'selectively' given to provide you a reason to divorce or 'give-up.'

 

Matthew 5:32

 

 

But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality...

 

We won't even discuss the second part of this scripture.

 

Thanks for all the support. Why even respond if your going to be an ******* about it

[Lilyana76]

I appreciate your input. It's just so hard to let go. My first wife cheating on me when I was deployed in Iraq in 2003. It sucks to get married again and the same thing happen to me. Have 2 beautiful children with her and she was a great wife for a long time....it just hurts like hell. All I do is think about her but it seems like the feelings are not mutual anymore...thought time and space would help but it's just making me more insecure, unwanted ect...maybe everyone is right and I need a fresh start, but I invested 10 years!!! Now I have 3 kids, 2 failed marriages and I feel like a straight failure. I'm 35 and feel my life is destroyed. I don't want to have to start over again just to go through this pain for a 3rd time but I also don't want to be alone....

 

Cheating is hard to get over, and even harder if you are the only one to work at it. You can't do it alone. If she is checked out its time for you to move on as well. I'm sorry this happened. I separated and went through a divorce at 39. He cheated on me multiple times in our 20 year marriage.

 

Remember, you are not a failure. Things happen, how we react to those things is what makes us a success or a failure. If you were to stay with her, would you be a success by being a doormat but yet married?

 

I'm glad you threw away the flowers and the card, no need to show affection to someone that probably doesn't care at all about any of that from you. Just cause more hurt.

 

I was so scared of being alone myself, so I can relate. But I can tell you, it does get better. A year out of it and I am the happiest I have ever been in my adult life. I've let go of all that garbage. Even my kids are happier not to be around all that tension. I spent some time alone, learned who I was outside the marriage, learned to love myself.. ALONE. It's not that devastating!

 

Honestly, things do get better. Hang in there, and keep posting here, it helps sometimes just to get it out.

[BluesPower]

MM, You will be OK in the long run. I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you. There is just nothing more disrespectful than someone doing this to one of our service men.

 

As bad as you feel know, as you start to get over this, just take your time and heal. And you will heal. After you divorce her you will start to feel a lot better over time.

 

Just work on you picker for next time. And def get into some therapy to help you get over all of this.

[MilitaryMan]

MM, You will be OK in the long run. I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you. There is just nothing more disrespectful than someone doing this to one of our service men.

 

As bad as you feel know, as you start to get over this, just take your time and heal. And you will heal. After you divorce her you will start to feel a lot better over time.

 

Just work on you picker for next time. And def get into some therapy to help you get over all of this.

 

I'm currently in therapy now. Thinking about getting out on some Anxiety meds

[Marc878]

Read up on the 180, your new best friend

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[MilitaryMan]

Read up on the 180, your new best friend

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Thanks brother, that's actually what I been doing the last few days. Been working like a charm and I am actually starting to feel a lot better!

[The_Onceler]

Thanks brother, that's actually what I been doing the last few days. Been working like a charm and I am actually starting to feel a lot better!

 

It is amazing how much the whole NC/180 thing can help.

 

Even aside from moving on with your own life, it helps reduce and/or eliminate drama, which is a blessing. My ex and I maintain contact via email and text and such, in order to co-parent. That is fine. But invariably, she will try to move past the "just business" part of our communication, and try to engage me more personally.

 

You know, little innocuous things like sharing an inside joke, asking for advice or emotional support, etc. The sort of thing that would have been normal *before*. And the sort of thing that feels natural to engage in.

 

Now, when any interaction moves beyond business, I just stop interacting. That, too, has made a world of difference. I don't banter, I don't say what I really think and suggest she go cry on her boyfriend's shoulder - I just let it go. And I find that I am happier for doing so!

 

Keep it up!

[MilitaryMan]

It is amazing how much the whole NC/180 thing can help.

 

Even aside from moving on with your own life, it helps reduce and/or eliminate drama, which is a blessing. My ex and I maintain contact via email and text and such, in order to co-parent. That is fine. But invariably, she will try to move past the "just business" part of our communication, and try to engage me more personally.

 

You know, little innocuous things like sharing an inside joke, asking for advice or emotional support, etc. The sort of thing that would have been normal *before*. And the sort of thing that feels natural to engage in.

 

Now, when any interaction moves beyond business, I just stop interacting. That, too, has made a world of difference. I don't banter, I don't say what I really think and suggest she go cry on her boyfriend's shoulder - I just let it go. And I find that I am happier for doing so!

 

Keep it up!

 

 

My Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow:( Do I not make contact or if she does, do I respond? Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I have to pick up my kids from her tomorrow at 430 and drop them off to her at 9pm. I don't know wether to do anything or act like it's just another day. Any advice on what I should do??

[The_Onceler]

My Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow:( Do I not make contact or if she does, do I respond? Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. I have to pick up my kids from her tomorrow at 430 and drop them off to her at 9pm. I don't know wether to do anything or act like it's just another day. Any advice on what I should do??

 

Oh, man... you are probably in for a hard day. I am sorry.

 

I would suggest that you stay the course. Do not give in to nostalgia: try to treat tomorrow as if it were any other day. If she should reach out to you, be kind if you can, but do not cave. If she shows signs of reconciliation, and if she is sincere, then that door will be open to you 48 hours from now. But if she reaches out to you merely from her own weakness, her message might not be real.

 

Anniversaries are dangerous days for broken couples.

 

Try to focus on the kids, and on having a good afternoon with them. Good luck.

[Marc878]

You can only fix yourself. She has to take care of her end.

 

Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[MilitaryMan]

So I received my orders. I have orders to stay here in the local area. I didn't tell my wife since she kept askIng me. I did the 180 and ignored her. She then responds "Please don't stay here" "It's not healthy". Her mom is telling me she is saying the opposite. At this point, don't know what to believe

[Jersey born raised]

She is lying to her mom. Continue the 180 and plan the divorce. What terms are you planning on. Also the poster who question if she lost all benefits because of divorce is correct in regards to pension etc but I believe state laws apply otherwise. If you if are in NC fault matters. So a PI might be worth the money.

 

Talk to a lawyer!!

[MilitaryMan]

appreciate everyone's insight. She does feel she has control. I was wanting to initiate the no contact rule but I have kids which makes it tough, cause I still have to deal with her on that accord plus I see her when we arrange pick up and drop off location. I am no longer talking to her beyond that as of today. She told me she doesn't trust me or my motives anymore. I think she is really selfish not to even try marriage counseling as she suggested she gave it Ten years. She is still acting distant and cold and I been back for 34 days now. I have orders to a clinic here for the next 3 years which will take me to retirement so God blessed me with that, so I can atleast have my kids. She tells me "You can do whatever you feel you have to do, it's your choice" and that she is focusing on her now, finishing RN school and taking care of the kids and "if I am still there through all of this, so be it. If not, she wishes me well and success". She said it's my choice if I want to leave and divorce but she has a hardened heart at the moment. She brought up all the issues she had with me throughout the marriage which made her feel the way she does. I can tell she has a lot of hurt, and her and resentment towards me from that and plus the texting incident as that is brought up a lot. Just going to give her space and hope she comes around and misses me. I did contact a lawyer, so I'm covered as far as that goes but I also don't want to end my marriage so soon with having any regrets.

[Jersey born raised]

Then work on the issues she gave you. Can you give me three examples? Also clarify if separation means no dating. I assume you are paying CS ad spousal support?

 

Also what do you. Do in the service.

Edited February 15, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[MilitaryMan]

Then work on the issues she gave you. Can you give me three examples? Also clarify if separation means no dating. I assume you are paying CS ad spousal support?

 

Also what do you. Do in the service.

 

 

I'm a Navy Corpsman with Marines(Medical). I am paying her what the military requires me to pay since there is no court order.

[MilitaryMan]

UPDATE: it's been 45 days since I been back. There is still no progress. Today she asked if I could get the kids in July, which is 5 months away. I asked her if she plans on being separated that long, and she stated "Probably". I followed up with a question and asked if she did not plan on reconciling with me and she stated "I am in school". I told her that has nothing to do with our marriage, as she was in school before while we where married. I asked her again and she never responded. Today, I will cut contact with her. I feel as though I am just her babysitter when she needs something. I was really hoping time would change things for the better but it doesn't seem like it. She is emotionally and physically detached from me. She doesn't want to meet in person to talk nor talk about our issues over the phone. She can't even look me in the eyes. I'm not sure what's going on in her life. Maybe it is time to move on with my life. It's just super tough cause I still have feelings for her even though she is a completely different person now. I just don't see how such a dramatic change could happen. I'm just hurt, lost,confused and sad.

[kgcolonel]

UPDATE: it's been 45 days since I been back. There is still no progress. Today she asked if I could get the kids in July, which is 5 months away. I asked her if she plans on being separated that long, and she stated "Probably". I followed up with a question and asked if she did not plan on reconciling with me and she stated "I am in school". I told her that has nothing to do with our marriage, as she was in school before while we where married. I asked her again and she never responded. Today, I will cut contact with her. I feel as though I am just her babysitter when she needs something. I was really hoping time would change things for the better but it doesn't seem like it. She is emotionally and physically detached from me. She doesn't want to meet in person to talk nor talk about our issues over the phone. She can't even look me in the eyes. I'm not sure what's going on in her life. Maybe it is time to move on with my life. It's just super tough cause I still have feelings for her even though she is a completely different person now. I just don't see how such a dramatic change could happen. I'm just hurt, lost,confused and sad.

 

 

Military Man

 

Have you (forgive me I've lost track) received any legal advise? I think i stated earlier that she's staying married to you for the benefits from you. Are you paying her living and educational expenses? Along with NC, I would say fine, you don't want to work on "US" then we're done. Do what you have to do legally, file for D and see if that doesn't get a different response but i still believe she is merely keeping the M status for the $$'s, insurance etc.

 

Best Wishes and thank you for serving.

[MilitaryMan]

The only moneybshe is getting from me is what is required by the military, as I have no court order. She pays her own Rent,Car, and all her bills. None of it is in my name

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Please clarify has she stated she will not date and if you want to reconcile neither will she?

 

How you describe your wife fits the profile of a walk away wife except she took the children with her.

 

What type of set custody arrangement do you have now. Bear in mind if you do go to court they will tend to try to keep the current arrangement. So watch out for establishing a status qou.

 

You need to see a lawyer and establish a "plan B" which is the end of the marriage and a post divorce life before a "plan A" which is reconcilation right now.

 

Are you aware of the term FOO? (family of origin). This could be a huge factor.

 

Finally you should seek IC/MC for yourself. If at some point she wants to join you fine but for now start on your own.