Totally Devastated [5 month update]

[Marc878]

Guess I have to think about what I need to do. If it's an emotional affair, I can get over that. If it was physical, don't think I can

 

What you are going through is perfectly normal. Most betrayed spouses want to believe it was an emotional affair but if they were in physical contact it's almost certainly physical.

 

All cheating is comprised of lying, hiding and denying. Plus this went on for months. No guy is going to hang around that long without getting it. She will never tell you the truth I doubt but. It sounds like you are waking up to what's gone down.

 

Sorry man but you have a lot to think about. While you are doing that it would be best to go no contact.

 

Read up on the 180

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

[Marc878]

Hi MM. Glad to see you are still doing well, under the circumstances.

 

I struggled with making "no contact" work, when there are kids involved. I received the same excellent advice that you are getting, and I can tell you, it works.

 

You seem to have the kid exchange thing all worked out. You can make a quick exchange without being combative. I make sure to always be running the show at exchanges. We either meet at a neutral location, or at her place. I won't let her come to my house. In that way, she can't prolong the encounter. By meeting in public or at her place, I can control how fast I am in and out.

 

And definitely stop engaging - calls, emails, text, all of it. If her message pertains to the kids, then of course respond. If she starts to make it more friendly and casual, just drop it. If she picks a fight, just ignore, or respond without engaging in the fight. When my ex sends me an angry text, I just remind myself, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"

 

That also means, do not answer any phone calls. Even if the conversation might remain cordial, it is NOT in your best interest to speak with her. It is too easy for you to backslide emotionally.

 

Finally, don't wait for her - you should proceed with the separation/divorce. You gain nothing by waiting around in limbo. You can always stop the process if you reconcile somewhere down the line, but if you don't START the process, you will simply languish until SHE decides for you.

 

In fact, she has already been deciding for you.

 

Don't be that guy. I was being that guy, and I can tell you: that guy sucks. We are both better than that. I was always willing to be a team player in my relationship. I bet you were too, despite any mistakes along the way. The only difference now is that you are on a team of one.

 

Good luck!

 

Excellent post. You'd be wise to reread it. Maybe now you'll get it.

[Marc878]

Reconcilliation after an affair takes 2-5 years with two of you working together plus you'd have to know the full truth which I diubt you'll get. If not it'll haunt you forever.

[Marc878]

If you look around you'll find that "we're just friends" is the biggest lie told.

[DKT3]

Your wife was cheating, that relationship ended (not friendship) and now she is willing to engage.

 

I think it best to work towards divorce, if at some point your wife decided to e honest with you then you can start thinking about working on the marriage. Any thing before honesty is wasting time.

[Marc878]

How are you doing?

[MilitaryMan]

I been staying at her house off and on (4 times total) we still haven't made physical contact yet. She told me she didn't want to have sex or anything. Just yesterday, she told me Right Now, she can't trust me and has nothing to offer at this time.....just the other day she told me she wanted us to live together back on base...I just don't know what else to think. She constantly told me that she was really hoping I would change and not be jealous or insecure. She said the going back and forth is depressing. She wants to keep things about the children. She said if I feel like I need to file for divorce, that she is sorry a I feel that way....I hate feeling like this but she is the mother of my children and I wish things would be back to normal again

[reboot]

Gas lighting and blame shifting. You texting some woman (if that's all it was) was no justification for her affair in the first place. She's playing you like a fiddle. Call her bluff.

[Marc878]

I been staying at her house off and on (4 times total) we still haven't made physical contact yet. She told me she didn't want to have sex or anything. Just yesterday, she told me Right Now, she can't trust me and has nothing to offer at this time.....just the other day she told me she wanted us to live together back on base...I just don't know what else to think. She constantly told me that she was really hoping I would change and not be jealous or insecure. She said the going back and forth is depressing. She wants to keep things about the children. She said if I feel like I need to file for divorce, that she is sorry a I feel that way....I hate feeling like this but she is the mother of my children and I wish things would be back to normal again

 

What about her actions with her other man? You've given her total control over you.

 

She knows you aren't going to do anything that's why she keeps telling you to divorce if you want.

 

Have you done any investigating at what she's been up to? Sounds like it's still going on.

 

You need to go your own way. Like she has. If you chase or try and nice them back they just move farther away.

[Marc878]

I been staying at her house off and on (4 times total) we still haven't made physical contact yet. She told me she didn't want to have sex or anything. Just yesterday, she told me Right Now, she can't trust me and has nothing to offer at this time.....just the other day she told me she wanted us to live together back on base...I just don't know what else to think. She constantly told me that she was really hoping I would change and not be jealous or insecure. She said the going back and forth is depressing. She wants to keep things about the children. She said if I feel like I need to file for divorce, that she is sorry a I feel that way....I hate feeling like this but she is the mother of my children and I wish things would be back to normal again

 

You and your life counts too.

[MilitaryMan]

What am I supposed to do then, show her how ignorant I can be and treat her like crap with the hopes she will like me again??? I understand where you are coming from, I really do. It's just hard to not give a damn plus I have to deal with her cause we have children so it makes it impossible to do a 180 when I have to talk to her almost daily for the children

[Just a Guy]

Hi MM, sorry to see your plight. As far as your marriage is concerned it is dead as a dodo. Listen to all the posters here giving you advice which can be a lifesaver for you. The Oncelor's post was tailor made for you. You can flog a dead horse but you cannot get it to get up and run. Your wife checked out of the marriage a long time ago, gave herself permission to cheat on you( by all accounts it was a PA) and after her AP dumped her she fell back to plan B, you, but even now is not sure she can commit to you. She just has too much resentment against you and you would be fooling yourself if you thought any reconciliation was possible. You are just setting yourself up for failure.

 

You are only 35 years old which is pretty young and you can start over. Yes you will have to deal with your wife because of your children but so many others do so every day and it is just a fact of life. Yours is not a special case. Is your wife working and does she have a reasonable income? It is best to take the bull by the horns and initiate divorce proceedings. After that you will be free of a burden pulling you down. You can then plan your future with a clear mind. Warm wishes.

[MilitaryMan]

Update....you all where 100% correct. I found out she had a physical affair with this guy. She had left her phone unlocked and took a shower and I found what I needed to find. It's hard to believe a person you once where in love with would donthis too you. Now I'm just saving up for a lawyer. I wish I would have never deployed and got the issues in my marriage fixed. I know it's not my fault she cheated, she had a choice. We had gotten sexual together this past month but she would never let me have sex with her. She was telling me that she didn't want me to have sex and leave her...I can't look at her the same anymore. She still lies and says nothing happened but she never fully gave 100% to fix our marriage. I appreciate all the tough love and to get my head out of my "A". Sometimes you get blinded by the fact that it could work out. I have 2 kids with her too which makes it super tough. Do I start the 180 now?

[BluesPower]

Update....you all where 100% correct. I found out she had a physical affair with this guy. She had left her phone unlocked and took a shower and I found what I needed to find. It's hard to believe a person you once where in love with would donthis too you. Now I'm just saving up for a lawyer. I wish I would have never deployed and got the issues in my marriage fixed. I know it's not my fault she cheated, she had a choice. We had gotten sexual together this past month but she would never let me have sex with her. She was telling me that she didn't want me to have sex and leave her...I can't look at her the same anymore. She still lies and says nothing happened but she never fully gave 100% to fix our marriage. I appreciate all the tough love and to get my head out of my "A". Sometimes you get blinded by the fact that it could work out. I have 2 kids with her too which makes it super tough. Do I start the 180 now?

 

Yes just like we said from the start... Just remember that the 180 is not to get her back it is to help you heal.

 

The reason that she was not having sex with you is that she did not want to cheat on her BF. She has been having an affair since before you got back. You understand this now don't you?

 

You never had a chance because you would not do your intel. You were fighting your war blind and you have been for a while.

 

We have all don't this, but you were in about the worst denial that we have seen in a long time.

 

Now things that you think back on will start to make sense to you. Unfortunately, the consensus on LS that she was having an affair for god knows how long is correct.

 

You are about the 100,000th person to write the words "You were all right".

 

So now you know what you are dealing with and it is time to file for divorce and get her out of your life as soon as you can, except for seeing the kids.

 

Hang in there and good luck.

[Superchicken]

You can still enjoy time with the kids.

Don't let the kids define how you live your life.

You just need to merge the kids into your new life, and leave out the baggage you don't need, moving forward.

 

 

Why is it that so many people put so much emphasis on "The kids", "The Kids"..

 

 

Your life comes first, because if you cant fix your life, then how the fruck are you going to get your kids life in order.

 

 

Get your life going, and your kids will enjoy you more, as you will be able to give 100%.

Not scraps, due to ongoing complexities in your broken marriage.

 

 

Your wife is the typical trash/dirt that we guys have always feared when we marry.

Throw her away, like she threw you away.

No respect for you, or the family.

Show her the same back, but be calm.

Nothing like calm to heat up the cheating spouses.. Works every time.

 

 

 

 

Good luck..

 

 

Oh, Blues.. I know there are many on here that frown on you (And me) when we give our view on "Da Facts", but damn if were not right !.

 

 

Its the "Duck" babe.. If it walks, talks, and sounds like a duck.. Then Quack quack baby !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[MilitaryMan]

Hello all,

 

Been since June since I posted. Wanted to give an update. After 7 months of being separated, we actually decided to move back in together in August. It’s been a few months now and things are worse than ever. She is still on the phone with her “Friends” and is still not trying to work things out. She all nonchalant and doesn’t seem to care. It’s like we are total strangers just living together. She doesn’t seem to care about my feelings at all. Problem now is we live in Base Housing, so I can’t just “Kick” her out. I’m starting to lose feelings for her now as I thought she would just snap out of it but I was wrong. I feel like such an idiot that I tried to work it out with someone who doesn’t care. I do t know why she just didn’t divorce me if this was how she was going to act/behave. Now we are both miserable and it makes a negative environment for the house. Ultimately, I’m tired of living like strangers and if she doesn’t want to try, I just wish she would pack her bags and get out of here.

[MilitaryMan]

It sucks because I wanted it to work. I had set up counseling and everything but she doesn’t seem interested cause she never asks about it. I am just stuck cause we have 2 children and I don’t know what to do. I can honestly say I am not sure if I love her anymore after all that has went down. She still lies, keeps a locked phone ect...I’m tired and I deserve to be loved. I just don’t want to be divorced again and have to pay another child support payment and miss time with my kids. Both of my wives messed around while I was deployed...I’m just lost everyone and it’s tough

[BluesPower]

It sucks because I wanted it to work. I had set up counseling and everything but she doesn’t seem interested cause she never asks about it. I am just stuck cause we have 2 children and I don’t know what to do. I can honestly say I am not sure if I love her anymore after all that has went down. She still lies, keeps a locked phone ect...I’m tired and I deserve to be loved. I just don’t want to be divorced again and have to pay another child support payment and miss time with my kids. Both of my wives messed around while I was deployed...I’m just lost everyone and it’s tough

 

MM, I am sorry... that you could not take the advice that you were given when you first started posting.

 

I think you would agree, now, that this woman is not worth the time and heartache that you have devoted to her.

 

I understand that you are afraid of the COST of the divorce. I get that, I am dealing with that myself and my kids are grown.

 

But let's look at what we know is going on:

 

 

1) she cheated on you when you were deployed I think.

2) she has continued to cheat on you, same guy or a 100 guys it does not matter.

3) you convinced her to move back, for what ever reason, and she is just sucking up the military benefits and any of your money that she can.

4) you are more miserable than you were before when she moved out.

 

Is that about where we are at now?

 

Brother, listen, I understand where you are coming from but how long are you going to live like this? Your options are to file for divorce or just keep watching her go out at night to screw her other man.

 

I mean, how does that make you feel.

 

MM, it is time to file and suck up the cost of child support and move on with your life.

 

And for the love of everything holy, DO NOT GET MARRIED AGAIN...

[Marc878]

It sucks because I wanted it to work. I had set up counseling and everything but she doesn’t seem interested cause she never asks about it. I am just stuck cause we have 2 children and I don’t know what to do. I can honestly say I am not sure if I love her anymore after all that has went down. She still lies, keeps a locked phone ect...I’m tired and I deserve to be loved. I just don’t want to be divorced again and have to pay another child support payment and miss time with my kids. Both of my wives messed around while I was deployed...I’m just lost everyone and it’s tough

 

The affair is still on sounds like. Unless that ends you have no way to work this out. All you've done up to this point is live in denial and fight the advice you were given.

 

If you can't put your foot down and stop allowing yourself to be treated like you are you'll continue to get what you're getting.

 

Your wife has it made. You are her checkbook and her boyfriend provides her love and sexual needs.

 

Your actions or lack of have told her you accept this arrangement.

 

Her affair is 100% on her. Your bungling on handling this is on you.

 

The only one keeping you where you are currently is you.

 

Your fear rules you. Living in denial for do long didn't help you at all.

 

Maybe you'll wake up now. I'm not sure but I hope you do.

[Italiangurl808]

My husband is doing something similar, as far as the emotional affair part.. about 4 months ago he said he wanted a divorce, we had been having struggles but that has been most of our relationship, we see things very diff. But have always laughed on that. We have been together 17 years but only married 3.. so I truly felt blindsided, his reason was I don't listen to him and make it all about me, but the truth is he has been neglecting me and our new family for years. Always glued to his phone, never has time to do stuff with me, no holiday gifts or even anniversary anything, coming home late more often then not, but would let me know (which is all I asked) so i got more and more hurt, angry, and resentful. After he said it was done all I've been trying to do is convince him to work it out, telling him about counciling all that, but of corse its a no.. I found out there is a girl.. he is still at hm (more like roommates then anything), he will actually walk away from me and our 1.5 year old to go talk to this girl outside.. I'm 42, my husband 43, and this chic is like 25.

Since this, I have found out business trips he has been going on, he has her meet him, doesnt matter thsts what I've been begging from him for years, he was taking her out, sunsets u name it, now he can make time.. I actually found out they have been txting for like 2 years . He met her threw his job. How can I even compete wit that.. I mean as he worked all this time to foster their relationship he let ours go to **** .. and now blames me, and I truly can see mistakes I made, but it's easy to see how him turning to her, lying about it all to me, and comparing us would cause so much of our issues.. we both love hunting, and would go on 2 to for hunting trips a year, and he hasn't taken me on any in 3 years...

Ohh yeah I found out im 5.5 months pregnant.. with all the stress i had no idea.. so just b4 his big announcement.. but of corse it made it worse between us.. he has never admitted that emotional cheating is an actual things. And can cause devastation to.. I know I love him to this day, I feel without her we may have had a chance, I honestly feel we wouldn't be in this situation to start wit...

I hope things have continued to improve for u, and u guys were able to do things out..

I guess I'm just putting it out there about how devastating emotional cheating can become... I think if I could've done the whole revenge thing I would've, but no way that was possible prego..

[MilitaryMan]

I️ agree. If this guy wasn’t in the picture influencing her, we would have had a chance but there is nothing anybody can do. I️ agree with the other posters that it’s probably time to end it. She is still talking to this man, carrying on with her emotional affair and playing me for a fool. It’s hard to just kick her out because I live in Base Housing.

 

She asked if I could help her out till she finishes nursing school in May, but then the next day she says she wants to be with me. I️ am just tired of all the mind games. Told her to pack up her things and to just leave. To go move in with that guy since she is so attached. I’m starting to cut myself off emotionally and it’s tough living together. She works, goes to school and probably sees him behind my back all that i know.all i do is work and take care of my kids.

 

She has definitely changed and was hoping she would snap out of it but was wrong. She’s hiding her drinking from me and everything. Just over it all. We deserve to be happy. So my question to you is...Why be in love or want someone that doesn’t want you? It took a lot of hard love to realize that and that’s why I️ can appreciate the tough love I️ been getting on my post. Really think hard about if you want to live always wondering where they are at and if they are cheating. It a miserable way to live.

 

Trust me, been living it! We moved in and I️ thought things would have gotten better but the last 2 weeks we have been roommate status and she is just living off me.

Edited November 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[kgcolonel]

Military Man, we all need to get to the point where, no matter what others tell us, we need to see it for ourselves. I am glad you are now seeing what she is doing and you have responded accordingly.

 

Remember, you don't have to be mean or disrespectful as in doing so, you are returning her disrespect that is her way. You can be firm, "WW, you need to leave and go be with the one that you are cheating with as you have shown me clearly that this is where your heart is. Go and be happy with him, you're free". I see this as the best means for you to maintain a civil co-parenting arrangement which your kids need.

 

BTW, how did she react or respond when you told her to leave as you posted previously? Just curious as to the reaction....

 

Thank you for the update.

Edited November 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[MilitaryMan]

She told me that she doesn’t want to live with him, that he was just a really good friend. I told her that that i no longer care and that she can get her things and move out. She said she wasn’t moving out. Unfortunately I️ can’t force her to move out. I️ definitely don’t want to leave the maritial home, because that can show abandonment and I’m not trying to be made to look like the bad guy

 

I️ will have to follow up with a lawyer for legal advice. I tell thenlove in my marriage is no longer there. We been roommate status for the past few weeks with hardly no interaction. I️ can tell she is stressed out with school and work. She got herself into debt when she separated from me when I️ had deployed. It seems like karma is catching up.

 

I️ told her that I️ want to be civil and we can just get this divorce finalized. She is pretty shocked that I️ said that and is not taking the effort to do this peacefully. Only option left is to play hardball and just get it done. The one thing I️ did give was 100% effort and I️ genuinely tried. She didn’t do her part.

 

She chose to have this emotional affair and no longer blame myself for it. I️ just got to the point to where enough is enough

Edited November 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[kgcolonel]

She told me that she doesn’t want to live with him, that he was just a really good friend. I told her that that i no longer care and that she can get her things and move out. She said she wasn’t moving out. <snip>

 

I see...did she say why she didn't want to live with the OM? She may have only been a sidepiece for him and no that the new has worn off, he has cooled on the relationship. Do you know anyone else on the base that has gone through something similar? Seems that there is some means to move her out due to infidelity (assuming you have some evidence). You should begin to protect yourself ASAP as she may be looking to leverage anything she can to keep her living arrangement as is. Be careful and see an attorney quickly to document what is happening.

Edited November 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[MilitaryMan]

Kgcolonel, that’s what I’m doing now as we speak. Retirement is in a few years and want to ensure that is taken care of