Marc878 Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 UPDATE: it's been 45 days since I been back. There is still no progress. Today she asked if I could get the kids in July, which is 5 months away. I asked her if she plans on being separated that long, and she stated "Probably". I followed up with a question and asked if she did not plan on reconciling with me and she stated "I am in school". I told her that has nothing to do with our marriage, as she was in school before while we where married. I asked her again and she never responded. Today, I will cut contact with her. I feel as though I am just her babysitter when she needs something. I was really hoping time would change things for the better but it doesn't seem like it. She is emotionally and physically detached from me. She doesn't want to meet in person to talk nor talk about our issues over the phone. She can't even look me in the eyes. I'm not sure what's going on in her life. Maybe it is time to move on with my life. It's just super tough cause I still have feelings for her even though she is a completely different person now. I just don't see how such a dramatic change could happen. I'm just hurt, lost,confused and sad. If you chase they flee. You should have already been on the 180. You can't make her do anything. Your feelings are for the fantasy you have of her not who she is or has become. You are like a lot stuck in self imposed limbo. I'd bet she has another man. She wants you out of there so you won't find out. Should be easy to figure that out. Do you have the same phone plan? If so go online and check your phone bill. At this point you don't know what you're dealing with and I suspect don't want to know but either way you can't fix it without knowledge. Find out and do exposure if not you file. Or stay where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Read up http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 We did have the same phone plan till I got back. I reviewed the bill the 9 months I was gone and didn't find anything suspicious Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Sounds like she's daring you to file. Can you have a friend, etc drive by check her out? Knowledge is a good thing. You are completely in the dark of what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 She lives in the apartment complex across the street where I'm living. If she wanted the divorce so bad, I don't see why I don't have the papers in hand yet Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 She lives in the apartment complex across the street where I'm living. If she wanted the divorce so bad, I don't see why I don't have the papers in hand yet Not uncommon. Women sometimes like to try out things before dumping others. It sounds like you are plan B. Have you seen her with anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 She has a Asian guy friend who is married that she hangs out with. She never was into Asian guys but anything is possible Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Hi Military man, how are things with you? Are you just going to wait for your wife to act or are you going to act on your own account? As a Military type I would expect you to be more decisive. Besides, filing for divorce does not mean that you have to go through divorce actually. However, filing will show your wife that you are serious in wanting to move forward with your life. It may get her to wake up and realize what she is about to lose. Don't stay in limbo. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 Just to give everybody an update. It's been a couple months since I've been home from deployment and we've been separated. It's just like it's been since day one. She still cold hearted and still treating me as the enemy. I was the one wanting to work it out, and then she's trying to say that I'm being pushy that I'm controlling and then I'll never change. I could tell she cares sometimes by what she says but I just don't know what to think anymore. I just don't want to give up too soon on my marriage considering we've been married 10 years and have two children together. I still think about her all the time but it's getting easier every day. I'm actually eating and working out in the first month I lost 30 pounds just from the stress alone. I don't look at her social media as often anymore and I'm starting to move on a little bit but it's still a piece of methat feels empty inside and that I miss her a lot. I haven't been sleeping is good I wake up at least two or three times a night and I have dreams about her all the time. I don't know what to do Link to post Share on other sites
The_Onceler Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Hi MM. I am glad to see you chiming in with an update. I am sorry that things are still so hard for you - just trust that things will improve. You will have good days and bad days, and sometimes you will feel like you are taking a step backwards, but overall, things will get better. I agree - the sleep interruptions and the dreams about the ex are the hardest. I find that when I am tired and/or half in the dream state, these things seem MUCH worse than they really are. When I find myself in bed at night, half in and out of the dream state, stressing over my situation, I have forced myself to just wake up, regardless of the time. Once I am more fully awake, whatever it was that was bothering me seems to fade and appear much more manageable. Then I either start my day, or read or something and try to go back to sleep. Even if that means that I start my workday at like, 3 AM, the upside is that I will be that much more tired the next night, and will be able to sleep more soundly. I find that I dream of her more after I have seen her, so keep your interactions to a minimum, and avoid her on social media. Nothing hurts more than seeing pictures of your ex when she is out having fun with other people, or even worse, another man. Hang in there. Whatever is driving her, she seems intent on her course. The best thing you can do for yourself is to avoid being her plan B, and just keep moving forward. Focus on your kids, focus on you, and focus on an independent future. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 12, 2017 Share Posted March 12, 2017 Hi Military Man, how are you doing these last few days? Hope things are improving for you and that you have been able to detach from your WW(?) sufficiently to be able to function normally again. It seems that there is little chance that she is going to come back to you and she certainly seems to have detached herself completely from you. I think Onceler had some good advice for you. Just keep working on making yourself happy. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 I appreciate it. I don't think she wouldn't come back to me anytime soon. She seems to have other priorities than to make her marriage work. She just seems nonchalant about everything. We actually talked on the phone for an hour the other day (She called me out of nowhere) but it didn't seem to solve anything. She still isn't giving me the truth about everything. It just made me more upset that after 10 years she just can't be honest about things or atleast say she is sorry. I need to initiate the NO CONTACT with her, but it's hard when you have children involved. It just seem like the only time she wants to talk is if she needs me to watch our kids cause she has to work or so on so forth. It's never about our marriage. She told me that she didn't want to file for divorce but she would do a legal separation if it came down to it. That confused me as to why she would do that but not file for divorce. I know she wouldn't initiate that either though, cause it would have already been done by now if that was the case. I'm getting better day to day though. I think I'm almost at the acceptance stage in this whole fiasco. Can everyone give me tips on how to do the Bo Contact with kids? I don't want her to think that she can run over me, but I'm afraid if I say no to picking up my kids, I'll be viewed as a bad father or that I don't care. We have a schedule but there is legitimate times to where she has work or school(I verified) that she does need help. Plus my kids start up Baseball and it's going to be tough seeing her at games....I know it's easy to say be cordial and act like it doesn't bother you but it does bother me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I appreciate it. I don't think she wouldn't come back to me anytime soon. She seems to have other priorities than to make her marriage work. She just seems nonchalant about everything. We actually talked on the phone for an hour the other day (She called me out of nowhere) but it didn't seem to solve anything. She still isn't giving me the truth about everything. It just made me more upset that after 10 years she just can't be honest about things or atleast say she is sorry. I need to initiate the NO CONTACT with her, but it's hard when you have children involved. It just seem like the only time she wants to talk is if she needs me to watch our kids cause she has to work or so on so forth. It's never about our marriage. She told me that she didn't want to file for divorce but she would do a legal separation if it came down to it. That confused me as to why she would do that but not file for divorce. I know she wouldn't initiate that either though, cause it would have already been done by now if that was the case. I'm getting better day to day though. I think I'm almost at the acceptance stage in this whole fiasco. Can everyone give me tips on how to do the Bo Contact with kids? I don't want her to think that she can run over me, but I'm afraid if I say no to picking up my kids, I'll be viewed as a bad father or that I don't care. We have a schedule but there is legitimate times to where she has work or school(I verified) that she does need help. Plus my kids start up Baseball and it's going to be tough seeing her at games....I know it's easy to say be cordial and act like it doesn't bother you but it does bother me Contact at this time says "I'm still here waiting and you can with me as you wish". Most say they can't do no contact or low contact with kids as an excuse to keep taking the breadcrumbs. This will just keep you in limbo. No contact with kids - never answer a phone call direct. Let it go to voicemail. If it is about the kids or business reply with a short txt or email. Only contact about the kids or business by text or email. Keep it short, civil and to the point. Nothing more. Any other texts - no response needed. Hanging on every call, etc from her at this time is to your detriment. Better wake up. All pickups and drops offs should be a 5 minute exercise. It's not written anywhere you have to engage. Just say "I gotta go" and leave. Go your own way. Look and smell good but be aloof. Engagement will just make you look like a whipped pup. Strength is attractive, weakness is not. You really need to find out what's up. I suspect you just don't want to know so you don't have to do anything about your situation but burrying your head in the sand won't get you much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 I will always talk to my children regardless. As far as exchange, they get out of her car, into mines, then I leave. No words exchanged. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I will always talk to my children regardless. As far as exchange, they get out of her car, into mines, then I leave. No words exchanged. Perfect. You've got that down so just follow the rest. No contact or low contact is just meant for her. Remember you control your own phone. Not her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 That I can agree with! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The_Onceler Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Hi MM. Glad to see you are still doing well, under the circumstances. I struggled with making "no contact" work, when there are kids involved. I received the same excellent advice that you are getting, and I can tell you, it works. You seem to have the kid exchange thing all worked out. You can make a quick exchange without being combative. I make sure to always be running the show at exchanges. We either meet at a neutral location, or at her place. I won't let her come to my house. In that way, she can't prolong the encounter. By meeting in public or at her place, I can control how fast I am in and out. And definitely stop engaging - calls, emails, text, all of it. If her message pertains to the kids, then of course respond. If she starts to make it more friendly and casual, just drop it. If she picks a fight, just ignore, or respond without engaging in the fight. When my ex sends me an angry text, I just remind myself, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" That also means, do not answer any phone calls. Even if the conversation might remain cordial, it is NOT in your best interest to speak with her. It is too easy for you to backslide emotionally. Finally, don't wait for her - you should proceed with the separation/divorce. You gain nothing by waiting around in limbo. You can always stop the process if you reconcile somewhere down the line, but if you don't START the process, you will simply languish until SHE decides for you. In fact, she has already been deciding for you. Don't be that guy. I was being that guy, and I can tell you: that guy sucks. We are both better than that. I was always willing to be a team player in my relationship. I bet you were too, despite any mistakes along the way. The only difference now is that you are on a team of one. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Hi MM. Glad to see you are still doing well, under the circumstances. I struggled with making "no contact" work, when there are kids involved. I received the same excellent advice that you are getting, and I can tell you, it works. You seem to have the kid exchange thing all worked out. You can make a quick exchange without being combative. I make sure to always be running the show at exchanges. We either meet at a neutral location, or at her place. I won't let her come to my house. In that way, she can't prolong the encounter. By meeting in public or at her place, I can control how fast I am in and out. And definitely stop engaging - calls, emails, text, all of it. If her message pertains to the kids, then of course respond. If she starts to make it more friendly and casual, just drop it. If she picks a fight, just ignore, or respond without engaging in the fight. When my ex sends me an angry text, I just remind myself, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" That also means, do not answer any phone calls. Even if the conversation might remain cordial, it is NOT in your best interest to speak with her. It is too easy for you to backslide emotionally. Finally, don't wait for her - you should proceed with the separation/divorce. You gain nothing by waiting around in limbo. You can always stop the process if you reconcile somewhere down the line, but if you don't START the process, you will simply languish until SHE decides for you. In fact, she has already been deciding for you. Don't be that guy. I was being that guy, and I can tell you: that guy sucks. We are both better than that. I was always willing to be a team player in my relationship. I bet you were too, despite any mistakes along the way. The only difference now is that you are on a team of one. Good luck! Exactly. You have given her control of the situation and you. She's playing you and using your weakness against you. You can always slow the D or stop it if you choose or her actions warrant it. IMO you'd do well to figure out who she's seeing and blow that up at the same time if you're wanting to save this. Waiting around in limbo will just be added misery. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted May 9, 2017 Author Share Posted May 9, 2017 Hello all, I posted a few months back on how me and my wife separated while I was on deployment. To recap: 2 weeks before I deployed, I texted another female and she found out about it. I deployed and she had an emotional affair while I was gone. Said she wasn't "In love" with me and separated from me. I came home and things did not improve. NOW THE UPDATE. 3 days ago my wife invited me over to her house (First time we had a face to face since I been back) she told me she was no longer friends with that man and we seemed to get a lot of the stuff out there but she never told me the reason why they stopped being friends. Additionally, she told me that I was controlling and she didn't think I would change. She said she hardened her heart towards me. Towards the end of the night she said she still didn't know what she wanted to do about our marriage. Fast forward to today, I texted her and wished her a good day. She responded back Ok, just divorce me". I told her that's not what I wanted. She then told me "To much time had passed". She then told me that I made her feel as if she wasn't good enough and she hardened her heart towards me. I asked her then if she lost all of her feelings toward me and she responded "I think so". I asked her if She was going to divorce me, she stated "No, I'm to busy to deal with relationship matters". I then asked if she wasn't busy would she. She said "Not sure". My question to you all is do you think I could still rebuild my trust with her? I know she is looking for a change and she feels that I haven't changed. Do I continue to talk to her or do I stop talking to her to let her forget me/miss me?? I'm just so lost right now..I love my wife and there are control/anger/jealousy issues I am dealing with and seeking help for. Just don't want to lose my marriage over a text message. I know I broke her heart and betrayed her trust..just don't know what else I could do. I apologized, sent cards and flowers everything.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted May 9, 2017 Author Share Posted May 9, 2017 She said if I never would have texted another female like that she would have never done that plus she resented me for deploying cause I had the option not too, but I was trying to better us financially by doing so Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 She said if I never would have texted another female like that she would have never done that plus she resented me for deploying cause I had the option not too, but I was trying to better us financially by doing so What was the text about? Emotional affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted May 9, 2017 Author Share Posted May 9, 2017 Yes, it was was an emotional affair. Me and my wife where distant before I left. I would work and she was in school. Then we took care of the kids. We somewhere along the line lost our romance. I was on a chat site talking about sports and someone took interest in me and it went from there. It was someone to talk to and I should have never done that. I know it was a huge mistake Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Yes, it was was an emotional affair. Me and my wife where distant before I left. I would work and she was in school. Then we took care of the kids. We somewhere along the line lost our romance. I was on a chat site talking about sports and someone took interest in me and it went from there. It was someone to talk to and I should have never done that. I know it was a huge mistake Deploying after was a bigger one but you can't fix that now. You are dealing with a hardened wife now. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 9, 2017 Share Posted May 9, 2017 Hello all, I posted a few months back on how me and my wife separated while I was on deployment. To recap: 2 weeks before I deployed, I texted another female and she found out about it. I deployed and she had an emotional affair while I was gone. Said she wasn't "In love" with me and separated from me. I came home and things did not improve. NOW THE UPDATE. 3 days ago my wife invited me over to her house (First time we had a face to face since I been back) she told me she was no longer friends with that man and we seemed to get a lot of the stuff out there but she never told me the reason why they stopped being friends. Additionally, she told me that I was controlling and she didn't think I would change. She said she hardened her heart towards me. Towards the end of the night she said she still didn't know what she wanted to do about our marriage. Know where you are. He was her boyfriend. He either dumped her or it didn't work out for some reason. Fast forward to today, I texted her and wished her a good day. She responded back Ok, just divorce me". I told her that's not what I wanted. She then told me "To much time had passed". She then told me that I made her feel as if she wasn't good enough and she hardened her heart towards me. I asked her then if she lost all of her feelings toward me and she responded "I think so". I asked her if She was going to divorce me, she stated "No, I'm to busy to deal with relationship matters". I then asked if she wasn't busy would she. She said "Not sure". My question to you all is do you think I could still rebuild my trust with her? I know she is looking for a change and she feels that I haven't changed. Do I continue to talk to her or do I stop talking to her to let her forget me/miss me?? I'm just so lost right now..I love my wife and there are control/anger/jealousy issues I am dealing with and seeking help for. Just don't want to lose my marriage over a text message. I know I broke her heart and betrayed her trust..just don't know what else I could do. I apologized, sent cards and flowers everything.. Yes you betrayed her and it seems she's had a revenge affair. Don't be in denial of what's happened. What do you want now? Can you live with this? That's what you should be pondering. It appears she is stringing you along perhaps wanting to punish you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MilitaryMan Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 Guess I have to think about what I need to do. If it's an emotional affair, I can get over that. If it was physical, don't think I can Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts