Freaking out Possible divorce.

[madamelinwe]

A run down of my life:

 

-Married for 10 years

-2 children. One is 6, the other is 3.

-We've been to marriage counseling once. We've had help from Pastors when we were sort of going to church. He does not want to go again, and does not think it will help.

-He has crohn's, and often doesn't feel good. Even more so if he gets stressed

-I just started going back to college for a little extra boost to my a.a. I'm working on a early education a.a, so that mean i can be a preschool teacher.

Preschool teachers where I work only make about $25k a year.

-The past ten years of our marriage has not been great. I know that. I feel it's better in some ways, but just not going to where it should be in other ways.

-I'm a stay at home mom

-My step brother just moved close to me, but he has roommates.

-I was in a resource room for math in h.s. (If you don't know what that means, it means that you were very slow to learn math, and never learned algebra, but you can learn it. ) I did learn algebra in college, it was really hard sometimes, i almost didn't make it.

 

Skip forwards to tonight:

it's late, we are in bed, i'm thinking about my day, and my husband says something. I say, " i'm sorry, i wasn't listening. My brain didn't register that you were talking until you stopped." He says, it was nothing, but sounded frustrated. I have a lot of anxiety and trust issues due to my life and because of all the nasty problems our marriage had, so i panic. apparently, it made him really mad. Cue him going down stairs. My gut told me, he wasn't happy, so i should check on him. So i went downstairs. He was working on a document that what he called, "our last horray" he is a list of everything wrong in his life. A lot of it being me. He said there are a lot of major issues he wants me to work on, or else, as in the d word. He wants me to come up with some of my own, after reading his document (he isn't done yet, so i can't see it) He think he will give us a year, but maybe not even be that long. I mean, i know i've been unhappy to, and have been thinking the same thing, but it still really hurt to hear.

 

Now i'm sitting here, freaking out. Why?

1. I have no idea what my life would be like financially, if we divorce I don't think the career i'm going for will be enough to pay the bills by myself. I have no idea where I will live. I don't feel like I have enough skill set to go for anything else, if a preschool teacher isn't enough. I'm afraid, i'll have to take some crap job and miss out on my children (i know it could be worth it, if it means we are both happier)I don't even feel like i would be able to go for a b.a and be a elementary teacher (since I suck at math). I really hate the idea of having to become some pushy sales person to make ends meet, that seems to be the only good paying job that doesn't come with lots of math or lots of experience.

 

2. I don't know what i'll do emotionally: I'll feel like such a failure if we get a divorce. I feel l like i've tried my ass off. Yet, i know it will feel like i did nothing. I know it's because he said it doesn't look like I care, because i haven't changed somethings.(He doesn't understand a lot of that is just because \r have my own anxiety issues.)

 

I know it's not right away. I just feel scared to try. I feel scared he won't see my trying to change (mostly due to the fact i've already changed a lot), that no matter what i do, it just won't be enough. That thought, hurts. It breaks my heart. Our marriage is rough, yet, is still hope it'll come out good, you know? All I want to do, is just, back away, because i fear it will hurt worse if i try. It goes right back into all my emotional worries. I know that won't solve anything, but right now, i just don't feel strong.

[mikeylo]

From what I get after reading this is, that your husband wants to give it another chance before calling it quits. Fair enough. You need to do exactly what he is doing. Write down what you need from him and be receptive of his requirements.

 

Are you taking any medication for your health issues. If not, then why not ?

[The_Onceler]

Hi madamelinwe,

 

after reading your post, a few things occur to me:

 

(1) You both seem to have health issues. Are you both taking the necessary steps to deal with the Crohn's and anxiety? I myself struggle with this notion, but I think it is quite true: we each need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. I don't mean you need to be "selfish" - I just mean that, if we are each suffering from some illness or condition, it makes it harder to spare energy to work on our relationships.

 

 

(2) It sounds as if, at least on the surface, you both want to make your marriage work. So, that is a good thing. I suggest that you work with your husband and make the list that he suggested. If he thinks it will help, then why not? That said, if your husband REALLY wants to work on your marriage, then he has ZERO EXCUSE to avoid counseling, whether from a marriage counselor or your Pastor. It's that same as making that list he asked for - if one of you thinks you have a tool that might help, then you each owe it to each other to give it a try.

 

Going to counseling "once" is not a proper way to determine if counseling will work. I myself had sought out individual counseling (along with Al-Anon meetings), and I found that it took months of both before I started to see real success. Maybe you will see faster improvement, but whatever - what is a few months if you are trying to save a 10 year marriage and your family?

 

 

(3) The financial bits are SCARY. No doubt. Even more so as a SAHM (my ex was a SAHM up until a few years back, and worked part time or mother's hours since then). But as much as it pains me to remind you of this, you need to consider the impact of alimony and child support.

 

You will of course want/need to consult an attorney if you get to the point of divorce, but for the sake of conversation, you can probably expect to recieve somewhere around half of your husband's income. Details around your custody agreement, your earning potential, and his income will of course impact this. I can tell you that in my case, where I pay only child support (no alimony - we were never married), where I have the kids with me 50% of the time, and where she has a good paying job, I still give her about 20% of my take home pay. In the end, she winds up with a couple hundred dollars more each month in her pocket than I do!

 

 

(4) College and career issues may seem impossible. I know that I struggled with that, and it is still an area of great stress. When my ex decided to leave, it came at a time when I had JUST taken on a new job with a lot more responsibility and demands on my time. I had no idea how I was going to manage my new job AND take care of the kids. I mean, I was always their dad, but with their mom at home, I could get up each day and be in the office at 6:00 AM. And if I needed to stay late, their mom was there to pick them up from school. After the separation, how was that going to work? After putting the kids on the bus, I wouldn't arrive at the office until 9:00 or 10:00 AM! And on those days when I needed to pick them up, I would have to leave work at 3:30 or 4:00 PM! How was any of that going to work??

 

Well, as with all things in parenting, I found a way. And so will you. Just this past week, one of my daughters was home sick for two of the three days that she was with me. So, I woke early to get some work done before the kids were up, and worked after they were in bed. I called in to meetings when I could, and I worked when she fell asleep during the day. Then I went in and worked all day yesterday (Saturday), while the kids were with their mom. Your situation will not be the same as mine, but I am sure that you will find a way to do what needs to be done.

 

 

(5) I think it is too much to expect that either of you will change, and you should not be expected to change. Don't put that demand on him, or yourself. That being said, each of us CAN work on our relationships. Take me: my ex (and my kids!) complain that I am forgetful. For my part, I *do* try harder to not forget, and I try to write things down and give myself other reminder's, but in the end, my brain works the way that it works. In this case, working on our relationship meant that I tried harder to mitigate my forgetfulness, and my ex worked harder on letting go. Sure, if I forgot to pick up the kids or something, that would be a REAL issue. But if I have to ask her a question more than once, she can choose wether to get angry with me or not.

 

Same for you: you don't need to fundamentally change in order to work on having a better relationship. You are who you are. Your husband might wish you were taller, but what can you do? You could by high heels or platform shoes to wear now and again, but you can't BECOME taller, and you can't wear heels all the time. At this stage, your willingness to engage him in writing his list, and his willingness (hopefully!) to go to counseling again - those would be sufficient changes, IMHO.

 

Sorry for the long post! Good luck!

[madamelinwe]

From what I get after reading this is, that your husband wants to give it another chance before calling it quits. Fair enough. You need to do exactly what he is doing. Write down what you need from him and be receptive of his requirements.

 

Are you taking any medication for your health issues. If not, then why not ?

 

I have no real medications. There is a supplement out there I can take to help it. I probably should take it more often. A lot of my anxiety has to deal with how he treated me in the past. I want to fix it so badly, and make sure he's happy, i get a little frustrating for him. Well, that's sometimes anyways. There are other times I have a hard time listening to what he's saying. He has this really nasty habbit of giving me a lecture, instead of sticking to how something made him feel.

[madamelinwe]

 

 

 

He does take care of himself. I try to, but my anxiety has been very much out of control lately. I have realized, I should at least take my natural medication for awhile. I told him, once we get insurance again, I'd like to go to counseling, and get help with my anxiety. I think this could really help me and our marriage.

 

 

I know. He just doesn't believe in counseling anymore. I think he thinks it will for sure drive us to divorce or something. That is a very good point though.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for everything that you said. I needed to hear all of that. I feel more hopefully, and not like i'm just going to bam, lose everything. I think i just felt extra spooked since he mentioned that he is going to measure how well he think i'm doing on changing what he wants me to change. It felt like, it wouldn't matter what I do. Maybe instead, i should see it as, if he doesn't want to see my good side, if he really wants to judge me, then i should feel some comfort in knowing i won't be with someone like that.

 

I wasn't sure how much money I would get at all. It sounds like child support + alimony would help in that area. I think i freaked out more since i'm pretty sure there isn't any way i'll be getting the house.

[madamelinwe]

 

 

 

He does take care of himself. I try to, but my anxiety has been very much out of control lately. I have realized, I should at least take my natural medication for awhile. I told him, once we get insurance again, I'd like to go to counseling, and get help with my anxiety. I think this could really help me and our marriage.

 

 

I know. He just doesn't believe in counseling anymore. I think he thinks it will for sure drive us to divorce or something. That is a very good point though.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for everything that you said. I needed to hear all of that. I feel more hopefully, and not like i'm just going to bam, lose everything. I think i just felt extra spooked since he mentioned that he is going to measure how well he think i'm doing on changing what he wants me to change. It felt like, it wouldn't matter what I do. Maybe instead, i should see it as, if he doesn't want to see my good side, if he really wants to judge me, then i should feel some comfort in knowing i won't be with someone like that.

 

I wasn't sure how much money I would get at all. It sounds like child support + alimony would help in that area. I think i freaked out more since i'm pretty sure there isn't any way i'll be getting the house.

[aurelius99]

You seem more concerned about losing your house and finances than you do about losing your husband. My ex was the same way. We are divorced now.

[minimariah]

You seem more concerned about losing your house and finances than you do about losing your husband. My ex was the same way. We are divorced now.

 

^ what's the point of this post...?

 

yeah, it's actually LOGICAL for the OP to be more concerned about her own survival than about the husband who's already checked out. the husband isn't vital to her life - her WORK, finances, house... CHILDREN? THAT's what matters.

 

OP - if i were you, i'd start preparing for an ugly divorce. he seems like an abuser & a passive aggressive one at that, too.

[Mr. Lucky]

^ what's the point of this post...?

 

I think his point is, if viewed solely in practical and financial terms, marriage can lose its appeal for either partner. It really only works if the emotional bond stays in place and you care about the other person.

 

Not arguing whether the loss of that connection was deserved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[memickee]

Did everyone miss " He said there are a lot of major issues he wants ME (instead of WE) to work on, or else, as in the d word."? Sounds pretty controlling to me. It sounds threatening to me.

 

As one person pointed out, he seems like an abuser from what you have shared.

[LancasterAmos1966]

It sounds threatening to me.

 

 

Yes, I see it as a threat too.

 

And in my opinion, any time there is a threat of divorce, it's time for the other partner to quickly prepare to be separated/divorced in the near future.

 

The OP might be able to make enough changes to keep her husband around for a few extra months of years; but the threat has been made, so if she doesn't comb her hair one morning, or she burns the toast, he now has a reason to say "that's it, I've tried, but I can't take this anymore."

 

The blame will be placed onto her, and he will walk away bragging about how much he tried to keep his marriage intact.

 

Yes, the OP might need to make some changes, but it's the threat of divorce that proves the husband is looking for a way out.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, I see it as a threat too.

 

And in my opinion, any time there is a threat of divorce, it's time for the other partner to quickly prepare to be separated/divorced in the near future.

 

Which further dilutes these as reasons for staying in the marriage:

 

1. I have no idea what my life would be like financially, if we divorce

2. I don't know what i'll do emotionally

 

Mr. Lucky

[kmpisces]

You need to have some in depth talks with him. Have him tell you in detail the concerns he has. Listen closely. Tell him the things you can and can't change. Be honest. Then tell him what your concerns are. See what he can and can't change.

[DKT3]

Sometimes when we believe we've made some serious change in our behavior it's actually only in our heads and the behavior itself hasn't changed at all, only that we recognize the behavior and tell ourselves we've changed.

 

What I get from your writing is you simply don't give your husband attention and his patience is running thin. Just like in your writing, you seem so wrapped up in how everything is affecting you, doesn't seem like you have much compassion or empathy for him.

 

I'm really confused about the comments about your step brother moving close?? Are you wanting to move in with him??