24yo virgin, no relationship experience. Too late now?

[LovelessLoserAt24]

I'm tall, goodlooking, fit and well dressed, but I'v e always been shy and couldn't go after girls most of the time. Never looked for meaningless sex and even turned it down last year, bit I see now that losing my v-card would've changed a lot and I will try to do it next week with a girl who's coming over on our third date.

 

What scares me is that I missed out on crucial experience that will forever keep me single and lonely. I'm needy and just want to be loved which of course can't be hidden from women and that inevitably means rejections... The only girl I wanted for the longest time is sleeping with an alpha douchebag and I'm still on square one.

 

tl;dr: Is a normal love life at this point still possible? How do I get meaningful relationships before I need to settle down? How do I not lower my standards in women just to not be alone?

[Sweetfish]

I'm tall, goodlooking, fit and well dressed, but I'v e always been shy and couldn't go after girls most of the time. Never looked for meaningless sex and even turned it down last year, bit I see now that losing my v-card would've changed a lot and I will try to do it next week with a girl who's coming over on our third date.

 

What scares me is that I missed out on crucial experience that will forever keep me single and lonely. I'm needy and just want to be loved which of course can't be hidden from women and that inevitably means rejections... The only girl I wanted for the longest time is sleeping with an alpha douchebag and I'm still on square one.

 

tl;dr: Is a normal love life at this point still possible? How do I get meaningful relationships before I need to settle down? How do I not lower my standards in women just to not be alone?

 

Sounds like you have a conditioning problem. If you need to be loved. You will have relationship issues and until you lose that need to be love, thats when you will have more options. You turned down sex because you want it to be special?

[LovelessLoserAt24]

I want to be loved like everyone else seems to be. No, I didn't turn it down mainly because of that but because I can't see myself having sex with a woman I don't actually like.

[BaileyB]

No, it's never too late.

 

But, you need to get yourself together and develop more self esteem and a healthier view of relationships, before you will be ready for a successful relationship. I suggest that you talk with friends, read some books, or find a good counsellor.

[LovelessLoserAt24]

It's just that I've never heard of someone in my situation making it out fine... People like me tend to either become 40yo virgins or overcorrecting ****bois who sleep with countless women but never experience love anyway.

I'm scared my inexperience will keep me from having good relationships.

[BaileyB]

It's just that I've never heard of someone in my situation making it out fine... People like me tend to either become 40yo virgins or overcorrecting ****bois who sleep with countless women but never experience love anyway.

I'm scared my inexperience will keep me from having good relationships.

 

Dude, you really need to find a counsellor. You have some very limiting, self defeating thinking happening there... I'm telling you, continue down this path, and you will be a 40 year old virgin because that kind of negativity is really not attractive to women.

 

You are 24 years old for goodness sake! You have your whole life ahead of you. Change your thinking and meet some people and get some more experience with dating... And find a counsellor!

[LovelessLoserAt24]

I am looking for one, but the only one who had a free spot around here turned out to be really bad. I mean really, really horrible. I'll have to wait for another one now.

As for having all the time in the world, I don't like the idea of starting a family at 40, and I want to live a little until it's time to do it, but it seems like there's not much time left to still do it.

I know I'm overthinking, I know. But people who haven't gone through this will never understand how painful it can be.

[DarrenB]

I know I'm overthinking, I know. But people who haven't gone through this will never understand how painful it can be.

 

I feel actually going through an act of rejection, abandonment, or a loss of a loved one is a lot more traumatic and severe than having the anxiety of what it feels like (For instance yourself as you haven't experienced it yet). Personal preference really.

 

I can understand how it must be frustrating, but what you need to also understand is that there is a lot of opportunity still. You're 24, some of my colleagues I work with are in their 30's and are yet to experience intimacy or to be romantically involved with someone; they also are looking to settle down and start families within the next 5-10 years. What I'm trying to point out here, is that you're never too young or too old to find love, meaningful love. What I'm also trying to get you to realize there's a lot more things in life that can offer you happiness. It's not just a relationship or having romantic escapades with someone that can create an abundance of joy and love in life.

 

It might take long duration's of soul-searching or finding the right person who is completely compatible for you but the time will come. Allowing yourself to think so negative about this specific predicament is not going to help you, nor benefit you. At this point in time you are probably thinking to yourself "It's easier said than done" and that is true, however you are the only person who can allow yourself to step outside of your own comfort zone and begin a new chapter of your life, in this case finding romance.

[LovelessLoserAt24]

You're right. The rejection from this girl was the most gutting experience of my life. I'd rather walk up and down broken glass than tfeel this way again. I can't stand that a wonderful and super compatible gorl like her doesn't feel the same way. I know it's pathetic nice guy thinking but her current guy clearly cares nothing about her and it makes it all the worse.

 

Now I'll have to be content to lose my v-card to this girl I'm dating and frankly can't stand, if it even happens that is.

 

Thank you for your reply, I need thoughts like yours...

[preraph]

Well, you know what is holding you back is your neediness, which is not attractive and not easy to live with, so since you know this is your problem, you should go work on that in therapy and then date. Just getting laid isn't even going to begin to solve your problem. You need to find out why you're so needy and then work on ending that. Good luck.

[ZA Dater]

You're right. The rejection from this girl was the most gutting experience of my life. I'd rather walk up and down broken glass than tfeel this way again. I can't stand that a wonderful and super compatible gorl like her doesn't feel the same way. I know it's pathetic nice guy thinking but her current guy clearly cares nothing about her and it makes it all the worse.

 

Now I'll have to be content to lose my v-card to this girl I'm dating and frankly can't stand, if it even happens that is.

 

Thank you for your reply, I need thoughts like yours...

 

Been where you are and to an extent I still am, at 32.

 

 

What has helped me is to find some inner peace and stop beating myself up about the v card and yes you do eventually shy away from rejection, normal I think.

 

 

What can you do?

 

 

Focus on yourself, you are young, plenty of time, rather focus on being able to communicate with people, that's more important, if you can get friend zoned that also might help your confidence, it certainly did for me and that will take away that need to be loved.

 

 

Trust that inner peace will radiate outward.

[MrPlop]

Like I said in another thread, first time sex sucks. I used to think like you, there's no unicorns or any surreal magical event taking place. What you need to understand is that your first love will most likely not be the person you'll end up with for the rest of your life. So don't go expecting just cuz you give someone your vcard they'll stick around, when they decide to leave they wouldn't care less.

[LovelessLoserAt24]

((deleted))

Edited January 15, 2017 by LovelessLoserAt24

[devilish innocent]

I may be misreading things, but it sounds like you don't even want to have sex with this girl you plan to sleep with. If that's the case, I say don't do it. It seems you're scared that girls are going to judge you for being a virgin. A few may do that, but I'm sure many won't care. My husband was the same age as you and also a virgin when he and I started dating. It's not that he had any religious or moral objections to having sex. Like you, he just didn't see the appeal of having sex until the right girl came along. It's always been nice to be that girl who was special enough for him. I prefer it to the alternative personally.

[5x5]

You're right. The rejection from this girl was the most gutting experience of my life. I'd rather walk up and down broken glass than tfeel this way again.

 

Someone turning you down shouldn't normally elicit such a response.

 

She is under no obligation to find you sexually attractive and or romantically desirable, just like you also have no entitlement to her.

 

If she doesn't want to be with you like that, rejecting you is certainly the best possible outcome.

 

The only girl I wanted for the longest time is sleeping with an alpha douchebag and I'm still on square one.

 

I can't stand that a wonderful and super compatible gorl like her doesn't feel the same way. I know it's pathetic nice guy thinking but her current guy clearly cares nothing about her and it makes it all the worse.

 

Hmmm...

 

Now I'll have to be content to lose my v-card to this girl I'm dating and frankly can't stand, if it even happens that is.

 

How is wanting to have sex with a woman who is interested in you, yet you can't stand not being a douchebag?

[Lilyana76]

Its never too late!

 

I'm 40 and entering the dating scene after my 20 year marriage ended. If there is no hope for you, then man am I screwed!!!

 

There is always hope at any time in life to find love. Put yourself out there, show interest in the ones your interested in.

 

I think if you just want to have sex with the girl your currently seeing, just to "lose your cherry", you are playing a dangerous game, with not only your heart, but hers as well. Tread lightly. Be cautious. Don't jump into the sack with someone just to get it over with. When the right time presents itself you will know.

[LovelessLoserAt24]

You see, I'm sick of alpha douchebag dudes getting the women I want and treating them like ****. I'm done with guys that don't even look close to as good as I do snatch those things away from me. All that stands in my way is my insecurity and my fear of sex. If I don't get my first time over with now it'll only worsen. Not saying it will solve any of my problems but it's the start.

[JennaDT]

I really think you need to relax more and focus on enjoying yourself. The impression I'm getting now is that you are so focused on losing your virginity that every time you meet a girl, you immediately start to think 'will she be the one I'm losing my virginity to?'

 

My ex-boyfriend and I were actually friends for months first before anything happened. I knew he was really into me but I usually need time to really get to know someone before I fall in love with them. So long story short, after a few months of getting to know each other and hanging out as friends, we became a couple and he lost his virginity to me at age 27. Around that same time one of my girl friends was dating a guy who at age 29 had already slept with over 20 women and I was soooo happy my guy was not like that.

 

Just try to casually meet new people and explore your interests and the right girl will come along, I'm sure of that. And don't be worried about the whole virginity thing. It won't be a problem at all for the right girl :-).

[LovelessLoserAt24]

I need time to really fall in love as well, but every time I get friendzoned because I'm not agressive enough. It feels like a knife in the gut every time because by that point I will have developed a strong oneitis and feelings for these girls, but they inevitably get with the typical jock loser. It's unbearable.

[ZA Dater]

I need time to really fall in love as well, but every time I get friendzoned because I'm not agressive enough. It feels like a knife in the gut every time because by that point I will have developed a strong oneitis and feelings for these girls, but they inevitably get with the typical jock loser. It's unbearable.

 

I can relate. What you need to do is step back and not become fixated with the idea of dating. Its easy to get into being fixated on an idea and when it goes wrong the entire world feels like its collapsed. Its about balance, balance dating with general life.

 

 

24 is young and there are lots of other things you can focus on. I have been in that dark place you described above, many time in fact. Did feeling sorry for myself help me? Not one bit. Did it make me desirable? Definitely not.

[Sweetfish]

You see, I'm sick of alpha douchebag dudes getting the women I want and treating them like ****. I'm done with guys that don't even look close to as good as I do snatch those things away from me. All that stands in my way is my insecurity and my fear of sex. If I don't get my first time over with now it'll only worsen. Not saying it will solve any of my problems but it's the start.

 

 

Everything you said above is inaccurate and the #1 cause of male failure with women.

[mightycpa]

You see, I'm sick of alpha douchebag dudes getting the women I want and treating them like ****. I'm done with guys that don't even look close to as good as I do snatch those things away from me. All that stands in my way is my insecurity and my fear of sex. If I don't get my first time over with now it'll only worsen. Not saying it will solve any of my problems but it's the start.

You don't have to treat girls like sh*t in order to be with them, and in fact, short to long term, that's a losing strategy, at least for the women who are worth having.

 

What you do have to be is true to yourself and expressive with your desires. For example, when you decide to do something spur of the moment, like go out to eat, or watch a movie, a good alpha dog will have a stated preference. You might give her a chance to offer suggestions or to decide, but at the first sign of waffling on her part,

 

OK, well, then let's go eat at the Alpha Dog cafe, and then we'll see that new movie It's All About Me, how's that sound?

 

None of this:

 

No, I don't care, I'll do whatever you want to do, you decide! I'm happy just being around you!

 

Anyway, that's the "nice" mindset you have to avoid. Have some thoughts and desires of your own, and express them, and advocate for them too. Women love that. Enthusiasm counts for a whole lot in a guy, just like it counts for a whole lot in sex.

[5x5]

You see, I'm sick of alpha douchebag dudes getting the women I want and treating them like ****.

 

Lots of people who are romantically and sexually successful aren't **** or alpha douchebag dudes.

 

Absent coercion etc, women choose who they want to be with. At the end of the day if some women aren't choosing you, it is self evident that they don't find you very attractive.

 

I'm done with guys that don't even look close to as good as I do snatch those things away from me.

 

No one is snatching anything from you. Women aren't your property. They have their own agency and have no obligation to you, just as you have no entitlement to them.

 

As to looks, sure being handsome can help. Yet looks alone can't compensate for a lack of charm, wit, poor social skills and a rotten attitude.

 

Instead of blaming others, you would do well to look beyond the facade you see in your own mirror. Change your mind and the sex may follow.

 

All that stands in my way is my insecurity and my fear of sex.

 

Not quite, that sense of entitlement and erroneous belief that people who have dating and sexual success are douchebags stands in your way as well.

 

If I don't get my first time over with now it'll only worsen. Not saying it will solve any of my problems but it's the start.

 

[Sweetfish]

Anyway, that's the "nice" mindset you have to avoid. Have some thoughts and desires of your own, and express them, and advocate for them too. Women love that. Enthusiasm counts for a whole lot in a guy, just like it counts for a whole lot in sex.

 

I don't like the idea that you said that "women" like this...

Women are not some special species that requires special attention. Its not like they are pet raccoons that require special care and attention. Thats why men are having problems with women... because they believe being nice will catch them a "raccoon" and because racoons say they want a nice and gentle man. Many younger men are following this rule and eventually not developing their true self and develop a need to please others.

 

The reality is people in general like a person with substance and definition. When you say your "nice" this is not a behavior that creates bonds between people. When you strip away your need to please others... your left with nothing. If you need to be nice... donate, join big brothers, clean up your neighborhood, join a club.

 

But if you are not unqiue or embrace your desires no one will appericate who you are. You will assume they do... but in reality they appericate you only for your resources.

 

Now your at a cross road...

 

Continue this behavior and become jaded.

 

See reality for what it is.. which requires to kill part of your belief system.

[LovelessLoserAt24]

I don't call anyone who gets with girls a douchebag, I really don't. My lst posts come from a place of frustration. I get to know a woman, I start to like her... then somebody just comes along with his tattoos, huge car and watches and gets to be with her. It utterly destroys my self-esteem and I just don't know what women want anymore. If there's always somebody better out there, how can I ever be confident a woman won't choose one of those guys?

I don't even know what "standard" of woman I "deserve", sonce I have no reference point. Can I get with the cute sports student from my class, or do I need to settle for the overweight, homely girl from tinder? Does every cute girl inevitably want the jock guy? Am I good enough for the girls I find attractive?

 

It's maddening. The girl I liked and talked about here messed with my expectations so much. Her ex was a lot like me, only much thinner, frankly uglier and not that interesting, popular or sympathetic (no, my ego isn't that big I swear). Naturally I thought I compared and was 'good enough', but it wasn't so.