I never say "no"....

[thefooloftheyear]

OK...Here is the scenario...

 

I have one daughter...She is an awesome kid and I am crazy about her...She will be 14 soon...

 

Anyway, since she has been on this earth, I have made a point to give everything I can to her...I don't think i've ever said no to anything...It sometimes worries me, though...

 

Some background info...

 

I come from basically a broken home, and "no" was ail I heard...Even the smallest things were always out of reach...We were desperately poor...I learned early in life, that if I wanted anything, I was going to have to go get it...While it was a struggle, I managed to become fairly successful and things are generally good, money wise..

 

We had her pretty late in life(37), and I was already well established..While I don't tell her this, she is basically set for life, if she doesn't screw it up...Ill likely give her everything I have when she is in her 30's and I am ready to leave this planet..Which Who knows, maybe sooner? I am not a big spender and live quite modestly for what I have...

 

While she doesn't show any real signs of being a spoiled rotten kid that gets whatever she wants, I wonder if I should pull back a bit, as a way to allow her to have some of the same "hunger" I grew up with??...Id never want to relive that time, but the lessons learned have served me well...I don't ever accept failure, because I remember when failure meant a lot...I want her to understand what it's like, even though its unlikely that she will ever have to deal with it...I do constantly make a point that money/things just don't fall out of the sky..

 

Anyway, Id love to hear some stories from either parents who have done the same and their kids are grown adults, or just people who lived as my daughter currently is, and how has it benefited/affected their lives...

 

Thanks and look forward to replies,,,,Don't be afraid to criticise....I can handle it...

 

TFY

Edited January 15, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[Timshel]

My parents are well off, but I never knew it. I was aware that we were not poor...nice home, all our needs met, lot's of travel and a very good education.

 

I did not know how much money my parent's had until I had to complete college applications and my parent's income was required.

I am grateful for the way I was raised. We all had to take turns mowing the lawn (not small)...chores and such. Our allowances were average, we got a used/safe car to drive when we had our license, we weren't spoiled by any stretch of the imagination...I would say that we were enabled to find our personal strengths with opportunities, not luxury.

 

I spoil my children more than my parents did me, but I say no, often. Your daughter is an only child, as a parent, I would tend to spoil an only child more, I think.

 

I would say that a balance between providing opportunities and acknowledging/rewarding productive behavior and as you put it....allowing a little hunger, 'drive, ambition,' would be the goal.

 

As my kids are similar in age as your daughter, I am pretty much constantly thinking about the adults they will become and how to facilitate their ability to become the best, healthy, grounded adults as possible.

I want to know as much as possible that if I passed tomorrow, I have provided the tools for their well being. It's a daily ambition.

[amaysngrace]

My friends have a daughter, just one, and she is a senior in high school. They are also successful and self-made.

 

She works for them. They have a boardwalk business so some weeks she's working weekends while going to school so seven out of seven days the kid's on the go. It's been that way for years.

 

She is now working weekends at another place, a year-round business, while finishing high school.

 

She doesn't mind working because it's how she makes money. Did you ever think to give your daughter a job working for you? Does she have a cell phone? Does she pay her share of the bill?

 

My friends' daughter has been paying her phone bill for a while now. She also pays her own car insurance.

 

When she was around 15 her parents told her that whatever she saved for a car they would match. If she wanted a $2000 car, save a thousand...if she wanted a $10000 car save five, they told her.

 

She ended up getting a used Honda Element, which is a pretty decent car. She's had two minor accidents. She paid for the repairs both times.

 

If anything you can teach your daughter you should teach her the value of money and hard work. If she's a good student she already understands the hard work part.

 

Next she'll need to do something that can have her make some money. This way you can expect some things from her too, not just only always the other way around.

[Whodatdog]

Giving her all you can is fine, as long as you balance it with life learning lessons. Nothing makes a person appreciate what they have as much as having to earn it themselves, as you well know. People who have been given things all their lives are often crippled when it comes time to take care of themselves. Just make sure that doesnt happen to her.

[noelle303]

I think the most important thing is teaching by example and not being wasteful and frivolous.

 

I grew up upper-middle class, my parents were quite wealthy but they've always shown me that if you have to work very hard to be successful. My dad also showed me many useful things, balancing a checkbook, money saving tips, savings, bonds, credit etc.

 

I never wanted for anything growing up, but I am a very hard worker and I owe my work ethic to watching my dad, so I don't think your daughter needs to experience the feeling of being poor to be the same.

 

It's all about balance and what you show them.

[losangelena]

My dad had a pretty hard childhood—his family fled the soviets from Estonia at the tail-end of WWII.

 

He also hating telling us "no," so I especially, as the younger one, really had it easy as a kid. Never denied anything, never forced to really put effort into anything, take responsibility for anything. My parents didn't tell me to get a job until I was in college.

 

Overall, I'd say I'm a decent adult, but growing up that way has really made it difficult to be self-motivating. I am alway looking for that external force that will help me along, just like dad always did. I'm getting there, but like everything else, it would've been so much easier to learn as a child. I look back on how he was, and honestly I almost have to categorize it as some kind of child neglect, because I was not given good, foundational life skills.

 

So, as long as you're not parenting that way, I'd say you're probably ok.

[anika99]

My parents are well off, but I never knew it. I was aware that we were not poor...nice home, all our needs met, lot's of travel and a very good education.

 

When I was a kid the above quote was really the only noticeable difference between the wealthy kids and the not wealthy kids. They lived in really nice houses and got to take lots of really cool vacations, otherwise they were mostly like the kids from families with modest or lower incomes. The parents were wealthy, not the kids.

 

I grew up poor and then I had kids that were raised poor. I would never do that again, my children deserved a better quality of life then I was able to give them. It wasn't just the constant lack of money which was horrific enough, it was that I was also single working parent who spent much of their childhood away from them so I could work lousy paying jobs. That was made worse by the fact I didn't have the funds to pay for extracurricular activities for them, so besides being poor they were left to find their own ways to occupy their time.

 

All that being said both of my kids grew up to very independent self sufficient men. When they were kids they new that if they wanted anything outside of a roof over their head and clothing they were going to have to earn it, so they did. When the other kids had the coolest sneakers and the latest gadgets and rad bikes my boys had some of those things too because the earned the money to purchase those things themselves. When my youngest was just 13 he wanted a bmx bike that cost several hundred dollars, so besides going to school he had 2 part time jobs that paid very little. He put that bike on layaway and every week he took his little bit of money and put it on his prized bike and in just a few months he had it. I was so impressed by this, he really inspired me to do think bigger and reach higher.

 

Now my oldest son is married and has his own children. Materialisticaly I would say they are somewhat spoiled. They get a lot off unnecessary stuff that they don't have to earn but they are still great kids. My son and his wife are a great parenting team who are really involved with their kids' lives. They might buy them too much stuff but otherwise the kids are not spoiled. They are expected to do well in school, to be respectful and to follow rules. They are not allowed to be rude or lazy. So to me, spoiling kids is not just about how much you give them it's also about what you teach them and how you raise them overall. Kids who are allowed to do whatever they want, who get away with bad behaviour and who never have to consider anyone else but themselves are the kids who are going to grow up with serious problems.

[thefooloftheyear]

Thanks all....

 

The crazy part is that I suffer from those horrible times, so it prevents me from truly enjoying all the fruits of my hard work....For some crazy reason, even though there is no real evidence to back it up, I constantly live with the feeling like things are going to revert back to those days when reps from the utility companies were knocking on our doors to turn services off..

 

As a result she'll enjoy it more than I will..

 

As I read the replies I paid close attention to her today....She has balance and is very pragmatic about things, especially for her age...Who knows where this leads...

 

I just hope I am doing the right thing...I think so..I am very proud of who she is to this point...Things aren't all perfect here, but we never let it get in the way of parenting her...

 

I am relieved by some of your responses...It makes me feel a bit better...Sometimes I feel like a laydown or pushover around her, and just cave in to everything...We'll see..

 

Thanks again, and if anyone else wants to contribute, feel free...I will keep an eye on the thread..

 

TFY

[Tayla]

TFY,

 

Took a parenting class and we actually had to learn how to say YES.

 

Yes you can finish the lawn work and then we will go shopping...Or yes I'd appreciate your help in the kitchen. Or yes we are short on funds this week...

 

The Parental figures in my upgrowing years had four styles...( yes I had four sets of parent figures...each were as strange as they were familiar).

 

Only one set ever thought that saying NO constantly had its rebellious impact. Confining a person in how they can succeed or be hard core in discpline didn't help....

 

My parents said "No" thru actions, not words. such as, Tonight is dinner at grandmas, be there. (They knew I wanted to hang out at the mall...so there way of saying NO was by committing the family to an event)---see how they said No in other ways?

 

I think you speak well of your daughter...and she has been regardful of you too...take that as a good sign.

[MrDuck]

I'm not someone to give parenting advice, I just muddle along as best I can, but I have received some pretty great parenting advice along the way!

 

I grew up dirt poor, like dirt poor! My dad was an Irish traveller, and a drunk and my mum died when I was just a little kid.

 

I'm a single dad to my son. I have been since i had him when I was 17. I was travelling the world at the time and after I had him, I just kept on travelling. I did odd jobs and worked on conservation projects around the globe... I'm still not a wealthy man.

 

I dont want my son to EVER have the life i had!! I don't want him to go to bed hungry, i dont want him to be scared of me the way i was of my old man.

I would give him the stars if i could, but i cant, but i do give him everything i can!

 

I think mostly though, when i think back on my own childhood, i didnt miss not having a big tele or a games console.. I missed having an active parent, doing father son things, being loved.

 

My son is my best friend, he knows he's my world! We do everything together.. surfing, mountain biking, yoga, you name it! BUT growing up the way I did gave me Independence, and resilience, grit, humility! Those are important lessons i dont want him to miss out on. Which is a hard balance act because of course you dont want to leave your kid to struggle, but I do think some struggles are okay!

 

I don't let him take the easy way out and walk away from stuff. I'll help him, if he asks for my help, but i believe that all kids need to learn actions have consequences and that if you commit to something you absolutely have to see it through, that's an important aspect of being a man!

 

I think the thing thats really benefited me as a parent so far, I completely fell into, and thats my work. The projects i've been working on mean that me and my lad have moved countries a lot, he's had his eyes well and truly opened to the way that people live around the world, he's seen real poverty first hand. I've always involved him in the projects ive worked on and although its mostly been conservation, lots have had other elements. I've watched him help teach english in the pacific and then gone down to the beach to play with those same kids.

 

Thats not something i planned, i stumbled into it! But theres no way that i would now raise future kids without ensuring that they travel, and volunteer and just get some perspective on the world and their role within it!

[MuddyFootprints]

I'm fairly easily swayed from the 'maybe' mom to the 'yes' mom.

 

They don't try negotiating with the 'NFW' mom too much anymore.

[SpiralOut]

My parents were well off, not wealthy by any means, but I grew up with everything I needed (but not everything I wanted). I think there was a healthy balance of yes/no answers to my requests for things. Not that I asked them to buy me stuff that often. I had to help around the house with chores. I got a job soon after turning 16. I liked making my own money and doing things for myself. However, they did enjoy buying me things that they knew I wanted and would sometimes just randomly get it for me without my asking for it. It made me feel bad sometimes. I guess you could say they spoiled me a little bit, but I wasn't bratty about it.

 

My mother is the type of woman who says "no" and means it. I didn't like that when I was a kid (she would not let me get a cat no matter how often I asked), but I appreciate that about her now. I have the same trait, and you know what's funny is that I can tell who grew up with the "no...well okay yes you can have it" type of parenting. This could be a good or a bad thing. On the one hand, these people are persistent, which is good when it comes to job searching or I guess anything else that requires persuasiveness and stamina. On the other hand, they can't always recognize when a person is serious with the word no, and can be persistent to the point of being disrespectful. It is seriously annoying when I tell someone "no" and they keep asking and asking -- as if I am going to change my mind!! -- even though my answer is final. Obviously I don't know if all kids with "no...yes" parents grow up to be so damned persistent, but I know at least some of them do.

Edited February 11, 2017 by SpiralOut

[Mr. Lucky]

Sometimes I feel like a laydown or pushover around her, and just cave in to everything...We'll see..

 

Sorry, don't know your backstory. Is there a Mrs. TFY and, if so, do the two of you have the same parenting style?

 

She's 14 now so I'm sure you know saying "yes" is going to get more expensive. Car, college education, place to live, etc., you'll want those kinds of decisions to be made in context. I'm putting my 4th kid through college (whew!), for each I provided used car and tuition, they paid expenses beyond that. It's worked so far .

 

The crazy part is that I suffer from those horrible times, so it prevents me from truly enjoying all the fruits of my hard work....

 

My siblings and I watched our parents do the same thing, in their case so they could leave a small estate. We'd much rather they'd have spent the money on themselves but it was a losing battle. I'd guess someday your daughter may feel the same way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mightycpa]

I don't know if the answer is to give less or keep doing what you're doing. Every child (person) is different. She may be truly grateful for what you give her, she may not be. She might not need a lesson in deprivation.

 

As to her hunger, it is likely that she's not like you, and that's ok too. I see that as "ambition".

 

What would be more concerning to me is if she's learned to do what she needs to do to get what she wants. In other words, not a measure of her ambition, but how does she respond to a roadblock or a major challenge? So far, it sounds like "go see Daddy" but I don't know if that's fair.

 

I was raised in a similar circumstance to you, although not as dire. We didn't have bill collectors banging on the door, but we didn't have a lot of stuff either. In 11th grade, my mother was giving me the business about using her car. I said "f*ck it" and went and got a job, rode my bike there after school and a month later, I had an old beater of a car, in my name. The insurance was next to nothing on it.

 

In college, I barely had any money for fun. So I started selling pot to a small group of people I knew, one pound per week = $150 + ounce in my pocket for a few hours every Sunday.

 

I partied my a$$ off most of college, but because I was able to take the CPA exam in my senior year, I studied for it every day for 4 months, and limited my partying to one night a week.

 

When I graduated, I didn't have the clothes, the car, the other things I needed for a professional job hunt, or a professional job. So I got a construction job and drove there in my beater for four months.

 

When I quit my job to start my own firm, I ran into some collections problems with my very first client and I had to live in my car for a couple months and do my work at the public library and take my showers at the gym (thank God I bought that lifetime membership when I had money!), before I could upgrade to being a roommate, and then a homeowner.

 

In other words, I had/have this thing where I find a way to overcome obstacles. It's been a valuable trait, and I'm grateful for it. I'm pretty sure at least one of my kids has that, and at least a couple don't, or I haven't seen it yet. I often wonder if it is them, or if it is my wife, who is happy to dole out the stuff when I don't. They live a very privileged life and I wonder if that gets in the way of their character.

 

Maybe you should test it somehow, and see how she performs when she really wants something for herself and nobody will give it to her. I'm not sure what that test would look like at 14, but I'm sure you could come up with something. If she has that quality, I think you can give her whatever she wants. If not, you may be a little late out of the starting blocks.

[thefooloftheyear]

Sorry, don't know your backstory. Is there a Mrs. TFY and, if so, do the two of you have the same parenting style?

 

She's 14 now so I'm sure you know saying "yes" is going to get more expensive. Car, college education, place to live, etc., you'll want those kinds of decisions to be made in context. I'm putting my 4th kid through college (whew!), for each I provided used car and tuition, they paid expenses beyond that. It's worked so far .

 

 

 

My siblings and I watched our parents do the same thing, in their case so they could leave a small estate. We'd much rather they'd have spent the money on themselves but it was a losing battle. I'd guess someday your daughter may feel the same way...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks..

 

 

Her mother and I aren't really on the same page all the time...She seems overly hard on her...I think part of it is that my kid is like a clone of me in practically all ways possible..(I know what y'all are thinking, I'm really not that bad..)

 

 

While I won't tell her this until later in life, unless she royally screws it up, she is set for life..There are stories abound of people losing multi millions, I just don't see her as one of those types moving forward...But I don;t know...It's all in front of her, though ....A golden opportunity..And I worked my ass off to get to this point....

 

I am crazy about her, she is everything to me, and don't want her to ever even have a taste of the same predicament I was in as a kid...I was a pretty good kid and even the smallest of things were always out of reach...So much could have been different in my life, looking back on it...Even though I am proud of my accomplishments, I have had to do everything the friggin' hard way..My life didn't have to be what it turned out to be...I'm completely exhausted....

 

My dad has been gone for a while, and even though he and my mom weren't a match, he let us all down horribly...I just don't ever want that to be me...

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't know if the answer is to give less or keep doing what you're doing. Every child (person) is different. She may be truly grateful for what you give her, she may not be. She might not need a lesson in deprivation.

 

As to her hunger, it is likely that she's not like you, and that's ok too. I see that as "ambition".

 

What would be more concerning to me is if she's learned to do what she needs to do to get what she wants. In other words, not a measure of her ambition, but how does she respond to a roadblock or a major challenge? So far, it sounds like "go see Daddy" but I don't know if that's fair.

 

I was raised in a similar circumstance to you, although not as dire. We didn't have bill collectors banging on the door, but we didn't have a lot of stuff either. In 11th grade, my mother was giving me the business about using her car. I said "f*ck it" and went and got a job, rode my bike there after school and a month later, I had an old beater of a car, in my name. The insurance was next to nothing on it.

 

In college, I barely had any money for fun. So I started selling pot to a small group of people I knew, one pound per week = $150 + ounce in my pocket for a few hours every Sunday.

 

I partied my a$$ off most of college, but because I was able to take the CPA exam in my senior year, I studied for it every day for 4 months, and limited my partying to one night a week.

 

When I graduated, I didn't have the clothes, the car, the other things I needed for a professional job hunt, or a professional job. So I got a construction job and drove there in my beater for four months.

 

When I quit my job to start my own firm, I ran into some collections problems with my very first client and I had to live in my car for a couple months and do my work at the public library and take my showers at the gym (thank God I bought that lifetime membership when I had money!), before I could upgrade to being a roommate, and then a homeowner.

 

In other words, I had/have this thing where I find a way to overcome obstacles. It's been a valuable trait, and I'm grateful for it. I'm pretty sure at least one of my kids has that, and at least a couple don't, or I haven't seen it yet. I often wonder if it is them, or if it is my wife, who is happy to dole out the stuff when I don't. They live a very privileged life and I wonder if that gets in the way of their character.

 

Maybe you should test it somehow, and see how she performs when she really wants something for herself and nobody will give it to her. I'm not sure what that test would look like at 14, but I'm sure you could come up with something. If she has that quality, I think you can give her whatever she wants. If not, you may be a little late out of the starting blocks.

 

 

Thanks...we sound kinda similar...

 

One trait that gives me hope for her, is that she does seem to have far more "street smarts" and resourcefulness than most young girls her age..How that translates into adulthood remains to be seen..

 

As for testing, I like the idea that Amays mentioned....I need to get her to my place of business more often...I think it will be good for her to get a taste of how hard it is to actually get out there and put up with more bullshyt in one day than she sees in a month or more...It would giver her some perspective..Its Testosterone Central, though, and not exactly the best place for a young girl, but I can keep her from that element...

 

Like you, I always found ways to be resourceful...Growing up hard is good in that respect...You become like a feral cat, making your way through life fighting off obstacles every day..I had no interest or experience with investing or the markets, but knew that if I could spend enough time, I could make it work....25 years later and I am proficient enough to earn an income with it...I still flip just about anything I can as well...cars. boats, real estate...If I can make a dollar, im in...Its a nice way to be, as you never really feel trapped...

 

My biggest worry is that she grows up like a lot of the younger people in the area I live in...Its pretty affluent, They are practically useless unless they can lean on their parents...And because most people have means, they just keep feeding into it...One thing I have noticed, is that most of the girls seem to do pretty well, while its the boys that are dropping out of college, sleeping until 1pm, getting stoned, and living in the comfort of their parents wing..The girls just seem more driven...I dunno...

 

Thanks again..

 

TFY