Know what I need to do but can't bring myself to do it

[smoked velveteen]

I've been lurking on this forum for a while now. I've got myself into an awkward situation and I think I know what I need to do to resolve it, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do it.

 

Background: I've been married for 10 years and have worked with a guy who has been married for a similar length of time for around the last 5 years. We have always got on well and he would often pop over to my desk for a chat and a gossip (we don't work in the same office) but it was always very platonic. We didn't socialise together outside of work. He is a bit older than me. Some of my colleagues noticed that he tended to pop in to chat to me quite a lot and teased me that he might have a soft spot for me.

 

Around 2 years ago, I went through a very rough patch with my husband and we almost split up. Out of the blue one day, he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and although he loved me, he wasn't in love with me. We hadn't been intimate for quite a while before this (due to him not wanting to) but it was still a big shock. We talked it through and agreed to stick together for 6 months to see if things improved and we are still together, and probably closer than ever, 2 years later. We get on very well as friends and we do cuddle and hug each other, but are not sexually intimate. He is a very attractive man but I think being rejected by him for so long, has made me feel too vulnerable to try again at rekindling a sexual relationship.

 

Anyway, around a year ago OM (guy I work with) went through a rough time with his wife and found out she was cheating on him. We went out for lunch a couple of times and he told me the full story and I tried to support him as best as I could. I think I could tell that I was starting to fall for him. He isn't my usual type but there was something about his vulnerability and honesty that made me feel something romantically towards him. We went out for drinks one night after work, just the two of us, and I kind of knew it was going to lead to trouble. He got a bit upset telling me about his situation and we ended up holding hands and hugging, nothing more than that, but I felt like we crossed a line. The next day I told him that I cared a lot for him but it couldn't go any further and he was very respectful and accepting of that.

 

We continued talking most days via whatsapp and email. He then met another women and told me about it and it made me feel so jealous and upset. I asked if he wanted to meet up, knowing that I was going to seduce him, and we went for dinner and drinks and ended up kissing and hugging, nothing more than that....

 

Over the next few weeks, he started to distance himself from me. He would take longer to reply to messages and every time I tried to arrange for us to meet up, he would have an excuse. I was really upset and hurt but I kind of accepted it. I thought it was clear that he wanted things to finish, and so I tried to stop messaging him to allow us to naturally drift apart. However he won't drift!!

 

It's now almost a year later and we haven't met up in all that time. We have had a couple of plans to go for a drink but it has always fallen through and he hasn't made any effort to reschedule. He is trying to work things out with his wife which I accept and respect however he won't let me go. I try to stop replying to him but he persists in messaging me. I try to drift, even though I love speaking to him, but he won't drift away. But he also doesn't want to meet up with me.

 

We still speak most days by email/whatsapp, platonic chitchat but he did say once that he missed me.

 

I know that I need to let him go and move on from him. I think I am pretty much in love with him and he is the first person I have truly been in love with. I love my husband dearly and he is my best friend, but we never had the spark that I have with this guy.

 

How do I move on from him when he won't let me drift away? And why does he persist on staying in contact with me when he doesn't want to see me? What is the point? I don't think I am that amusing as a friend. I would have though that he would want me out of his life.

 

The whole situation has got me so confused and I almost feel like I need to be on my own for a while. Although things with my husband have improved a lot lately.

 

Please, someone talk some sense into me. Is this guy just stringing me along in case his attempts at reigniting his marriage don't work? Or does he actually feel something towards me? He has a young child which means it is really understandable that he wants to save his marriage.

 

I just can't get him out of my head. I dream about him, day dream about him and every time I try to forget him he contacts me and starts the craving off again.

[BuddyX]

To answer the second to last paragraph question, yes he's stringing you all the way.

 

Provide more info. Are your still with your husband and do you have kids?

 

One thing I never understood; Rough patch with my husband. You know what's going to solve the problem? Another MM.

 

Another LS member said it best.. "there is a very good chance your attempt is to rationalize your crush by picking apart your marriage, be very careful here."

[somanymistakes]

Another LS member said it best.. "there is a very good chance your attempt is to rationalize your crush by picking apart your marriage, be very careful here."

 

What sense does that make, if her marriage went through its split-apart and resolution into platonic affection before this other situation even began? Assuming that's true, of course.

 

OP - You need to take a look at your marriage. You and your husband are happy, in a sense, in that you still love each other and support each other. That's a good thing. But your needs aren't being met. Maybe his are, I can't tell, some people actually don't have much need for sex and romance and are totally fine with companionship.

 

But you're not completely happy. You feel vulnerable and rejected, and it makes you likely to be open to getting into emotionally dangerous situations because they have some chance of making you feel desirable again.

 

Right now this new MM is not your biggest problem. He's got his own issues and I'll get to that in a minute, but you need to focus on you first.

 

You don't sound like you'll be happy spending the rest of your life in platonic companionship with your husband, and you don't sound hopeful about getting back to the romance phase with him (I'm assuming you tried a lot of things already during the earlier phase when you were trying to work things out). Can you think about what WOULD make you happy? Would you be happy in an open marriage where you could sleep with random people on the side? Would you be happy in a poly situation, where you had your husband and your dedicated boyfriend and the three of you were a family? Would you be happy if you divorced but lived near each other as friends and neighbors, and you were free to date someone new?

 

As for this MM who keeps talking to you but keeping you at arm's length - you are just an egostroke. I don't think he wants to sleep with you, or is even thinking about you as a backup plan for his marriage. I think you're just that little taste of feelgood he likes to take a sip from now and then, to remind himself that someone thinks he's cool. He is not serious about you. Even if you were single and he were single, he wouldn't actually want to be with you. You should probably block him completely. You're not getting anything out of this interaction except more misery and confusion which you do not need.

[oldshirt]

When I was a young child learning how to read, my mom taught me to always finish one book before starting a new one.

 

I think that philosophy really applies here.

 

You are short-changing both your marriage and your relationship with this other dude. you are spinning your wheels and not making any advancements with your H, nor making any headway with any kind of healthy, full-service relationships.

 

Both of these relationships are dysfunctional, unhealthy and unsatisfying. You are stuck between a dysfunctional rock and an unhealthy hard place.

[oldshirt]

 

Around 2 years ago, I went through a very rough patch with my husband and we almost split up. Out of the blue one day, he told me that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and although he loved me, he wasn't in love with me. We hadn't been intimate for quite a while before this (due to him not wanting to) but it was still a big shock. We talked it through and agreed to stick together for 6 months to see if things improved and we are still together, and probably closer than ever, 2 years later. We get on very well as friends and we do cuddle and hug each other, but are not sexually intimate. He is a very attractive man

 

What you are saying here are bright red, glowing red flags flapping in the wind pointing towards him being involved with someone else.

 

Normal, healthy men in healthy relationships with willing women are not satisfied with hugs and cuddles.

 

The phrase, "I love you but not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) is almost always associated with sexual involvement with someone else.

 

What have you done besides asking him have you done to see if he is involved with someone else?? Asking him does not count because he can just say no and then cover his tracks better.

 

Have you hacked his emails, social media, computer history etc etc? Have you checked his phone and compared it to the phone company's call and text logs? Have you gone through credit card and other financial records to see if there are any charges for hotels or jewelry or other gifts or dinners in restaurants etc etc? Have you ever followed him or placed a GPS tracker in his car or his phone? Have you ever placed a voice activated recorder in his car or other locations where he may have private conversations?

 

The chances are very high that he is getting it elsewhere.

 

If you were to find that he was involved with someone else would that be the final nail in the coffin and would you leave?

 

If you were to divorce, you would be free to date and become involved with whatever single man you want and would be able to pursue a healthy, full-service relationship instead of spinning your wheels and chasing your tail between two unhealthy, unsatisfying associations.

[BuddyX]

What you are saying here are bright red, glowing red flags flapping in the wind pointing towards him being involved with someone else.

 

Normal, healthy men in healthy relationships with willing women are not satisfied with hugs and cuddles.

 

The phrase, "I love you but not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) is almost always associated with sexual involvement with someone else.

 

What have you done besides asking him have you done to see if he is involved with someone else?? Asking him does not count because he can just say no and then cover his tracks better.

 

Have you hacked his emails, social media, computer history etc etc? Have you checked his phone and compared it to the phone company's call and text logs? Have you gone through credit card and other financial records to see if there are any charges for hotels or jewelry or other gifts or dinners in restaurants etc etc? Have you ever followed him or placed a GPS tracker in his car or his phone? Have you ever placed a voice activated recorder in his car or other locations where he may have private conversations?

 

The chances are very high that he is getting it elsewhere.

 

If you were to find that he was involved with someone else would that be the final nail in the coffin and would you leave?

 

If you were to divorce, you would be free to date and become involved with whatever single man you want and would be able to pursue a healthy, full-service relationship instead of spinning your wheels and chasing your tail between two unhealthy, unsatisfying associations.

 

Agree. There's also two other explanations; Gay or addicted to porn. But odds are, it's another woman.

 

That being said, does not give you a right to have an affair.

[anyonecandoit]

I totally agree with what somanymistakes said. Your problem is in yourself. You should figure out your own problem first.

 

Besides, if you really want to cut the tie with someone, you can. The only reason that you haven't done that is you don't want to. No excuse.

[freengreen]

He wants to save you for a 'rainy' day.. you do it to things not people.

 

Its unfortunate that you will only know the pain once you have been through. But save yourself the misery and open your eyes before its late. Just stop any contact and live your life, he will get the message sooner or later.

[BlackCherry]

I'm confused as to why you keep saying that he 'won't let you drift' as if you have no control in this situation. You say you chat most days, I doubt he's been sending unanswered messages for months to you now, has he? It continues because you keep engaging him. Every time you reply to a message it stokes this. You know this and must have a reason for actively choosing to continue the relationship... is it because a part of you likes the attention? Likes knowing that he's an option? Ego boost? Only you know.

 

You know full well you could block him on whatsapp, text, social media and tell him you will only have contact about work issues through your work email addresses, but you choose not to. Every day you're messaging him.

 

Stop making weak attempts to claim you're 'trying to drift', woman up and take some decisive action to end this. It's in your hands.

[smoked velveteen]

Thanks for the feedback and input. I am still with my husband and we get on fairly well, apart from the lack of sex life.

 

I do recognise that I need to resolve this situation and I don't feel good about the way I've been acting.

 

I suspect my husband may have been unfaithful around the time that he told me he loved, but wasn't in love with me. There were a few things that didn't add up. However, I asked him and he said he didn't cheat. And I don't want to resort to checking his emails, following him etc, as I don't think that is right.

 

I don't think he is cheating now as I know where he is most of the time and there is nothing which makes me suspicious. I think he may have met someone, doubted our relationship and then chose me over the other women.

 

Anyway, that is one problem of mine. But the one I want to resolve is the situation I'm in with the other guy.

 

When I say I've tried to end things - I've blocked him on whatsapp before and not responded to emails, but then he has either called me on my work phone so i have to answer or come to see me in the office. I'm not good at confrontation or telling people to go away.

 

I think what I might do is send him an email and explain that my feelings for him are too strong and for that reason, I don't want to see him or speak to him anymore. I want to leave him to sort out his marriage and I sort out mine (or leave it, I haven't decided yet). Although our relationship is now 'platonic', I don't feel that it is right as we text each other multiple times a day and in the middle of the night/early morning and I don't have that level of contact with any other friends.

 

I don't know if he feels anything for me anymore or not. But I suppose that is irrelevant. He doesn't open up about his feelings so I have no idea whats going on in his mind. However, the fact that he pursues me when i try to break away and that he texts so often, must mean there is something there. But maybe it's just friendship from his side. From my side, I know I need to move on and get over him as I don't think he can give me what I want.

 

I've have discussed the sex problem with my husband at great length and we have kind of agreed to have an open'ish relationship - he doesn't mind what I do as long as I don't tell him. The OM knows this.

 

I'm aware that I probably sound a bit naive and immature but despite being in my late 30's, I've only ever had three long term relationships.

 

Thanks for the input everyone and for allowing me to vent.

[sandylee1]

I agree that your husband is most likely to be getting sex elsewhere. Barring a medical condition or the other things suggested, it seems odd.

 

If he hadn't said he loves you but.... I'd say it could be a case of low libido.... But 2 years ago, he was pulling away because he didn't want you sexually.

 

Maybe he split up with his OW and that's why he stayed. Who knows. The fact is that with intimacy missing in your marriage, you have a problem.

 

With regards to the OM. Tell him to leave you alone unless it's work related. Tell him if he doesn't respect your request, you will report him for sexual harassment.

 

That'll solve the problem don't you think?