I have absolutely no idea how to get a girlfriend

[Jlistex]

I did apps and online dating in 2016. Went on a dozen or so dates, and managed to get into a 5 month fling that ended in July, but that was only my second ever GF. Anyway I need to take a break from apps and online dating right now so I'm stuck with the old fashioned way.

 

I'm a 30 year old man, 6 ft 2, physically fit, physically attractive, fashionable, gainfully employed in a relatively ambitious job. I'm responsible but also up for pretty much anything. I have a variety of hobbies, interests and talents and I participate in different group activities. I come from a good family and have good values.

 

However I can't seem to find a GF. I've had social anxiety for my entire life. I've been seeing a therapist for a year now and Ive improved quite a bit. I joined an improv comedy group recently to get me out of my comfort zone. Still, flirting feels like an impossibility. Even making friends is rough (I have essentially none in my city).

 

Last night I went to a bar and walked by this pretty girl who made a show of swiveling around on her stool and glancing back at me as I passed. I get that from time to time, and I took it as a sign of interest. But I had no idea what to do. She was with a friend. I was out by myself. How would I walk up to her as a lone stranger and strike up a conversation out of thin air? What would I say?

 

Situations like this would be great opportunities if I could figure out how to approach and what to say, or if I had practice. I'll go to a grocery store, or the mall, or a bookstore and see someone who looks interesting, but I never make a move. I'm not even sure if its ok to approach women in these places.

 

I really would like to pursue a relationship. I feel like I have a lot to offer, but I can't figure out what to do. Is it a matter of courage? Am I just not being brave enough to approach people by myself and fumble through awkward conversations until I get more skilled?

 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be more than welcome.

[smackie9]

You get a drink and go up to them and say "Hi ladies, how is your evening going? BTW my name is_____, and you are?" You make sure you address both of them. "So are you from around here? I'm new to the city, so I'm just checking out someone the night life" (then you make strong eye contact with the one you like and smile). "so what do you both do for a living?" blah blah blah chit chat blah. Pretty easy. Then if they are still looking interested in talking to you, you politely offer to buy them both a drink. Then you wait for the other one to go to the can, and you say "So I know this is a little forward but I would love to take you out for dinner and drinks, would you be inclined to give me your number?" Whatever the out come, you depart gracefully making sure you address them individually by name, "well it was nice meeting you Karen, and you Jessica. Enjoy the rest of your evening''. "Jessica I will give you a call soon" Give her a sly smile and a wink, then you walk away, pretend you are calling someone to meet up, then leave. The trick is to never over stay your welcome...you go in there for a quick chat, a drink, then move in for a number, then depart. BUT always watch for body language...if they are not being friendly and receptive, are looking away, etc....just again tell them it was nice meeting them and to enjoy the rest of their evening. Go hang out at the bar strike up a conversation with the bartender.

 

Pretty basic approach 101.

Edited January 15, 2017 by smackie9

[smackie9]

And yes it's all about confidence. Confidence is number one.

 

The thing is to practice by going up to women that don't intimidate you (uggos). That is where you learn to chat and flirt....you definitely don't have to ask them for their number or anything. Just get some questions rehearsed, try a some flirting skills, maybe get some tip on youtube.

[sid3]

I agree with advice given, except for giving a wink. That's creepy

[OnlyHonesty]

Travel to a new area, go out, get completely lost. Then ask every single girl you see walking by, for directions. Sooner or later you will naturally go from asking directions to talking to them. Don't just ask the ones you find attractive, ask all of them. Ask guys as well, it's good practice.

 

 

The trick is to talk to women and have zero expectations and not to want anything. The reason why getting lost in a new area works is because anything that is faked will come across in your actions.

 

Another thing you should remember is this. Women should also be showing you what they have to offer, it can't be one sided.

[smackie9]

I agree with advice given, except for giving a wink. That's creepy

A confident nod not TOO creepy?

[preraph]

I just want to say I'm proud of you for seeking help for your social anxiety. I know that people with social anxiety are the most resistant to seeking help, so I know you are strong-willed and will make some progress. I think you've actually done quite well having a five-month fling! We are not all lucky enough to find "the one" just when we wish we would. It's a fact of life. Maybe "the one" isn't who you need right now because you're working on yourself. If you found the one, then you'd probably see yourself holing right back up instead of making progress. Not finding her gives you motivation to continue improving yourself. Sometimes life gives us what we need instead of what we want.

 

I have truly found that the universe rewards momentum, and I believe as long as you are putting your best effort forward, you will feel the wind at your back at times to keep you moving. So don't be discouraged. Just try, try, try, and get out of that comfort zone. No one wants to live there with someone. Good luck.

[Jlistex]

Wow thank you guys very much for the encouragement and tips. Very useful. This gives me hope. The main thing I suppose is not to give up. I really am putting myself out there even with this crippling social anxiety, and it's hard and I get discouraged.

 

My main issues are starting a convo, and then keeping it going without faltering, projecting confidence and assurance and relaxation, as well as injecting some personality or more flirtatious undertones. If I can get past these hangups I feel like I should be well off.

[Mjm1014]

Hey man I don't have too much to offer in regards to your question, but I'm a 30 year old guy as well, single, and recently got off the OLD sites/apps. It became very draining and I feel like I don't have much success on there. I don't have any friends in my city either since I was moving the past few years a lot, and did the exact same thing you did last night-hit the bars solo, but couldn't find a way to break the ice with anyone since everyone is in groups. I feel your pain! My only suggestion-join a gym if you haven't. You're 6'2 man, if I was that size I'd be getting jacked to be the biggest you can be, chicks love that, plus tons of hotties there..

 

If you don't mind what city are you in? I've lived in Miami, ft. Lauderdale, Daytona, NYC, Chicago, Houston, St.Louis, and Pittsburgh...if you live any of those areas I can give you pointers where to go out-some places are better solo than others!

[Jlistex]

I workout and pretty much have the body I want. It's more maintenance and fitness now.

 

I live in Cincinnati, know a lot of decent nightlife spots, wish i could find other guys interested in approaching women on weekend nights but its slow going, though I have developed a few leads. It's likely soloing will be my ticket.

[gorf]

 

I've had social anxiety for my entire life.

 

flirting feels like an impossibility.

 

How would I walk up to her as a lone stranger and strike up a conversation out of thin air? What would I say?

 

Social anxiety, hanging out with friends is a great way to help that.. meeting their friends and making new that way if its hard for you to do alone. Nothing wrong there.

 

Flirting: I know how to flirt with women, which mainly boils down to listening to them closely and reacting with giving them undivided attention. But as much as I had been a flirt, funny thing is.. I then met a girl, and really didnt flirt or throw out lame pickup lines to attract her. If I did, must not have been much cause even I cant pinpoint a solid time of heavy flirting. So is it a must, I would say on my personal experience, not necessarily.

 

As far as walking up to someone, whether they are alone or with friends or whatnot, and striking up a convo out of thin air.. you are thinking too far into it. I have said the most stupid things to women over the years and really its not always so much the quality of the icebreaker comment or thing you say, its just the fact that you said something to her and not someone else. Heck, you could walk up to a girl and randomly ask her why cute fuzzy lemmings throw themselves off of cliffs. Just the fact that you gave her attention, enough to bother to talk to her instead of passing by, which told her 'hey, you are a human being and I value you enough to talk to you' is huge to a woman.... or anyone, for that matter. Get where Im coming from?

 

Hope this helps some

[Miss Peach]

Just work on striking up conversations anywhere such as in lines at the grocery store.

 

Instead of bars, I prefer to attend meetups. I tend to meet a lot of new people that way and it's easier than trying to approach a group of women at a bar typically since most people there are wanting to meet, talk, and do things.

 

Pure numbers-wise I do better at OLD but I tend to meet more serious people at meetups for both friendship and dating. My last 3 BFs were from different groups I attend.

Edited January 17, 2017 by Miss Peach

[mightycpa]

I did apps and online dating in 2016. Went on a dozen or so dates, and managed to get into a 5 month fling that ended in July, but that was only my second ever GF. Anyway I need to take a break from apps and online dating right now so I'm stuck with the old fashioned way.

It sounds like you actually DO know how to get a girlfriend. You go out on dates with girls until you find one you like and who likes you. Then you find out if it will last. Most times, it doesn't. You can't get discouraged by that.

I'm a 30 year old man, 6 ft 2, physically fit, physically attractive, fashionable, gainfully employed in a relatively ambitious job. I'm responsible but also up for pretty much anything. I have a variety of hobbies, interests and talents and I participate in different group activities. I come from a good family and have good values.

 

However I can't seem to find a GF. I've had social anxiety for my entire life. I've been seeing a therapist for a year now and Ive improved quite a bit. I joined an improv comedy group recently to get me out of my comfort zone. Still, flirting feels like an impossibility. Even making friends is rough (I have essentially none in my city).

Well, that is job one. Friends will put you into groups of people you can go to events with. Much easier than flying solo.

Last night I went to a bar and walked by this pretty girl who made a show of swiveling around on her stool and glancing back at me as I passed. I get that from time to time, and I took it as a sign of interest. But I had no idea what to do. She was with a friend. I was out by myself. How would I walk up to her as a lone stranger and strike up a conversation out of thin air? What would I say?

Hi! Wow, you look good in that dress (color, blouse, chair, whatever... it doesn't matter). I'm J! What's your name? Who's your friend? Can I buy you guys a drink? What exactly are you afraid of? What do you think the worst response could be? Seriously, what would be the WORST thing they might reasonably say to you? Are you really afraid of that?

Situations like this would be great opportunities if I could figure out how to approach and what to say, or if I had practice. I'll go to a grocery store, or the mall, or a bookstore and see someone who looks interesting, but I never make a move. I'm not even sure if its ok to approach women in these places.

Then do it. It's like basketball or soccer or doing math problems. When you start out, you're going to make mistakes. You'll get feedback. You'll try again and eventually, you'll get better. It's work, just like learning to dribble, or add and subtract.

I really would like to pursue a relationship.

I would counsel you to instead focus on becoming friendly, and then let the relationship be a byproduct of making the right friend.

I feel like I have a lot to offer, but I can't figure out what to do. Is it a matter of courage? Am I just not being brave enough to approach people by myself and fumble through awkward conversations until I get more skilled?

I think so. You should seek out someone in your life for whom this skill seems natural. Hang out with them. Pay attention. Notice that this person, at his or her core, is friendly and gracious, and opens with a friendly observation or a compliment. They make an innocuous statement their introduction. That could be you, with a little practice. Maybe you just need a mentor.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be more than welcome.

There you go - a bucket of pearls. Good luck!

[preraph]

The more hobbies and interests you have, the more naturally it will come talking to people because you may find some common ground.

[gorf]

Ha! Nice. Did you actually use that one once? Back in like 1998, when I was a young guy, I noticed this girl at my work that I was kinda into. One day, she walked by me talking on a cell phone (keep in mind, cell phones were really rare back then) and I asked her how she was talked on a phone with no cord. She looked at me like I was dumb, but she smiled. She told me it was her cell phone, and to prove to me it worked, she let me talk to her cousin, who I met also and was cute as well. Turns out, that girl had also been eyeing me at work, and it didn't matter what I said to her, she responded. We dated for 2 years, and we keep in touch today.

 

The point is, you just need to put yourself out there and talk to people. Even the really dumb stuff you say can at least get a laugh out of a girl, and sometimes that is all you need to get your foot in the door with her.

 

Yeah I did haha. More than once. But the point is, just saying stupid stuff in general is usually a good thing. If it makes you laugh, say it. A girl will laugh at a lame joke, or she wont.. but if you see her more than once, she will probably come back and say hi or something, just to see if you will talk to her more. Its not about what you say, or the quality of a joke or convo, for starters its just about giving a girl attention instead of just walking on by. Nobody likes to be passed by. So even just a "hi" is powerful vs saying nothing.