Early/Mid 30s & Marriage Falling Apart. Do You Think It's Salvagable or Doomed?!?

[lilybuds]

Sorry for the long message (I've been holding it in for a long time!).

 

It's not that he's mean, malicious, or uncaring. He truly loves me. It's just he has difficulty with life, and he has broken my trust with a thousand papercuts (and a couple of giant ones). I've been the "parent" for so long now, all alone with massive surprise financial stresses because of his actions, or not knowing if/when I have a home, or if my family is ok, that I'm disassociating to deal with it all and stand strong. It means that I'm disconnected and can handle emergencies and disasters with surprising grace and care, but it also means I can't really feel happiness anymore. I'm worried that it will develop into fill blown disassociation disorder if I stay with my husband. I'm slowly becoming numb. I don't know if I'm still attracted to him (I know I don't want to be intimate, but like to hug him often). I don't even know if I love or detest my husband. If I don't know, then it means I could nurture the love side to take over, right? I want to make this all work, and for us to be a happy family. But, how do you stay in a relationship when you can't trust your partner, and every time you start giving them trust, they let you down? Marriage councilling and anti-depressants hasn't done a thing.

 

A glimpse into the last five years of our marriage (our late 20s to early 30s):

 

For years he only showers once every week or two, barely brushes his teeth, wears dirty, wrinkled and inappropriate clothing in public. Just pretty much smells, tastes, feels, and looks repugnant. No matter how many different ways I've tried to work with him to help him address these issues, nothing seems to stick. Every time he promised to change, he'd end up breaking this promise.

 

Went to school to become a construction project manager while I supported him. Once he graduated, he obviously needed a job. He didn't do anything. I literally had to figure out which jobs he wanted, write his resume, find the jobs, write the cover letter, submit the application, and inform him about the jobs in case they called. Almost every place called him in for an interview, but he didn't get a single job. = Promised to try to get a job. Didn't even try.

 

He needed to bring in some money because I had been supporting him and our mortgage/bills for years, so he started a company with a buddy. He would update me frequently on how it was going. Money wasn't coming in, but he was working on some big jobs that would take some time to complete and get paid. Well, after two years of bringing in under $8000 a year, I told him we couldn't wait for the big money to come anymore and I wanted him to leave the partnership. I then found out that even with the money owed and all the company assets, the company was running at a loss and we'd actually have to pay money to just leave it! =Promised me that money was coming and things were alright. They weren't. He knew it, and tried to hide it, with personal consequences to me.

 

Sold our house with a clause of redoing the main floor hardwood. Hubby is in the trades so did it himself. The buyers sent a subpeona to him (only his email was on file), suing us for the money to redo the floors. Didn't read his emails so we missed our court date to fight which Kyle said we could win because he did the floors fine.This is after countless conversations I had with him about checking and properly reading his emails, which he promised to do. He later admitted that we were actually in the fault because he screwed up the floors, and just led me along for months thinking we were fine. Cost us $1200.

 

Bought a new house, which my hubby took time off to work fulltime on renovating, while we stayed out of town with relatives. Renos were originally supposed to take 3-4 months, and living out of town meant 4 hours of extra driving a day. I thought "3 months will be hard with a toddler, but I'm tough!". Well, it took over 8 months.

 

He didn't track time and costs in excel, like he promised, leading to things being totally off schedule and budget (by tens of thousands of dollars), with no way for me to be sure what to expect. Can you imagine not knowing when you could actually live in your own house, or if you could afford to finish the renos to even move in? I spent hours trying to lead discussions to figure out basic budgets and timeframes moving forward, but it was like pulling teeth. It was like we were hemorrhaging money, and no one could tell me how much, why, or when it would stop.

 

I finally set two weeks off of work, and told him we're moving in during this time, done or not. We moved in. I applied for a job for him, which he started shortly after we moved in. He then wasn't able to handle anything more than work and sleep.That was 8 months ago, and the remaining renos still haven't been touched. I went 6 months without being able to have a shower because of a couple of tiles still being missing from the shower wall (don't worry, I bathed). I couldn't do it myself because I couldn't find the tiles and my hubby kept on promising to do it "next weekend". Piles of construction materials are laying around our lawn. There's still no door on the bathroom. I can't afford to hire someone to do it, so will most likely need to take my vacation time to finish myself (although my husband thinks I'm incompetent at renos).

 

I had to go out of country on business trip during halloween, and was upset that I was going to miss my son's first trick or treating. Husband promised to send photos that night so I could at least see my son. He didn't. He also didn't respond to my calls or text message for 4 days, so I had no idea if he was even alive. Everything was great when I left home so I started to panic about why he was MIA. When I got back, he said he simply "forgot".

 

Just in the last 3 months he finally started taking anti-depressants, but things are getting worse between us. He's messed twice with my son's health and safety, and racked up over $10,000 in unexpected costs (which is really tough over the christmas holidays):

 

Didn't give our child his medication he needed (I had to take this off his responsibilities).

 

Hid that he forgot to pay an invoice to the electrician last year, so we owed $2500. Let me think we could still afford to buy new couches even when we couldn't in light of this. We actually went couch shopping.

 

Last year, he told me that we had needed to dig up our whole front lawn, 8 ft deep, because someone that works at our municipal engineering department kept giving him the wrong info. So, I collected the info to claim the money back ($7500). This is when I discovered that my husband simply didn't completely read his emails from the city engineer, meaning it was a $7500 mistake of unnecessarily having someone dig up our entire front lawn. When I found out the error on my own, I didn't yell, but explained how I was upset because of broken trust and communications between us. He got upset with me because I wasn't thinking about how he must be feeling about himself making the error.

 

He promised to sell his truck last autumn, which is costing us a small fortune. It's now the winter, he still has it, and his back window is now broken which will now cost $800 to fix. He's been driving around with this broken window duct taped together for a month, and had our toddler son's car seat directly under the broken area for a week until I told him he had to move the seat.

 

Then there's been hundreds of small things that he does that negatively impact me:

 

Lost his interac card so borrowed mine. Lost mine.

 

Broke his phone. Borrowed mine until he could get a replacement. Never gave mine back after two months so I went and got another one for me.

 

Lost his driver's license. Didn't get it replaced for months and piled up $300 of tickets for not having it.

 

Broke promise to stay shaved for two weeks that the marriage councilor suggested as a trust test/ trust building exercise.

 

He promised to quit smoking with me, but walks around with a pack of cigarettes in his pocket.

 

When switching mobile providers, forgot to cancel his account with the old one (which I was there when he was told he had to do). I ended up having to pay for months of his old, inactive account totalling over $300.

 

Hides disgusting dirty dished under his side of the bed, which stinks up my bedroom.

 

Forgot to get me anything or plan anything for every birthday for nine years. This year, after I made it obvious how upset I was about it all these years, he brought me out for a nice dinner and got a gift. 1 out of 10 is better than 0 out of 10, right? Every year I've hosted a nice birthday party for him and gotten him a nice gift.

 

Whenever any of these issues happen, my husband genuinely feels bad and guilty. He falls quiet and upset, which makes me feel bad for him and try to work with him to fix the problem. When I talk to him about how I feel or am hurt, he shuts down and can't handle it, and sits there in silence looking at the ground. He says it's all him. I know it's never all one person's fault in a relationship. But, I can't change him, and if he doesn't change himself is it really bad enough to end a marriage, leaving us both alone and my son without a warm, family home?

[Fdb]

I suggest you make a list about reasons to leave and reasons to stay. Then you may see your choice more clearly.

[benpom]

Divorce is getting rid of problems while also getting rid of benefits.

 

Remarriage is trading off one set of problems for another.

 

Sounds like all your problems could be solved with money. My recommendation is: 1. seriously evaluate career choices for him and for you. See if there is a way you guys can improve your financial situation dramatically in reasonable amount of time. 2. As for housework, hire someone to help when it becomes financially affordable. 3. Tell him you are close to the breaking point. This might motivate him to finally be serious about career choice.

 

Divorce is going to shake off a few years of your financial savings. If you can instead invest this into career boost, it's well worth it.

[basil67]

Your marriage simply is not salvagable. He's shown you again and again and again that he is simply unwilling to do what it takes to be a good husband and father. I would say that he actually IS uncaring. If he cared, he'd make an effort.

 

Tell me, why are you still with him? Is it out of pity?

[basil67]

Sounds like all your problems could be solved with money.

 

How will money get him to brush his teeth, shave and shower? Will money put his clothes in the wash basket? Will money read his emails and sell his truck? Will money make sure that the child gets accurately medicated? Will money make sure he gets and keeps a job? Will money stop him from lying? Will money stop him from putting his child under a leaky window in the truck?

 

Sure, the OP could tell him to go get a job. But he's not going to do it. By the sound of him, he wouldn't even get past an interview.

[losangelena]

Do you really want to spend more of your life with a non-communicative, irresponsible, uncaring, unmotivated person who habitually puts his family in financial and physical peril?

 

The ONLY thing I think that will MAYBE help him change is you taking a step back and not rescuing him when something goes wrong. He's acted like this for 10 years because you've never made him feel the brunt of his bad decision-making. Next time ish hits the fan, don't protect him—have him take responsibility for whatever it is.

 

I wouldn't have patience for someone who continually shuts down when confronted. That is the worst way to argue, to work through problems. That alone would be a deal-breaker for me. He's not participating in this relationship, so why are you laboring so hard to do it for the both of you?

[road]

File for divorce. It may wake him up to face reality. It may not but then

you will be rid of him for he is not husband nor dad material.

[Downtown]

Lily, as I noted elsewhere, you're describing the classic warning signs for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Adults with ADHD typically have trouble managing time, being organized, setting goals, and holding down a job. Some people with ADHD only have problems with one of the behaviors, while others have both inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity.

 

The issues you describe here are those of inattention, not hyperactivity (but you also describe some impulse issues with spending). You therefore seem to be describing red flags for ADHD with "Predominantly Inattentive Presentation." ADHD is described at NIMH and at WebMD. I therefore suggest that he see a psychiatrist to be evaluated.

 

If it is determined that ADHD is the problem, I suggest you give him an opportunity to improve his own functioning and then decide whether that improvement is sufficient for you to remain married to him. ADHD can be treated with medication (both stimulants and non-stimulants) and therapy (e.g., CBT). While there is no cure for ADHD, currently available treatments can help reduce symptoms and improve functioning.

[BlackCherry]

Oh my lord!

 

Look, I know that there's always two sides to every story and people sometimes exaggerate, but unless you're wildly lying, even if only 25% of what you've written here were true, I have no idea how you're even still married to this guy. I do not know anyone this incredibly inept, who cares so little about improving! The hygiene issue, oh my god. How can someone be in an intimate relationship and expect their partner to kiss, make love or even SIT NEXT TO them when they don't shower or bathe for weeks? Not even brushing his teeth, what? I know four year olds with better life skills and standards than this guy.

 

You can't trust him, whether with your child's health or your financial security. Every day of your marriage will be you riddled with anxiety not knowing what you can believe and what is just an outright lie.

 

Was he like this before you married? Why did you marry him? My guess is as a boyfriend, younger, it was kinda cute and charming. But as he's gotten older and is now a husband and father, with someone picking up the pieces behind him, his fecklessness has got worse and is now less tolerable.

 

Sorry girl. You could do a way better job of your life as a single mom from what I'm hearing. I'd rather go it alone than spend another hour with someone like this. Whatever his good points are, the bad ones are so catastrophic I am unsure how you think there's any chance of living a normal happy secure life with him. Y your side. I'm speechless.