giving the ultimatum

[carolloo]

I am 37 and have been dating paul for 1 1/2 years. all along i have said that i don't want to date forever or if neither of us thought this would lead to marriage we should end it. we have had a wonderful mostly trouble free time dating.

 

I gave him a deadline to tell me his decision(this wasn't the first time he had heard of this). When the deadline came all he could say was "i don't know" "i need some time to think about it" . I told him i interpretted this as "no" and broke it off.

 

he has asked for three weeks of being alone anfd take time off, he said he needs time to grieve(his dad passed away in our first month of dating his dad passed away over 1yr 4 months now, we don't spend every moment together)I didn't think 3 weeks would give him the answer, that he really knew his answer but was afraid to admit it. He insisted this wasn't the case. What should I do? Do you think he knows and just won't fess up? I can only think of the worst but I guess deep down I am hoping for the best and that this will work out. any thoughts or suggestions?

[Tony T]

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but if I've been in a trouble-free dating environment with somebody for 1 1/2 years and they are not yet sure if I'm the one, I think I'm out the door.

 

I really don't want somebody in my life who has to think long and hard at that point in our relationship. I don't want somebody that indecisive.

 

Nobody likes ultimatums. Just move on and forget the dude. He's got problems you aren't even aware of. You gave him a deadline...now stick to your guns. One of you has to be decisive here. I also don't think you can have great admiration for a guy who doesn't know his mind well and/or can't communicate his feelings.

 

(I know that's not what you wanted to hear. I'm sure you don't relish getting back into the dating market. But give this a lot of thought. You're a lot better off ALONE than with somebody who's not sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, I guarantee!)

[pipman1]

I am 37 and have been dating paul for 1 1/2 years. all along i have said that i don't want to date forever or if neither of us thought this would lead to marriage we should end it. we have had a wonderful mostly trouble free time dating.

 

I gave him a deadline to tell me his decision(this wasn't the first time he had heard of this). When the deadline came all he could say was "i don't know" "i need some time to think about it" . I told him i interpretted this as "no" and broke it off. he has asked for three weeks of being alone anfd take time off, he said he needs time to grieve(his dad passed away in our first month of dating his dad passed away over 1yr 4 months now, we don't spend every moment together)I didn't think 3 weeks would give him the answer, that he really knew his answer but was afraid to admit it. He insisted this wasn't the case. What should I do? Do you think he knows and just won't fess up? I can only think of the worst but I guess deep down I am hoping for the best and that this will work out. any thoughts or suggestions?

[WGirl]

From what I know, ultimatums don't work. If you try and corner someone to get them to do what you want them to, it backfires on you. Even if he does cave in, is he going to back out later or resent you for it? What would you be gaining by getting married? I would say as long as you are happy in the relationship and the two of you love each other and are loyal to each other, let it go for a while. Love doesn't come along every day. Is it worth taking the all or nothing risk? It is your decision and if your goals

 

are different from his, maybe it is time to move on. Give it some thought.

I am 37 and have been dating paul for 1 1/2 years. all along i have said that i don't want to date forever or if neither of us thought this would lead to marriage we should end it. we have had a wonderful mostly trouble free time dating.

 

I gave him a deadline to tell me his decision(this wasn't the first time he had heard of this). When the deadline came all he could say was "i don't know" "i need some time to think about it" . I told him i interpretted this as "no" and broke it off. he has asked for three weeks of being alone anfd take time off, he said he needs time to grieve(his dad passed away in our first month of dating his dad passed away over 1yr 4 months now, we don't spend every moment together)I didn't think 3 weeks would give him the answer, that he really knew his answer but was afraid to admit it. He insisted this wasn't the case. What should I do? Do you think he knows and just won't fess up? I can only think of the worst but I guess deep down I am hoping for the best and that this will work out. any thoughts or suggestions?