Boyfriend cheated will it be possible to get over it?

[Chezza]

My boyfriend is not the type to cheat at all and hates the idea of it. We have been together 3 years and own a house together. He lost his job and put on a lot of weight whereas I was working 80 hours a week. Me rarely had sex anymore and never talked about it. He went on a night out with his single friends and ended up back at his friends house with his friend and 3 girls. 2 of his friends ended up in the other bedrooms with 2 of the girls and my boyfriend stayed to talk to this girl as she was on her own apparently in the living room. They were very drunk and I remember he was when he got home. Basically was he was talking the girl started to undo his belt and he then helped take off his clothes and she jumped on after about 30 secs he realised what he was doing and stopped it and left. The girl has also backed this up after being tricked into it and initially telling lies about Stis. I have decided to give him another chance. I know he loves me and strangely I do trust him because of how guilty and terrible he feels he's so ashamed he's a cheat! My main issue is I can't get over the fact he did it in the first place. I just keep thinking hothis will always be hanging over us. How can I spend my life with a cheat. Will all arguments come back to that? It's only been 2 weeks since I found out but I am struggling to deal with it. I think it's because I never in a. Million years thought he'd cheat.

 

Just wondering if anyone has any advise how to deal with this?

Edited January 16, 2017 by Chezza
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[l8estnews]

I am a person who HATES cheating. That's the reason why I was never in a relationship.

 

But.

 

Cheating is never black and white, and based on your description, he was drunk and still was able to stop what was happening and so very remorseful of what happened. For me, the fact there was an act doesn't matter. What matters is your BF did not want what happened, told you about it and is very remorseful. And he also stopped the act before it happened.

 

For me, reprimand your BF to never be in that kind of situation but honestly, I don't see him a cheat at all. He's the opposite, actually.

[PegNosePete]

My boyfriend is not the type to cheat at all and hates the idea of it.

Well, sorry to say your experience says otherwise. Why begin your story like this, after your thread topic says he clearly DID cheat? Which is it, is he a cheater or isn't he?

 

about 30 secs he realised what he was doing and stopped it

Really is this what he told you? And you believed that line? He didn't know what he was doing until 30 seconds AFTER she "helped take off his clothes and jumped on"??? How could he possibly NOT REALISE what was going on? Was he unconscious or something? No, believe me, he knew EXACTLY what was going on. But he's trying to minimise what he did, make himself seem like the victim, make it anyone's fault except his own. In short, he is not accepting responsibility for his actions.

 

I have decided to give him another chance. I know he loves me and strangely I do trust him

Seriously, you have rocks in your head if you give him another chance. He isn't even accepting responsibility properly.

 

Cheating with no kids = IMMEDIATE dump!

 

And he also stopped the act before it happened.

Uh, OP said she took off his pants and "jumped on". I think you and I have very different definitions of "before it happened"! To me it very much appears that he did NOT stop it before it happened, in fact he accepted and encouraged it all the way.

Edited January 16, 2017 by PegNosePete

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I know you are very hurt, but you need a serious wake-up call.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't hate cheating that much, and he is the cheating type now - his actions just proved it.

 

Cheaters generally give their partners a watered-down version of the truth. What you are hearing is probably not the most accurate version of events. He realized what was happening when he was being undressed but he chose not to stop her. He went along with it. He didn't stop the act before it happened; his own version of events contradicts that! She apparently hopped on "for 30 seconds", so it is a complete lie that he stopped her first.

 

The truth is that you very likely won't be able to get over it. Based on experience, it will come back to haunt you again and again. The trust is now very damaged and the relationship won't return to the way it was. Some betrayed partners forgive and decide to stay, but that doesn't mean all is well and everyone is over it. You need to ask him some hard questions, such as what he told himself as he was flirting, being undressed and having intercourse with a woman who is not you. How did he give himself permission to do it? If he continues to minimize it by essentially blaming alcohol and the girl, it could very well happen again. He's not taking much responsibility here, which is a bad sign.

 

In my opinion, you would be very foolish to stay. You should not trust him; he demonstrated that you can't. What happens the next time he is really drunk? He just took a huge proverbial dump all over you and your relationship. I fail to see where the love is in that. As Pete pointed out, you don't have children together, you're not married. This one should be a dealbreaker.

[Chezza]

Yeah I mean these things have all gone through my head. He has completely accepted responsibility for it feel I didn't quite put that across properly he hates himself and completely blames himself for what happened. He doesn't know why he didn't initially stop it. We weren't at the best place at the time and I guess getting attention from anyone when he felt worthless overpowered him.

He hugely regrets everything and hasn't even been on a night out or drank alcohol since.

I know the story of what happens is likely to be true as the girl who initially tried to stir it admitted it after I basically said his friend had seen what happened. Also seen texts to his friend saying how bad he felt and how he can't believe he could ever have done this and cheated and his friend saying it only just went in and you stopped wasn't even cheating, my boyfriend goes on to say it was cheating to him he can't live with himself knowing this, how he never thought he was capable of it. He says at the time all he was thinking was sex and getting excited then he went omg what am I doing and pushed her off in his mind. He can't believe himself he didn't initially and is disgusted with himself. He says he never flirted in the slightest and didn't even talk to her until the others were in the bedroom and he was like your friends just going to leave you here how awkward and he felt sorry for her which is something he'd do, he didn't think of sex until it started according to him which I'm not sure I believe.

 

By saying he's not the type to cheat I mean I'd never have expected it neither would our friends family anyone, no one can believe it and thinks there's more to it than the fact he's just gone out to cheat.

 

I mean we didn't see each other much with me working constantly and I just wanted to sleep when I was home, I knew he felt worthless for the first time in his life he had no job, put on loads of weight and in his mind I guess he felt I didn't want him anymore since we never had sex. I feel it happened because he felt worthless and someone wanted him for once.

 

I know how pathetic and guillable I sound and if I was an outsider I'd agree but knowing the person he is its a lot harder, he is the kind of person who would do anything for anyone. Since this has happened he's done anything to try to make it work. I just keep thinking I'm being an idiot thinking tris could work!

[road]

OP, I know you are very hurt, but you need a serious wake-up call.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't hate cheating that much, and he is the cheating type now - his actions just proved it.

 

Cheaters generally give their partners a watered-down version of the truth. What you are hearing is probably not the most accurate version of events. He realized what was happening when he was being undressed but he chose not to stop her. He went along with it. He didn't stop the act before it happened; his own version of events contradicts that! She apparently hopped on "for 30 seconds", so it is a complete lie that he stopped her first.

 

The truth is that you very likely won't be able to get over it. Based on experience, it will come back to haunt you again and again. The trust is now very damaged and the relationship won't return to the way it was. Some betrayed partners forgive and decide to stay, but that doesn't mean all is well and everyone is over it. You need to ask him some hard questions, such as what he told himself as he was flirting, being undressed and having intercourse with a woman who is not you. How did he give himself permission to do it? If he continues to minimize it by essentially blaming alcohol and the girl, it could very well happen again. He's not taking much responsibility here, which is a bad sign.

 

In my opinion, you would be very foolish to stay. You should not trust him; he demonstrated that you can't. What happens the next time he is really drunk? He just took a huge proverbial dump all over you and your relationship. I fail to see where the love is in that. As Pete pointed out, you don't have children together, you're not married. This one should be a dealbreaker.

 

So much truth. He knew that he was acting single. He knew that he left the bar paired up with a woman. He knew he could use the I was too drunk excuse while not being to drunk to stop himself until his tool had a test fit.

 

 

The yout's of America make me shake my head.

 

 

Living together sounds so nice. So much nicer then shacking up. That is why the shacker's prefer the more PC way of saying living together.

 

 

Shackin................ err I mean living together is nothing more than to be dating full time, AKA twenty four hours seven days a week three hundred sixty five days a year. Just so they can have sex whenever wherever however.

 

 

Unlimited access to sex is not how to build a relationship. There is no relationship for there is no real commitment. With no real commitment there should be no real financial commitments as buying a house together. Or any other financial entanglements.

 

 

Yet countless yout's are shacking up these days, buying houses, getting pregnant, all without a real commitment. Dating full time AKA as Shacking UP AKA Living together. It seems that today's yout's are making bad decisions they are either bad spellers, or as too lazy to commit or too lazy to use complete phrases for the always leave off the "in sin" after the "living together".

 

 

Oh, by the way OP dump this loser, sell the house, and tell him it was not nice knowing you. Hope you have learned from this so there are no more repeats.

[Chezza]

He wouldn't have seen it as leaving the bar paired up I know that to him it was an after party with drinking games. He just honestly isn't that type.

He blames himself has said he'd leave and I could keep everything in the house that's not an issue he wants to be punished.

He sacrificed his job and has moved away from his family to make a life with me not that he'd ever say it like that, I Know he loves me. I mean when I'm off work he never goes out with his friends as he'd rather spend it with me.

My first instinct was to get rid of him for this but I feel like we have something that we can't just give up on, he's trying to do anything to be with me now and we're actually talking about stuff rather than feeling like crap and pretending everything is alright like before.

[PegNosePete]

He went on a night out with his single friends and ended up back at his friends house with his friend and 3 girls. 2 of his friends ended up in the other bedrooms with 2 of the girls and my boyfriend stayed to talk to this girl as she was on her own apparently in the living room.

Sorry but your story has more holes than Swiss cheese.

 

Firstly, no guy who loves his girlfriend would put themselves in that position in the first place. He was out with his single friends and ended up back at theirs with 3 girls? That sort of situation doesn't just happen. He chose to go back to his friend's place with those girls. A faithful guy who "would never cheat", simply would not do that in the first place.

 

Secondly, so 2 of his friends went to a BEDROOM with 2 of the girls. It's pretty clear what they had in mind. Do you really think that the other girl, or your BF, had something different in mind? This was totally premeditated. His 30 second "wake up call" is clearly BS. He was thinking about this for a LONG time beforehand.

 

Thirdly was he really all that drunk? He's presumably been quite a while since they left the bar at this point. The excuse of being too drunk to control himself or whatever, gets less and less likely the more time has passed since he stopped drinking. And if he carried on drinking at the house, well that just exacerbates the other points above, that these actions are NOT those of a guy with a GF. They are the actions of a guy who is planning to have sex with one of these women.

 

So then she just started taking his trousers off. Really? Do you know ANY girl who would just do that to some guy? The only way any girl would do that is if they have been building up sexual tension and flirting for quite a long time. He had clearly been giving her signals all night, had been working his charms, had been flirting and chatting her up. This is NOT a 30-second "OMG what am I doing" situation. It was totally planned and premeditated.

 

You really need to stop believing what he is saying because it STINKS of cow poo.

[road]

He wouldn't have seen it as leaving the bar paired up I know that to him it was an after party with drinking games. He just honestly isn't that type.

 

Baloney, as a man when out in a mixed group and there is drinking the man's brain does and automatic head count to see if there is any chance of getting paired up.

 

 

As they leave the bar he observes to see if there are any women left unpaired. If a man has no intentions to mess around if the group takes a left turn out of the bar he goes to the right. He places himself out of temptation, he sends the signal to the bee-itches who may fancy him the signal I am not interested, not available, not cheating. In short a man puts himself out of harms way.

 

 

Your man did not. Your problem is you are trying to believe his baloney. Because then you can save the relationship. So your plan is if you can get people to agree to believe your delusional thoughts then you can rug sweep his cheating.

[road]

Sorry but your story has more holes than Swiss cheese.

 

Firstly, no guy who loves his girlfriend would put themselves in that position in the first place. He was out with his single friends and ended up back at theirs with 3 girls? That sort of situation doesn't just happen. He chose to go back to his friend's place with those girls. A faithful guy who "would never cheat", simply would not do that in the first place.

 

Secondly, so 2 of his friends went to a BEDROOM with 2 of the girls. It's pretty clear what they had in mind. Do you really think that the other girl, or your BF, had something different in mind? This was totally premeditated. His 30 second "wake up call" is clearly BS. He was thinking about this for a LONG time beforehand.

 

Thirdly was he really all that drunk? He's presumably been quite a while since they left the bar at this point. The excuse of being too drunk to control himself or whatever, gets less and less likely the more time has passed since he stopped drinking. And if he carried on drinking at the house, well that just exacerbates the other points above, that these actions are NOT those of a guy with a GF. They are the actions of a guy who is planning to have sex with one of these women.

 

So then she just started taking his trousers off. Really? Do you know ANY girl who would just do that to some guy? The only way any girl would do that is if they have been building up sexual tension and flirting for quite a long time. He had clearly been giving her signals all night, had been working his charms, had been flirting and chatting her up. This is NOT a 30-second "OMG what am I doing" situation. It was totally planned and premeditated.

 

You really need to stop believing what he is saying because it STINKS of cow poo.

 

I did not read this post till after I just made my last post.

 

 

What can I say: great minds think alike.

[mikeylo]

Since you've justified everything in your head then why the question? Just keep living the way you have been, like nothing happened. Duh

[stillafool]

Yeah I mean these things have all gone through my head. He has completely accepted responsibility for it feel I didn't quite put that across properly he hates himself and completely blames himself for what happened. He doesn't know why he didn't initially stop it. We weren't at the best place at the time and I guess getting attention from anyone when he felt worthless overpowered him.

He hugely regrets everything and hasn't even been on a night out or drank alcohol since.

I know the story of what happens is likely to be true as the girl who initially tried to stir it admitted it after I basically said his friend had seen what happened. Also seen texts to his friend saying how bad he felt and how he can't believe he could ever have done this and cheated and his friend saying it only just went in and you stopped wasn't even cheating, my boyfriend goes on to say it was cheating to him he can't live with himself knowing this, how he never thought he was capable of it. He says at the time all he was thinking was sex and getting excited then he went omg what am I doing and pushed her off in his mind. He can't believe himself he didn't initially and is disgusted with himself. He says he never flirted in the slightest and didn't even talk to her until the others were in the bedroom and he was like your friends just going to leave you here how awkward and he felt sorry for her which is something he'd do, he didn't think of sex until it started according to him which I'm not sure I believe.

 

By saying he's not the type to cheat I mean I'd never have expected it neither would our friends family anyone, no one can believe it and thinks there's more to it than the fact he's just gone out to cheat.

 

I mean we didn't see each other much with me working constantly and I just wanted to sleep when I was home, I knew he felt worthless for the first time in his life he had no job, put on loads of weight and in his mind I guess he felt I didn't want him anymore since we never had sex. I feel it happened because he felt worthless and someone wanted him for once.

 

I know how pathetic and guillable I sound and if I was an outsider I'd agree but knowing the person he is its a lot harder, he is the kind of person who would do anything for anyone. Since this has happened he's done anything to try to make it work. I just keep thinking I'm being an idiot thinking tris could work!

 

If you have pretty much made it up in your mind that this was a one time mistake he made and you're determined to defend him, why do you need this forum?

[VeveCakes]

My boyfriend is not the type to cheat at all

 

Yes he is, and he did. Alcohol is no excuse, I suspect that story is not all true either.

[KatZee]

The relationship is irreparably broken and will never be the same (even if you don't see it yet).

 

One of my ex's cheated on me. He, too, "wasn't the type." He confessed crying and was so ashamed. He had been really drunk.

 

I decided to stay and give him another chance.

 

The roller coaster of that relationship never stopped. Emotions were nuts. Numb. Furious. Devastated. Depressed. OK. Angry. Sort of happy. Sobbing.

 

The respect I had for him was gone. I tried, but there was no getting it back.

 

Cheating is never a mistake, it is ALWAYS a choice. Drunk or not. It shows his lack of integrity on how he decided to handle problems in your relationship. Instead of talking to you, communicating hurt feelings he went out and made a choice to find himself alone with women who weren't you, alone with a woman who he chose to let unbutton his pants, and he chose to have sex with her.

 

You're going to have to learn for yourself, honestly. You probably won't leave based on what internet strangers say, but you'll probably wind up where I wound up.

 

With a dude who cheated, who swore up and down he'd never cheat again, and who DID cheat again.

 

Take a cheater back and now all of a sudden their guilt is absolved. They can't possibly be as bad as they think they are if their girlfriend remains with them! Makes cheating the next time even easier.

 

I wouldn't even waste my time, sorry.

 

Cheaters are liars as well. You can't trust a thing they say. I guarantee you don't know the full extent of anything but is just telling you bare minimum.

Edited January 16, 2017 by KatZee

[Empyrea]

I don't think it's entirely fair what people are saying here.. Sure, it's fine to have a zero tolerance towards cheating, but not everything is always black and white. Not every instance of cheating is immediately the result of malicious, premeditated deceit. I mean, you know your boyfriend, we don't. If you really believe his version of events then I'm sure you have reason to. Whether or not that makes it acceptable or forgivable and whether or not you will be able to work your way through this, is another matter entirely. I can imagine that if it were my boyfriend and even if I believed everything he said, I'd still look at him differently and something between us would be broken.. But maybe you can make it work, only time will tell. Good luck!

Edited January 16, 2017 by Empyrea

[Space Ritual]

My boyfriend is not the type to cheat at all and hates the idea of it. We have been together 3 years and own a house together. He lost his job and put on a lot of weight whereas I was working 80 hours a week. Me rarely had sex anymore and never talked about it. He went on a night out with his single friends and ended up back at his friends house with his friend and 3 girls. 2 of his friends ended up in the other bedrooms with 2 of the girls and my boyfriend stayed to talk to this girl as she was on her own apparently in the living room. They were very drunk and I remember he was when he got home. Basically was he was talking the girl started to undo his belt and he then helped take off his clothes and she jumped on after about 30 secs he realised what he was doing and stopped it and left. The girl has also backed this up after being tricked into it and initially telling lies about Stis. I have decided to give him another chance. I know he loves me and strangely I do trust him because of how guilty and terrible he feels he's so ashamed he's a cheat! My main issue is I can't get over the fact he did it in the first place. I just keep thinking hothis will always be hanging over us. How can I spend my life with a cheat. Will all arguments come back to that? It's only been 2 weeks since I found out but I am struggling to deal with it. I think it's because I never in a. Million years thought he'd cheat.

 

Just wondering if anyone has any advise how to deal with this?

 

 

I have bit of advise.

 

Get rid of him.

 

Look at your post. You are not only putting too much blame on the other girl, you basically are justifying his cheating in your first sentences.

 

Stop it.

 

Nobody put a gun to his head, and alcohol is no damned excuse. IF he remembered it happening he could have stopped it.

 

You need to get rid of him. The next time he puts on a few pounds and needs to feel validated he will do it again.

 

The fact of the matter is you don't know for a fact he won't cheat again...in fact you didn't really know him at all until he showed you who he was,.

 

Get your head out of the sand and get rid of him or you'll be sorry.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, if he claims not to know why this happened, then who's to say it won't happen again? If he can't identify the reason and problem behind it, then he can't fix said problem.

 

You say you two had stopped having sex. Why is that? He apparently still wants it. Are you bored in the relationship? Being busy is one thing, but when intimacy dies too, it's another story.

 

I'm sorry this has happened, but you just learned what your boyfriend is capable of.

[road]

I don't think it's entirely fair what people are saying here.. Sure, it's fine to have a zero tolerance towards cheating, but not everything is always black and white. Not every instance of cheating is immediately the result of malicious, premeditated deceit. I mean, you know your boyfriend, we don't. If you really believe his version of events then I'm sure you have reason to. Whether or not that makes it acceptable or forgivable and whether or not you will be able to work your way through this, is another matter entirely. I can imagine that if it were my boyfriend and even if I believed everything he said, I'd still look at him differently and something between us would be broken.. But maybe you can make it work, only time will tell. Good luck!

 

 

 

I do think for I have seen too many people get cheated on while dating, forgive, get married to the cheater only to have the cheater cheat on them again.

 

 

This is the time to dump her BF.

 

 

Now the longer that people have been married then add in kids, and other things then motivation to recover the marriage maybe found. The OP ain't even married yet.

[Simple Logic]

I haven't read every post in this thread, but it seems to me that your BF's remorse is genuine and he is taking actions to re-earn your trust. If you are able to forgive him, I would give him another chance.

.

[gaius]

He feels worthless because he is worthless Chezza. Not because of anything you did. Fat, unemployed, no sex, spending his allowance on drinking games loser.

 

It's amazing what he did for you, making that sacrifice, but things change. He's devolved into an unhappy wretch and unless he pulls himself together he's not going to change. He's going to keep acting out like the worthless wretch that he is. Punishing you for humiliating him by being the successful one in the relationship. Which is what having sex with her for 30 seconds really was. An F U to you.

 

If you allow yourself to take the blame for him you won't be able to do what's required, which is give him the ultimatum to shape up or ship out. Find work, lose the weight and stop with the nonsense. You should also probably get him to take his name off the house as a condition of staying so that when he inevitably messes up again you don't have to deal with the headache of getting rid of a guy you co-own your home with.

[lucky-girl]

I suspect quite a few of the people reading forums about cheating have been cheated on, which is naturally going to colour their view. Of course plenty of people who haven't had the experience also see it as black and white and make blanket statements. No one on here can really know your situation and I don't think you should listen to any responses that aren't really listening to and believing what you are saying.

 

Cheating is never a mistake, it is ALWAYS a choice

 

While everything we do pretty much is a choice, we all make dumb choices sometimes. If you're lucky you only make dumb choices about little stuff. Of course cheating is a mistake. (What a weird thing to say ) Making a mistake - even a big ****-up mistake doesn't make him a bad person, and it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he will do it again. It sounds like he is truly remorseful and will probably learn from this mistake.

I think the only way you can know if you can work it out is to give it a go and give it time. It's not like you have to decide right now. Take the time to examine all the good and bad in your relationship, and listen to your heart not strangers on a forum (except me of course )

 

One last thing to consider: I've never been cheated on so I don't know personally how it feels but I understand going forward trust is a big issue. Will you be able to trust him to not do it again?

On the other hand, especially given you never thought he would, will you ever really trust any guy to not cheat on you?

Who would you trust more - the guy that started to cheat but stopped mid-sex (quite a feat I'd imagine) and was remorseful or the untested guy?

[lucky-girl]

Good luck whatever you decide

Edited February 13, 2017 by lucky-girl
posted twice by mistake

[inigele14u]

Your boyfriend did not cheat. He was raped.

[d0nnivain]

If your BF said he was sitting on the couch & this girl leaned over & kissed him, I could get past that. Even if he said she grabbed him or rubbed his thigh & he immediately stopped it, I could get past it. Somebody gets ambushed, that's not really their fault although there is a lot to be said for not being in a situation (alone, in the dark after drinking) which would lead the ambusher to think the move would be welcome.

 

 

But this story -- unzipping him & her hopping on -- the implausibility of that alone would make me assume that my BF must think I am an idiot. For insulting my intelligence almost more so than the cheating I'd be gone.

[WaitingForBardot]

While I do think his story is implausible, I don't think it's totally beyond the realm of possibility. Pretty close but not totally...

 

I am one of those that does not regard cheating as an automatic dealbreaker. My feelings are, if you can put it behind you and never let it bother you again, your relationship can continue. OTOH if you can't be sure, 100%, then you need to end it now because it will always come back to haunt you and your relationship will eventually fail.

 

And before someone says otherwise, yes, I have been cheated on. Came home after work one night and caught my SO (5 yrs into an LDR) in the act. In my case we talked and I had her move out. I decided that it was so much in my face that it couldn't be unseen and I wouldn't be able to get past it.