squirrels Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Ladies, tell me what you think. I'm really pissed off about this still and it's been about a week now. My boyfriend and I(who work together) have been dating for a little over two years now, and we had sex for the first time about a month ago. It was the first time for both of us, and it was a special thing for me because I lost my virginity to him. I always thought he was one to never kiss and tell, but after we had sex, he told all of our managers - whom are all male. Then as a "joke" he told me that they called him into their office and teased him about losing his virginity. They asked him "how was it?" and if he "licked the little man in the canoe". I didn't find it funny at all, infact I thought it was very insulting and humiliating that they, and my boyfriend especially, would talk about us like that. I made a big deal out of it because it was extreme sexual harassment and I felt awkward around my managers from then on. I told the one manager who wasn't in on it, and he brought it to their attention and we had a meeting about it. I know I did the right thing by addressing the problem, but now my boyfriend is mad at me because I made it into a "big deal". He said it was just a guy thing and they were messing around and never meant to offend anyone. But it DID offend me and it hurt me. Not only has it made working there awkward because it was my MANAGERs talking about it, but it hurts that I gave my virginity to the man that I love, that in turn bragged to the male staff at work, and now he's mad at ME. What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by squirrels I told the one manager who wasn't in on it, and he brought it to their attention and we had a meeting about it. Yes you did do the right thing .. This is why you never fish from the company pier Saying yes to a relationship with someone at work is not saying yes to sexual harrasment. Just because you are boinking someone you work with is no reason for your other workers to harrass you about it. It sounds to me like he is too immature to handle giving a woman the proper respect in a relationship.. Tread lightly .. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 He did the wrong thing, you did the right thing. He is immature!! I mean it's one thing if he told his friends, his closest buddies...But to tell bosses and managers, that is just STUPID!!!!! And honestly, those managers should have down played it and told him that was inappropriate information to share with them as they are not in a position to be personable! Let your boyfriend stay mad! He's a jerk for telling them and a bigger jerk for being pissed at you! Sorry that your first time was ruined by his big mouth at work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author squirrels Posted July 20, 2005 Author Share Posted July 20, 2005 Thanks for the replies guys. It feels better to have people on my side:) The most frustrating thing is that he doesn't understand that telling managers is different from telling friends. He says "well you told your girlfriends", but that's different! I told him I didn't care if he told his guy friend, but he had to go and get managers into it...sigh Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Welcome to the consequences of fishing in the company pond. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Yeah, girlfriends are NOT paying you! The people he told are! And they are in a position of power, so it was inappropriate of him to spill the beans. I hope he gets over it otherwise that was the first and only time he's gonna get laid! (joking) Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Originally posted by squirrels The most frustrating thing is that he doesn't understand that telling managers is different from telling friends. He says "well you told your girlfriends", but that's different! I told him I didn't care if he told his guy friend, but he had to go and get managers into it...sigh Offer him to let you tell his mom, and he should get the picture. There are some people who should not have to know, or be informed of your exploits. His mom is one of them, just like your managers. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 Exactly!! Agree 100% with D on this one. There are things that should and should not be said - The first time, uhmmm, parents and bosses really don't need to know about that stuff. Friends, yes! LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
daletom Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 I think you BOTH made some mistakes - You didn't communicate to your guy the full significance (to you) of your first sexual intercourse, nor the regard you have for your sexual activities in general. Yes, he probably SHOULD have known these things, but you should have made certain that he knew them. You might have been a little too eager to give your virginity to him. He shouldn't have made this event general knowledge. Certainly not in a group that would treat it with the disrespect you described. Whether he did it knowingly or unintentionally, he has violated the trust and intimacy you two shared. Whether it's an employee group, a bowling team or a handful of friends from the neighborhood it took a lot of courage for you to say, "I will not tolerate this as a topic of discussion.". If the matter has been truly put to rest within the group, that is excellent. However, be alert for retaliation. If you didn't make a formal complaint to your employer (be sure you kept a copy of ALL notes, memos, meeting announcements, etc that are even REMOTELY related) consider writing a note of commendation to your company's personnel function. Without going into details, use one sentence to say that you were the object of crude and sexually suggestive remarks by supervisory people. Then - this is the important part - state that they recognized the situation and took actions to address it. Finally, state that the problem seems to have been solved and you expect no re-occurance. Under U.S. laws this establishes a pre-existing illegal situation that your employer (now) knows about, and re-inforces any future complaint you may make. As for you and your B/F - you both have an opportunity to grow closer and mature from the experience. If you hold this against him, or threaten him with it, you will push him away. If you two can discuss your individual views of sexuality, and its significance, to each of you it can bring you closer together. p.s. - as a parent of teens and twenty-somethings, I would be pleased to discuss their sexuality and sexual behavior with them. Unfortunately we probably aren't open enough for them to initiate the discussion, and my initiating it would be seen as intrusive. The point is - don't dismiss his parents (or yours) as a source of information and advice just because they're parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author squirrels Posted July 27, 2005 Author Share Posted July 27, 2005 I actually did communicate my inner most thoughts of how important my first time having sex was. We had a big discussion about it and I told him very clearly that I wasn't going to have sex until I felt that we both shared the same intimate feelings about it, and that I wasn't going to give my virginity away to someone that just wanted to "blow his load". I wanted it to be special and a time for us to grow closer, and he agreed with me. He was even the first one to say that he didn't want to tell people at work because it would be awkward, then what does he do...he tells managers. Between the two of us, we have it worked out and it has been forgotten about at work after me, him, and our managers had the meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
centered Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by daletom I think you BOTH made some mistakes - I disagree. There is no justification for his lack of judgment, poor manners, and lack of respect for his girlfriend. She did nothing wrong here. I know you meant well in trying to show where blame might be shared, but blaming the victim for any part of this mess is out of line. Hopefully, this will be a valuable learning experience for both of them and some good will come from this. Link to post Share on other sites
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