Gaeta Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I have an idea. If marriage is your absolute goal in life then go travel down south in the Islands, Cuba is your best destination, and bring yourself back a husband. They're all there at the airport waiting for Canadian women to come down and sweep them off of their feet. All you'll need to provide will be a Canadian citizenship BUT you'll have what you've always have wanted ' a husband '. He'll steal from you, he'll cheat on you, he'll live off of you but who cares you'll have 'a husband'. Because looks like for a lot of you on here think a woman only defines herself through ' a husband '. Her life isn't worth living without 'a husband' and all the time spent with a mate that didn't marry you is time wasted because the true meaning of life is having 'a husband'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I have an idea. . He'll steal from you, he'll cheat on you, he'll live off of you but who cares you'll have 'a husband'. . I was down with this suggestion until this - the Cuban men I have met were nothing like that. Damn, they are sexy too. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I was down with this suggestion until this - the Cuban men I have met were nothing like that. Damn, they are sexy too. You have not met those chasing Canadian women while on vacation there. I don't have enough fingers to count all the women I know that came back from a 2 week vacation with 'a husband'. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 You have not met those chasing Canadian women while on vacation there. I don't have enough fingers to count all the women I know that came back from a 2 week vacation with 'a husband'. LOL oh I have met them, but they all seemed pretty cool. Anyways...back to the topic ahha Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I feel like some people are being a little harsh on the OP. If she "just" wanted a husband, she'd have one by now. She could have gone trolling about for any old desperate guy. Not hard to do. It's pretty obvious she loves this guy in particular...while at the same time, having life goals (because duh...the two are not mutually exclusive). Hence, her quandary. No, she can't force him and she shouldn't try. Yes, she will probably need to move on. But I am not seeing why we have to jeer at her about how she's obviously only interested in snagging some guy and forcing him to sign a piece of paper. Unless we are just not seeing the same things, I don't get that feeling and I feel like she deserves a bit of slack. It IS hard to just cut off four years worth of love. She'd be a little inhuman if it weren't, IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 he wanted to get married on a tropical island -- Did he say that at a time when there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that the two of you would visit a tropical island? How long ago did he say that? Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 (edited) I'm appalled by some of the posts in this thread. If OP had said "I really need him to wear a tiny hat and he doesn't seem interested in a tiny hat and shuts down every time we try to talk about it," the response would be "neither of you are right or wrong, but you obviously have incompatible life goals! Go get you a man who will wear a tiny hat." Instead people are trying to shame the OP for her priorities and suggesting she's being too demanding for wanting what she wants. Are you serious? (For those who would argue the analogy doesn't apply because wearing a tiny hat is an unreasonable expectation, that only proves the point---no matter your feelings, marriage is one of the most strongly held societal constructs that even now a majority of the population partakes in. It is not at all unreasonable to want her romantic partner to partake in this ritual with her. But it's also not unreasonable for him to decline.) If a man wants to marry you you'll be the first to know. He doesn't need more than a year to know if he wants to marry you, and it definitely doesn't take more than two years after that for him to ask the question. It doesn't matter what his romantic history is, either. My fiance told his last girlfriend he didn't ever want to get married and would never propose, but after less than than a year of dating me he told me outright that he was going to marry me. Unfortunately, this is one of the very few issues between a couple where compromise is impossible. He's not wrong for wanting to keep the status quo. But you're not wrong for wanting what you want, either. The only wrong thing here would be to persist in a relationship that doesn't satisfy your needs. Edited January 18, 2017 by lana-banana 9 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 She posted a bit back, she forced him into it, and then he paid her off with a car etc to get rid of her because she was "cray cray". OMG!!! This is the reason he doesn't want to marry you. Why doesn't he enjoy having sex with you. I think when you get to the bottom of that problem you will find your answer or find a way to work it out. I would never want to marry a man I had to force to have sex with me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 (edited) I have an idea. If marriage is your absolute goal in life then go travel down south in the Islands, Cuba is your best destination, and bring yourself back a husband. They're all there at the airport waiting for Canadian women to come down and sweep them off of their feet. All you'll need to provide will be a Canadian citizenship BUT you'll have what you've always have wanted ' a husband '. He'll steal from you, he'll cheat on you, he'll live off of you but who cares you'll have 'a husband'. Because looks like for a lot of you on here think a woman only defines herself through ' a husband '. Her life isn't worth living without 'a husband' and all the time spent with a mate that didn't marry you is time wasted because the true meaning of life is having 'a husband'. Tne construct of marriage is so strong.. it absolutely over rules love in its very essences. The idea of marriage seems to trump love and that love is easily aquired. This is the mind set of a lot of young women.... when men are banging at your door. But tell those to the 35 to 50 year old single women to dump a man and acquire another love and doing that the juice is not worth the squeeze. Edited January 18, 2017 by Sweetfish Link to post Share on other sites
Author ClaraCAKES Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I was down with this suggestion until this - the Cuban men I have met were nothing like that. Damn, they are sexy too. Pretty sure i could get someone that wasn't marrying me for a visa, or money. However, I do agree with you it is amusing when a 55 year old woman comes back with an 18 year old child....never seen it end well. However I want to marry this person. Not a Cuban person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ClaraCAKES Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 he wanted to get married on a tropical island -- Did he say that at a time when there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell that the two of you would visit a tropical island? How long ago did he say that? Not long maybe about 6 months ago and then I must have said something about a church wedding in conversation & he said I thought we wanted to get married on an island beach. It was very weird because I was only talking about a church from something that was on tv! The anxiety of walking in front of loads of people would literally make me want to not do it!!! It would have to be SMALL. We were in Barbados for Christmas and NYE. We go on vacation lots (maybe 8 times) a year. US, Cruises, Europe, loads of places. So it's not like it would be a weird thing to say considering the amount we get about. We also have a trip to Europe booked for September already :/ so he obviously doesn't THINK I'm going to be departing.... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Clara: I have nothing against marriage even if my posts seem like it. I was married once and I would definitely marry again with the right man for me. What worries me is that this marriage seems more important to you than working on your relationship difficulties, difficulties that would fail your marriage, the very thing you want. If your BF would agree to marry you would actually go ahead with it and marry a man that doesn't touch you anymore, a man that dismisses your feelings, a man that has no compassion for the turmoil this current situation is putting you through. You said you don't feel loved or desired from this man, you need to address this before speaking marriage. If you don't feel desired and loved now you won't feel it after a marriage either and a life time of not feeling wanted and desired isn't worth the ring around your finger. You are so marriage hungry that you don't see this man may not be marriage material for you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
venusishername Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 If a man wants to marry you you'll be the first to know. He doesn't need more than a year to know if he wants to marry you, and it definitely doesn't take more than two years after that for him to ask the question. It doesn't matter what his romantic history is, either. My fiance told his last girlfriend he didn't ever want to get married and would never propose, but after less than than a year of dating me he told me outright that he was going to marry me. Why do you think it is, or how is it, I should say, that some men "know" with right away, or soon, and other men (like the one in question on this thread) don't know? Does he really already "know"? I guess my question is: what is the difference between a man who wants to marry YOU, and the ones that just date you and don't want to, or aren't sure yet, or whatnot. How can you tell? What actually happens? I personally don't know because I have only dated guys long term who didn't want to marry me while we were actually dating. So I figured I'd ask a person getting married. How can a person know that they are dating someone who wants to marry, and who wants to marry them in particular? Do you think one year is long enough to get on to the next step? Meaning proposal? Like the OP, I talked a lot with my recent bf about my wedding/elopement/bridal party/rings/future. I can understand why a person would be confused as to why the actual engagement or wedding plans weren't following those discussions. It makes it hard to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveFiend Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 (edited) It has been what 3.5 - 4years? Too long. If he hasn't married you now he never will. A lot of people go many years and have a happy relationship without ever getting married, but if you want to be married this isn't the man who will commit to marriage. You gave him 4 years, if you really want be married your just wasting your time with him. I have been dating a co-worker at my last job for the last month. We worked with each other for 2 years before we started dating a month ago. I already proposed marriage and she said yes. We are getting married in July. It really is not that hard for him to marry you. He either wants you as a wife or he doesn't. If cost is concerned you can do it the cheap way like I did with my previous marriages, go to court house and have a judge declare a marriage. Real quick in and and out in no time, getting married the easy way Edited January 19, 2017 by LoveFiend 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 If a man wants to marry you you'll be the first to know. He doesn't need more than a year to know if he wants to marry you, and it definitely doesn't take more than two years after that for him to ask the question. It doesn't matter what his romantic history is, either. My fiance told his last girlfriend he didn't ever want to get married and would never propose, but after less than than a year of dating me he told me outright that he was going to marry me. I complete agree. After all I've heard, I've come to believe a man generally knows within the first year of steady dating if he sees himself marrying you and he will tell you in some way. Even if it slips out as a tipsy joke. There's this myth perpetuated men don't want marriage and I just dont think that's true. Most men do want to marry eventually and are enthusiastic when they find a right woman.. There are men and women who do not want to get married and that's fine too. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 (edited) Other engaged or married people should weigh in on this one too... I guess my question is: what is the difference between a man who wants to marry YOU, and the ones that just date you and don't want to, or aren't sure yet, or whatnot. Caveat: there are men and women who have legal, practical, personal, or other reasons why they won't marry. But these people are secure in their beliefs and won't hesitate to let you know within the first few dates. That's not who we're talking about here. In terms of the guys you actually asked about, there's no difference. They can be one and the same, like my fiance who was deadset against marriage until he wasn't anymore. We all know that super player who swore he'd be a bachelor forever until he met a cute chick at a coffee shop and ta-da, wedding bells. Someone who just talks about marriage without ever doing anything is in one of two situations: 1) genuinely likes you, likes the relationship, but doesn't think you're Ms. Right 2) has no desire to get married to anyone but figures if he strings you along long enough you'll quit asking 1's are common and they tend to initiate violent breakups when Ms. Right arrives. 2's are cowards. How can you tell? What actually happens? I personally don't know because I have only dated guys long term who didn't want to marry me while we were actually dating. So I figured I'd ask a person getting married. How can a person know that they are dating someone who wants to marry, and who wants to marry them in particular? The same way you know anything else about somebody: actions that back up their words. If your boss talks constantly about giving you a promotion but never does anything to make it happen, he's being insincere. If your man asks your dad for permission to marry you and buys you a ring, he's proposing. And if he's discussing marriage in a realistic way---not just wedding talk, but initiating conversations such as "what are the property taxes like where we want to live", "how do you want to handle a prenup", "how long do you want to wait before we have kids"---then that's a pretty good sign. If he shuts down or claims he's feeling pressured every time the subject comes up, that's a pretty bad one. I think at some point every healthy couple has The Conversation, when you decide marriage is no longer a maybe if we work out but a yes, we'll do that. It becomes something you actively plan, save up for and treat as a certainty. Do you think one year is long enough to get on to the next step? Meaning proposal? In my age group (late 20s to mid-30s) everyone's engagement has come after 2-3 years of dating, usually much closer to 2. The first year is spent on cloud nine with rainbows and butterflies, the next six months to a year are for learning to fight, reconcile, and compromise as a couple, and then the engagement happens. It's not as straightforward as it sounds. After we had The Conversation it was four months of ring shopping, saving for the ring, and him secretly planning the proposal. He also insisted on meeting my dad to ask his permission even though I told him it wasn't necessary. OP, everyone has given you solid advice in this thread many times over. There is nothing you can say or do to get him to change his mind at this point. If marriage is your top priority, you need to walk now. And even if it wasn't a matter of marriage, you should never be with someone who shuts down and condescends you about topics that are important to you. Edited January 19, 2017 by lana-banana 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Why do you think it is, or how is it, I should say, that some men "know" with right away, or soon, and other men (like the one in question on this thread) don't know? Does he really already "know"? The night I met my ex-h for the first time he went to visit his mom and told her he had met the woman he'd marry. Of course she laughed at him. We got married 3 years later. He told me this story years later. My ex-h was the type of man that WANTED to get married and start a family. If marriage is your goal than you need to date a man that has marriage as a goal as well. If you get answers like: 'maybe one day' than those you don't date. How can a person know that they are dating someone who wants to marry, and who wants to marry them in particular? You know because they are in your face with it ! You don't need to ask or guess. They express it loud and clear and early. Do you think one year is long enough to get on to the next step? Meaning proposal? One year is enough to know if you'd marry this person but it's too early to get engaged. 18 months to 24 months if you spend all of your time together and you know a lot about each other. Then you marry the following year. I am in a relationship of 1 year, we see each other on daily basis, and I am crazy about him. I hope we're together forever and maybe in a couple of years marry but if he proposed now NO, one year is not enough to know someone enough to melt your life and your finance together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 You need to ask yourself a simple question. Whats in it for him to get married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Why do you think it is, or how is it, I should say, that some men "know" with right away, or soon, and other men (like the one in question on this thread) don't know? Does he really already "know"? I guess my question is: what is the difference between a man who wants to marry YOU, and the ones that just date you and don't want to, or aren't sure yet, or whatnot. How can you tell? What actually happens? So I think I might have some insight to this. I'm a guy that doesn't hold marriage as a priority, nor do I think it's silly or unimportant. For me the relationship is a priority and if it warrants marriage, then I'd get married. I was with a woman in my 20s for six years. She was a great woman - amazing in fact in many ways, but at no point did I ever plan to get married to her. I wasn't stringing her along or anything, but I wasn't really looking to the future. Just enjoying the relationship for what it was in the moment. Since then, I've had relationships with a number of women, but they haven't really been right - and by right I mean, not compatible in the right ways, and in some cases not very good partners. So, they may have been really attractive and fun to be with, but when it came down to the nitty gritty of the relationship, they just weren't someone that would make a good long term partner. Men often get caught up in the attraction factor, and I'm guilty of that as well. You can be super attracted to someone, and the sex can be amazing, but they can still be a terrible partner long term. That being said, currently I've been in a relationship with someone going on six months...all signs point to marriage...but I won't know for sure until at least a year...possibly a year and a half. Have to get through the honeymoon period and into real life to know for sure... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 You need to ask yourself a simple question. Whats in it for him to get married? I don't believe in this he gets the milk free so why buy the cow. I find it degrading toward men. Men want to marry for the same reason as women. Because the thought of spending the rest of their life with this woman makes them happy, they believe in marriage and the sanctity of it. When a man marries you it's because he cannot imagine his life without you.....and the benefit of the tax break (joking :-)) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I don't believe in this he gets the milk free so why buy the cow. I find it degrading toward men. Men want to marry for the same reason as women. Because the thought of spending the rest of their life with this woman makes them happy, they believe in marriage and the sanctity of it. When a man marries you it's because he cannot imagine his life without you.....and the benefit of the tax break (joking :-)) I agree. My husband got the milk for free from his girlfriend before me, but didn't marry her; in fact, he let it fizzle out. He got the milk for free from me, too, and proposed to me within months. It was never a milk shortage problem. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I have an idea. If marriage is your absolute goal in life then go travel down south in the Islands, Cuba is your best destination, and bring yourself back a husband. This is just plain rude. She doesnt just want any husband. She wants to marry her boyfriend. If marriage doesn't mean anything to you,or isn't important to you that's fine, but it is something the OP wants and not just with any random man. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Clara: If your BF would agree to marry you would actually go ahead with it and marry a man that doesn't touch you anymore, a man that dismisses your feelings, a man that has no compassion for the turmoil this current situation is putting you through. You said you don't feel loved or desired from this man, you need to address this before speaking marriage.If you don't feel desired and loved now you won't feel it after a marriage either and a life time of not feeling wanted and desired isn't worth the ring around your finger. You are so marriage hungry that you don't see this man may not be marriage material for you. She's hungry for marriage with him. The bolded are very good points. The lack of a good sex life is an issue, unless you're both happy with it. Doesn't the fact that he felt forced by his Ex tell you anything? Or has it reached the point you don't care why he proposes, you just want a proposal? That marriage would be doomed to fail. If he told you he loved you, but wasn't interested in marriage, and wanted things to stay as they are, what would you do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 This is just plain rude. She doesnt just want any husband. She wants to marry her boyfriend. If marriage doesn't mean anything to you,or isn't important to you that's fine, but it is something the OP wants and not just with any random man. Its AMAZING how people here either refuse to read or just have selective vision. Im trying to see where she said marriage doesn't mean anything. Please.... she clearly said she is Pro-marriage.. multiple times and advocated that she sees problems in the relationship and marriage will not rectify those problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Its AMAZING how people here either refuse to read or just have selective vision. Im trying to see where she said marriage doesn't mean anything. Please.... she clearly said she is Pro-marriage.. multiple times and advocated that she sees problems in the relationship and marriage will not rectify those problems. That doesn't change the fact that the comment was outright rude. Whatever her beliefs are regarding marriage, the comment was rude. Argue with that if you choose to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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