Dating again after long marriage in early 40s

[Snow7]

I'm a woman in my early 40's and have been married for almost 20 years. I'm getting the feeling that my marriage is over.

 

So...is dating at my age as horrible as everyone says? Of course, there were no cell phones, internet etc when I met my spouse so it's a brave new world out there.

 

Anyone care to share their experience?

 

If it makes a difference I am not unattractive. I do take care of myself: thin, fit, dress well.

[morrowrd]

You'll be pleasantly surprised to find out not much has changed. Early 40's is a great time to start over. You're still young enough to look and feel good, old enough to have the life skills you lacked in your teens and twenties. Advice - if you use online dating, use your filter very mindfully. Patience is the greatest tool you can use here.

 

Enjoy yourself.

[Lilyana76]

I find myself in the same situation as you, I was married for 20 years. Am now divorced and find myself in the dating pool. I am 40.

 

I started out online dating. Which was kind of, um... well it just wasn't a good experience the first time I started.

 

A lot of men looking for hookups on dating sites, a lot of married men, or men with girlfriends, just wanting someone on the side.

 

I gave up on it after a couple weeks, but decided to try again. I recently went on a couple dates over the weekend from men that I met on these sites. One didn't go so well, not so much in common, he was a heavy drinker/gambler which didn't appeal to me much. But the second date we hit it off quite well and have plans in a couple weeks to go out again.

 

My advice is, make wise choices for yourself. If someone is rubbing you the wrong way, there is probably a reason.

 

I've found that almost everyone is online dating. I would prefer to just meet someone the old fashioned way, but that is hard, as a lot of men won't approach in public unless they know someone you are with or something.

 

You said you feel your marriage is ending? It isn't over yet?? I'm kind of baffled why you would ask about dating already if you and your husband haven't even started a divorce......

 

First things first! Get divorced! Then take some time to find yourself, and who you are now that you aren't married before jumping into the dating pool, spend some time with JUST YOU. Join some clubs that interest you (another great way to meet people). Have fun for YOU!

[mikeylo]

If anything , it's become more difficult to find a decent loyal person. Technology has made it easier to cheat.

[Miss Peach]

I got divorced after a long marriage (though I'm younger than you OP). It takes a bit of time to re-learn how to read men and the dating game so to speak. But it's still easy to find men as long as you are approachable. I also have had better luck finding serious BFs IRL (through groups, meetups, etc.) than through OLD but I've met a lot of people both ways. With OLD you'll see a little bit of everything so just remember to filter for quality because you're more likely to see quantity on OLD.

[Articher]

Your experience is basically my experience. I'm in my 40's and was married to my high school sweetheart for over 20 years. I am now divorced and have been dating for 20 months. In my opinion dating has completely changed since the 80's. I don't remember it being this complicated! I've had to completely educate myself in order to not get swallowed up in all the mess.

 

Like you, I am considered attractive so getting dates is not a problem. But learning how to filter is essential. There are so many crazy components now that I do not remember encountering back in the day. The good news is you will probably get a lot of messages and online dating does let you meet people you might never encounter. The bad news is inappropriate messages, catfishing, flaking, ghosting... the list goes on and on.

 

So my advice to you is this: be sure about your marriage. Be sure you do not want to be in it anymore then take the steps to separate/divorce. When you are ready (you will know) join a few online sites and make a great profile. Screen the guys who message you to make sure you are looking for the same things. Don't be afraid to message guys first if you feel you might be compatible. Do not let negative experiences get to you. Do not base your self-esteem or happiness on any of the craziness that might occur. Be patient and enjoy meeting new people. Be honest about what you want and be yourself. Be open to and seek opportunities to also meet people in real life.

 

I'm still working through all this but I have learned a lot so far. I'm actually heading out on my 63rd first date tonight. It can be exhausting but I try to remain hopeful that the right guy is out there for me. I believe dating can be fun if you invest the time and energy to find the right kind of guys. Good luck to you regardless of what you decide to do

 

P.S. Age really doesn't have anything to do with it. My two best friends are 31 and 33 and they struggle with dating too!

[BluesPower]

Just use common sense. OLD can be OK. But at 40 you have a lot of life to go. Good time to be alive.

 

For me, I am 52 and I am having a great time. But I am guy.

 

It depends on whether or not you want a real serious relationship or not. Men at your age and my age are wary. For me it is easier in some ways. My girls know that I am not looking for a relationship, and I will never, ever, ever get married again.

 

The ones that like me want to be with me and the ones that don't aren't. One of my main GF's loves me to death, and is ok with me seeing other women as long as I am safe, and I am.

 

I have also let some of the really sweet ones go because they really don't need to be with me and I am not going to hurt them. They want to be in love and all that.

 

But life is good. And frankly, I am partying my A** off. Playing more music, starting a new band, having a blast.

 

BTW, if you see someone like me coming your way, you probably want to avoid him.

[Mysterio]

If your marriage is over. Please find a way to end it and not be dating when you are separated. I think that it sends a murky message when one is separated while dating.

 

Or at least assure who ever your dating that Divorce is emenent. Not just up in the air.

[Jj66]

I have a LOT of divorced women (and men) friends in their 40s and early 50s.

 

Most of them despise dating. They complain men their age are going for younger women. Generally the ones who are successful are the very most attractive of the group, or the ones who are aggressive enough to go after a man. It's tough if they want a relationship, but not too hard to find sex if they are willing to be a cougar.

 

I have observed that in this age group dating is heavily in favor of men. At least where I live, single guys in their 40s who are interested in dating (many have given up), reasonably attractive, have a decent personality, a good income, and a bad ass hobby really have it good. You'll have to "take a number" to land one. They get their pick of the people their own age and also get to dabble in the younger crowd from time to time.

 

I was fortunate enough to be one but I was a little shy and quite clueless about my "dating value" in the beginning. I thought it would be like my 20s where women had all the power and I was a nobody.

 

One of my female friends after seeing me at a meetup later compared me to a pot of honey with the honey bees swarming over me. She told me it must get old. I was oblivious. I was having a conversation with few women about something mundane. It didn't occur to me until afterwards that one or more could have been interested. I eventually got a girlfriend for two years and then broke up. The same friend told me not to worry, the news is out and they are already lining up around the block to replace her.

[mightycpa]

and I will never, ever, ever get married again

This is exactly what I was thinking. At 40+, one of two things is true:

 

1) A guy has never been married, and is probably not looking to get married (unless he's terrible with women and/or relationships in general, ie, desperate)

or

2) He's young, but feels a little old, and is divorced and probably has kids and more than enough bills to keep him busy. He's wiser about marriage and women, and he's probably not eager to start a new family with someone, or take on a whole new "ready made" one either. A typical guy has got to have a whole lot of "been there, done that" in him. He likes attractive and good looking women, but he's not nearly as caught up with somebody's looks as he used to be, because by now, he's figured out that you can be married to someone who looks really good, but is also a nightmare to live with. Plus, women need sex as much as men, so he can probably find a few women to scratch that itch, and my experience is that divorced women will bang your lights out, I think to prove that the divorce wasn't about sex. Lastly, his pals give him a whole lot more vocal admiration and validation when he's dating many women vs. when he gets tied down to one.

 

What does that mean then, in practical terms, for women? In order for him to jump into a serious relationship with a woman exclusive of all others, she's going to have to be pretty damn extraordinary. Given that you are divorced, no offense, but how extraordinary can you be? At best, your marriage was a friendly mismatch. At worst, he either treated you like sh*t (ie, he didn't think you were extraordinary) or you weren't loyal to the marriage (ie, definitely not extraordinary). Most likely, both of you were normal people, ie, just plain not extraordinary.

 

Now, my initial thought was that you could describe men and women this way interchangeably, that the same considerations apply to either sex. But upon further reflection, I don't think that's true. Women, in my limited experience, seem to crave the comfort of one man after a while. In general, they don't enjoy hopping around from guy to guy while most men can only dream about having a bevy of women from which to choose.

 

I think the women who come closest to being like men are the ones who have come to terms with how they are best suited for serial monogamy, but they also recognize that their relationships have a shelf life of a few years, then they switch men and do it all over again.

 

I don't know. I think my wild generalization describes most people. I could be completely full of sh*t, but I don't think I am. I just don't think most men would worry about going on online dating and finding out that most women are there to use them for sex but don't want to be exclusive or get serious. I think if the world worked like that, men would thank their lucky stars and the divorce rate would be a lot higher.

Edited January 16, 2017 by mightycpa

[BluesPower]

And anyone who care to listen.

 

Agree with you as well. But here is the deal. I was an awesome husband. Just awesome. My wife, not so much...

 

For me, A) I do not date younger women (45 is my lower end, I have gone a little lower but not much) and B) A lot of women just want a good guy to hang out with that is good in the sack.

 

I just love being with the ones that are casual and laid back. I cook for them, they all seem to like that. I love cooking and am usually better than a lot of woman. Even if I am not they would rather me pamper them so I am good with that as well.

 

I'll fix little things for them, but no big projects. If they are into music they can come watch me play or go watch some of my friends play if I am off.

 

And, they understand that if they get real clingy then they don't get the good meals and the solid sex. So most a cool with it.

[mightycpa]

I was an awesome husband. Just awesome.

Aren't we all?!?

 

I thought I read somewhere that you were a cheatin' husband? It could be that I'm confusing you with someone else.

 

Anyway, I'd have to assume that at your age, you're more than happy to be with a woman that makes you happy, and you're more that willing not to make the same mistakes that people make when they're younger. On the other hand, I have to believe that when the work/fun ratio gets out of whack, it's not going to be long before it's over.

 

And that in order to get married, she's going to have to be extraordinary (or rich with no pre-nup requirements).

 

[Jj66]

I'm not sure why women get upset at being used for sex. Sex is fun. If I were a woman I would be much more pissed at being used for laundry or childcare. ;-)

[Michelle ma Belle]

First, I would echo those members who said you should make sure you know your marriage is over before dating. This could really complicate things in your life so tread carefully.

 

Second, I'm one of those women who found herself back in the dating pool at 40 after being married to my ex for 20 years. Like you, there was no such thing as internet or cell phones to speak of never mind SnapChat and Tinder.

 

I don't care what anyone says, dating was very different back then and it took some time to figure out how dating is done today and how much it and people have changed as a result of technology.

 

Once you understand how the game is played and arm yourself with common sense and a good sense of humor, you can play with the best of them. A**holes aren't born online only after all so just be smart and always remain discerning.

 

The only 'warning' I might give you is that if you're half as attractive as you say you are, younger men will be blowing up your inbox. And that's not necessarily a bad thing

 

Enjoy!

Edited January 16, 2017 by Michelle ma Belle

[Popsicle]

Of course it's different. Like half the people your age now are married, whereas they weren't before in your 20's when you were single.

 

Your pool of eligible men is cut down tremendously. (Same is true for women as well, btw)

 

You just have to learn how to date again and adjust to the new circumstances. Like Michelle ma Belle mentioned, you may have to consider younger men now.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Popsicle

[Jj66]

Of course it's different. Like half the people your age now are married, whereas they weren't before in your 20's when you were single.

 

Your pool of eligible men is cut down tremendously. (Same is true for women as well, btw)

 

You just have to learn how to date again and adjust to the new circumstances. Like Michelle ma Belle mentioned, you may have to consider younger men now.

 

No idea why but there seem to be fewer eligible men. At every dating related meetup in this age group that I have been to the women outnumber the men, sometimes by more than two to one. And even here, you see the women clamoring to spend time with only the most desirable guys in the group. The effective ratio might be 3 or 4 to 1. It's cutthroat. A lot of guys I talk to refuse to go these things or get back in the dating pool at all. Thet are sick of rejection. They'd rather drink their beer, hang out with their buddies and complain about how their ex was and how the alimony payments are killing them financially, etc.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[Popsicle]

No idea why but there seem to be fewer eligible men. At every dating related meetup in this age group that I have been to the women outnumber the men, sometimes by more than two to one. And even here, you see the women clamoring to spend time with only the most desirable guys in the group. The effective ratio might be 3 or 4 to 1. It's cutthroat. A lot of guys I talk to refuse to go these things or get back in the dating pool at all. Thet are sick of rejection. They'd rather drink their beer, hang out with their buddies and complain about how their ex was and how the alimony payments are killing them financially, etc.

 

Well, older single men always say this. They think they have it so much better than older woman and are grand lotharios. Okay, whatever works for you.

 

It's true that Meetup's are estrogen filled but the bars are testosterone filled.

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Snow7]

Thank you for all the replies!

 

I am not signing up for dating right now. I realize that I am still married and I have been faithful all these year even though my husband mentally checked out of our marriage a long time ago. Just looking ahead.

 

I'm not interested in anything serious and definitely not marriage. Why would I? I'm not having any more children and I'm financially independent. Just looking for someone with a mutual attraction and common interests to hang on with on the weekends.

[Snow7]

 

When you are ready (you will know) join a few online sites and make a great profile. Screen the guys who message you to make sure you are looking for the same things. Don't be afraid to message guys first if you feel you might be compatible. Do not let negative experiences get to you. Do not base your self-esteem or happiness on any of the craziness that might occur. Be patient and enjoy meeting new people. Be honest about what you want and be yourself. Be open to and seek opportunities to also meet people in real life.

 

 

This is good advice! I will try to remember it.

[Snow7]

The only 'warning' I might give you is that if you're half as attractive as you say you are, younger men will be blowing up your inbox. And that's not necessarily a bad thing

 

Enjoy!

 

I don't want to give the impression that I'm a model or anything-lol! Just that I'm reasonably attractive and could easily pass for 35. I am nothing against younger men!

[mightycpa]

Of course it's different. Like half the people your age now are married, whereas they weren't before in your 20's when you were single.

 

Your pool of eligible men is cut down tremendously. (Same is true for women as well, btw)

 

You just have to learn how to date again and adjust to the new circumstances. Like Michelle ma Belle mentioned, you may have to consider younger men now.

I read her comment more like now you GET TO consider younger men...

[BluesPower]

Aren't we all?!?

 

I thought I read somewhere that you were a cheatin' husband? It could be that I'm confusing you with someone else.

 

Anyway, I'd have to assume that at your age, you're more than happy to be with a woman that makes you happy, and you're more that willing not to make the same mistakes that people make when they're younger. On the other hand, I have to believe that when the work/fun ratio gets out of whack, it's not going to be long before it's over.

 

And that in order to get married, she's going to have to be extraordinary (or rich with no pre-nup requirements).

 

 

My story is complicated, but I was an awesome husband. And, I did cheat when her drug addiction, hidden by the way, got to the no sex stage. I don't do no sex in a relationship. I was also a BS if that matters.

 

And no, I will not be getting married again. If I find one that I want to be with full time, which is very unlikely, we could just live together.

[thefooloftheyear]

No idea why but there seem to be fewer eligible men. At every dating related meetup in this age group that I have been to the women outnumber the men, sometimes by more than two to one. And even here, you see the women clamoring to spend time with only the most desirable guys in the group. The effective ratio might be 3 or 4 to 1. It's cutthroat. A lot of guys I talk to refuse to go these things or get back in the dating pool at all. Thet are sick of rejection. They'd rather drink their beer, hang out with their buddies and complain about how their ex was and how the alimony payments are killing them financially, etc.

 

 

Its kinda simple...

 

For many women, they constantly seek the thrill of a relationship/love story...They could have been burned a hundred times, and yet they still hold out hope..So they show up in droves, and constantly get in the game...

 

 

 

For men, its different...A lot of middle aged/older guys are either jaded and cynical, lose sexual interest in women, and/or also have performance issues..Once they are at that point, then you are right, they'll spend their time with their buddies/hobbies, and cry in their beer..Ever wonder why it's always women in the Viagra commercials?? TBH, I never could quite understand the part of nature, where women, as they age and their looks/body deteriorate, are all of a sudden looking to have sex 24/7...when guys are in the same spot, they are in their 20's and beating their brains out trying to get laid...Kinda makes no sense...but hey...

 

Anyway, The guys that aren't in the tank and are attractive/fit/active/virile, certainly wouldn't necessarily need to do meetups or OLD....unless they want to pick from a different pool..As you stated, the majority of the women are throwing themselves at those guys.....

 

TFY

Edited January 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Weezy1973]

OP, dating isn't that hard actually. Most people are in relationships so have dated successfully. As long as you know what you want, and have reasonable expectations, you should be fine.

 

Dating is fun! Only those who don't have reasonable expectation struggle...

[Mrlonelyone]

Mid 30's knocking on late30's . Having dated continuously but for a few on and off relationships and periods of just not trying... I'd say dating hasn't changed much.

 

Online dating existed 20 years ago. It's just that back then online dating was stigmatized.

 

Cell phones existed 20 years ago but they were just you know...phones. Plus if you had a Cell in the late 90's it still kinda meant you were doing OK. Now everyone has at least a ultracheap smartphone with more power than a PC from 25 years ago and all kinds of apps.

 

Social media and social networking have in my opinion changed relationships and dating for the worst. Every high school crush you ever had is at your fingertips. They kind of existed but were in infancy at the time. If you were really into the internet and had a website and blog back in the day it could be like FB.

 

Generally online and technology have given us so many ways to connect with people without having to really connect. So many ways to fill the emotional need to relate with a partner without having to be face to face. So many ways to cheat on the one we are face to face with.

 

Divorce will be a red flag to some and social proof to others.

 

There are plenty of websites that say those of us who never got married must have something horribly wrong with us.

 

There are plenty of websites that say those of us who did get married and divorced must have something horribly wrong with us.

 

These two schools of thought are IMO the biggest reasons dating over 30 or 35 is different. These have been in place forever. The "why aren't you married if you're a catch" line of thought. Don't worry about it though. As long as whoever you are dating is over those ages, and is single then they can't really judge you. The ones that do are acting based on fear and it is no loss to loose out on them.

Edited January 17, 2017 by Mrlonelyone