Trouble already.....newlywed needs

[Lonelywife2323]

I'm embarrassed to even come to the site, but I don't really know who else to ask. I have been married for a few months. My husband and I have been together for several years though and have one child and another one on the way. I am 38 we will be 31 soon. We have been through a lot in our relationship and have overcome quite a few struggles while dating and we currently Live overseas as both of us are in the military. We've always had discussions about how relationships change sometimes when people get married because they expect their spouse to change. Sometimes, people think that marriage means you need to stop hanging out with friends or change habits, etc. and since my husband was married before, that is part of the reason why he was divorced. His last wife expected him to be a completely different person. That isn't the case with us. I expect my husband to not change and be the man that he was before we got married, or when years go by, grow together with changes that come. I should add that we had a great dating relationship too once we got over a few bumps. So, I feel like we can really overcome anything, but this new problem is leaving me stumped.

 

Unfortunately, there's been a shift in the relationship already and I don't know what to do. My husband has always been the kind of person to come and go as he pleases. He was raised that way, on an island where there was little supervision of the kids and they just pretty much ran amok. He's never abused that when we were dating though. but since we've been married, he is never around.

 

We happened go back to his hometown to get married and had our honeymoon there. Since his family was there, he did spend some time with them and ended up playing poker with his brother. He won a lot of money and ever since then he has been addicted! He is constantly on poker websites, looking for ways to improve, trying to find local games here and has succeeded in getting in with a group that plays 3 nights a week.. And whenever he is home, which is rare, he is always on his phone, trying to find more games. The nights when he cannot find games, he goes to the local game room and plays slot machines. There was one night last week where he left for work very early in the morning and went straight to the game room right after work and did not even come home until midnight. Sometimes he wins, other times he doesn't. And what he doesn't realizes that on the nights were he does win, all he is doing is winning back the money he lost. So, he is just breaking even. Yet, he leaves money for me on our table as if he is showing some sort of trophy. Since we are saving up for a house, I have been handling the savings. Each time he loses, he says he's not going to go back anymore, but he still does.

 

Prior to us getting married, he was an avid fisherman and was gone usually both Saturday and Sunday and would stop up to the bait and tackle shop for a few hours maybe once or twice a week. But, he was always home by dinner time and brought money home in his pocket. Plus, it made him happy and I didn't mind in the least bit. I have issues where he goes and gambles and there's a good chance he could lose a lot of our money.

 

Now, he is home maybe one night a week and when he does come home, he falls asleep on the couch right after dinner time. There's no time spent with me as a spouse or with his daughter who is only two.

 

Folks, it is way, way too early to be having trouble like this I think. And I'm scared. I've asked him if he is bored at home and he says no. I've also told him that it's not fair that he's not coming and spending time with me or our daughter. I'm not getting to the point where I'm nagging, but I'm just dropping little hints here and there. I almost have to handle him with satin gloves in many ways because he's the type of person where if you tell him he cannot or should not do something, he will want to do it. So, I almost have to do a reverse psychology on him. I've even tried to sit down with him and tell him that I don't think what he is doing is right and I don't appreciate it. So, he knows how I feel and the communication is there, but he just seems to be in his own little world.

 

We have a baby on the way and I am due in three months and have told him that I'm going to need some more help around the house when she comes. That is a no-brainer. But, in addition to his lack of being here, there is no sexual contact since I've started showing and when he is home, since he is on his phone, we don't really talk much. I feel like we've already lost our connection.

 

What can I do to either spice things up, or stop what I see is going to be a serious problem?

[Mr. Lucky]

We happened go back to his hometown to get married and had our honeymoon there. Since his family was there, he did spend some time with them and ended up playing poker with his brother. He won a lot of money and ever since then he has been addicted! He is constantly on poker websites, looking for ways to improve, trying to find local games here and has succeeded in getting in with a group that plays 3 nights a week.. And whenever he is home, which is rare, he is always on his phone, trying to find more games. The nights when he cannot find games, he goes to the local game room and plays slot machines. There was one night last week where he left for work very early in the morning and went straight to the game room right after work and did not even come home until midnight. Sometimes he wins, other times he doesn't. And what he doesn't realizes that on the nights were he does win, all he is doing is winning back the money he lost. So, he is just breaking even. Yet, he leaves money for me on our table as if he is showing some sort of trophy. Since we are saving up for a house, I have been handling the savings. Each time he loses, he says he's not going to go back anymore, but he still does.

 

It would seem he's in the early stages of a gambling addiction. Do you have access to his email and online banking information? He could be opening up credit cards and drawing against credit lines you may not be aware of. Under these circumstances, debt can pile up very quickly. They don't build those fancy game rooms and tall buildings by having players win - anyone gambling as often as you describe will eventually lose it all.

 

Is there a family member or trusted friend that might intervene? Someone he might listen to? Someone in the chain of command? The effect on the brain is no different than drug addiction, for those people gambling stimulates the same receptors in the brain. There are obvious resources in GA but it's hard this early to get someone to take the program seriously, they usually have to bottom out first.

 

Hope I'm wrong, these types of situations often get worse before they get better. I'd take action now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jump Through Loops]

You won't be able to stop him, only he can do that. Your only option is to protect yourself, your children and your home.

 

 

Start by taking steps to fully understand the problem you are facing. There are many Websites/oranisations out there that can help you with this.

 

 

Stay calm, don't lecture nor nag. Just let him know your concerns and that you will be taking action to protect your family against gambling. Set your sights in defeating gambling, not defeating your Husband.

 

 

All the best.

[Lonelywife2323]

See, the thing is, I do have access to his email and his bank account information. There was a significant drop in his savings a few months ago and when I talked to him about my concerns, that is when he went on a mission to make the money back. I will say that he succeeded and brought home over $5000 in just a matter of a few days. But, that doesn't erase the problem. He's not always going to win and there will not always going to be times of joy. I am thankful that he does not have access to my account because I have been saving money for quite a while now and I am fearful of him trying to take it. I don't know if that fear is rational or not.. And he is handing the money he wins over to me, which I have hidden. But, why should I have to do that?

 

In the past, his argument was "I can do what I want with my spending money. I don't get on your case when you shop, so how is this different?"

 

Great advice to focus on defeating the gambling and not him!

 

I'm going to bring it up this week again that this issue needs help now. Otherwise, I can see this going south quickly and while I don't want to throw in the towel ever really, my head is with my kids. If I start seeing anything that is affecting them for our financial future and he won't fix it, I'm not going to stand for it.

 

Thank you for the advice

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't know if he has managed to develop a gambling addiction so quickly or is just a dcki, but being away from home 6 days a week would be unacceptable to me under any circumstances, and you have a 2 year old child and another on the way. Does he expect you to take care of the kids and housework 24/7? What was the point of getting married at all if he is going to be MIA all the time?

 

I don't think it bodes well that you feel you need to use reverse psychology for him to address your concerns and respect your boundaries in this situation. Personally I think you should tackle the issue head-on - make it clear his behaivior is not acceptable to you, and set limits for how many nights a week you expect him to be home. If you feel like the gambling is a real addiction and don't trust him with money, you can offer your support there and continue monitoring bank accounts and checking for new credit lines. addiction or not, his lack of participation in the family is a big problem and not one you should pussy-foot about on.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, I think I'd be pretty clear that his behavior is not acceptable. You will need to tell him what you need, related to the care of the home and the children.

 

Also, he must recognize that there is a problem and take steps to fix the situation.

 

And, if his gambling put the financial security of my children and my family at risk... that would be the end for me.

[VeveCakes]

Yes, the first step is helping him realize he is addicted.

 

Definitely start stashing your money away, where he doesn't know you have it. Gambling addictions start heavy, and crash hard. He will lose everything. He will bet your car to make money back etc. Do not sit and wait on this. If you have to, contact his chain of command. The military should have resources to help him with this addiction.

 

Because you are Military both, this is the first route I would take.

[mikeylo]

Your savings won't stay if this continues. If he gets bankrupt, your savings will be used up before you know it.

 

Get help asap.

[Mr. Lucky]

See, the thing is, I do have access to his email and his bank account information. There was a significant drop in his savings a few months ago and when I talked to him about my concerns, that is when he went on a mission to make the money back. I will say that he succeeded and brought home over $5000 in just a matter of a few days.

 

Had a friend who was a similarly "motivated" player and he always had a flash roll of cash. When it all hit the fan, turn out he had everything from title and payday loans to casino lines of credit.

 

Understand this can progress quickly to the point where it becomes more important than anything else, you and family included. Based on how he apportions his time, he's already well down that path. Addicts will lie, cheat, steal and destroy to feed their habit. And they'll also deny any problem exists, which I'd guess would be the substance of your initial talk with him about this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Epicurus77]

I see something the others responders do not: The time loss. Let us say it was not cards, but another hobby. The points is you are complaining about lack of companionship. My only clue: keep asking married woman with longer marriages until you get clues at solving this type of abandonment.

Edited January 17, 2017 by Epicurus77