Update: a year after the breakup with my Borderline Personality Disorder Ex

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Hello all, I haven't posted here in months but some of you may remember my breakup with my BPD ex and if not, here's the original thread.

 

In just over a week, it will be 1 year since the breakup. I am looking forward to this "milestone" so I can celebrate it. It was truly the best thing to ever happen to me and I am so grateful to be out of that incredibly toxic relationship. In general, I am so, so, so much healthier in every aspect imaginable. I am genuinely happy, carefree, far less anxious, I cry at regular intervals and at regular things, my job is great, my finances are in order, I have close friendships, I have hobbies, the list goes on. I even dated someone for a little while but ultimately broke it off because it just wasn't a good fit. Otherwise I've not been looking for love and just taken a healthy break until either something comes along naturally or I feel the urge of loneliness to begin looking for a mate again. I haven't felt much sadness in this area though and been quite fine to enjoy being single.

 

The only thing is that I find myself often ruminating over what happened. I have "flashbacks" for a lack of a better word. I don't like to talk to people about them because I'm afraid my friends will think I'm milking an old bad situation or even if they know I'm not, that they are tired of hearing about it. And that maybe I'll sound whiney to say "I was abused and it's still effecting me!" So I've come here, to my "old haunt," to share my feelings and see if anyone has had similar experiences or has any advice.

 

To be clear, I don't think about HER or miss her or check up on her or wonder what she's up to. I have been 100% NC since February of 2016 and had to see her in May of 2016 because we were both at a concert for a band we both follow (that's how I met her). She went on the (expected) smear campaign after that and was telling people in the fan base how awful I was, that I abused her, and she even told a flat out lie that got back to me as her telling people I broke into her home and stole her property and then physically assaulted her when she caught me, when in reality she lives 500+ miles away and I haven't been within 200 miles of her home since the breakup and what I "stole" was digital concert tickets that were in my name under my Ticketmaster account that she happened to pay for months before the breakup.

 

But what I do struggle with is these ruminations and flashbacks that I feel were traumatic. Like, I'll look at my bedroom floor and remember how on the daily I'd find myself in the fetal position, hysterically crying and either texting her or on the phone with her begging for her to talk to me, acknowledge me, or forgive me. I flash back to moments when she was punishing me by blocking me for days or yelling at me and blaming me and what comes rushing back is how I FELT in those moments and I get chills. I get angry because in those moments I let her do those things, I allowed myself to beg and plead and apologize repeatedly for things I didn't do or when I didn't even know what I did.

 

Is this normal? What am I experiencing and why? Is it just a cycle I am keeping myself in and need to let go, or is this some sort of possible PTSD or traumatic bonding after effects? I've tried googling "long term effects of dating a borderline" but often only come up with things that happen immediately after a breakup and not a year or more down the line.

Edited January 17, 2017 by blackbird_brokenwing

[frigginlost]

Absolutely normal.

 

It took me two years to regain "normal" after my relationship with a borderline. The flashbacks were all part of it.

 

Sounds to me that you are doing just great and your brain is still building scars and flushing feelings.

 

Well done!

[mightycpa]

Like, I'll look at my bedroom floor and remember how on the daily I'd find myself in the fetal position, hysterically crying and either texting her or on the phone with her begging for her to talk to me, acknowledge me, or forgive me.

 

 

Absolutely normal.

 

Pardon me boys, but WTF? I can't even imagine. I gots to know:

 

Do you think there's something about each of you that makes you particularly susceptible to the abusive treatment that I read about? When I read those stories, the "victim" always recounts the story of the first blow up. When I read that, it's such egregiously bad behavior, and such a red flag about the person, that I always wonder, "why did you stay for more?", not to mention the subsequent ones.

 

It's like you're addicted or something. Or maybe they're Vulcans who have mind-melded with you. Or something.

 

Why did you stay for more?

[frigginlost]

Howdy Mighty,

 

The easiest way to put it is that, for me, I am a "Type A" personality so trying to be the "White Knight" for that particular ex came naturally (it was invisible to me at the time). I was a firefighter for many, many, years and trying to "help" and or "fix" someone was ingrained in me. The hardest part for someone to realize regarding a BPD person is that when they show their "child side" it is extremely addictive. Imagine a 5 year old little girl that you absolutely adore hating you with everything she has one minute, and then "loving" you the next. It's a vicious cycle that I never realized was taking place until years later.

[Nadine123]

I took the crappy treatment because I was lonely and pathetic. simple as that.

[mightycpa]

Hey FL! I fixed it for you:

 

Imagine a 25, 35 or 45 year old little girl that you absolutely adore hating you with everything she has one minute, and then "loving" you the next.

I literally shuddered.

It's a vicious cycle

No it isn't!

 

I appreciate the insight.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Pardon me boys, but WTF? I can't even imagine. I gots to know:

 

Do you think there's something about each of you that makes you particularly susceptible to the abusive treatment that I read about? When I read those stories, the "victim" always recounts the story of the first blow up. When I read that, it's such egregiously bad behavior, and such a red flag about the person, that I always wonder, "why did you stay for more?", not to mention the subsequent ones.

 

It's like you're addicted or something. Or maybe they're Vulcans who have mind-melded with you. Or something.

 

Why did you stay for more?

I'm not sure if this will change your perception or not, but I am also a female and I am 9 years younger than my BPD ex. The reason I stuck around after the first signs of this were because I didn't know she was BPD (obviously) and the circumstances were such that it was explained away.

 

What happened was that we met at a show, became friends, then chatted online for a few months before deciding to become "more." Two weeks after that I had a big trip planned with some other friends to see this band that we both loved and met through, to follow them to 5 shows down the west coast. At first, my ex acted really excited for me and talked to me constantly while I was gone and wanted to know how the trip was going. And then about 2 days in, she very abruptly was super cold and distant, didn't ask about my trip happenings, didn't respond to my texts, and denied anything was wrong. I couldn't help but feel confused and rejected since it was less than 2 weeks since she and I had decided to be girlfriends and she seemed so into me. I just chalked it up to her being jealous that she couldn't go on that trip too since she also loved the band as much as me. Considering we hadn't been dating long and I felt bad for her thinking she was just jealous and feeling left out (plus she couldn't go even if I had invited her because she had to take care of her disabled mother), so all of that combined I just felt bad for her and let her behavior go. I only realized months later that she acted that way in a (perhaps subconscious) attempt to ruin my time for me and make it less enjoyable by obviously pulling away and being cold. It was manipulation at its finest and it happened two weeks in, I just didn't know it because it was so subtle, as most BPD traits are at first.

Edited January 17, 2017 by blackbird_brokenwing

[ExpatInItaly]

I get it, OP.

 

My ex-boyfriend is also diagnosed BPD, but he always refused to seek any treatment. We dated (on and off...of course) for about a year and I finally left about 3 years ago. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made too. I wish him no ill will, but I would never even consider going there again.

 

The crazy hysterics, the flashbacks, the moments of utter "...WTF?!..." I have been in those shoes. I find that speaking to those who haven't experienced it themselves (or some other form of emotional abuse) can sometimes be difficult, and some can be quite dismissive of it or over-simplify the situation.

 

Good for you for getting out and staying out. I know it's not easy. And yes, I would say what you're feeling is fairly standard for partners of a person with BPD.

[Downtown]

In just over a week, it will be 1 year since the breakup. I am looking forward to this "milestone" so I can celebrate it.

Blackbird, what a wonderful surprise to find your update! As BlueFeather and I stated last April, we were so pleased with the progress you had already demonstrated then -- just 3 months after you had gone NC. Remaining NC for a full year will indeed be a milestone worth celebrating!

 

But what I do struggle with is these ruminations and flashbacks that I feel were traumatic.... Is this normal? What am I experiencing and why?

I agree with Friggin and ExPat that what you're experiencing now is very common. If you were in a relationship with a BPDer for 18 months, consider yourself lucky that you are only experiencing unpleasant flashbacks at this point. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will make you feel crazy sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

[Offspring]

so all of that combined I just felt bad for her and let her behavior go.

 

She was looking after her mum and probably feeling isolated. You hit her in your previous relationship with her. The right thing to do would have been to abort mission and go and see her, or at least reassure her that you were there for her, rather than just "letting the behaviour go", like there was no foundation for it.

[salparadise]

It's PTSD wrapped in cognitive dissonance. We all have paradigms that keep us grounded in reality... like knowing for a fact that pigs don't fly and rocks don't float. In human relations we are grounded by knowing that those who love us treat us well and meet our needs... our expressions of love, positive regard and goodwill are reliably reciprocated.

 

These beliefs are based on unconditional love and acceptance, from our mother or primary caregiver, from birth through age five or so. For most of us this is a self-evident truth that is fully integrated into our understanding of reality.

 

BPDs, however, did not receive the maternal bonding that results in a fully-formed sense of self. Like in gestalt theory, you can think of it as a circle that's not closed. An arc is missing where we expect a closed circle, representing the complete sense of self.

 

BPDs expect intimate partners to complete the circle and fill the void, which of course, is impossible. Consequently, when they suffer feelings of emptiness it's the partner's fault, and negative emotions are expressed as anger. They manipulate like a child to get what they want. It feels to them that you are intentionally withholding what they need to be whole.

 

The fear and self-loathing gets projected onto their partner in strange ways that can't be reconciled. So the flashbacks are your emotional memory of pain (PTSD) trying to reconcile two fundamental truths that cannot rationally exist at the same time... we love each other, so we treat each other well and meet each other's needs, vs. we love each other, and she treated me horribly––I try to meet her needs but she doesn't care about mine.

 

These paradigms are mutually exclusive in both the cognitive and emotional realms. This produces cognitive-emotional dissonance. We are not wired to accept two conflicting beliefs and when presented with such it causes distress... and in your case, flashbacks.

 

Cognitive dissonance is an interesting psychological phenomena. I'll refer you to this article for explanation, research, competing theories and links to authoritative sources.

 

Bottom line... you need to modify some beliefs. Try to accept that the former of the two statements above is usually true, but there are exceptions... also known as toxic, dysfunctional attachments. It takes the emotions awhile to catch up to the cognitive side. A few years would not be unusual. Emotional healing of the pain memory will also reduce dissonance. Forgiving the ex is beneficial I think. Her objective was not to make your life miserable; it was an unintended by-product of her suffering.

 

Try not to drag this baggage into a new relationship. A more accurate paradigm would be "most people will treat me well and meet my needs in a loving relationship, but some aren't capable, athough it's not their fault. I deserve to be treated well, and to have my needs meet too, therefore I will not accept less than a healthy, fully reciprocal relationship in the future."

Edited January 18, 2017 by salparadise

[blackbird_brokenwing]

She was looking after her mum and probably feeling isolated. You hit her in your previous relationship with her. The right thing to do would have been to abort mission and go and see her, or at least reassure her that you were there for her, rather than just "letting the behaviour go", like there was no foundation for it.

 

I'm just... dumbfounded by this. You know so incredibly little about the situation, and this is a place that I have come for support and encouragement and you say something so out of line like this.

 

I don't even know where to start or if it's worth responding to you, but I'm going to. She may have felt isolated but a lot of that was her own doing. By the time our relationship ended, I had done so freaking much for that woman and her mother. Getting up multiple times in the night - every single night - to take her to the bathroom, wipe her, change her diaper, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, do her hair. Her mother would criticize me left and right for anything I did to help. I'm not even going to expound on that further because *I* know what I did and that there was absolutely nothing more I could have done in that regard.

 

I am still shaking my head that you felt the need to bring up that I hit her. It took me a very long time to realize that she pushed me to that place with repeated and escalating psychological abuse. If two girls had a cat fight and scratched each other's eyes out, you probably wouldn't say anything about it and yet because I hit her in the context of a relationship I'm now some monster?

 

I am so confused by your last part. Abort mission? Go see her? If you possibly mean that I should have canceled my trip with my friends, that's laughable. That was planned for months with thousands of dollars spent and I had been "dating" her virtually for 2 weeks at that point. Her mother lived with her full time, she had the help of paid caretakers (whom she didn't pay for... but that's a long story) and her mom was in stable condition and had been for over a year by the time I came along. It was par for the course that my ex took care of her, going there instead of my trip would have done nothing. She lived more than 500 miles away and I DID go see her after my trip.

 

There was no foundation for her behavior. We had been dating for two weeks! It was the very beginning of HER trying to isolate ME (which she succeeded in doing over the next 18 months). I ended up doing things for her and her mom that most other girlfriends, especially long distance who aren't married, would never do. Hell, I did more than the paid caretakers. I would never even bring this up because at the time I did it willingly and was happy to help, but you make me feel like I have to go on the defensive. And to say I should have done more is just ludicrous. I did everything conceivable including reassuring her 50x a day that I was there for her.

[Frozensushi]

BPDs expect intimate partners to complete the circle and fill the void, which of course, is impossible. Consequently, when they suffer feelings of emptiness it's the partner's fault, and negative emotions are expressed as anger. They manipulate like a child to get what they want. It feels to them that you are intentionally withholding what they need to be whole.

 

The fear and self-loathing gets projected onto their partner in strange ways that can't be reconciled. So the flashbacks are your emotional memory of pain (PTSD) trying to reconcile two fundamental truths that cannot rationally exist at the same time... we love each other, so we treat each other well and meet each other's needs, vs. we love each other, and she treated me horribly––I try to meet her needs but she doesn't care about mine.

 

Wow, this hits home for me in a big way. I can't believe I actually experienced this. What a nightmare that was. I'm so lucky to not be going through such a horrible relationship like that anymore.

 

Everything you said syncs with my BPD experience. I haven't thought about it for a while now and it all came flooding back reading what you wrote. Yikes!!!!

[bluefeather]

First, I wouldn't even worry about the offspring comment. There are some.. no, a lot of times when it just seems like someone reads a small portion of one paragraph and chooses to give an opinion/judgement off of it. If I was in your position, this might have been a slight trigger or at least a tick of some sort. So with kindness I say don't even worry about defending to something like that. You have explained yourself well enough before and do not need to justify. Just my opinion, of course

 

Anyway,

 

Hi blackbird_brokenwing! Thank you for linking to your previous thread. I remember you

 

I am glad that you have come to this point. A year is good. A year is very good. As to your flashbacks... I have them too. It sometimes hits me when something I see as depressing happens. Recently, I tried to do something, but failed. It did not even have anything to do with that person. But still, it was there. Memories came back and I surprised myself. Those times felt... forgotten, and I began to ask myself why I was choosing to see these images again. I liken it to having surgery. If anything hits the body hard enough (say if you fall from a height - even if you land on your feet, that landing will send a shockwave throughout your body), that wound might still sting. I have admitted to myself that I am still not fully healed. I recognize this, I accept it, and then allow myself to continue healing. There may be more to it, but that is how I can currently understand and deal with it. Make sense?

 

To your memory of lying on the floor... A portion of damage that I went through is jarring to talk about, but just know that my heart truly goes out to you. We can call this some kind of PTSD or something that needs to be let go of, or "traumatic bonding after effects" - (that's a new one for me lol), but to me it is a scar. A battle scar. A "love" scar. A psychological scar. But as with most injuries, it seems time is the best healer, as cliche' as it may sound, but in combination with positive thinking, self-love, and healthy activities. So you're probably on the right track. Keep doing what you're doing!

 

I have survived and now there are only echoes.

These echoes may come still, but they are nothing compared to the explosion made long ago...

 

You survived!

 

Maybe instead of googling what you did, search "long term effects of emotional abuse in relationships"? Might be worth a try. And maybe add the word "healing" before it.

 

Congratulations on your milestone! Now let us keep moving forward..!

Edited January 19, 2017 by bluefeather