My soon-to-be husband...no more.

[No_Go]

Good that you're not contacting each other. You can do it in the future, but better let the inevitable sadness, resentment etc go first. Maybe in 6 months to an year it will all feel fine for friendly contact, maybe not... Your life will move on in any case.

 

What other people do to you is SO annoying.... I think you can shut them down with a different topic - or asking something about themselves (I'd be nasty and ask something personal if they were mean ... otherwise just change the topic).

 

I think if you can push through 1! conversation with any of these annoying people - accepting their 'condolescence' about your broken engagement and switching the topic - they will quickly lose interest. In the end of the day - everyone has their own issues to deal with, so their 'interest' will be transient.

 

Stay strong.

 

 

Hi ,NoGo.

 

Thanks for your kind comments. I'm sorry about your relationship ending, sounds like you did the right thing, though.

 

That's all I've been doing is trying to keep busy. I haven't heard anything from him so far and I doubt I ever will, I haven't contacted him either and I won't.

 

These next two weeks I'm going to be traveling for work and I expect I'll be super tired to the point I won't even be able to think about what's been going on and I'm looking forward to that. Since it's gotten out that I'm single, I've been confronted in the streets by people who knew about our engagement, they approach me to say, "sorry about you and calum" and sometimes they even question me and it makes me feel incredibly low. People around here are now pitying me and it makes me feel worse. What makes it even more irritating is that I've had two guys who practically pounced me when they knew my engagement was over. One of them tried to kiss me at work and I had to literally push him off, the other just keeps asking me out even though I say no.

 

I feel suffocated - can't wait for these next two weeks because I'll be too busy to be around anyone who knows my situation.

[Misconstrued]

Today/tonight has been a really bad night. I have not been able to sleep a wink and I start this new job today (it's 4:19 AM) - I sat in my bed for the past 6 hours tossing and turning, trying to listen to low music, trying to turn the t.v on and sleep with it on in the background and I've had no luck with anything.

 

I suppose it's because I did something very stupid this morning. For the new 2nd job I got I had to go back to my apartment which I shared with my ex to get the ID badge and some personnel detail forms that the company sent to my old address. I picked the time to go when my ex would be at work, I get there and see all this junk laying on the floor - opened mail packaging with no mail in it, most are addressed to me and some are addressed to both of us (joint debt, joint accounts etc). I was so mad he opened my mail, not just ONE letter or ONE parcel, but ALL of the mail that was sent to that address directed to me and I could not find my ID badge (I need it for work!!) or the personnel forms, I also remembered that I had ordered a parcel from Amazon and the packaging was there but the item was not. I decided to text him immediately, but tried to remain calm. I wrote,

 

"Hope you're well, Calum. I just wanted to check something - I'm in the apartment and found some mail addressed to me that was opened, if you've opened it, can you let me know where it is because I need some of it for work?"

 

I waited for 20 minutes, made myself a cup of tea and I got no response. An hour went by, my anger built up inside as each hour passed and still no response. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking he may be busy at work and maybe he would drop them off later but no. It wasn't until I asked my friend if he has been on Facebook that I discovered he was simply just ignoring my text. I am enraged with anger, needless to say.

 

I'm going to try giving the boss a call in the morning and try explaining why I do not have these forms and why I need them resent. Sigh. All night I have been worrying about this, annoyed and furious and HURT that Calum could simply not be respectful enough to reply to a freaking text message to let me know where my mail is!!! This game he is playing is SUPER childish and I cannot believe I thought for one minute this man ever cared about me.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do, but here I am again, trying to piece another mess he has left.

[minimariah]

call your boss & explain the situation - tell him your X stole your mail. handle debt & joint accounts IMMEDIATELY --- as in... if there is something else of YOURS he can get his hands on... handle it. also - redirect your mail so he won't receive anything yours ever again. go full NC, seriously. block him on everything, block his number & mail... full NC.

[Misconstrued]

Grieving process - It's been ages since I've had any break-up's since I was with my ex fiance for a long time and I have forgotten what it's like to go through the grieving process of losing someone you were completely in love with. I'm feeling so run-down and incredibly lonely.

 

I need a bit of a pep-talk. I have these tiny urges here and there to contact my ex for answers and scream at him, but I know it won't do any good. My brain fights with itself, pushing and pulling, telling myself I know he doesn't love me because if he did he would contact me and fight, then my brain fights against it and says, "maybe he doesn't know how and still loves you" and I get this urge to contact him to find out, despite knowing it's not true.

 

What the hell is going on!?

[hl1962]

Not only you won't get the truth, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't know what respect is and isn't caring. The most constructive thing to do now is to get several jobs you can get, work till you pass out until you are totally over him. In time, you'll be happy with your own nice place and maybe meet someone along the way. Totally NC! Rooting for you.

[VeveCakes]

Grieving process - It's been ages since I've had any break-up's since I was with my ex fiance for a long time and I have forgotten what it's like to go through the grieving process of losing someone you were completely in love with. I'm feeling so run-down and incredibly lonely.

 

I need a bit of a pep-talk. I have these tiny urges here and there to contact my ex for answers and scream at him, but I know it won't do any good. My brain fights with itself, pushing and pulling, telling myself I know he doesn't love me because if he did he would contact me and fight, then my brain fights against it and says, "maybe he doesn't know how and still loves you" and I get this urge to contact him to find out, despite knowing it's not true.

 

What the hell is going on!?

 

 

Do not do this. He has already shown he won't reply and that he doesn't even care enough to give you your important mail. He is a selfish person. It is also illegal for him to open your mail...

 

Be strong, look within. Take the energy you are focusing on this and the hurt, and use it towards yourself. Make yourself feel good...spend the energy on your future and dreams.

[GottaBeBoosted]

I'm so sorry all of that happened. What a terrible way for him to make someone feel! You deserve much, much better!

But, honestly it was much better to do it now before you were married, rather than pushing those bad feelings aside and being unhappy for a while longer.

Hopefully things will become easier soon, until then know that you are amazing and wonderful and that no one should ever make you feel anything less!!

[Purepony]

I'm sorry you are going through this I can tell you really do not deserve to be in this position but I do have a question for you if you would have found out about the affair or that he cheated do you think that would've made this easier for you or do you think you would have still gave him an option ?

Because even after he confessed you give him the option to stay

[Misconstrued]

You're right, Purepony. However, I didn't give him the option to stay, I gave him the option to fight for me. I wanted to see him show somehow that he cared about me and cared that he hurt me, but he didn't. A friend of ours told me recently that he had a dating website/app - Tinder, and after we broke up, he deleted it. I was shocked to find this out because the friend was closer to me than he was to him and he kept it a secret and yet knew all about what he was up to, but didn't bat an eyelash. I know it isn't his problem or issue to get involved but I feel like that isn't my friend. Am I wrong?

 

Another issue recently has been one of my girl friends who apparently fancied my fiance made a tasteless joke while she was drunk and we were all having a glass of wine over dinner (she's a lightweight) - she said, "No wonder Calum dumped you" and started laughing. I had to excuse myself and come home.

 

I've decided it's really unhealthy for me to be around any mutual friends I share with Calum right now. I've been putting myself into work and focused on that only and I'm going to change some things regarding my so called, "friends". Right now I have a day off and I'm trying to spend it on myself - I'm going shopping later in a bit so hopefully I get to relax and treat myself.

[anika99]

You're right, Purepony. However, I didn't give him the option to stay, I gave him the option to fight for me. I wanted to see him show somehow that he cared about me and cared that he hurt me, but he didn't. A friend of ours told me recently that he had a dating website/app - Tinder, and after we broke up, he deleted it. I was shocked to find this out because the friend was closer to me than he was to him and he kept it a secret and yet knew all about what he was up to, but didn't bat an eyelash. I know it isn't his problem or issue to get involved but I feel like that isn't my friend. Am I wrong?

 

Another issue recently has been one of my girl friends who apparently fancied my fiance made a tasteless joke while she was drunk and we were all having a glass of wine over dinner (she's a lightweight) - she said, "No wonder Calum dumped you" and started laughing. I had to excuse myself and come home.

 

I've decided it's really unhealthy for me to be around any mutual friends I share with Calum right now. I've been putting myself into work and focused on that only and I'm going to change some things regarding my so called, "friends". Right now I have a day off and I'm trying to spend it on myself - I'm going shopping later in a bit so hopefully I get to relax and treat myself.

 

I agree that you should avoid the people you spoke of above. They are definitely more hurtful than helpful. You have wounds that are going to take some time to heal and just like physical wounds they have to be tended to with tlc. These friends are not being sensitive to your feelings or your pain so best to keep them at bay, maybe forever.

[courtneykay]

I cannot say that I have been in your exact situation, but I have had my heart broken by someone I thought I was going to spend my life with, and I have been cheated on as well. Both of those things are painful and hard to overcome, but it is possible.

 

I just have to say, I admire how strong you have remained throughout all of this. It is clear that you are taking the high road, and I wish you luck as you continue to navigate this journey of overcoming your heartbreak.

 

I understand not wanting to be around friends and family, especially when they all seem to be so happy and coupled up, and like they have their lives so together. It is times like these though that it becomes easy to isolate yourself, and I urge you not to do that. If your friends are being toxic or haulting your recovery, I would absolutely cut ties with them. What your friend did was despicable. Do you have any single friends? Or any friends that are not mutual friends with your ex?

 

Investing yourself into friendships, diving into new hobbies, and taking care of yourself will help the healing. I can't say I have all the answers, because I still struggle daily, but just know that it WILL get better.

[Misconstrued]

Yes, you guys are absolutely right. I should not be around them since it's a toxic environment for me, so I'm not going to.

 

I have made some new friends recently through this new job. I have not told them my situation and I don't think I will unless they become close girl friends of mine. Tonight I was very anxious about the future, it's been on my mind since the break-up happened, and I admit, I think of him every night. I think of what he's doing, who he's doing, if he's even missing me, wondering what I would do if I ran into him etc. This morning I pulled up to the shop and then headed to the petrol station to get petrol for my car and a few snacks - when I pulled up, I saw a car that looked exactly like his and I saw the back of a man in the station paying for his petrol and he had the exact same haircut as Calum. My brain automatically thought it was him and I started to go into a panic attack, unsure what to do, I froze and thought about pulling away but couldn't because there was someone in front of me putting petrol in their car. I thought of reversing out but couldn't because there was cars queuing up behind me and I thought it would bring more attention to me anyway. I closed my eyes shut and squeezed the steering wheel tight, trying to catch my breath and I started sobbing heavily. By the time I opened my eyes, the man came out and walked by and I saw his face - it was not him.

 

I started laughing and crying at the same time - unsure what the hell was going on with me. And after I got home I started thinking, "SH*T, what am I going to do when I DO run into him?" - that was bad enough when I thought it was him, but if it was him...by God, I cannot imagine the mess I will be. So, I've decided to avoid every place he may be and I've asked my boss to change my work schedule to night and he said that is fine. So I will be working nights only now, thank god. I'm in NC and don't want to ruin it by bumping into him because I don't know how that will affect me and I would rather not risk it until I am strong enough to deal with it.

 

I cannot express enough how different everything feels and how I'm literally grasping at my life right now to pick up these pieces. I feel like I'm starting over in life, except I'm not a baby, I'm a grown woman with responsibilities and heart-break. I literally had to write out a to-do list when I moved back into my parents, had to get my priorities straight. I wrote down to make sure I get a second job, done that. Now that is out of the way, I have no clue what to do next.

 

Is there anyone else going through something similar?

[Miky]

HI Misconstrued

 

I went trough similar thing when I was younger, She was my first true GF that I wanted to get married with, this is from a post I put out few years back but it gives my story,

This happened when I was in my first year In University, she was a student in one of the Engineering classes, I was in a prep class at the time, I could not make a direct link to the thread so I copied the text here.

 

"I myself also went trough a very hard breakup when I was on my 20s

I was more of a nerdy type in those days, not many chances of relationships with the ladies I have to say, coupled with shyness and introverted personality and the mere fact that I was not a party animal or notable don joan to I did not have many dates or much of meaningful relationships at those days.

With all that I manage to get 1 girl to notice me, I got lucky, she was beautiful toll blond, a ballet dancer, very talented and smart, many many wanted to date her, tried and failed, and me ? at the time, I did not even thought I had a chance, she was a hard 10, I was a mere 6 may be a 7(form she is out of his league movie)n one day I hit the jackpot Karma worked in my favor, I was able to work with her during some collage special volunteering program, one thing led to another, with careful planning I manage to get her to go out with me on a date, one date led to another and with her falling for me I was on the top of the world. you can understand the feeling, I was happy and proud of my self, the relationship held for 18 months, we were very close and already made plans to get married, names for kids, the whole 9 yards, all that until she got accepted to a special student exchange program in a different country, she had no doubt about going and did not even thought twice about our relationship

she simply packed and went there.

 

well guess what, within 6 months of starting on her new program I got the dear john speech, "I love you but not in love with you" line or the better version of it, "I know I may be sorry in 10 years but I need to do that for me right now", or "it is not you but me" boy that hurt, and the worst part of it is that within a few days of separation, on one of my feeble attempts to get her back during an expensive trip, visiting her at her place abroad she announced that she is dating a new guy, someone she was studying together with since she moved to the new program.

 

I was doomed, tossed like an unused piece of trash, the devastation was deep, I broke in to million pieces, I did all the classical mistakes begged and pleaded and groveled, no chance in hell, we all know this will never work, I kind of knew as well, all that took around 3-4 weeks and I reluctantly went to NC mode immediately after.

 

Now remember, this happened in the 80s, no internet, no facebook ,no forums like this one to give you advice, I was living with my parents at that time, they were old school and did not understand how I can fall so hard on my face for this Girl, so minimal help understanding and support from them,

I have met her once on the University Campus around 8 months mark after the break up, I could hardly speak to her, almost choked from excitement, but that was it, we have never met or connected ever again, in the mean time, slowly, with a lot of work, hard work on my self, with a bit of counseling, I managed to step out of the darkness, started to go out with friends met new girls and met my girlfriend which later become my wife, for 25 years I kept thinking of my ex, at the first few years it was like a string of energy was still connecting us together, I could almost feel her, this went for many years even trough my relationship with my wife,don't get me wrong I love my wife but I felt a connection still exists with my ex in a different level, although there was no communication between us, our life circles did touched from time to time and throughout the years I would get a piece of info on her from common acquaintance.

 

With the years going by, the invisible string become thinner and thinner, I had a family of my own and had to go trough my own life challenges, I have never seen her in these 25 years, I knew she married this guy she dated from the program and had his children, but not much information other then that.

 

All this until October 2010, in the last few years Facebook and social networking is becoming widespread and accepted, and as such technology is available and accessible, it presents some unique opportunities that if not existent would be impossible to occur, the ability to connect with people from your past, People that that in normal circumstances the odds of meeting, let alone speaking with would be extremely remote has been a blessing in many situations ( the same as it can be a curse to some...)

 

With me working in the IT field and understanding the power of the Internet and its possibilities and also an adopter of social networking for both means of communications and business ventures, It was not a difficult task to search her Facebook profile (out of a nostalgic curiosity)so out of impulse,I did ,and low and behold, bingo, there she was.

 

That was a bit if a shocker, the 20 year old beautiful blond that I remembered was no longer there, (yes yes, I am not a male model either I know) the lady in the pictures I did not know, she was a complete stranger, someone with a familiar face, no more the tall long legged ballerina that I used to know, never the less it trow me a curve ball, mixed emotions started to come up, and the old gut wrenching familiar pain stated to creep deep down in your soul, the pain that you remember from many years ago, this debilitating pain that caused me to be out of whack for almost 2 years after the break up, so after a short check on her profile, some satisfaction of the stalking urges to look at her profile, I suddenly felt emptiness, it is like the string of connection was severed, I could look at the picture and suddenly no more feeling would come up, I felt that I am getting truly free of her after all these years, I guess my imagination and my mind "idealized" her in a way and kept me with no real closure on this relationship.

 

So to summarize, you never really recover fully or "move on" so to speak, in many cases you push these feelings in to compartments of your heart that they do not affect you and bother you as much any more, I knew I needed closure for myself but I knew I was never going to get it, she did not wanted to be with me at the time and that was it, she was with me for a very short period of time of her life and most of it with someone else (and myself as well for that matter) and this is the hard reality of it all it is useless to waste any more energy or emotions on a person that most likely be looking at you as an interference to their life (then and now).

 

I will never initiate any form of contact with her,I have no interest, nor want to bother her in any way, it is a liberating experience to get these buried feelings and set them free."

Edited February 2, 2017 by Miky

[Love_struck]

Sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. You sound like a really intelligent and bright woman. You are bold and courageous to have done what you did. It seems that you are also caring and trusting. If this man really loves you the way that you deserved to be loved-he will come back, repent/genuinely apologize, and do all that he can to put you guys back on a path of building trust (it will take some time though). I recommend that you seek therapy, even if its for a few sessions-just to talk through your pain and to have professional help to pick up the pieces so that this experience don't cause the good guy to suffer for the damaged trust this one has done. I wish you well & all the best...you deserve it.

[Misconstrued]

Love_Struck, thank you very much. And to you, Miky, for sharing your story.

 

I'm taken this weekend to myself, had time off work and did a bit of "me" time while my parents are gone. I'm not exactly sure when this pain starts getting better, or when I stop thinking of him as much and feeling "unworthy" or that I'll never find someone with as good as a connection we first had when I met him. All this negativity, I just want it gone, but I know it takes time. I just wish the time part would hurry up, which is why I'm trying to keep myself busy. I plan on making this my personal journal - where I get to write about this almost-marriage break-down. I suppose I'd like to look back on it as I get stronger each day, if I even do.

 

So, to start off I should probably say that sleep isn't all that great. I get dreams about him which doesn't help but I try to ignore them as best as I can. I haven't cried all day today, which makes me feel even more lousy because I feel like I'm bottling it all up, but at the same time I feel like I don't have any more tears to cry yet. I just know they are building up inside waiting to explode again. Anyway, I'm going to go do some work stuff right now and hopefully, catch up on some sleep.

 

P.S - it would be nice to hear about everyone's progress with their break-up's?

[Misconstrued]

It's fine to say keep busy, but you can't keep busy for every minute of everyday. Night time is when it gets me most - when I am finally about to sit down and go to bed, that is the time when I think of him when I'm not busy, and then because I think of him - my mind keeps me awake. I start missing him and my brain urges me to contact him, but my heart tells me not to. It's a constant battle between the two.

 

Other people tell me to "miss him" but when I miss him, I have these urges to contact him and then when I tell myself not to because of what he's done to me, I become depressed about it all and dwell on it. It's like there is absolutely no medium. No in-between. It's either one thing or the other.

 

I haven't even counted the days anymore since I last spoke to him and I don't want to.

[minimariah]

it's normal - don't worry.

 

i don't have any good advice... you'll have to go through it. it's another phase that needs to pass, that's all. can't get over him without pain, unfortunately and this break - up is VERY fresh... so, give yourself time.

 

but yeah, i know the feeling. it will definitely follow you for some time but it gets better as you start having fun without him & enjoying others' company.

[MilitaryMan]

Is your Marriage completely over or are you just separated?

[Mr. Lucky]

Other people tell me to "miss him" but when I miss him, I have these urges to contact him and then when I tell myself not to because of what he's done to me, I become depressed about it all and dwell on it. It's like there is absolutely no medium. No in-between. It's either one thing or the other.

 

Find something to distract you when these doubts creep in.

 

For me, it was music (well, actually music and tequila but you should skip the tequila part ), I had it on 24 hours a day when we separated, even sleeping with headphones on. It lifted my mood and blocked the more self-destructive and self-pitying thoughts trying to take over my brain. In short, it kept me grounded and, to this day, I'm very tough in that Trivial Pursuit category.

 

I had a friend who divorced and became equally obsessed with painting. Other fill the void with exercise. Find something other than a silent room and an empty mind...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Fdb]

I think I understand your feeling since this is am going through too. We are not divorced yet but separated over 10 months already . I do miss the happy time we had, miss the company but not the life itself. Even the company I am missing is the ideal version of him by my imagination. I am trying not to think about it. I am really busy but hard to concentrate. I am trying not to talk to anyone anymore about my feeling. I believe time will heal it. Enough is enough, when finally we walk out our own mood, it will be much better world

[Lilyana76]

What you are missing right now is your "idea" of him and who you wanted him to be, or who you wished he was. Remember that is not who you are divorcing.

 

All of us who are divorced have been through it, we get it. Keep posting here to vent, get some support, talk to us to fill in those voids if you need to!

 

I went through a period of just sick of being alone too.. that was my weakest point, where I thought about calling him just so I wouldn't have to be alone in my bed at night. I know I wasn't missing him, I was missing being close to someone.

 

Maybe read a book before you fall asleep, it helps keep your mind focused on something, and if you are anything like me, makes you drowsy and ready to close your eyes.

[Misconstrued]

It's only been about 2 weeks now, maybe 3, I have no idea since I stopped counting and have been preoccupied with work and trying to distract myself with other things to keep me busy - sometimes I even forget what day it is!

 

Anyway, my Mother convinced me today to go back to the apartment and clear out some things that belonged to me, or should I say, "us". I blocked [NAME REMOVED] from every social media website possible - the only way he can contact me is by texting me because I have no way to block his number, my phone doesn't have that option, I think I'd have to call up the network to do that. But don't worry, he hasn't contacted me and I have not contacted him either. I didn't want to make contact to ask him what I could take, so my Mother did instead and he texted her back saying I could take whatever I want, and that he doesn't care because he's moving out - completely fine.

 

I get over there when he's at work so I don't have to see him. And my god, that place is a pigsty!! There was dirty laundry all over the hall, USED condoms, empty bottles of beer and bits of pizza dropped on the carpet in the living-room. I can't tell whether or not it's from a party he had or simply just himself. I decided to gather a ton of things while I was there so I didn't have to go back and I did, but I still need to get some more stuff and I think I'll be done tomorrow.

 

The stuff I got is beneficial to me, I moved back into my parents because we have joint debt together - [NAME REMOVED] and I. So they are helping me out and all this stuff I bought [NAME REMOVED] from the past is what I'm going to sell now to help myself get out of this situation. I don't want to depend on my parents or have them clean up my mess. And I certainly do not want to speak to [NAME REMOVED].

 

I had a huge spout of jealousy in me - he's sleeping with every girl possible he can, during our relationship and after. Drinking, having parties, doing whatever he wishes while I am over here back in my parents home, with nothing, doing nothing except working and crying every night over his pathetic, childish self.

 

And then I felt relieved... relieved that he will never find a woman like me. A woman who put up with his laziness, his mind-games, his manipulative ways, a woman who was independent and loved him the best way I possibly could. That alone gives me my closure and comfort that I need.

 

I hope you all find that, too.

Edited February 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
anonymity~T

[whichwayisup]

His loss.

 

I love how much confidence you have and not let him ruin who you are.

 

Wish you the best and hope you find a great guy who will adore you and treat you with love and care.

[Misconstrued]

Right now my mind isn't on any guys - I'm trying to enjoy my own company and do me for now. I honestly could care less if I find anyone and I don't know if it's because of the day I had. I was around my cousin and her long-term boyfriend today, they were dropping me off home after we went to dinner together and on our way home, they started arguing. It was an argument about something SO stupid and silly, and I was like, "really?" in my head. But they were really going at it over this very silly stupid thing and it just made me think, like I do not miss that at all and going home to a place where there will be no man waiting for me to expect him to make his dinner, be lazy and leave his clothes out, for me to do his laundry and then for him to argue with me about the most stupid things ever....no thanks to that.

 

If a man comes into my life again, he will have a lot to prove to me before I even consider dating him. Not because I'm stuck-up or anything or expect a lot given to me, but because I won't date someone like my ex again, I refuse to go lower than what I deserve.