How can I move from HATE to Indifference?

[AWomanScorned]

After dealing with his drunkenness and bachelor behavior (partying, buying and wrecking multiple motorcycles, etc.) for several months, my husband cheated while I was pregnant with our first child last year. I only found out about it on Facebook when our child was about two weeks old and he went to a motorcycle rally with the other woman and people started posting pics of them. I did the STD tests, got my own place, filed for divorce, etc. last summer. This was after I found out he had been sexting other women while I was undergoing intense medical procedures and he swore he'd stop... and my dumb butt married him despite him cheating on me while we dated. (Hello?! I should have left him then!) Since then, he has not helped financially with our child, but has moved the other woman into the home that still has my name on it. He hasn't made a payment on it since August, (nor anything for our child), and I've received calls from the company that financed his vehicle, which he's also months behind on (thankfully I did not cosign on that one!). I noticed a hint of a tattoo on his forearm the other day when he had supervised visitation with our child and I'm pretty sure it's the homewrecker's name (which, tbh, I find completely hilarious).

 

I didn't get to enjoy pregnancy because I constantly worried if he was in a ditch, hospital or jail from all the drinking and driving he did, plus I was still recovering from all my medical stuff (cancer + multiple surgeries). He spent our money on motorcycles and this woman and continues to spend money on her and her three children, but can't even keep his lights on or pay for the four walls, let alone our child. I've taken him to court finally in December for a temporary hearing for visitation and support, but although I've held up my end, he hasn't. They wouldn't grant the divorce because he and his lawyer were trying to change up the terms of visitation and custody 30 minutes before the hearing and I'm uncomfortable with my infant being around a drunk man and an immoral woman for an extended length of time. I want to be divorced so badly from him, but I'm not compromising my child's safety just to get it over with.

 

All that to say, I HATE THIS MAN WITH A FIERY PASSION.

 

I don't miss him at all. I'm so glad to be done with his trashy way of life and to not be associated with him any more. I've moved on and have started dating again, but I cannot forgive him yet and I can't get over this total hatred I have for him. Everything reminds me of him and it's like a punch in the gut every time I realize how naive I was to trust him or continue to be with him despite his selfish behaviors. I honestly wish he'd bow out completely and let me and our child live our lives without interruption. But this hatred consumes me daily - my dreams, my thoughts... it's got a bad hold of me and for him to have any affect on me pisses me off.

 

So the question is, how can I move from HATE to INDIFFERENCE, especially when I'm still legally bound to him and all the financial stupidity (and lawlessness too)? I don't want him to end up killing someone on the road and then be involved in a lawsuit since I am still legally involved with him. What can I do to ensure my child's wellbeing? I know he still drinks and goes out and this woman enables/encourages that. His other kid doesn't even want to see him any more because of the person he has become. (I loved that child like my own and luckily his mother and I get along just fine.)

 

I despise this man so much, but it's better for me to HATE him than feel hurt and sad by my loss and betrayal (which, admittedly, is probably where that hate comes from.)

 

I just want to experience true joy again. I've distanced myself from friends and activities I used to enjoy and I've shifted my focus to my child, who I would do anything in the world for. I feel like this hatred is life-sucking and I'd love to just be indifferent or numb to it/unaffected by it.

[Lilyana76]

I know this isn't what you are going to want to hear but...

 

You have to forgive him. Forgiveness is for you, not the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness allows you to let go and move on. It doesn't mean that what he did was not wrong or ok. It just means you refuse to hold on to it anymore.

 

I was much like you, I loathed my ex husband. I wished his slow and painful death daily. I realized I was never going to move on, or have him not in control of my life anymore if I held on to that anger and hate.

 

Forgive him, let it go. After you are able to do that, you will improve in your mind and clarity vastly. I promise you.

[basil67]

A little more on forgiveness: Forgiveness isn't about liking the person again. It's not about second chances. It's simply about deciding to let go of all the hate.

[Ronni_W]

... it's like a punch in the gut every time I realize how naive I was to trust him or continue to be with him despite his selfish behaviors.

I've been working on this about a different matter. Sometimes it is that we have to forgive ourselves first - for being naive and trusting despite all evidence that we should not trust. I'm still having difficulty taking 100% responsibility for my own bad and self-defeating decisions and choices...but, slowly but surely I'm getting there.

 

I suspect that, once I get to my self-forgiveness, I won't care so much about the other person's decisions, mistakes and flaws - at least, that is my strong feeling right now.

 

Hugs and best.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I've been working on this about a different matter. Sometimes it is that we have to forgive ourselves first - for being naive and trusting despite all evidence that we should not trust. I'm still having difficulty taking 100% responsibility for my own bad and self-defeating decisions and choices...but, slowly but surely I'm getting there.

 

I suspect that, once I get to my self-forgiveness, I won't care so much about the other person's decisions, mistakes and flaws - at least, that is my strong feeling right now.

 

Hugs and best.

 

I like this Ronni_W.

 

How can I move from HATE to Indifference?

 

AWomanScorned. I don't know about the whole forgiving the other person-thing. Believe me, I have a difficult time forgiving people whom I do not respect. But I do know a little about moving on.

 

It is my best educated opinion and experience that the best way to move on is to move forward with any and every well-thought out plan to better your lot and situation. In other words, get YOUR s**t together so that YOU can live free from the BS your husband (ex) has created around you. Get support, help, a plan to separate yourself from this guy. Be thoughtful about it.

 

I went through a situation with my ex that, in the end, proved unfortunate for both of us, but more for her as she was and continues to be in love with me and the fantasy of a family life that simply didn't exist in reality. She couldn't move on and still has a difficult time doing so. She blames me for the break up. Throws out diagnoses to explain my behavior (purely based on her own short experience with me and aftermath of the breakup). No one else in world sees any of what she claims. She begs, cries and makes claims that I have destroyed her and her adopted children's lives by leaving with my own kids to get as far away from her (and frankly, her kids).

 

There are times we talk, text and no matter how much I would like to be civil, she will turn toxic. But you know what? Though I have some lingering feelings of guilt, only lingering, I look at my own children, happy, doing well at school, playing instruments, coming in the top 5 in the geography bee, etc. and I know I did the right thing. I have my crap together and I am doing it for my kids...for me. And I'm doing a pretty good job of it. I have incredibly supportive parents, family and friends. I try my best to not let the past or the specters of the past derail my continued efforts to move forward and with purpose. I know that if I could go back and the decision to leave was, again, present, I would do it again.

 

You do the same. Press forward for yourself and your child. Get away from him and do what you can shed the specter that is your husband (ex). Don't let hate cloud your judgment or purpose and as for me, that hate will be replaced by confidence and hope. Don't let him or anyone else tell you that you are less than the strong person you are.

 

It some ways, it is all about forgiving yourself so that you can move on. Far too often, we allow ourselves to be trapped by our own fears, guilt.

 

Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

All that to say, I HATE THIS MAN WITH A FIERY PASSION.

 

This was after I found out he had been sexting other women while I was undergoing intense medical procedures and he swore he'd stop... and my dumb butt married him despite him cheating on me while we dated. (Hello?! I should have left him then!)

 

I find many of the most painful wounds in my life have been self-inflicted. Poor choices, bad judgment, outright stupidity - I've been guilty of them all.

 

AWS, afraid in this case you've drunk from the same cup. He couldn't have more clearly shown you who he was prenuptially had he bound the pictures in a coffee table book. And yet you married - and had a child with him - anyway.

 

I'd guess, deep down inside, you're really mad at yourself. However angry you are with him, you're more frustrated with yourself for being sucked into his lies and cheating. And I'll bet the whole time, you tuned out the voice in your head whispering "don't".

 

As others have already pointed out, the person you need to forgive is you, he really matters not. If you're not in therapy, I'd talk to someone, even if just a few times. You'll find there's ways to frame - and learn from - this that will help you going forward. Best of luck - and stay off those motorcycles ...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited January 19, 2017 by Mr. Lucky

[AWomanScorned]

I think you guys are right about forgiving myself. The cancer I had was breast cancer and it took away a lot of my self-confidence and self-worth when I had all my chemo and surgeries (and still need more to this day). I thought he was the only one who'd love me or be attracted to me after all of that, but I've found that to be false. Even though things were rocky, especially at the end, I was always the one who wanted to fix it and I looked at the silver lining, hoping he'd settle down and be the man he said he wanted to be. He puts on a great facade to others outside of the situation and it was difficult to realize that what I saw behind those closed doors was the real him. Maybe a lot of this anger is my projection on him for the way I allowed myself to feel and be walked on, rather than leaving when I should have. I never wanted a divorce - thought we'd work through the alcoholism with counseling, but the straw was the OW. Having been there before, I knew I couldn't handle it and would never trust him again. Since I posted, I'm working on redirecting. Every time I want to be bitchy, I'm telling my loved ones I love and appreciate them or looking at pictures of my child. I'm working on being a better version of me, even considering going back to college for a master's degree. I'm just having a hard time with the forgiveness for him because it wrecked my whole world.... but then again, someone told me that I beat two cancers, one I didn't even know I had, so there's that. I wish forgiveness didn't have to be a process for me.... wish it were like a switch that I could turn on and that's that.

[Steen719]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. What a sorry SOB he is.

 

I know this sounds trite, but sometimes just reading something can change you. When I was going through leaving and divorcing my XH, I resented him so much that I lived and breathed it every day. I felt that I had done so much for him (he was ill, very ill, and eventually had a transplant) through the years we were together and had stayed through one infidelity. Anyway...I was consumed with my anger and resentment and I fed on it. It did not make me happy, or satisfied, but there it was...always present.

 

I read on here one day that having that sort of resentment was like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It struck me that I was mad, unhappy and resentful and that he was out there doing what he wanted and could not have cared less that I was mad and hurt. The person who was suffering was me and I was prolonging it by this resentment.

 

It wasn't immediate, but I did begin to let go of it and it started with that thought. I eventually forgave him - for me. He didn't understand how I could forgive him and of course, he didn't understand that it was for me. but I didn't care what he understood. I felt better. You will, too.

 

Congratulations on beating cancer. You are strong and your child needs you. So, do your best to love yourself and concentrate on the good future you can have. Go back to school for your master's degree and be happy and healthy. All of us make mistakes, errors in judgment. You are not alone in that, for sure. Don't beat yourself up over that - just move forward and make it about you and your child.

 

Good luck to you.

[AWomanScorned]

I'm livid that my soon to be ex Husband is so financially irresponsible that my credit has taken a huge hit after 6 months of him not paying mortgage, despite him moving the OW in with him and her three kids. They've had new tattoos, purchased dive classes, spend excessively on booze, build a bear and his Harley, but the check for court-mandated child support is hot? (Oh and this is the first once I've received since court, but he owes for more than that.) Our child is an infant and childcare is expensive. I've even had to pick up extra work to make ends meet with no help from this loser at all. I'm ready for him to be held accountable because it's obvious he's not responsible. Any advice for how to get what is due?

[stillafool]

What do you mean the check is hot? If he is delinquent you should take him back to court. They will come on his job and arrest him.

[AWomanScorned]

He wrote a check that I tried to cash but couldn't because he spent all his money. He told me I need to cash the check when I get it. I tried to cash it the same day, but the money wasn't there. This is the second hot check I've received from him. I told him he has till Thursday to make it right with a money order and include the next round of support or I will turn it over to a higher authority.

[stillafool]

I think you guys are right about forgiving myself.

 

I think people meant to forgive him. Forgiveness is not to help him but to help you move forward and eventually indifference. As long as you hang onto the bitterness you can never move forward. It sounds like you have been through a lot but with forgiveness you will get better.

[alistinks1003]

I agree, you can forgive him but that doesn't mean you have to like him or be his friend. My ex annoys me but I have forgiven his awful behavior. We are civil to each other but that's as far as it goes. I will never be his friend again.