I give up with everything...

[LightWave93]

I hate life. I really do. Everything just falls to pieces and I can't do anything about it.

 

I do everything I can to make good friends or get a date. Literally everyone I know tells me "you're a fantastic guy with so much potential", "you're attractive", "you're lovely" and yet I'm a complete outcast. Few people speak to me unless they need something, I can't get a date to save my life, and all my attempts to expand my social circle, to develop myself etc are all for nothing.

 

I mean I work five jobs whilst also being a full-time student for Christ sake. I go to the gym, I play sport, I create art work, I attend social meets...and yet I just can't connect with people. Even on the internet, where up until today I was a member of a community where I was staff and offered a lot of advice to people (which was seemingly appreciated), I could just not make friends. Yet I hear the same thing every time. "There's nothing wrong with you". I hear it from therapists, from family too. Yet I just don't fit in anywhere, and I feel so alone.

 

Dropping the jobs, and going to stop going to social meets and what not. There is literally no point because no one can tell me what the flying **** I am doing wrong. I am just an outcast and it's all I'll ever be.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hey Lightwave, how old are you? Sometimes it takes time for a complex personality to figure out how to fit into the world. You sound multi dimensional with many varied interests. Also, you were part of an online community where you took time to give advice and help others so sounds as if you're sensitive and caring. Life can be tough for sensitive people but when you get it all figured out, which you will, you will be a great blessing to others who need understanding and encouragement.

 

It's all going to be OK. Try practicing forgetting about what others are going to give you back when you're kind to them and just enjoy the company of whomever comes into your world, even if for very brief times!

[mightycpa]

Do you ever invite anybody anywhere? Try to get your social circles to intersect? Do you ever do anything fun that people can just show up to?

 

For example,

 

going to the gym is kind of a horrible place to make friends

 

playing sports, let's pretend soccer, then either you belong to a team or you go there for the express purpose of playing soccer, but it's not really a social event

 

creating art work, that's not really a social event either, and it sounds like it could be a solitary pursuit

 

attending social meets, this might be a good place to invite your soccer pals, or your art buddies, if there is such a thing. it's always better to go to a social event as part of a group, even if you're a bit of an outsider with them

 

good luck making real friends on the internet... worse than the gym

 

5 jobs sounds like you're spread too thin, not in one place enough to make any real connections, given that most other people have but one job. they're going to be tighter, you'll be the occasional guy

 

So, for all your activities, I can see why you're still isolated. This is what they told us in my first few jobs. When it comes to joining professional organizations, don't join many. Join one or two, and become deeply involved in one. That's how people get to know you.

 

The same is true for social stuff. You've got to work on being an insider, and by work, I mean you have to be the one who gets things started.

 

For example, I play tennis once a week. I constantly invite people to go out for beers after. Some do and some don't. I go early to watch the people on the court before me, and I've gotten to know them. I've introduced myself and invited the people on the courts to the left and right of me. I've done the work, and I know some people now through those people. Are they friends? No, not exactly, but I don't feel isolated either.

[ZA Dater]

I hate life. I really do. Everything just falls to pieces and I can't do anything about it.

 

I do everything I can to make good friends or get a date. Literally everyone I know tells me "you're a fantastic guy with so much potential", "you're attractive", "you're lovely" and yet I'm a complete outcast. Few people speak to me unless they need something, I can't get a date to save my life, and all my attempts to expand my social circle, to develop myself etc are all for nothing.

 

I mean I work five jobs whilst also being a full-time student for Christ sake. I go to the gym, I play sport, I create art work, I attend social meets...and yet I just can't connect with people. Even on the internet, where up until today I was a member of a community where I was staff and offered a lot of advice to people (which was seemingly appreciated), I could just not make friends. Yet I hear the same thing every time. "There's nothing wrong with you". I hear it from therapists, from family too. Yet I just don't fit in anywhere, and I feel so alone.

 

Dropping the jobs, and going to stop going to social meets and what not. There is literally no point because no one can tell me what the flying **** I am doing wrong. I am just an outcast and it's all I'll ever be.

 

I can relate to a probably all of this to varying degrees. Not that its going to make you feel better but there are lots of people who feel like you do, I do a fair amount of the time.

 

For me the bold part is the hardest, the things which give me joy are all pretty unattainable and somehow like you I don't seem to fit in with people on a social level.

 

Solutions. Well trying to keep busy works and it doesn't because ultimately that lonely feeling never goes away when you finish whatever you are doing.

 

What do you really love, what are you passionate about?

[LightWave93]

No matter where I go I don't meet people. No one wants to be around me.

 

That's why I've given up.

[mightycpa]

That's why I've given up.

OK, but these two things:

 

No matter where I go I don't meet people. No one wants to be around me.

 

Literally everyone I know tells me "you're a fantastic guy with so much potential", "you're attractive", "you're lovely" and yet I'm a complete outcast.

They don't reconcile. Are you being flattered because you're really an ugly a**hole of a loser and your mom is trying to make you feel better?

 

I mean, I'm a fairly normal guy who has likely reached whatever potential I will ever reach, I'm no hideous creature, but I'm old enough to have lost my turn-head looks, I'm reasonably nice, but can be ascerbic too and yet I'm welcomed by the crowd.

 

So, my first observation would be that what you say makes no sense. My second observation would be that the things you mentioned may not matter if there's something else. Do you have three eyes? No legs? Are you 3 feet tall? Got nothing to say to people? What?

 

Surely you've gotten some sincere and hurtful feedback...

[LightWave93]

OK, but these two things:

 

They don't reconcile. Are you being flattered because you're really an ugly a**hole of a loser and your mom is trying to make you feel better?

 

I mean, I'm a fairly normal guy who has likely reached whatever potential I will ever reach, I'm no hideous creature, but I'm old enough to have lost my turn-head looks, I'm reasonably nice, but can be ascerbic too and yet I'm welcomed by the crowd.

 

So, my first observation would be that what you say makes no sense. My second observation would be that the things you mentioned may not matter if there's something else. Do you have three eyes? No legs? Are you 3 feet tall? Got nothing to say to people? What?

 

Surely you've gotten some sincere and hurtful feedback...

 

Sorry, that's all I have. Both online and off, those are the comments I receive.

[mightycpa]

Ok, if you're so awesome, why are you in therapy?

 

That reminds me of a joke told by Andrew Clay:

 

Hey doc, I have trouble making friends, you c*cksucker!

 

Anyway, maybe you can hire a therapist or two to do some fieldwork, go out on the town with you and observe whatever it is you're doing wrong.

 

Something's wrong.

[ZA Dater]

OK, but these two things:

 

They don't reconcile. Are you being flattered because you're really an ugly a**hole of a loser and your mom is trying to make you feel better?

 

I mean, I'm a fairly normal guy who has likely reached whatever potential I will ever reach, I'm no hideous creature, but I'm old enough to have lost my turn-head looks, I'm reasonably nice, but can be ascerbic too and yet I'm welcomed by the crowd.

 

So, my first observation would be that what you say makes no sense. My second observation would be that the things you mentioned may not matter if there's something else. Do you have three eyes? No legs? Are you 3 feet tall? Got nothing to say to people? What?

 

Surely you've gotten some sincere and hurtful feedback...

 

 

Firstly people don't give hurtful feedback generally, its easier for them to sow false illusions of hope rather than deliver damming narrative.

[LightWave93]

Ok, if you're so awesome, why are you in therapy?

 

Firstly, not my words; other people's.

 

Secondly, I'm no longer in therapy. I was. I saw six therapists and all of them tried to reassure me I was a great guy etc.

 

Whatever it is, I don't know. I deleted 150 people of my FB friends list yesterday. I just can't be arsed anymore. I've for what seems like an eternity to be able to make good friends, go out on dates etc and nothing I do works.

 

I may as well just end things.

[ZA Dater]

Firstly, not my words; other people's.

 

Secondly, I'm no longer in therapy. I was. I saw six therapists and all of them tried to reassure me I was a great guy etc.

 

Whatever it is, I don't know. I deleted 150 people of my FB friends list yesterday. I just can't be arsed anymore. I've for what seems like an eternity to be able to make good friends, go out on dates etc and nothing I do works.

 

I may as well just end things.

 

 

This is not the solution at all. The solution is to find something to feel happy about, it could be anything at all, something mundane, a good meal, nice weather, just something.

 

 

Life isn't fair and unfortunately a great many of us find ourselves cast out as you are. I do not think one should give up but I do think one should find ways to replace what everyone else seems to find easily. For me its writing, I do feel better expressing thoughts through the written word and I do tend to be quite selfless because then I feel like I matter to someone some of the time.

 

 

Hang in there.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Lightwave, did you notice my post? I ask because you didn't comment on it. Sometimes posts get lost amongst other posts, I know, so you may have missed mine.

 

I asked how old you are? Possibly you posted it and I missed it.

 

Why not do something nice everyday for someone, without expecting anything back, including friendship. In fact, why not do some of those things incognito, so no one knows who did it? Here's my point, trying to make people like you doesn't seem to be working for you. Why not quit trying to make friends and just try to make other peoples' lives more pleasant in little ways (or big ways if you'd rather! ).

Then move on without expecting even a thank you. Maybe pay for the guy's meal behind you at a fast food restaurant. Things like that. Do things without expecting anything back and do some of those things for people who will never find out you're the one who did it.

 

Also, what activities do you enjoy?

Edited January 19, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[whichwayisup]

Don't end things and don't give up.

 

Find a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT, google it.

 

Your life is a circle (or that which came first the chicken or the egg) and nothing will change especially with the attitude you have. I know you can't help it or help how you feel, letting the negative thoughts get to you so much isn't a good thing. CBT can help you turn that around and build up your self confidence.

 

Volunteer somewhere, give. Homeless shelter or a food donation bank. Maybe things won't seem half as bad and you'll see how much you do have to life for.

[LightWave93]

Lightwave, did you notice my post? I ask because you didn't comment on it. Sometimes posts get lost amongst other posts, I know, so you may have missed mine.

 

I asked how old you are? Possibly you posted it and I missed it.

 

Why not do something nice everyday for someone, without expecting anything back, including friendship. In fact, why not do some of those things incognito, so no one knows who did it? Here's my point, trying to make people like you doesn't seem to be working for you. Why not quit trying to make friends and just try to make other peoples' lives more pleasant in little ways (or big ways if you'd rather! ).

Then move on without expecting even a thank you. Maybe pay for the guy's meal behind you at a fast food restaurant. Things like that. Do things without expecting anything back and do some of those things for people who will never find out you're the one who did it.

 

Also, what activities do you enjoy?

 

I'm 23. I've worked four volunteer roles in the space of a year, I think I've done enough of "giving something" to people.

 

Plenty. Anything to do with the outdoors, arts, technology, etc. Always open to trying new things too.

 

Don't end things and don't give up.

 

Find a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT, google it.

 

Your life is a circle (or that which came first the chicken or the egg) and nothing will change especially with the attitude you have. I know you can't help it or help how you feel, letting the negative thoughts get to you so much isn't a good thing. CBT can help you turn that around and build up your self confidence.

 

Volunteer somewhere, give. Homeless shelter or a food donation bank. Maybe things won't seem half as bad and you'll see how much you do have to life for.

 

See above in regards to volunteering. For what it's worth I've accumulated almost 500 hours in the past year alone.

 

Got booted from CBT therapy because they believed it wouldn't help me.

[whichwayisup]

Find another therapist. Something IS wrong, and I believe much of it is the energy you put out there without knowing it. Confidence level isn't there due to your experiences and you're hard on yourself.

 

I don't understand when one goes to counseling, opens up and explains the issues, how on earth can any therapist say there's nothing wrong with you?

 

WE ALL are a work in progress! I'm far from perfect and know my flaws, know what I need to work on. It's continuous.

 

Don't give up and don't do something that you can't undo.

[LightWave93]

Find another therapist. Something IS wrong, and I believe much of it is the energy you put out there without knowing it. Confidence level isn't there due to your experiences and you're hard on yourself.

 

I don't understand when one goes to counseling, opens up and explains the issues, how on earth can any therapist say there's nothing wrong with you?

 

WE ALL are a work in progress! I'm far from perfect and know my flaws, know what I need to work on. It's continuous.

 

Don't give up and don't do something that you can't undo.

 

I've seen six of them and can't go ahead for a period of time.

 

But yeah, at this point I've just given up. Wasted too much time and energy trying to find out and I guess I'll have to accept this lackluster life.

[mightycpa]

Firstly people don't give hurtful feedback generally, its easier for them to sow false illusions of hope rather than deliver damming narrative.

Dude, I'm awesome, and believe me, I've gotten valuable non-complimentary feedback! So don't try to sell me that.

 

What does it say about someone if NOBODY has offered at least some constructive feedback in their life? Off the top of my head:

 

Either you don't have any real confidants in your life, that is to say, you're not close to anybody

 

OR

 

The people you know perceive a fragility, and they don't dare risk telling you the truth for fear of you not being able to handle it.

 

Neither of those is good. I can't really think of anything else.

 

Maybe, in order to get the feedback everybody needs once in a while, you need to get a little ignorant with people.... make them feel uncomfortable or bad even, so that they open up to you.

 

I'm just spitballin' here, but I am shocked that NOBODY in your life would have ever sat you down and started out with "I'm going to tell you this for your own good...." I mean, nobody is perfect, right?

[ZA Dater]

Dude, I'm awesome, and believe me, I've gotten valuable non-complimentary feedback! So don't try to sell me that.

 

What does it say about someone if NOBODY has offered at least some constructive feedback in their life? Off the top of my head:

 

Either you don't have any real confidants in your life, that is to say, you're not close to anybody

 

OR

 

The people you know perceive a fragility, and they don't dare risk telling you the truth for fear of you not being able to handle it.

 

Neither of those is good. I can't really think of anything else.

 

Maybe, in order to get the feedback everybody needs once in a while, you need to get a little ignorant with people.... make them feel uncomfortable or bad even, so that they open up to you.

 

I'm just spitballin' here, but I am shocked that NOBODY in your life would have ever sat you down and started out with "I'm going to tell you this for your own good...." I mean, nobody is perfect, right?

 

 

People generally shy away from the hard questions, much like they shy away from as you say harsh critique. I really believe the OP would be a better situation if people has given him constructive critique. As people we do what we feel is right but not always what is right for the other person.

 

 

Its very easy to go through life with no confidants. I suspect the OP ha s a complex personality which isn't easily read but I also think the defeatist approach has leaked into how he presents. I am going to say this, its OK to do that. Yes, you wont get results but you need to share that emotion somehow and I often wish people would see that as a cry for help and offer something constructive because its not a difficult problem to solve. I can tell you now if I set up the OP with someone great tomorrow his self confidence would come back, his defeatist attitude would disappear.

 

 

Its not rocket science but people don't do it for whatever reason. Its easier to preach "change this, change that" but you can do that till you are blue in the face and nothing will change, change doesn't inspire confidence. The only way is to find success, that will bring back confidence and bring back a sense of winning(I hate that word by the way).

 

 

I fully understand how the OP arrived at this point. My mission is life is to build people up, help then to experience some success because its amazing how being valued, appreciated can really transform a person. The irony is I feel much like the OP does much of the time.

 

 

OP I really do wish you find some success because its a really tough road you are on.