Husband may leave me. Homosexual/Bixsexual

[thetigress]

So last week was amazing, but Sunday was the most horrible day ever. Turns out my husband had been trying to reconnect with me and it was wonderful. We had been feeling some disconnect lately. I thought it was because of my injury and having to live with my parents. It's just taken it's toll on us.

A little bit of background on us we have been deconstructing our faith and trying to hold on to it(Christians). We found a church that is helping us walk through our doubts. Part of our doubts have come around the issue of homosexuality and whether it's sinful or not. We are both leaning towards that it's not sinful especially in a committed relationship. I came out to my husband as bisexual(about 2 months ago) but for me that didn't change our relationship. I was still fully committed to him I just formally recognized my attraction to women. We talked about it a lot and my husband said at one point that he would rather have an open marriage than get divorced. I assured him I did not want an open marriage that I only wanted him. I did sort of mourn not having figured out my sexuality earlier in life as I am much more attracted to women that I am to men but I had not need or desire to leave our relationship to engage in that. I love our marriage and our life and I'm not interested in any form of polyamory. I'm a one person kind of woman. I just cant share. I don't think you can be fully committed to multiple people. (this was more than a month ago and my husband had been working through his own sexuality but hadn't put any labels on it but he admitted he was attracted to men)

 

Flash forward to Sunday and I don't even remember what he said first but he said he was more attracted to men than to women. He was kind of stumbling around it and I said, "No I understand I mean I didn't mean it to be hurtful to you when I told you I was more attracted to women than men. So I understand what you are trying to say" and then he dropped the bomb. That no that wasn't what he was trying to say, but he was trying to say he thinks he might be gay. I don't remember what all was said. I was so shocked and he said he doesn't have everything figured out, but that he's trying to figure out if that's true what that means for us. So I told him, "I know when I told you I was bisexual you offered open marriage but I just can't do the same" and he said "I know." I sat quiet for a long time, we were driving home from church. I told him I didn't know how to respond. I was trying to decide because I didn't want to create a point of tension that would push him to have an affair and hide things from me. I finally took the plunge though and told him "I would rather be separated than find out you are having an affair." I couldn't even bring my self to say divorce. I lost it and started crying quietly. We were still driving home. I stayed quiet the rest of the way home.

 

He said a lot of things and most of them were very hurtful but I don't think he meant it that way. Because as he said at one point he hadn't really processed any of it. He said this was why he wanted to see a counselor (he told me this last week) We found a way for him to get to see a counselor last night. He said a lot of things and I finally said, "I can't hear anything except you might be leaving me" and I started crying and he reached over and hugged me and said " I don't want to" and I responded "But does that change the fact that you might" and he didn't say anything. At one point (sorry it so jumbled in my mind I don't remember the order of it all) well several different versions of this statement "I don't want to leave what we have because I know it's what everyone is looking for. I feel guilty that everyone is so jealous of our relationship and that I'm thinking about leaving it. What if I make this huge mistake and this is the best I'll ever find" I sat for moment after the final time he said something of that nature and said, "Its hurtful to know that if you knew for sure you could have what we have with a man you would leave me" Started crying again. and he said "I hadn't thought about that" He said he wished he hadn't brought it up until he had more answers and had been to counseling. I don't know if I would have preferred that. I let him know that I can't be in limbo land forever and that if he decides to stay I need him to fully commit. Not just decide to stay for now but to give up the idea of leaving because I can't go back and forth. I also told him that this wasn't ever suppose to be a question. I thought to myself angrily and upset that he's promised me so many times that he wouldn't leave me (my mom has been divorced twice and it was around those conversations) I finally reached this place of not being afraid of him leaving and now it's shattered. I'm shattered.

 

I don't know what to do. I thought about asking for a separation while he makes his decision but I'm worried that will push him to leave me. I don't know how to respond to him. I don't know if I can be intimate with him right now. I told him that this morning when he was trying to be playful. That I'm torn about being intimate because I don't want to push him away and make him feel more disconnected but I just don't know if I can right now. and He said "I know there's a wedge, I did that. I wish I hadn't" I told him I was really torn. He said it's okay and he understands. I haven't mentioned a possible separation. I'm unable to work so for a separation to work I would need to go stay with family or him go stay with family. I know if I bring it up he will be against the idea because that would mean more people would know his secret or possibly know it but I don't know if I can be here with him right now. With this constant question over us. I lean more towards being separated and thinking his is leaving because then I won't be so shocked if he does decide that , because if I just act like everything is normal and he decides to leave how will I cope?

 

I don't know what to do.

 

I asked him Sunday night why he though he might be gay in stead of bisexual and he took awhile to answer me but that he feels like he suppressed himself so much growing up because being gay was the worst thing that could happen in his circle. So I asked if I am attractive to him and he said yes that his attraction to me has grown over time and he is very attracted to me. So I told him that was confusing because that's not gay if anything thats bisexual. That still doesn't change the fact he might leave because of this want/desire to experience a same-sex relationship.I asked him if he enjoyed sex with me and he said yes of course very much. I left that small additional conversation just more confused but some what hopeful that he wasn't faking our sexual encounters.

 

I know that a question might be what our frequency looks like. At the beginning of our marriage we had sex multiple times a day. we moved to 4-5 times a week as a normal and then I had a back injury and sex got very infrequent. As I have been healing we have been able to maintain once a week. And most frequently as I'm getting a lot better we have been able to return to 3-4 times a week.

 

 

Mostly is it totally crazy to think of a separation?

 

After we got home my husband went to go make dinner and I went to the restroom. Before our marriage I had issues with self-harm. I have been tempted off and on but I've been able to practice good coping skills and not self-harm during stressful times. I have also been suicidal in the past and concerning my injury I had mentioned that if this most recent therapy didn't work and I ended up with a chronic issue I would probably be suicidal, because I couldn't imagine continuing to live with pain daily with no end or relief. I have been depressed off and on throughout the year dealing with my injury and I have been honest with my husband about that. I knew being silent about it would only make is stronger.

 

So he was worried I was in the restroom so long. I assured him I was fine and I wasn't doing anything. When I was done in the restroom I went to lay down in the bed as I was devastated and couldn't handle just sitting up in the living room waiting on dinner. I needed a moment alone to process my pain. I heard my husband kind of frantically saying my name in the hallway and I called out "I'm in here" and he said my name again and asked if I was okay and so I said "I'm in the bedroom"

 

He came in and was visibly shaken and said he had heard something and thought I had fallen. I said no I don't know what that was I've been in here. I could tell he was worried. He hugged me and I said "I'm okay, I'm sad but I'm not suicidal" and he started to cry and said he still cared about me. He said when he heard the crash noise he thought the worst. He said he was glad I wasn't suicidal. He was still crying. We hugged for a few moments. He tried to compose himself to go make dinner again.

 

So I mean I know he does care for me. As far as I see it he really does love me on some level even though he is contemplating giving all this up. It's just so surreal. UGH.

 

 

I do feel quite hopeless as I'm on the receiving end of all of this. I'm grateful for my husbands honesty but I'm at a loss of what I should be doing. Great reason to start counseling ASAP. I've asked that we not have sex at least until after I get into counseling. He said that was understandable. I don't know what I want right now. I told him to please not misconstrue any of my boundaries during this time as me wanting to leave or me trying to punish him. That when he is all in again I will be all in with him. He says he knows.

I don't want to create unnecessary space but I'm also very hurt and confused and I can't act like this isn't happening.

 

I feel hopeless because I have to wait on him to decide. It's gut wrenching.

[whichwayisup]

Neither of you will want to spend the rest of your lives together now knowing you prefer women and he prefers men. This isn't about love, this is about sexual preference and neither of you prefer the opposite sex. This will be an issue and eventually one or both of you will cheat if not sexually then emotionally.

 

Do you have children to consider in all this? If not, separate. No need to rush to a divorce but wouldn't you want a partner you connect with on all levels? Same goes for him. Settling isn't good for either of you.

[thetigress]

Neither of you will want to spend the rest of your lives together now knowing you prefer women and he prefers men. This isn't about love, this is about sexual preference and neither of you prefer the opposite sex. This will be an issue and eventually one or both of you will cheat if not sexually then emotionally.

 

Do you have children to consider in all this? If not, separate. No need to rush to a divorce but wouldn't you want a partner you connect with on all levels? Same goes for him. Settling isn't good for either of you.

 

We don't have children but why wouldn't it be about love? I'm bisexual so I can be attracted to both sexes. He admits he is attracted to me and enjoys sex with me. That's why I'm confused about him saying he might be gay and not bisexual.

 

I mean on my end I definitely don't see it as settling. I do connect with him on all levels. I'm generally attracted to more women than men but when I am attracted to a man it's not any less than a women I'm attracted to. Theres' just very few men who fit the bill so to speak.

 

I can't speak for him though.

[stillafool]

Once he has sex with a man and he will (as told to me by gay men and bi men); sex with a woman just won't compare. I think your husband already knows this and that's why he can't say he will stay. How can you be more attracted to women than men but never experience sex with one. Your husband is more realistic and knows he will have sex with men. More than likely he will fall in love with one of them.

[Mittens]

Once he has sex with a man and he will (as told to me by gay men and bi men); sex with a woman just won't compare.

 

Well if that's the case my bisexual fiance has been faking his orgasms during sex with me for the last 8 years

 

However, I do think you are both kidding yourselves here regarding the future of your marriage. If you had both fully explored your sexuality (like my fiance) and then made a choice to be together than yes, your marriage may have continued happily. But in my opinion there's a good chance that one of you will ultimately need to experience sex with the gender you are most attracted to.

 

I will also add that if your husband is sexually attracted and enjoys sex with women, then he is indeed bisexual, not gay. Being bisexual does not mean that there is a 50/50 split in your levels of attraction...you can be more attracted to one sex but still have successful relationships with the other.

[stillafool]

Well if that's the case my bisexual fiance has been faking his orgasms during sex with me for the last 8 years

 

.

 

I never said bi men don't enjoy sex with women but I've been told by bi men that the sex they have with men is more intense than with women. It just doesn't compare.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel hopeless because I have to wait on him to decide. It's gut wrenching.

 

No real insight into your situation as I have no experience with it.

 

But your post doesn't indicate you're giving him the same consideration regarding his revelation he's given yours. You seem to have projected several assumptions on him he may not have concluded on his own.

 

Maybe you're just ahead of him in the process of figuring out the impact of your sexual preferences on your marriage. I'd give things time and involve a counselor specializing in these issues...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited January 19, 2017 by Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

We don't have children but why wouldn't it be about love? I'm bisexual so I can be attracted to both sexes. He admits he is attracted to me and enjoys sex with me. That's why I'm confused about him saying he might be gay and not bisexual.

 

I mean on my end I definitely don't see it as settling. I do connect with him on all levels. I'm generally attracted to more women than men but when I am attracted to a man it's not any less than a women I'm attracted to. Theres' just very few men who fit the bill so to speak.

 

I can't speak for him though.

 

If he is gay eventually he will not want to have sex with you. Sorry but maybe some women can live without sex or settle to keep their lives intact an by staying in a M or R like yours, but someday he will want a man and once he gets that, there's no going back especially if he isn't bi.

[thetigress]

No real insight into your situation as I have no experience with it.

 

But your post doesn't indicate you're giving him the same consideration regarding his revelation he's given yours. You seem to have projected several assumptions on him he may not have concluded on his own.

 

Maybe you're just ahead of him in the process of figuring out the impact of your sexual preferences on your marriage. I'd give things time and involve a counselor specializing in these issues...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Can you elaborate? What assumptions have I made and what consideration have I not given? I'm blind to what you are implying.

 

Thanks

 

Definitely going to counseling. I have an appointment for tomorrow

[thetigress]

If he is gay eventually he will not want to have sex with you. Sorry but maybe some women can live without sex or settle to keep their lives intact an by staying in a M or R like yours, but someday he will want a man and once he gets that, there's no going back especially if he isn't bi.

 

I definitely wouldn't want a sexless marriage. I really personally think he is Bi. Just based on how much sex we have and his admission that he likes having sex with me. (that's why I'm super confused at the idea of him being gay and not Bi)

 

He's promised to be honest with me. He's never lied to me before and we've been through a lot together so I believe him. So if he does realize he is gay or realize he can't live without relations with men, he's going to tell me and we'll separate/divorce.

 

[lana-banana]

How old are you and how long have you been married?

[thetigress]

How old are you and how long have you been married?

 

I'm 28 and we've been married almost 3 years. We have known each other for 6 years.

[Mr. Lucky]

Can you elaborate? What assumptions have I made and what consideration have I not given? I'm blind to what you are implying.

 

This for instance:

 

S

I know that a question might be what our frequency looks like. At the beginning of our marriage we had sex multiple times a day. we moved to 4-5 times a week as a normal and then I had a back injury and sex got very infrequent. As I have been healing we have been able to maintain once a week. And most frequently as I'm getting a lot better we have been able to return to 3-4 times a week.

 

Mostly is it totally crazy to think of a separation?

 

He affirms his attraction to you, your sex life is good and yet your next thought is of separation.

 

Did he propose separation when you came out to him? He seemed to assume your marriage would work. You seem to be assuming it won't...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thetigress]

This for instance:

 

 

 

He affirms his attraction to you, your sex life is good and yet your next thought is of separation.

 

Did he propose separation when you came out to him? He seemed to assume your marriage would work. You seem to be assuming it won't...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think you missed some things or I did not convey them well enough.

 

The biggest thing is he doesn't know that he can give up the possibility of being with a man. When I came out he proposed open marriage which I declined. When he said he didn't know what this would mean for us I told him I still didn't want an open marriage and if he wants to be with men then we can't stay together.

 

So he is in the process of deciding if he can forsake all others for our union. If he can't he said he will let me know as he doesn't want to have an affair. He wants to be up front and honest with me. If he can't give up the possibility of being with a man then we will separate/divorce and he will pursue a relationship with a man.

 

So yes I'm upset and worried our marriage will end. It's all in his court. I wanted to know if a separation while he figures out himself would be appropriate or an over reaction.

 

I've decided against a separation for the time being. But we aren't having sex because to me that full commitment needs to be there for me to be that vulnerable. He's understanding and supportive of that decision. I had my first counseling session and he's in the process of making an appt.

[BluesPower]

So thetigress, I guess that you are saying that even though you know you are bisexual, you would not entertain the idea of being with a woman either?

 

And, I gather also that you are not willing to allow other people in your marriage (male of female) under any circumstances.

 

A lot of people feel that way and it is completely understandable. But there are a lot of couples where either one or both of them are bisexual and they allow some type of swinging or open relationship so that they can both get their needs met on other levels.

 

It is not that unusual. And I am not saying that you should get involved with any of that if you are not comfortable with it.

 

But do you worry that you will be temped to be with a woman at some point. I mean if the urge is there, it will probably not go away.

[thetigress]

So thetigress, I guess that you are saying that even though you know you are bisexual, you would not entertain the idea of being with a woman either?

 

And, I gather also that you are not willing to allow other people in your marriage (male of female) under any circumstances.

 

A lot of people feel that way and it is completely understandable. But there are a lot of couples where either one or both of them are bisexual and they allow some type of swinging or open relationship so that they can both get their needs met on other levels.

 

It is not that unusual. And I am not saying that you should get involved with any of that if you are not comfortable with it.

 

But do you worry that you will be temped to be with a woman at some point. I mean if the urge is there, it will probably not go away.

 

I don't understand why it would be an issue. I'm committed to him. I mourned not having the space to explore my sexuality at a younger age but I wouldnt want to give up what I have with my husband to experience that. I'm forsaking all others for him. Men and Women.

 

I mean in hetero relationships people have attractions but that doesn't mean they "have" to cheat.

 

I've thought it through. I don't want an open marriage and I don't want to leave my marriage.

 

He is thinking it through. I'm in agony while that happens.