I Need Help

[Magi-Raistlin]

First let me tell you a little bit about myself and my relationship:

 

 

I am 22 years old, and will be graduating from college in December if all goes well. I've been dating my Fiancée for about 5 years now. We took a 6 month break a couple of years ago because she needed to figure out if she still loved me. Of course I was heart broken. It took me about 4 months to recuperate to the point where I felt like I could start going out again. As soon as I was emotionally strong enough to move on she came running back to me. I took her back immediately. I proposed to her just this past January. Things were going pretty well. We had moved in together, and were having a great time.

 

 

Then we started having problems. I was getting pretty far in my major, early childhood, and was making some good friends. A lot of these friends just so happened to be females. After all I am an education major. The most guys I've had in a core related course has been 6, and I've had a couple classes where I was the only male. My fiancée is very overprotective and also quite clingy. At first I would come home and tell her about my day. At first things were fine. Then one day she finally told me that she didn't like the fact that I was becoming friends with all of these females. She stated that she didn't think it was appropriate for me to befriend these young ladies. Of course I was shocked. I told her that I should be able to be friends with whomever I so desire. Needless to say it got really ugly, and we had more than a few arguments on this subject or related ones. It got to the point that I would stop telling her about my day so that I would avoid having a conflict with her. That didn't work because I would come home and she would ask me all sorts of questions about my day. I felt like I was being interrogated. I hated it. The fact that she was pulling the information out of me only led to more conflicts.

 

 

It finally got to the point that I said enough was enough. I told her that I had been unhappy for the past two months, and that I refused to live the rest of my life like that. I told her that if that meant parting ways then that was going to be what would occur. She then began to cry uncontrollably, and begged me not to leave. I told her that we would talk and try to work things out.

 

 

Things got better. However, then we had to actually move back to our home town to save money. We moved back in with our respective parents. Things have been a little stressful to say the least between the move, her finding a job, and trying to get on some sort of normal schedule. Now we have to spend a large amount of our time together with family members. I feel like I am always on the go. At first we were trying to see both families and get some alone time each day. However, it became quite clear that that was a near impossible task and that we would never get it to be just me and her. We then broke our nights up into a rotation system where we see each others parents only every other day. That seemed to alleviate some of the stress. However, my fiancée is very clingy, and she wants to spend every free moment of every day possible with me. I on the other hand will not go into withdraw if I don't see her for a few days. They say absence makes the heart fonder, but my heart can't grow fonder if I'm always with her.

 

 

Now I find myself not as happy as I once was, and I have begun to question whether I love her in a romantic sense. I do know without a doubt that I do still care about, but the question is just how? For the past couple of weeks I've been contemplating whether I should remain in my relationship, or if I should break up with her. I do not want to make a rash decision; however, we are starting to plan the wedding...I'd like to come to a conclusion soon. However, it's kinda difficult to do any serious thinking about my life if the only time I get to think about it is right before I go to bed. I also feel a pressure to remain with her for several reasons: 1) because we've been together for so long, 2) she has waited patiently for me to finish school so that she can pursue her education later (the community we lived in didn't offer anything that she was interested in, and 3) the thought of her being heartbroken. There might be more but I'm too tired to think anymore.

 

 

Then to throw in more drama...there is temptation. I find myself interested in another woman. She of course is one of the young women that I befriended in one of my classes at college. Part of me wants to leave my current relationship and try and pursue something with her. She just has one of those personalities that just jumps out at you. Come to think of it we both have very similar personalities. We're both very outgoing and friendly people. I ate lunch with her today, and I had a great time. Then when it was over I was actually saddened. We parted having given each other a big hug. We probably won’t see each other till school starts back up. I believe there is a mutual interest there. One reason is due to the one time that she met my fiancee at an end of the semester lunch/party she seemed very distant, and not quite herself. Which is quite odd for someone as out going and friendly as she is. Other than that I just get a vibe from her, I can't explain it further than that.

 

 

Depression does run in my family. Perhaps that’s all this is. Some days I’m good. Other days, it’s quite clear that I am not. I don’t want to say that it is depression. However, there are certainly some issues that would need to be revolved if I were to remain in my current relationship.

 

 

I don't know what to do...any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you

[Moai]

Whatever you do don't get married! If you don't love her anymore, you'll crush her even more.

 

It could be all the things that are going and the pressure are making you question things. That's normal, so let it happen. Whatever you do don't act on the feelings for this other woman, either! I'd avoid her as much as you can until you ge till all sorted out.

 

If yo have to break up with her then do it, but don't do it for someone else. Make a clean break FIRST, then go for someone else.

 

I'd give ti some time, though.

[New_Wife]

I think you are very wise to take a good look at your situation and decide you're not so sure you're going in the right direction. I didn't do that at your age and I came to regret it.

 

I agree with the last poster - getting married is not really what you want to do right now. Whether you break things off entirely, or just back it off slowly, is your call - but I don't think you should get married to someone you find clingy, jealous, and needy just to spend more time together thatn you currently are.

 

Take another year before you do anything permanent like marraige. If you are destined to be with this person for the rest of your days - one more year is nothing - a drop in the bucket.

[quankanne]

my vote is with the other two posters, because there are some red flags regarding your GF's behavior that popped up in your post:

 

• "she needed to figure out if she still loved me"

• "As soon as I was emotionally strong enough to move on, she came running back"

• "My fiancée is very overprotective and also quite clingy"

• "one day she finally told me that she didn't like the fact that I was becoming friends with all of these females"

• "she didn't think it was appropriate for me to befriend these young ladies"

• "I felt like I was being interrogated … the fact that she was pulling the information out of me only led to more conflicts"

• "she began to cry uncontrollably, and begged me not to leave"

• "my fiancée is very clingy, and she wants to spend every free moment of every day possible with me"

 

mind you, I don't have the needed insight to examine your relationship properly, but a lot of what you shared is bothersome.

 

while it's natural to want to be with the one you love as much as possible, part of love is knowing that you CAN be apart and be all right. That it's healthy to pursue friendships or make acquaintance with people of the opposite sex. But what I'm reading here is that your GF is immature in her outlook on relationships, that she uses clingy, dramatic behavior to keep your relationship going. Couple that with the fact that you've been dating since you were 17 – there's no room for growth allowed when she refuses to deal with things in a more mature manner, resorting to drama to ensure y'alls relationship.

 

you, on the other hand, seem to have continued in the maturing process as you've progressed through college and broadened your horizions by meeting new people. It's only natural after opening your worldview to question what you really want from life, not just stick with plans you made when you had fewer things to consider.

 

as upsetting as change can be, depression will really set in after you've made the decision to follow through with marriage, because you'd passed up a good opportunity to exit a relationship that wasn't as stable as you hoped. Now is the time to put a halt to the wedding plans and give yourself breathing space if you're having doubts about the relationship. Because as cold or hurtful as it may appear, you're doing the both of you a favor by addressing those doubts now, rather than years down the line when there are kids involved.

[organge]

Ha ha – I think the fiancé was fully right not to be comfortable with the authors friendship with all of those females…. You can see it for yourself – he now fancies one of them and is considering breaking up. And quite possibly she is clingy because she feels unsure of his commitment (and rightly so)

 

There is never a clean cut in relationships – you (author) does not seem to appreciate your girlfriend and still hold the grudge about her dumping you some time ago. If you cannot get over it – tell her. Break up with her, but don’t start all these complaints etc so you can appeal to others sympathy. Take your responsibility – explain her the situation (if you have enough courage). In the end of the day you just owe it to her – when she was not sure about your relationship she did communicate it to you and had courage to break up and most probably did not flirt on your back.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by organge

Ha ha – I think the fiancé was fully right not to be comfortable with the authors friendship with all of those females…. You can see it for yourself – he now fancies one of them and is considering breaking up. And quite possibly she is clingy because she feels unsure of his commitment (and rightly so)

 

Word.

 

I used to think men and women couldbe platonic friends, but that's just not so. There is always some level of sexual tension between people of the opposite sex. It would be great if we could all be mature enough to look past that but IME one or the other party can't, and the "friendship" always stems from an ulterior motive on one or the other party's part. I've lost many a male friend because I got into a relationship and became committed to my partner and my male friend suddenly isn't interested in hanging out any more because I don't kowtow to his ego any more.

 

Romantic relationships between men and women often begin as friendships. The best way to combat this possibility is to nip things in the bud and not dangle the temptation of a relationship with your female friend in front of your face. Have you tried including your fiancee in the interactions with your female friends?

 

Love and committment involve choosing to be with your one partner even when presented with other, tastier, novel, or even "better" options...

[deesgirl]

I agree. It sounds like she was right about you being friends with females. I would also bet that you wouldn't be so down on your relationship if you didn't have a crush on this other woman.

[Magi-Raistlin]

Isn't it possible that I have been questioning the future of my current relationship because 1) I have changed a lot over the past five years, and 2) because I have began to feel some what alienated by her clinginess and over protectiveness. It is natural to want to spend a lot of time with the one you love. However, at times I feel like I am her only sense of entertainment. She does not read, nor have any other hobbies. I am able to occupy my free time by reading, getting on the computer, playing videogames etc. She has nothing like this to do. Therefore, she is often left feeling bored. Naturally she looks to me to help alleviate that boredom. Which I then interpret as clingy. Most people desire a certain amount of "me" time. However, she does not really grasp that concept. Also, I have grown and changed over the past five years of my life. That is what going to college is about. Not only getting an education, but figuring out who you are. This is something that a lot of young adults/teenagers have to discover. Sometimes people that start dating at such a young age find out that they've grown into two different people that are no longer compatible.

 

I did not post my story on here to gain someone’s sympathy. I posted it to gain some peoples unbiased opinions. If that is how you read it, I really feel that you might want to reread it. I do appreciate those people’s thoughts and suggestions.

 

You might be surprised that I have decided to continue with my current relationship. Why? Because, I wake in the morning and I miss her lying next to my side. I do still see a future with her. That is all I need to know that I still love her. I believe that my fear and doubts had arisen due to the stress from the following factors: moving, not only moving but moving back in with our respective parents which in turn meant loosing a sense of independence, starting a new job, trying to help my fiancée find a new job (jobs are quite scarce where we live), and trying to make too many people happy by trying to split our time equally between her family, my family, our friends, and us time. That doesn't leave a whole lot of time for "me" time. However, I am aware that the amount of “me” time will continue to diminish as I start a family At any rate, it's been a stressful past two months, and I know it will only continue to get more stressful as I finish up my last semester at college. We have not only a wedding to plan, but we also must determine what college she will be attending as well as locate a house for us to move into.

 

Of course there are still some issues that need to be worked out. However, this will not be a problem. One does not know how he or she makes the other one feel unless you communicate your feelings to them. If anyone is in a similar situation please do not make any rash decisions. Take a few days and think about your feelings. This is obviously a huge decision I've had to make, and will effect the direction that I will take myself.

[deesgirl]

Why do I think it's because of another woman? Because, If things were so bad I think you would have left before.

 

I don't think you are ready to even consider marriage. Marriage is a serious deal. You have to protect it at all times. You can't dedicate your life to someone if you are not ready to protect the bond at all costs.

 

One of those ways of protecting it is to keep your female friends at arms length. I have male friends, but they are mutual friends with my husband. If I started having romantic feelings, I would stop being around that person.

 

To keep spending time alone with someone you are attracted to is just asking for trouble. You can say I'm full of bull, but we don't have a 50% infidelity rate because of smart people.

 

Affairs don't just happen. We feed the flame and say that we can put the brakes on, until 'something just happens'.

 

I'm glad you are thinking this through, but don't jump into marriage when you are already feeling this way. The feelings won't magically go away when you wed.

 

Your wife should be your best friend. If she is your best friend, you can talk to her about all the feelings you're having and all the things you've told us. Can you do that? Can you tell her how you feel she is clingy and about your crush?

[Magi-Raistlin]

All relationships have their ups and downs. However, I am very determined person. I do not just quit things. I work at it and give it my all. If I left my current relationship and got in another one there would be a new set of issues that would need to be worked out. As they say, "The grass isn't greener on the other side." That is why I never left. That's just the type of person I am.

 

She is my best friend, and I can talk to her about anything. If I chose to tell her about my meeting with my female friend she would be disapointed. However, she would understand why I did what I did. When I wrote the first message I was in a depressed state. I mentioned in my last post just how stressful things have been. Due to the fact that I was so young when we started dating I never got a chance to really experience dating another woman. The way I see it now is that I really had lunch with this woman not to see why I shouldn't marry my fiancee, but why I should.

 

You can say I am not ready to get married if you'd like. The fact is that you don't know me, or my situation in depth. You know what I've shared with the people that frequent this message bored. To deny that I questioned the future of my current relationship due to my inner growth and change is just being naive.

 

Actually my best friend's girl friend of four years broke up with him in April because she wasn't sure if she still loved him the same way she did when they first started dating. You know what? Three months later they're back together because she found her answer. Similar to my fiancee asking herself the same question a couple of years back. Young adults stumble around trying to find out what direction they are going in their lives. It is a time of confusion. These fears and doubts that I expressed earlier do arise in people of my age. It is natural to ask yourself, "Am I doing the right thing?" That doesn't make me a bad person, or mean that I love my fiancee any less. It merely means that I got confused and had to take a step back and really reflect on my life and where it was going.

[Thinkalot]

Hi there Magi- just a quick word, having read through this thread...please do make sure you talk to her about needing to find a balance between together time and me time. It's really important to get that right and both agree, otherwise it will cause more problems down the track.

Communicate openly.

Good luck.

[organge]

Apologies, may be I was too harsh, I just could not image that you could seriously complain about your fiancée being upset with you befriending the females when you have a crush on one of them. It was just beyond my understanding.

 

I believe that people change and sometimes (sadly) in different directions. May be try to analyse yourself a little bit – when you started feel that she was clingy. If she has not changed she must have been that way for last 5 years and previously you were ok with that. Is it because you changed or is it because you have a crush on someone else? You really put her down in your posts, but how about yourself? Have you tried to sort the problem of ‘me’ time? Have you talked to her and said – look I really need to have some time on my own. E.g. – I come from work and I need an hour to be with my thoughts, read a book etc. so she knows how much time you need and is ok waiting or can do something for herself… before you really put her down you should make sure YOU have done something about the problem. You know, she might not be fully aware that you have issues… no-one is a mind reader.

 

Another thing which is worrying is that you are concerned that you have not done enough dating (which is probably correct as you started very young). But despite that being true – if you would truly love her you would not lunch other women. If you would love her that would not bother you. You don’t need to be a hero to continue relationship – I am sure she does not need sacrifices, she just wants you to love her.

 

Just think – how would you feel if you fiancée would become less clingy, would befriend loads of guys and have flirtations lunches with some of them? Would you be happy then?

[blind_otter]

IME you don't have th e impulse to stray unless there is a pre-existing lack in the relationship that you are questioning. I was in the same position you are when I was in college and I ended up marrying my fiance. Now we are divorced. We went into our marriage knowing full well the weak points and stressors. Things fall apart quite easily, especially with major issues as you have described above. I hope you consider seeking a relationship counselor before getting hitched. Sometimes we know that the weak points exist, but it's like we shut our eyes to the reality of our situation. Love is so the opposite of logical.

[deesgirl]

"Now I find myself not as happy as I once was, and I have begun to question whether I love her in a romantic sense. I do know without a doubt that I do still care about, but the question is just how? For the past couple of weeks I've been contemplating whether I should remain in my relationship, or if I should break up with her."

 

"I find myself interested in another woman. She of course is one of the young women that I befriended in one of my classes at college. Part of me wants to leave my current relationship and try and pursue something with her."

 

 

 

I don't think you are a bad person, I just don't think you are ready for marriage. You just said these things two days ago, but now you are sure you're ready for marriage? Marriage is a life long commitment. I don't know why you feel you need to jump into it. Why not wait until there isn't any doubt?

[quankanne]

It's good that you've though things through, and can see how you thought certain things at certain times, because that means you're experiencing a personal growth. However, the question is not how you grow and respond, but whether your girlfriend is capable (or interested) in similar growth.

 

the doesn't seem to be any doubt that she cares for you, but I still see red flags in the information you share: YOU are responsible for keeping her entertained a good deal of the time? YOU are supposed to change and grow to meet her needs in your relationship, but not her? I'm sure I'm not giving her a fair shake because I haven't heard her side of the issue. Yet it does trouble me to know that someone could be staying in a relationship because it's the only thing they know, rather than because of true choice, i.e., dating others, living apart, then coming back to "the one" who is right for you.

 

it sounds like you're trying to rationalize your decision to stay with her, and that can only cause greater problems down the line if she doesn't mature at a steady rate much in the way you did with the experiences you had.