Should my wife think again about divorce?

[Rickic]

Here’s my story (I apologise in advance that it’s very long, but if you’re interested in quite a unique and sad story, read on…I would really really appreciate the opinion of other women)

 

My wife and I have been together for 9.5 years and married for 4 years before we separated in August last year (I’m 34 years old and my wife is 32). Our relationship started off fantastically well, and we had a fantastic sexual relationship for the first 2 years. I really do think my wife is absolutely beautiful, she is in great shape, looks after herself. In terms of our relationship, we were literally like best friends and have huge amounts in common.

 

We have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with a lot so far. A grand wedding, a dream honeymoon to Bora Bora, great relationship between the two families, a beautiful 4 bedroom house in London, a new car, and a very well paid job. My wife has her own business which I helped her set up 4 years ago, and supported for the first 3 years, which was hard but something I wanted to support her with. We had a fantastic relationship and were blessed with a lot of what couples our age dream off.

 

However, my wife and I had a very very troubling issue that has plagued our relationship for 6 years (before marriage). After about 2 years of being together, I slowly started to loose physical intimacy for her. This escalated to where we could only have sex once a month, and then even less often. This naturally was very painful for my wife. This escalated to the point where she got depressed and had to go and see a counsellor as she thought there was something wrong with her. I felt confused and didn’t know what to do to fix it. It just didn’t make sense that the only person I couldn’t get an erection for was my wife….i still found females sexually attractive so I knew I wasn’t gay, I still found her hugely attractive so I knew it wasn’t her…and because I was so clueless, I just brushed it under the carpet stupidly thinking it will ‘fix itself somehow’.

 

Months turned into years and then we thought getting married would be the answer, but it didn’t fix it. We then thought moving out of my parents’ house into our own house would help, this also didn’t fix the issue. We did manage to have sex every few months or so, but it was mundane, not very exciting, and I was just trying to do it to please her. The issue got worse where I started to suffer from erectile dysfunction, but only with her. It was a very upsetting, especially for my wife.

 

On New Year ’s Day 2014, I finally decided to go and see a therapist and my GP, but neither helped us get closer to the answer. We both tried couples counselling but it felt like a waste of time. And then life continued, we ignored the issue, kept busy with other things….behind the scenes, my wife stopped being upset and angry, stopped mentioning the issue….i should have seen this as a sign that she was slowly giving up on our marriage….i see this now, but couldn’t then. Things were still good in other areas and we still showed each other a lot of affection and care, but it wasn’t how it should have been.

 

In 2016, last year, the start of the year started ok, we went on a fantastic holiday to Mauritius where we spent time together, had a great time, but we didn’t have sex. However, after May, things deteriorated fast…..Other people noticed things weren’t right. In July we finally addressed the issue, but 4 weeks later she thought that we should separate. I was devastated by knew we had hit rock bottom.

 

In the 6 weeks of separation I went into ‘action mode’…..i talked to more people about our issue (normally im a very private person), I talked to my wifes family, I went to see the doctor again, I went to see a third therapist (who did help with making sense of my feelings at least), I went to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture which did help with the stress, I seeked solace in God (im a Hindu) and prayed every day, and went to the temple every Monday, I read every article I could find about sexual issue’s in marriage, I made an appointment with a very expensive Harley Street clinic to check that I didn’t have a Testosterone issue, I increased my gym sessions to get fitter in case that helped, I gave her the space she asked for, carried on paying the full mortgage, left her the car. And even after she said she wanted a divorce, my family and I still attended her younger sisters engagement ceremony – it was the hardest day of my life but I didn’t for her. I had made real changes in those 6 weeks and over the last 5 months, which my wife also acknowledges and has commented positively on.

 

However, after the 6 weeks of separation, she had decided enough was enough, and that she wanted a divorce. She said she still loved me and cared for me as a person, but was no longer in love, and didn’t have any more energy to give. She has been seeing her therapist, but won’t let me come to a joint session. And she isn’t really talking to her friends and family about it. I was obviously devastated. Initially her issues were the lack of intimacy and starting a family, but as time went by she came up with other reasons – I think she was trying to convince herself that she is doing the right thing.

 

Some of the things that she has said are ‘she loves and cares for me as a person’, ‘she feels broken’, ‘she can’t give anymore’, ‘she wasn’t feeling like herself whilst being married’, ‘she’s doesn’t regret marrying me, but she regrets not resolving our issue before marrying me’, ‘she feels we became best friends, instead of a couple in love’.

 

The strange part is I actually found out the root of our issue only 2 months ago accidently by randomly typing different searches in Google….what I was suffering from was Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED)….its where you watch porn and your brain rewires itself to become stimulated to that level of sexual exposure….this means that a real partner sexually can no longer stimulate you as your brain expects the variety and intensity that porn provides…..it also has other symptoms such as brain fogging, loss of concentration, loss of appetite for real sex and real partners, reduced emotional intimacy, etc. The issue has only been around for the last 5-10 years due to high speed internet.

 

The problem I have is that I didn’t know it was the porn that was effecting me….. in my head, I could get an erection when watching porn, or seeing some other sexy female image/real life person on the street, so I assumed that my bodily function was ok and it must be psychological….i never put the porn and the erectile dysfunction (ED) together…my understanding of ED was it either works all of the time, or none of the time…. I never have cheated on my wife so I don’t know if this would have affected me with another real woman. I wasn’t and am not actually addicted to porn, I never have been, however I was doing it because it was a good stress reliever….if I had known that it was this that had caused all our problems and heartache, I would have stopped a long time ago…..the good news is its pretty straight forward to resolve the issue….its called ‘rebooting’ and you basically need to stop watching porn and masturbation totally…..depending on severity, it can take 3 – 12 months….in my case, more likely 3 months. None of my friends had even heard of it…..and after seeing the doctor twice, and 4 different therapists, none of them could diagnose it.

 

I am very confident that with couples therapy, now that we know what had affected our marriage and im on the road to recovery, I think we can have a very happy marriage together…..however my wife won’t change her mind…she is set on divorce. I love her dearly and think we really do have a marriage that can be saved.

 

Do you think she is giving up to early and should try to work things out one more time, or do you think she is making the right decision? I really do believe there is a good marriage that can be saved here….i know I should have tried harder and not left it so late, I punish myself every single day thinking about that….but I can only do something about tomorrow, and not the past….i would love to know what advice women who have been through divorce would give my wife if she was a close friend of yours…appreciate all the feedback.

 

Many thanks,

 

Rishi (U.K.)

[mightycpa]

Hmmm... are you sporting frequent boners that are appropriate for your age yet? Or is this just theory?

 

If you can't do it yet, from the outside, you sound like all talk after 7.5 years of pushing spaghetti.

 

I think seeing is believing in this case. You're going to have to show her your raging member to have even a miniscule chance of her changing her mind. It's probably too late, but what else can you do?

[Rickic]

The issue has been sorted. Ive not watched porn for 2.5 months. I was never addicted to it, I just didnt know that was what my issue was. Normal erections have returned, morning wood has returned, etc... havnt tried being intimate with a female yet, as im still married and doesnt seem right, but im damn confident its sorted....plus there is lots of info on the web about PIED that all supports a 100% recovery.

 

Its like drinking apple juice every day and you knee hurting....if someone doesnt tell that its the juice causing the pain, you dont know...you were never addicted to the juice and would have stopped it a long time ago had you known...

 

I know it sounds stupid, but it never occurred to me what the cause was....

[sandylee1]

You're asking us whether your wife should give it another try? How can anything we say help?

 

If we say yes, will you go and convince her that members on LS thinks she should try again .?

 

For what it's worth, I think that ship has sailed. She's not in love with you and it was a bad idea to think marriage would solve the problem.

 

I'm not sure why you put so much irrelevant detail in your post, but the bottom line is she's done with the marriage.

 

Don't beg or plead. Moveon and find a new relationship and start afresh without watching porn.

[mikeylo]

Apple juice causes knee pain ?

 

It doesn't matter what we think what your wife should or shouldn't do. It's her decision. You need to convince her and prove. I don't know how though because it's not even something you are asking.

[Lilyana76]

I'm sorry you have this issue going on.

 

As for your wife, reconciliation probably isn't going to happen for her. After how many years of no sex.. a womans self worth, self image, self esteem are extremely diminished. She feels horrible about herself and undesired when shes around you. I doubt you saying "tada! it works now!" is going to fix all of that.

 

I wish you the best of luck in your future. But I'm afraid it probably isn't with your wife.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rickic, Yours is a classic case of locking the stable door after the horse has bolted. You might as well reconcile yourself to having lost your wife and move on. If she is adamant about the divorce then the best you can do is to let it proceed amicably and be finalized as soon as possible. After that you then start looking out for wife number two and hopefully the lessons learnt in your first marriage will help you avoid the pitfalls you have encountered, in your second one. Both of you are young and will be able to find partners with whom you can have an enjoyable and happy life. Don't waste time moping about something which is irretrievable. Warm wishes.

[AnneP]

I don't have much advice, but know of someone who went through PIED and it's very much a real thing. The good news is that can be overcome. You're right about how your body neeeds to reset itself. I would also add that even though you've stopped the porn, you should also stop masturbating. With PIED, not only does your brain become accustomed to the excessive stimulation, but your body becomes accustomed to YOU doing the job alone. This has just been what I've read. There are men who are as young as 21 who experience this. Porn is nkt healthy for any man, but especially a man who is in a committed marriage. The fact that you've spent the time researching this and figuring out the cause is a step in the right direction.

[Purepony]

Look

I've been in your situation

Look on the bright side we did something most guys wouldn't do we tried to save a marriage we tried to get it to work, most people don't even try to do that the other partner will usually just get upset leave, leave things the way they are

 

If she leaves you it's OK if she gets a divorce it's OK there's more to your life then this don't consider this a failure, don't consider yourself a failure you can start something else and it will be more rewarding because of the changes you have made

 

If she's set on her ways fine let it be accept it and MoveOn... you will find someone that you can match with better and you'll look back and see my best bet is eventually she will too and she will regret this but by then it'll probably be too late

[LilyMila]

The timing is off because it took way too long to identify and fix the problem. I really hope you reconcil because of all the horrible stories I read here involve partners with no redeeming qualities, your problem doesnt sound as daunting to fix.

[Hopefuleddie]

Sorry for what has happened to your marriage; porn has and is causing a lot pain in many relationships. Please allow her sometime, as your story indicates that she has been through a lot. This might help you The Crushing Weight Of Pornography Addiction | A Listly List. All the best

[NHappy]

Here’s my story (I apologise in advance that it’s very long, but if you’re interested in quite a unique and sad story, read on…I would really really appreciate the opinion of other women)

 

My wife and I have been together for 9.5 years and married for 4 years before we separated in August last year (I’m 34 years old and my wife is 32). Our relationship started off fantastically well, and we had a fantastic sexual relationship for the first 2 years. I really do think my wife is absolutely beautiful, she is in great shape, looks after herself. In terms of our relationship, we were literally like best friends and have huge amounts in common.

 

We have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with a lot so far. A grand wedding, a dream honeymoon to Bora Bora, great relationship between the two families, a beautiful 4 bedroom house in London, a new car, and a very well paid job. My wife has her own business which I helped her set up 4 years ago, and supported for the first 3 years, which was hard but something I wanted to support her with. We had a fantastic relationship and were blessed with a lot of what couples our age dream off.

 

However, my wife and I had a very very troubling issue that has plagued our relationship for 6 years (before marriage). After about 2 years of being together, I slowly started to loose physical intimacy for her. This escalated to where we could only have sex once a month, and then even less often. This naturally was very painful for my wife. This escalated to the point where she got depressed and had to go and see a counsellor as she thought there was something wrong with her. I felt confused and didn’t know what to do to fix it. It just didn’t make sense that the only person I couldn’t get an erection for was my wife….i still found females sexually attractive so I knew I wasn’t gay, I still found her hugely attractive so I knew it wasn’t her…and because I was so clueless, I just brushed it under the carpet stupidly thinking it will ‘fix itself somehow’.

 

Months turned into years and then we thought getting married would be the answer, but it didn’t fix it. We then thought moving out of my parents’ house into our own house would help, this also didn’t fix the issue. We did manage to have sex every few months or so, but it was mundane, not very exciting, and I was just trying to do it to please her. The issue got worse where I started to suffer from erectile dysfunction, but only with her. It was a very upsetting, especially for my wife.

 

On New Year ’s Day 2014, I finally decided to go and see a therapist and my GP, but neither helped us get closer to the answer. We both tried couples counselling but it felt like a waste of time. And then life continued, we ignored the issue, kept busy with other things….behind the scenes, my wife stopped being upset and angry, stopped mentioning the issue….i should have seen this as a sign that she was slowly giving up on our marriage….i see this now, but couldn’t then. Things were still good in other areas and we still showed each other a lot of affection and care, but it wasn’t how it should have been.

 

In 2016, last year, the start of the year started ok, we went on a fantastic holiday to Mauritius where we spent time together, had a great time, but we didn’t have sex. However, after May, things deteriorated fast…..Other people noticed things weren’t right. In July we finally addressed the issue, but 4 weeks later she thought that we should separate. I was devastated by knew we had hit rock bottom.

 

In the 6 weeks of separation I went into ‘action mode’…..i talked to more people about our issue (normally im a very private person), I talked to my wifes family, I went to see the doctor again, I went to see a third therapist (who did help with making sense of my feelings at least), I went to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture which did help with the stress, I seeked solace in God (im a Hindu) and prayed every day, and went to the temple every Monday, I read every article I could find about sexual issue’s in marriage, I made an appointment with a very expensive Harley Street clinic to check that I didn’t have a Testosterone issue, I increased my gym sessions to get fitter in case that helped, I gave her the space she asked for, carried on paying the full mortgage, left her the car. And even after she said she wanted a divorce, my family and I still attended her younger sisters engagement ceremony – it was the hardest day of my life but I didn’t for her. I had made real changes in those 6 weeks and over the last 5 months, which my wife also acknowledges and has commented positively on.

 

However, after the 6 weeks of separation, she had decided enough was enough, and that she wanted a divorce. She said she still loved me and cared for me as a person, but was no longer in love, and didn’t have any more energy to give. She has been seeing her therapist, but won’t let me come to a joint session. And she isn’t really talking to her friends and family about it. I was obviously devastated. Initially her issues were the lack of intimacy and starting a family, but as time went by she came up with other reasons – I think she was trying to convince herself that she is doing the right thing.

 

Some of the things that she has said are ‘she loves and cares for me as a person’, ‘she feels broken’, ‘she can’t give anymore’, ‘she wasn’t feeling like herself whilst being married’, ‘she’s doesn’t regret marrying me, but she regrets not resolving our issue before marrying me’, ‘she feels we became best friends, instead of a couple in love’.

 

The strange part is I actually found out the root of our issue only 2 months ago accidently by randomly typing different searches in Google….what I was suffering from was Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED)….its where you watch porn and your brain rewires itself to become stimulated to that level of sexual exposure….this means that a real partner sexually can no longer stimulate you as your brain expects the variety and intensity that porn provides…..it also has other symptoms such as brain fogging, loss of concentration, loss of appetite for real sex and real partners, reduced emotional intimacy, etc. The issue has only been around for the last 5-10 years due to high speed internet.

 

The problem I have is that I didn’t know it was the porn that was effecting me….. in my head, I could get an erection when watching porn, or seeing some other sexy female image/real life person on the street, so I assumed that my bodily function was ok and it must be psychological….i never put the porn and the erectile dysfunction (ED) together…my understanding of ED was it either works all of the time, or none of the time…. I never have cheated on my wife so I don’t know if this would have affected me with another real woman. I wasn’t and am not actually addicted to porn, I never have been, however I was doing it because it was a good stress reliever….if I had known that it was this that had caused all our problems and heartache, I would have stopped a long time ago…..the good news is its pretty straight forward to resolve the issue….its called ‘rebooting’ and you basically need to stop watching porn and masturbation totally…..depending on severity, it can take 3 – 12 months….in my case, more likely 3 months. None of my friends had even heard of it…..and after seeing the doctor twice, and 4 different therapists, none of them could diagnose it.

 

I am very confident that with couples therapy, now that we know what had affected our marriage and im on the road to recovery, I think we can have a very happy marriage together…..however my wife won’t change her mind…she is set on divorce. I love her dearly and think we really do have a marriage that can be saved.

 

Do you think she is giving up to early and should try to work things out one more time, or do you think she is making the right decision? I really do believe there is a good marriage that can be saved here….i know I should have tried harder and not left it so late, I punish myself every single day thinking about that….but I can only do something about tomorrow, and not the past….i would love to know what advice women who have been through divorce would give my wife if she was a close friend of yours…appreciate all the feedback.

 

Many thanks,

 

Rishi (U.K.)

 

You sound like a very nice person, and that you really tried to fix things. But I have to say if this were my husband, I would have left him for needing to watch porn with me in the first place. If you are with a woman you love, you shouldn't need or want to. You should possibly consider this. What a horrible thing for woman to go through at 32. You guys are exactly the age of my husband and I. Her self esteem will probably never recover.

 

Wow, I'm never dating again. I think you officially pushed me over the edge into becoming a very happy old spinster.

[NHappy]

You sound like a very nice person, and that you really tried to fix things. But I have to say if this were my husband, I would have left him for needing to watch porn with me in the first place. If you are with a woman you love, you shouldn't need or want to. You should possibly consider this. What a horrible thing for woman to go through at 32. You guys are exactly the age of my husband and I. Her self esteem will probably never recover.

 

Wow, I'm never dating again. I think you officially pushed me over the edge into becoming a very happy old spinster.

 

I have to circle back on this because I feel a little guilty being so harsh. I used to watch porn with my husband, but only together. I am leaving him due mainly to physical abuse, but I have to say that being beaten by him would be less detrimental to my self esteem than if he were watching porn without me when he could be having sex with me, and not being able to have sex with me for that reason. Especially given society in America and women constantly being objectified, this is worse as far as self esteem for many women. Especially for a woman in her thirties, mainly because of Hollywood and their toxic influence. I would never be able to get over that and respect my husband the same way, or treat him with such.

 

I'd like to ask you to imagine that your wife lost all interest in you because she was looking at other people's p**is' without you. Imagine she was constantly watching porn of other men. Would you feel the same about her? Would it affect how you felt about yourself for the rest of your life? Maybe not, because it's a man's world. I realize that more and more going on divorce forums and reading about some of the situations. The thing is, this type of scenario doesn't hurt women, it hurts men. It affects how women treat their husband, etc.

[kztar]

Man you do sound like a great guy, but I think that ship sailed. Like many others have said, it took WAYYYY too long to identify the problem.

 

I can tell you that a man watching porn does no good to a relationship. It truly does make a woman feel worthless.

 

My now ex-who I still love and adore (from a distance now) and I got into an argument about this. As we began to make love I could INSTANTLY tell that he had watched porn. This upset me ALOT because if I can notice that within minutes(THATS A PROBLEM). I felt like I was not satisfying him and so on. I dated that guy for 2 years and it wasn't always like that. I can only imagine how your wife must feel after all these years. I really feel for her.

 

Good luck to you. Hopefully you've learned a valuable lesson here my friend.

[kztar]

You sound like a very nice person, and that you really tried to fix things. But I have to say if this were my husband, I would have left him for needing to watch porn with me in the first place. If you are with a woman you love, you shouldn't need or want to. You should possibly consider this. What a horrible thing for woman to go through at 32. You guys are exactly the age of my husband and I. Her self esteem will probably never recover.

 

Wow, I'm never dating again. I think you officially pushed me over the edge into becoming a very happy old spinster.

 

I second this opinion. I really hope it does recover though.