LDR and other girls, am I out of line?

[lbh33]

I will try to keep this as to the point while still providing necessary details as I can.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 1.5 years, long distance the whole time. We live on opposite ends of the country. I love him very much and our relationship is full of playfulness and silliness and also the ability to talk about things others might find uncomfortable. He is smart and funny and sweet. But certainly it wasn't always this way and still isn't.

 

(Context:) For the past year or so, my boyfriend has been verbally and emotionally abusive. I broke up with him a month ago because I finally realized this and he had overstepped too far. However, we are back together, but not taking the abuse lightly. He is getting professional help to address the problem and he is making big changes all on his own. I am not here for advice on the abuse that used to exist, I'm simply providing context. During the time my boyfriend was abusive, one of the things he did was lie to me about a particular group of girls. He would have them over at his house without telling me. He later told me just to rub it in m face and make feel bad (also occurred in abuse time period). One of the girls in this group I've never met but he told me he used to have a thing with her shortly before we met. My boyfriend would have been pissed if this were me and roles were reversed. We both expect each other to be honest and to be fair and both of us would personally see having a group of the opposite sex over as not okay and lying is obviously wrong.

 

(The current problem:) Either way, I am struggling since we have gotten back together because I finally feel like I can express my own feelings to him without being put down, which is great, but when I say that I don't want him to go to these girls apartment anymore, he says he feels controlled. We just cannot agree. I specifically told him that I know I can't tell him what to do but that I have reason to be uncomfortable because he's not close to them and he's chosen them over me several times in the past. I tell him he can go if he wants but this is something I particularly cannot tame my discomfort on. He goes to bars and drinks a lot a few times a week anyways, which bothers me in and of itself, and I would just like him to alter how he parties because to me he acts like he is single.

 

We are both 22 in college. I don't want him to never go out, but to me he acts like he's single. I wish he would not drink with that particular group of girls (I don't mind the girls he is actually friends with who I've also met, at all!) and that he would go out a little less, even twice a week is fine, and not get so drunk every time. I don't want to control him but I want my feelings to be respected and they weren't before. I don't feel like I'm out of line but I want to make sure.

 

To answer questions that one might ask of my situation, no he has never cheated. He had however texted and snapchatted and had girls over behind my back that he specifically told me he wouldn't. Am I being controlling or am I within reason? Should he be more sensitive of my position and not have a problem with making changes? Do you think going to really crowded bars and getting really drunk often in a relationship is wrong? I need some objective opinions on how I'm thinking. Thank you ahead of time

[heavenonearth]

1. He is an American boy in college. He will party and he will flirt with girls. If you can't deal with that, don't be with an American boy in college. I don't think it is wrong to go out and have fun, no. Actually, I know plenty of couples in LDRs who have managed to trust each other and still each have their own lives, including partying. However, there is no trust between you two. I don't see how there is balance in this relationship. It just sounds like constant bickering and drama.

 

2. At 22, you should be old enough to not be so naive as to keep someone in your life who is abusing you, no matter if physical, emotional or verbal. All of that is the same thing: abuse. If you let someone do this to you, and you justify it someone, then I find it hard to give advice. Please try to reassess: Is this guy worth it? Simple answer: NO!

 

3. You deserve better. Leave the idiot, find someone who respects you and your needs. Maybe wait til after college, though. Focus on school now. That's way more important. You will thank me later.

Edited January 18, 2017 by heavenonearth

[justwhoiam]

Hi lbh33,

 

Welcome to the Loveshack.org LDRs forum.

 

To answer questions that one might ask of my situation

You didn't answer the main question most of us would ask: have you ever met this guy? You didn't talk about spending time together in person, in real life. If that is your situation (both 22, in the same country and never met each other in 1.5 years), then I find extremely hard to provide any advice, other than "Why on earth would you say he's your boyfriend???"

Please provide information on how many times you met him and how much time you spent together so far.

 

I need some objective opinions on how I'm thinking.

I have a feeling that you never met him, because there was no talk about that at all.

Also, when you say he drinks a lot, how much is that specifically? Like he needs two people getting him into a car to go home after drinking? Or he passed out somewhere?

[basil67]

It's not out of line to want a boyfriend who doesn't go out drinking with exes and get blind drunk on a regular basis. But it IS out of line to have a boyfriend who does these things and want him to change because you don't like it.

 

If this was about respecting each other's wishes, he would also be well within his rights to say "this is important to me and heavenonearth should respect it". But you don't respect his wishes and he doesn't respect yours because those wishes clash. This is because the two of you have different and incompatible beliefs on the subject.

 

What you can do at this point is ask yourself if you can accept him as he is. If you can't, then it's time to walk away. For what it's worth, you'd be well within your rights to walk away. Remember that dating and relationships are about finding someone who's right for you. It's not about finding Mr Wrong and trying to mold him into something he's not.

Edited January 19, 2017 by basil67

[lbh33]

Hi lbh33,

 

Welcome to the Loveshack.org LDRs forum.

 

You didn't answer the main question most of us would ask: have you ever met this guy? You didn't talk about spending time together in person, in real life. If that is your situation (both 22, in the same country and never met each other in 1.5 years), then I find extremely hard to provide any advice, other than "Why on earth would you say he's your boyfriend???"

Please provide information on how many times you met him and how much time you spent together so far.

 

I have a feeling that you never met him, because there was no talk about that at all.

Also, when you say he drinks a lot, how much is that specifically? Like he needs two people getting him into a car to go home after drinking? Or he passed out somewhere?

 

Hi, yes we met in person over a summer and spent the whole time together. I see him about every month and a half for over a week each.

[justwhoiam]

when you say he drinks a lot, how much is that specifically? Like he needs two people getting him into a car to go home after drinking? Or he passed out somewhere?

Can you give us a better clue about this?