cwscotty Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hi all, I am sure this is a regular post on this forum so please accept my apologies if this has been done to death. This morning I woke up to find my wife of six months looking through my phone. Didn't bother me in the slightest because I usually leave my phone out in the open, no password and she knows she can use it if needed. I open up my laptop to read the news as I cannot check it on my phone which she has in the bathroom. To my horror I see that she has taken screen shots on my phone and sent them to herself (messages are available on my laptop) of one perfectly innocent conversation between one of my female friends and I along with another few messages from another female friend on the other side of the world requesting nudes. Now I work in two fire stations and do not normally take my phone on 911 calls therefore my phone is at the mercy of my colleagues. I can categorically state and look my wife in the eye and tell her I did not send the above messages (They were several weeks ago) and mixed in with other normal messages. I made no attempt to delete messages because I didn't even know they existed. I have no idea how to approach the situation with my wife as this has happened to her before with her ex who was cheating. I tell this girl every day I love her and how beautiful she is. We have a wonderful relationship, great sex life and so much more. I can safely say I have not been acting 'odd' recently to give her suspicions (Because I have not been up to anything!) What on earth do I do?! Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Are you being serious....why would these men use your phone for that? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Assuming you get past this, get a pass code for the phone and share it with your wife but no one else. Certainly not the guys at the station. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Next time put your phone away safely. I know a few firefighters, big on practical jokes, but messing with someone's phone and possibly causing problems at home is wrong. Give them crap next time you see them! That's crossing the lines, keep the jokes at the firehall. Explain to your wife what you think has happened. Since you haven't cheated and never will, you have nothing to hide or to worry about. Tell her you love her and promise her she is the only one for you. Not much more you can do other than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cwscotty Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Unfortunately it's just some firefighters sense of humor. It's not uncommon to have my phone filled with pictures of guys asses, background changed etc. In hindsight, yes a code would have been great. But I need a little assistance as to how to approach this situation with my wife. I have been cool, calm and collected and maintaining my innocence but she continues to find me guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 . To my horror I see that she has taken screen shots on my phone and sent them to herself (messages are available on my laptop) of one perfectly innocent conversation between one of my female friends and I along with another few messages from another female friend on the other side of the world requesting nudes. Now I work in two fire stations and do not normally take my phone on 911 calls therefore my phone is at the mercy of my colleagues. Wait what? Who asked for the nudes? Who is this woman? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Wait what? Who asked for the nudes? Who is this woman? Yeah, what's that about? Whenever I get to the point of sharing nudes with female friends and colleagues is when I realise I'm getting a bit close to the line as a married man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cwscotty Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 As mentioned, it was one of my colleagues playing a prank who requested nudes from a female friend who is considerably older and in a terribly blunt way - not terribly attractive. It was quite obviously done as a prank using my phone. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 As mentioned, it was one of my colleagues playing a prank who requested nudes from a female friend who is considerably older and in a terribly blunt way - not terribly attractive. It was quite obviously done as a prank using my phone. What about the texts to a female friend? Can you elaborate? I'm not ignoring your OP, I just can't think of any way to prove you are being honest other than a polygraph. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 My H & I both had A 9 years ago...I still don't check his phone but last month I was on my son's iPad & all this stuff popped up about Craigslist (his iCloud is connected to my son's iPad). I waited for him to get home & asked him about it, before I could get another word out, he called his coworker on speaker phone, without a warning that I was listening & asked him "what was he speaking about to the other guys at work about"...the guy says "that I would like to have sex with a African American girl"...then my asked him "after you said that what happened" guy: "I got bunch of craigslist ads from everyone at work". This is when my H told him he was on speaker & why he asked these questions...the guy was dying of embarrassment. You should do something along the same line. Have the guy's admit they were messing with you. On the other hand you both need some couple's therapy bc she shouldn't not trust you bc she had a previously bad relationship. No one should get into a new relationship & make your new partner pay for what previous partner did to them. Be nice without giving away your dignity. It's fine you don't care her going through your phone but who wants to live life paying for someone else's bad behavior. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Are you being serious....why would these men use your phone for that? Couple of years ago, my daughter showed me some bizarrely sexual FB messages she got from her cousin (my nephew). After I blew my stack and got in touch with his Dad, it turned out my nephew's roommate had gotten a hold of his phone and thought the inappropriate messages were a funny thing to send. I had a face-to-face conversation with him leaving a clear understanding none of use saw the humor in it. There's no accounting for taste and we live in a culture that seems to encourage this type of out-of-bounds behavior... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Ok, so the nude request was a prank. What were you talking about to your innocent female friend to upset your wife? Do you correspond a lot with female friends around the world? Given your wives insecurities are these friendships that important to you? My best friend (from childhood) is male but he's also a friend of my husband's & we don't have secrets. Does your wife know these women? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 What on earth do I do?! Tell your 'friend/colleague' to immediately fess up to his oh-so 'humourous practical joke'. (Why would that not have been your first-thought option?) This is not about protecting anybody's 'macho image', or that some emergency workers just have really 'crazy' senses of humour, or being afraid to have it known that someone is more concerned about his wife's feelings and his marriage than letting his 'crazy friends/colleagues' get away with their assinity. Tell your wife the truth, and have the offending party do the same. (Why not, in the first place?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author cwscotty Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 The issue I am having is I don't know who exactly has done this. I have around 50 guys to choose from in my workplace. We do not have regular conversations. I will perhaps send a message if it is quiet at work along the lines of 'hello how are things on your side of the world' and it doesn't evolve much from that. I hadn't conversed prior to Christmas and contact was generated through a merry Christmas group message. Whilst it is not a friendship I consider 'valuable' and quite easily cut the damage has been done. We had a talk earlier and I reiterated 100 times over that I did not send any messages but my wife quite understandably says I could be making that up or I could pick one of my friends to own up and apologise for $20. Besides taking a polygraph test I'm at a loss what more I can do! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I really despise these stupid pranks TBH and have no tolerance for them. I'm far from impressed with people not realising this could cause serious marital problems and possibly divorce. This sense of humour primarily in the UK, USA and Australia can be very dangerous and damaging. It's pranks like this that caused the nurse (in the Kate Middleton issue) to commit suicide. They need to grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 The issue I am having is I don't know who exactly has done this. I have around 50 guys to choose from in my workplace. We do not have regular conversations. I will perhaps send a message if it is quiet at work along the lines of 'hello how are things on your side of the world' and it doesn't evolve much from that. I hadn't conversed prior to Christmas and contact was generated through a merry Christmas group message. Whilst it is not a friendship I consider 'valuable' and quite easily cut the damage has been done. We had a talk earlier and I reiterated 100 times over that I did not send any messages but my wife quite understandably says I could be making that up or I could pick one of my friends to own up and apologise for $20. Besides taking a polygraph test I'm at a loss what more I can do! Honestly, at this point...if you really did nothing. The only thing left is to look at her & say "I love you, I'm not cheating on you & you're making me pay bc for your ex's mistakes". "If you don't believe me, it's really YOUR issue & im wiping my hands clean of this & extremely hurt that this is what you think of me". Either let's go to counciling or I can't listen to this anymore. If you act guilty, then you are. People that aren't guilty are only going to take an accusation for so long before they explode (if really innocent) don't let it get to that point. Drag her to marriage counseling & nip it in the butt. Is this how you want to live forever being accused of cheating bc she was cheated on previously? Even for her to be snooping bc she was cheated on before is unhealthy & you having to deal with it is unhealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Take the polygraph Is she in the habit of checking up on you? I would never think to check my husband's phone unless he said or did something that made me wonder. Also what was the friends response to the request for nudes? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I used to be a paramedic and I can confirm that dudes in the station will mess with your phone if given the opportunity. If this occurred as described it may be able to be confirmed through time stamps and trip logs. If the time stamp of the nude request matches up with the trip log and personnel log with dispatch, it can be shown that he was out of the building and on a call when the nude request was made. (Now that doesn't mean he wasn't on the foreground asking for nudes while some building was burning down. But it is corroborating evidence that someone may have been playing a prank with his phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cwscotty Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 Sorry for the lack of updates. Yesterday was a better day, we cuddled and napped but at night we were back to square one. I have done everything I can to talk to her and explain but because I was texting this female (an ex work colleague, double my age) on occasion since Christmas (Hello, how are you? was the best it got) she still feels this constitutes betrayal. My understanding is that the contentious messages, since deleted took place in October of last year. The messages had laid in the phone since then as I quite honestly had no idea they existed). In her words this evening she is devastated and this is all my fault. I made a wall of sticky notes with 101 reasons that I love her along with a light hearted two page apology letter which she has yet to review. Her problem appears to be that when she has thinking time she goes back to square one. I am handling the accusations well and reiterating my story each time. Unfortunately when I suggest counselling I get reminded that a six month old marriage should not have to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 Dude, seriously?? Put a password on your phone. Give it to your wife if you want. But depending what's on it not having a password on your phone can be like leaving the door to your house unlocked. Use common sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cwscotty Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I am seeking assistance as to what I can say or do at this stage in order to save my marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
BoaConstrictor Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 I'm sorry this is happening to you. The coworker who did this to you sucks. Is this the first time you have encountered this level of distrust from her? I haven't been cheated on (that I know of) but I'm trying to understand how light texting to someone of the opposite sex is such a problem, especially if you never had a relationship or a flirtation with the person. Were you aware of these unspoken rules that your wife had before you married? In other words, is this coming out of thin air or have you had to deal with this degree of scrutiny before? At some level it doesn't sound like you're going to be able to convince her, and the longer this goes on, the more frustrated you will become and hurt by her lack of trust. I think a polygraph would be worth it. If she doesn't accept those results? I think you need to consider whether you want to live under that degree of scrutiny for the rest of your life. I actually did have an emotional affair recently and struggle with the surveillance (even though I deserve it). I can't imagine having to deal with it if I were innocent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cwscotty Posted January 21, 2017 Author Share Posted January 21, 2017 Unfortunately I am at work tonight and at the mercy of a texting battle. I was aware of unspoken rules but not to the extent that she feels, which is reasonable given her past. I have never had scrutiny before and she states that she 'just had a feeling' and decided to look through my phone. It has emerged that there is no firm date that I allegedly said XYZ that I am getting hell for and infact may be before we even met! So my next course is phone records. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 21, 2017 Share Posted January 21, 2017 If it was me, I would ask the top man of the station to hold a meeting, explain what happened to him and when everyone is there, speak your ming and let them know that because of their stupid joke, you got your ass in the ringer and someone needs to step up to the plate and let her know who it was. Now the problem is that she might think that he's doing that to get you out of the doghouse. Next suggestion is for you to make a call for a polygraph with her there and tell her that she can ask the man without you being in the room what questions she wants answered. Other then that I'm out of suggestions. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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