Otherist Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Hi guys, I was just wondering what are the nicknames you used in the affair when speaking to your MM / MW about their spouses? I've always used "she".. and anything else.. Couple days back, MM suddenly said "My wife was going to..." and I lost it and told him off, telling him not to use that term. Honestly, I knew what he was trying to do, he's trying to get me used to it (we are new into this A), but what the heck? I felt it was not acceptable.. It's the least minimal respect isn't it Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Oh girl. He has a wife. Him calling her a different name isn't going to change that. And frankly, you are willingly cheating with a married man - you don't deserve the "respect" of him tiptoeing around that fact. (I cheated too, so I'm not judging you per se, but come on. Open your eyes. There's no moral high ground to claim here.) We just used their names, but mainly we tried not to talk about them. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I knew this would come. I don't need judgements, I already know I am a bad person. But the respect I am talking about is the basic courtesy required for the reduction of how things shouldn't have been but we did it anyway. Nevermind, angel. basic courtesy you have not extended to this "wife" though.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Well, he HAS A WIFE. Get used to it. If you don't like that, well, then do not engage in an affair. My married man had a wife. He called her his wife. That's what she is. That's the facts and reality. We didn't play make believe, this isn't fantasy land. AGAIN, REMEMBER, HE HAS A WIFE. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otherist Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I'm not delusional, I know this is bad and okay thanks everyone - I am the slut and he has a wife, point taken straight at head shot and heart, definitely going to hell. I know I am the sinner here. I was not asking for a beat up here but yes I will accept it for my actions and if you people who feel offended that I am using the wrong words - respect, point taken. I apologize for making you feel sick. I don't deserve a minimal respect and even a prostitue gets paid and forgo the respect. I am less than that. So forget that I mentioned the respect or whatever delusional basic courtesy. I was asking really, what's the nick name if you guys have it. Once again, I am sorry and I assure you I know I am going to hell. The reminders are harsh but yeah, I don't know why it has to come this way. I appreciate if you guys can spare the beat up. Thanks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Listen. I get it hurts to hear him use those words. The whole situation is disrespectful, beginning to end. He's just throwing some reality your way. You are probably trying to pretend she does not exist. Maybe you're trying to justify the affair in your mind, maybe you're in denial. Bottom line, him saying "my wife is doing this and that" is a reflection of reality, and you -like all of us in the early stages of the affair- are not in touch with reality. I know I'm wasting my words, but honey, please. Try to use this as a wake up call. If him just saying "my wife" is freaking you out, how are you going to feel when they go on vacation? and that they're having sex? that they went out on date night? You, like nearly all of us, are not cut out for this. It will get so much worse, i promise (ask me how I know...) For what's it's worth, we were both married and we either used their names or "my wife/my husband". It's just stating a fact, you know. A fact you can't live with. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 There is nothing disrespectful about him calling her "my wife". Perhaps you request that he never mention his wife in your presence. Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Listen. I get it hurts to hear him use those words. The whole situation is disrespectful, beginning to end. He's just throwing some reality your way. You are probably trying to pretend she does not exist. Maybe you're trying to justify the affair in your mind, maybe you're in denial. Bottom line, him saying "my wife is doing this and that" is a reflection of reality, and you -like all of us in the early stages of the affair- are not in touch with reality. I know I'm wasting my words, but honey, please. Try to use this as a wake up call. If him just saying "my wife" is freaking you out, how are you going to feel when they go on vacation? and that they're having sex? that they went out on date night? You, like nearly all of us, are not cut out for this. It will get so much worse, i promise (ask me how I know...) For what's it's worth, we were both married and we either used their names or "my wife/my husband". It's just stating a fact, you know. A fact you can't live with. Exactly this. No one is calling you a slut or saying you're going to hell. We all either cheated on our SOs or had a relationship with a married person, or both. (Me: both.) We're just pointing out that he DOES have a wife regardless of what he calls her, and the less you bury your head in the sand about it, the better off you will be in the long run. Like I'msosad said - if you think hearing the words "my wife" is hard, that is just the tip of the iceberg :/ I think everyone here would universally recommend that you get the hell out of this situation before it sucks you in, you blow up your life, and you are irreparably hurt over a relationship that is guaranteed to go nowhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otherist Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Listen. I get it hurts to hear him use those words. The whole situation is disrespectful, beginning to end. He's just throwing some reality your way. You are probably trying to pretend she does not exist. Maybe you're trying to justify the affair in your mind, maybe you're in denial. Bottom line, him saying "my wife is doing this and that" is a reflection of reality, and you -like all of us in the early stages of the affair- are not in touch with reality. I know I'm wasting my words, but honey, please. Try to use this as a wake up call. If him just saying "my wife" is freaking you out, how are you going to feel when they go on vacation? and that they're having sex? that they went out on date night? You, like nearly all of us, are not cut out for this. It will get so much worse, i promise (ask me how I know...) For what's it's worth, we were both married and we either used their names or "my wife/my husband". It's just stating a fact, you know. A fact you can't live with. We do talk about his wife, infact I'm the one that encourages him to tell me what he wants to reveal. I just don't like that he can says it that way when I've already expressed it. You're right he wants to throw reality my way. He's thinking, just in case I ever hope he leaves her. He wants me to know he thinks of his wife as the one and only wife while I am never that. I actually think so and get it. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 You're being unnecessarily over dramatic. Nobody mentioned hell or sinners. It would be wise to get a grip on reality. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I don't deserve a minimal respect and even a prostitue gets paid and forgo the respect. I am less than that. So forget that I mentioned the respect or whatever delusional basic courtesy. You're in an A. It's not like its the most respectful thing he is doing, so why on earth do you think he would treat you any better than he treats his wife? You're being unnecessarily over dramatic. Nobody mentioned hell or sinners. It would be wise to get a grip on reality. Seriously. OP you play the victim card here. You apparently know how wrong it is and yet you do it anyway. Anything you call yourself is on your own conscious. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 We called them by their names. I think you should really look at why this bothers you so much. I get it been there.... The truth is he has a wife. So how else would he refer to her other than "my wife". I think Imsosad made a great comment, if this small thing bothers you what about when try take vacation or go on dates etc. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 ...It's the least minimal respect isn't it no - it isn't. most APs don't have nicknames for their spouses; they either address them by their name OR title - my wife, my husband. i find it hilarious how you address his spouse as SHE... i mean - if you tell her name three times in a row, she might appear in your bed. better safe than sorry, right?! get over yourself. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
jennifernyc84 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 no - it isn't. most APs don't have nicknames for their spouses; they either address them by their name OR title - my wife, my husband. i find it hilarious how you address his spouse as SHE... i mean - if you tell her name three times in a row, she might appear in your bed. better safe than sorry, right?! get over yourself. Your answers seriously 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Joie Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 BS here so feel free to ignore. My husband referred to me as "My Wife" or by my name. Side note: I am also listed in his phone as Wife along with my picture. I am still amazed at how he was able to compartmentalize his wrong doing. He would be out his AP and I would call and up on his screen pops my picture with our kids under the heading "Wife calling....." I don't think most married men need a secret name for their wife because they block their wrong doing off in their head. As a does of reality why don't ask what you are listed as under his phone. Maybe it will help you see that this is not a good path to go down. Because you are not probably listed as anything but a fake name. Best of luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Yeah ahh, no one was calling you a sinner, or an S word, or horrible etc.... But come on!!!! What do you expect? He is married! You are a mistress. So what do you want? Where do you think this is going? He is going to walk away from his wife, his family, his life and his reputation for you? If you think that, my advice is to not hold your breath. "Successful" Other Women become happy with their role - number 2. Never the first priority. Not the one to be paraded around proudly in public, no, rather the dirty little secret who better be happy with the part time guy, part time attention and part time "love" that she gets. You aren't involved with an available man, you are involved with one that has a WIFE. We never used Nick names for our spouses. He would say "my wife". I don't know her name, I never asked. I would call my husband "my husband" although I did slip once and used his first name - and said "oh his name is X by the way". Link to post Share on other sites
FortyandForlorn Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 We do talk about his wife, infact I'm the one that encourages him to tell me what he wants to reveal. I just don't like that he can says it that way when I've already expressed it. You're right he wants to throw reality my way. He's thinking, just in case I ever hope he leaves her. He wants me to know he thinks of his wife as the one and only wife while I am never that. I actually think so and get it. What does that mean? Girl, you are not his therapist or shoulder to cry on. If you're not fond of him saying "wife" then find someone who doesn't have one. To answer your question, we've never talked about our spouses. So I never said "my husband." Every blue moon, he would say "she" or "the kid's mom." I have no idea what her name is. We were each other's escape, so real life was hardly discussed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Onlywhenitrains Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 In the case of my xMM, in the first 6 months he never even mentioned her, not by name, not by "she", not by "my wife" or anything else. It bothered me, b/c it was to me his refusal to deal with reality. It was in one heated conversation that I kind of provoked him by saying several times that he never mentiones her and pretends she doesn't exist and is consciously or unconsciously refusing to deal with reality of us being in the A. Reluctantly, he said "my wife" then. We rarely if ever talked about her, except if he was telling me some story about past events that she was part of....even then, I'd be the one to say it out loud most of the time. He has a wife. He is married. That's the basic reality of any affair. Better to accept it sooner rather than latter. Not calling it as it is, won't make it go away. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I was just wondering what are the nicknames you used in the affair when speaking to your MM / MW about their spouses? We had no need to speak of her. She was immaterial. It's the least minimal respect isn't it I'm not going to beat up on you for demanding respect in a relationship - and an A is a relationship like any other. I, too, demanded respect - and got it. There is nothing inherent in an A that demands a lack of respect between the two participants. Just because the WS may have no respect for the BS doesn't mean they have no respect for others. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I'm a BS I was referred to by name (or nickname which she once called me and I shut her up quickly) or "she" I refer to her as "Her". She has the same name as my niece so I never say it. His first AP was "Shrek" because she has ogre teeth and I was younger and meaner. Listen OP. He's got a wife, you know this. If you have resigned yourself to being the other woman, then at least know your place. You know you deserve better right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 We had no need to speak of her. She was immaterial. Wow:sick: At least you own it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 My WH and MOW referred to me by the nickname my WH gave me long ago That nickname died on Dday. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Side note: I am also listed in his phone as Wife along with my picture. I'm listed in his phone as "my love aileD". With a pic. Never though of that !!! Lol. Awkward Link to post Share on other sites
GollumsNightmare Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 (edited) As the OW, MM and I usually referred to our spouses by their given names. We all knew each other, but we rarely spoke of our spouses during the A. We both compartmentalized very well. It makes me sick to think about it now, and I am ashamed to admit, but we really liked each other's spouse. I have dealt with the shame of that A for 29 years. My H had an affair on me decades later. He says they almost never talked about their spouses, either, but if they did, they used our given names. The exception, that I know of, was a couple days after dday (dday was when I walked in on them in bed together). They had a secret meeting for "closure" I guess, and tried to get their stories straight about lies he told me about the A (the lies that eventually unravelled). The OW sadly told him she waited all day for him to come to her after dday (leaving me). He said, "I TOLD you I love MY WIFE!" Gee, dear husband, that kind of love almost killed me. Edited January 19, 2017 by GollumsNightmare Over sharing Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 (edited) 10 characters...! i'll play nice. Edited January 19, 2017 by minimariah Link to post Share on other sites
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