I'm in a Sexless Marriage - I Want to Have an Affair

[cubfanforlife2016]

Hi Everyone. I'm hoping to get some advice without judgement. Maybe someone can relate to my current situation.

 

My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years, and were together 2 years before marriage. We have 2 young boys.

 

To be honest, sex and physical connection were never tremendously strong from the get go, but it was there nevertheless, so I never considered it a problem. From the beginning though, there was always this feeling that I didn't marry for the right reason. Even on the altar, watching my soon-to-be wife walk down the aisle, I wasn't all that excited. Shortly after the birth of our second son in 2009, we stopped having sex all together. That was it. I'm not sure why, but it just stopped. I didn't feel particularily inclined to initiate sex, and apparently she didn't either, because it's been a sexless marriage now for 7 years.

 

In 2013, my wife had a nervous breakdown as a result of work stress. Work has always been her everything. She is defined by her work and her success...or lack there of. The breakdown was extremely traumatizing for me and my children (although I was able to shield them from the worst of it by sending them to my parents). She went completely crazy: she thought our phones were tapped, the house was bugged, she was having hallucinations. At 2 a.m. in the morning, I'm searching the house for anything sharp and hiding it. Knives, scissors, letter openers...you name it. I had to decide whether I should stay awake to prtect my children, or try and sleep so I could function the next day because I knew it was going to involve the hospital. Her recovery took months and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder with disassociative tendencies.

 

We got through that and things seemingly returned to normal. But a year later, after more work issues, she fell into a sudden and deep depression. Then she attempted suicide. She first tried hanging herself with my belt, and when that failed she slit her wrists. I found her in time and called the paramedics.

 

Since the suicide attempt, she's been faithfully taking her meds and seeing a therapist and her mental health has been stable even dispite losing her job in May.

 

Early in the summer, I was approached by a woman at the gym. We're both regulars, and to be honest, I'd been kind of admiring her from a far. She introduced herself and we talked a bit. She (I'll call her Ashley)has 3 children.Over the next several months, out chats went from brief “Hi, how was your weekend?” to conversations that sometimes lasted the length of our workouts. And now I’m totally crushing on her. As far as I know, she’s happily married. She’s active in the church (as am I) which I admire. When we first met, she almost never mentioned her husband, but now she can’t seem to stop bringing him up. And that makes me feel guilty. I would never make a move and try and initiate an affair. But I know that if she did, I would accept. And that makes me feel even worse.I enjoy Ashley’s company and while I’ve definitely fantasized about what it’d be like to have sex with her, what bothers me more is the thought that there is most likely a woman out there that I could have a happy and fulfilling relationship with. Not necessarily Ashley, but someone.I hate the idea of divorce because of my children. And I hate the idea of an affair because it’s wrong. I don’t know what to do.

[BreakOnThrough]

You have a lot of issues to contend with and I sympathize, mental illness is a tough road coupled with lack of intimacy. In my opinion, you are currently in a toxic environment that will eat away you and everyone in it, therefore, you need to plan an exit strategy, and more importantly, begin to create a safe and secure environment for your children. Don't mess around with someone else at this point and create more stress on an already fragile environment. It will only hurt you and your kids more in the long run.

[Mr. Lucky]

Shortly after the birth of our second son in 2009, we stopped having sex all together. That was it. I'm not sure why, but it just stopped. I didn't feel particularily inclined to initiate sex, and apparently she didn't either, because it's been a sexless marriage now for 7 years.

 

Makes absolutely no sense at all. You're not sure why you quit being intimate with your wife? You're not in a sexless marriage, you're in an effort-less marriage with a predictable result.

 

You don't give much insight into the other aspects of marriage and family. How is the relationship outside the bedroom? Does your wife have a normal bond with your sons? Have you done any marriage counseling together? How much does her mental health play a part in all of this?

 

There are two paths towards a better sex life -

 

1). Repair your marriage

2). Divorce and seek companionship elsewhere

 

Neither path includes cheating on your wife with "Ashley" from the gym. That choice would be guaranteed to make a difficult situation become chaotic and unmanageable. I'm not telling you to rule out infidelity because it's morally wrong - which it is, I'm advising you not to go there because it's simply the worst option at this point for you.

 

Keep posting, lots of support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited January 18, 2017 by Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I'm very sorry to hear of your wife's struggles. It does sound like she has some pretty serious mental health issues and it's good that she is getting treatment.

 

It's easy to appreciate why you would be interested in another woman. But, if you want to begin a relationship with another, please save yourself a lot of grief and end your marriage before starting a new relationship. An affair would only make your marriage and family life more complicated. It won't solve any of the problems with your wife and it will just cause new problems for you and your children.

 

You need to make a decision... Look at your wife and your life and think about what life would be like if you were to stay married and spend the rest of your life together. Don't stay because of the children. In a few years, they will be grown and gone and then, what will you have left?

 

It is possible to have a loving, healthy relationship with a woman. You are not wrong to want that. You need to decide if this woman is going to be your wife, or not.

 

Best wishes.

[mikeylo]

While it seems very tempting and easy way out at the moment but if you go through with it, you will end up with more problems than you started with.

 

Do the right thing by divorcing then starting fresh.

[cubfanforlife2016]

Our relationship outside of the bedroom is generally ok. There just isn't much intimacy in general comma not just physical, but emotional.

 

My biggest fear is what would happen if I did decide to divorce her. Her self-esteem is low and is a big reason she's had problems with mental illness. She's attempted suicide once iqama and the thought of a divorce might push her over the edge again.

[cubfanforlife2016]

My biggest fear is not what would happen to my children, but what would happen to her. The thought of another suicide attempt...or successful suicide as a result of divorce would be hard for me to live with.

[harrybrown]

so in June of 2016, you are a single dad.

 

Now you have been married for a long time.

 

Something is not adding up.

[Mr. Lucky]

My biggest fear is what would happen if I did decide to divorce her. Her self-esteem is low and is a big reason she's had problems with mental illness. She's attempted suicide once iqama and the thought of a divorce might push her over the edge again.

 

A legitimate and loving concern.

 

What steps have you taken to address the obvious issues in your marriage through therapy or counseling ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

 

My biggest fear is what would happen if I did decide to divorce her. Her self-esteem is low and is a big reason she's had problems with mental illness. She's attempted suicide once iqama and the thought of a divorce might push her over the edge again.

 

A legitimate and loving concern... However, her mental health issues will be ongoing and unfortunately, she could decide to attempt suicide at any time. Staying with her does not necessarily mean that she will not make another suicide attempt.

 

Also curious to know if you've tried counselling.

[cubfanforlife2016]

Yes, I said I was a single dad in my first post back in June so I wouldn't be judged. That's when I met "Ashley." I've been married since 2005. The sex ended in 2009 after my second son's birth. It wasn't really until after the suicide attempt in 2014 that I started "looking around." The suicide attempt is something I'm still talking to a therapist about...it's like someone walking out on you, but doing it in a very final way. I feel guilty for looking around, weak...

[oldshirt]

Our relationship outside of the bedroom is generally ok. There just isn't much intimacy in general comma not just physical, but emotional.

 

My biggest fear is what would happen if I did decide to divorce her. Her self-esteem is low and is a big reason she's had problems with mental illness. She's attempted suicide once iqama and the thought of a divorce might push her over the edge again.

 

How do you know the lack of intimacy and connection isn't just as bad for her and that a divorce wouldn't actually be good for her and make her feel better?

[BaileyB]

"Ashley" is obviously not the solution to the difficulties in your marriage.

 

It's not weak to look at another woman and wonder what it would be like to have a healthy and happy relationship with that woman. What is weak, is to have an affair and avoid dealing with the problems in your own marriage.

[ShatteredLady]

I don't mean this in a negative way at all...You are looking for help in the wrong place. You are a 'care giver' suffering from VERY common issues. You are highly unlikely to receive appropriate advise here unless you want to divorce or learn how NOT to mess your life-up with an affair.

 

Do you have a therapist? You need one. In the meantime find a care givers forum & read books on that subject (your therapist should specialize in that field too).

 

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It's the very extreme of "in sickness & in health". There is a lot of help out there. I truly hope that you find it & make the best choices for you & your family.

 

Best wishes.

[Starswillshine]

I fail to see how having an affair will improve any part of your life.

[ShatteredLady]

At any point since your son was born (even during her mental break) has she mentioned the lack of sex? Has she accused you of not finding her attractive? Does she think of herself as an attractive, desirable woman? Does she buy nice clothes, makeup, hair, really do herself up for special occasions? Do you flatter her?

 

Is she really down on herself? I would be! Childbirth can REALLY change the way a woman sees herself. Did she have natural births? Stitches? If my husband stopped being intimate with me after giving birth I wouldn't initiate either. I found 'taking the plunge' back into sex very frightening after having my baby. I don't know if lots of women do. I was scared it would hurt, that my husband wouldn't find me attractive, that it would feel different for him. Breast feeding added a layer of awkwardness.

 

Sex & intimacy is a habit. The more you do it, the more you want to. As a woman, not having sex for a while caused me a lot of stress. If you meet a new person you know that they find you attractive. If your body has changed you don't know if your H STILL finds you attractive.

 

We are raised in a culture where we are taught that men want sex most of the time & when they're not wanting it's because they're doing it! Men want it, need it & will do it to pretty much anything if desperate enough. If your husband doesn't want to have sex with you you've got to be even less erotic than his hand!!

 

I believe that rejection is far more damaging, on more emotional & mental levels for women than men. "Not tonight dear I've got a headache" is part of the vernacular FROM WOMEN! I'm not saying that rejection isn't awful for men but it is different. You pulling away from your wife & not bothering must of damaged her.

 

I think you've created a very stale, lazy marriage. A very depressing marriage to be in. If you cheat on your wife it will only confirm her deepest fears. At the moment she can lie to herself & say that you're just not a very sexual man. If you commit adultery there was no sex because she's hideous! Ugh! That would destroy any woman.

[cubfanforlife2016]

When my wife and I started dating comma she was very much into fitness and worked out frequently. After our first sexual encounter she expressed disappointment in my physique. I was hurt. I dumped her. If I had been the man that I am now I never would have considered taking her back. Imagine if a man said that to you.

 

Because of my wife bipolar disorder, and issues relating to her childhood she cannot express her emotions in a healthy way. There is no smile and hug when I come home from work, there is no sharing of feelings on her part.

 

Thanks for making me the villain.

[cubfanforlife2016]

At any point since your son was born (even during her mental break) has she mentioned the lack of sex? Has she accused you of not finding her attractive? Does she think of herself as an attractive, desirable woman? Does she buy nice clothes, makeup, hair, really do herself up for special occasions? Do you flatter her?

 

Is she really down on herself? I would be! Childbirth can REALLY change the way a woman sees herself. Did she have natural births? Stitches? If my husband stopped being intimate with me after giving birth I wouldn't initiate either. I found 'taking the plunge' back into sex very frightening after having my baby. I don't know if lots of women do. I was scared it would hurt, that my husband wouldn't find me attractive, that it would feel different for him. Breast feeding added a layer of awkwardness.

 

Sex & intimacy is a habit. The more you do it, the more you want to. As a woman, not having sex for a while caused me a lot of stress. If you meet a new person you know that they find you attractive. If your body has changed you don't know if your H STILL finds you attractive.

 

We are raised in a culture where we are taught that men want sex most of the time & when they're not wanting it's because they're doing it! Men want it, need it & will do it to pretty much anything if desperate enough. If your husband doesn't want to have sex with you you've got to be even less erotic than his hand!!

 

I believe that rejection is far more damaging, on more emotional & mental levels for women than men. "Not tonight dear I've got a headache" is part of the vernacular FROM WOMEN! I'm not saying that rejection isn't awful for men but it is different. You pulling away from your wife & not bothering must of damaged her.

 

I think you've created a very stale, lazy marriage. A very depressing marriage to be in. If you cheat on your wife it will only confirm her deepest fears. At the moment she can lie to herself & say that you're just not a very sexual man. If you commit adultery there was no sex because she's hideous! Ugh! That would destroy any woman.

When I first met my wife she was very much into fitness and would work out daily. After her first sexual encounter she expressed disappointment in my physique. I was extremely hurt by this and dumped her. If I was the man that I am now I never would have taken her back.

 

ShatteredLady, thank you for taking what quite possibly is your own experience and making me the villain. You're right it's my fault.

[aileD]

How do you think God would feel about you having an affair?

 

You said you're a church goer ...maybe you should talk to a pastor about how to not break your marriage vows

[gettingstronger]

Oh boy! This is a tough one. You need professional help. There's so many moving parts to this. I don't see how you can navigate this on your own. Neither solution sounds workable to me- an affair or the current state of your marriage.

Have you been to a therapist? You need support. Good luck.

[ShatteredLady]

Why would he want an affair? That would eventually involve sex with another woman & he has no interest in sex. He clearly states that he hasn't tried or asked his wife since she had their last child.

 

If I were her I'd be assuming that he either finds me repulsive or has other unspoken issues. With her mental problems I'd bet she's terrified to go there. Wouldn't you? As a woman who's given him their children?

 

This is too complicated. He's a care giver & needs support as such.

[seren]

OK, I am going to share on here what I don't share IRL with friends. My husband and I are in a marriage where we haven't had sex or intimacy for over 2 yrs, not my choice. He has PTSD and combat stress, he had an affair 9 yrs ago despite us reconciling, sex hasn't been too often, during his affair, he and the OW had sex rarely, what they did share was destructive and very dark.

 

I have spoken with H, have asked him if he wanted to try something different between us, if he wanted someone else, whatever he needed, his answer was that it isn't me, it is him, he still finds me attractive, sexy etc, but he cannot get an erection, he has viagra, but as he has heart problems I am loathe to have him take those. He went to his doctor to discuss his issues, which are our issues and while there the doctor found that he had a very sore and infected penis, he has had this for some time, but as part of the PTSD and feeling not good enough, he hadn't been to see about it as he viewed it as his punishment (not said that way, but that was the gist of it). He knows I miss intimacy, miss sex, but also that if celibacy has to be a feature of our marriage, then I will accept that. Why? because our marriage is more than sex, my love does not hinge on having sex with him, but sharing our life. However, that is my situation, not yours. The thing is, I have made my decision understanding the why of it and am making an informed decision to remain in a celibate marriage, if that is how it is to be.

 

It is up to you to decide what your morals allow you to accept, I cannot see a long term affair being the answer, not for you or your wife. The worse thing about an affair is the deceit, the lies and it is that, that will damage your wife's already fragile mental health. If you stay with her and go down the affair route, it will come to a head eventually, she will see you choosing to lie and see another woman as far more damaging than leaving and divorcing. If you leave and divorce, you can plan that she has help and support, having an affair is different.

 

I and my H have been together over 30 yrs, I cannot imagine a life without him, I certainly couldn't have an affair, it's sex and intimacy with him that I miss, not the act of sex or intimacy, I certainly couldn't go for a one night stand or a just for sex relationship, I couldn't betray him that way. Ultimately, what we faceless people think is not important, we all have our own line in the sand and moral code that allows us to do A or B. I don't think an A is the answer, but that is just my two pennyworth, just sharing my view from someone who understands.

[waterwoman]

No-one has called you a villain. Please try to be rational.

 

The lack of intimacy goes both ways, you are concerned about a lack of sex, is your wife? I guess that is what SL is trying to explore. It might be that your wife is suffering from the lack just as much as you are and for someone with low self-esteem it may be very damaging.

[wmacbride]

op,

you've got a lot on your plate, and in all honesty, it sounds like you are more looking for an escape than anything else. An A might give you a tiny respite, but's only going to make everything much , much worse in the long run.

 

You are currently acting in many ways as a caregiver, and no offence intended, you really sound like you resent that role. I'm not saying I agree with you, but I can understand where it is coming from. Getting yourself some caregiver support with others who understand what you are gong through can help. Even though it may feel like no one can understand, a support group with real live people and not just online can be really helpful.

 

I do call bull on some of what you are saying and your reasons for saying you can't divorce. It doesn't make sense to say that you can't talk to your wife, ask for a divorce, etc. one one hand, and then on the other, say you want to have an affair. What do you think that will do to you, and your children, if you cheat and she finds out? You could well push her so far down she will never be able to get back up. She will never trust you again, her heart will be broken far beyond what a divorce can do, and she may lose herself to the darkness completely.

 

btw, please stop rewriting your marriage. You're putting all the blame for your situation on your wife. Stop doing that. You had choices to make, even before you got married. You bring up comments she made before you asked her to marry you, but why did you marry her if she was so horrible, unloving cold and unemotional? Why did you have children with her? From what you say, this didn't just spring up overnight, it was there all along. You either ignored it or you are exaggerating it now to excuse your behavior and wanting an affair.

 

Now I bet you're going to lash out at me saying that, but how about instead of getting defensive and angry, you actually consider it? i've noticed you have gotten defensive over several posts that are not sympathetic to you, and why is that? Ask yourself why those questions bother you so much? What nerve are they hitting?

 

Also, about the girl at the gym? not every woman who talks to you wants you to get into her pants. the way she is bringing up her husband all the time sounds to me like she is trying to send the message that she is married and isn't interested in straying. She is not interested in you the way you are in her, so leave her alone. Don't try and drag her down along with you.

 

Simply put, stop placing all of the blame for your life on your wife. There is plenty to go around. Instead of making her 100 percent responsible and seeing your life as some sort of bus you're just riding along in, dig deeper and challenge yourself to figure out what role you had in all of this. Once you do that, you cna begin to make the changes you need to. It's not about either of you being a "villain". rather it's trying to find a way to make your life as great as it can be without compromising who you really are. if you are basically an honest guy, having an affair will eat you up inside and you find yourself becoming someone you don't like. Is a little bit on the side worth that?

[wifecheated]

You are already having an affair. An affair is anything you would do with someone that you would not want your spouse to know about. Stop talking to her. Break it off. Stop Jerking off to her. Go see a therapist.

 

In all likelihood you will not hear this and you will go and do something stupid and you WILL lose your kids and you WILL get divorced and you WILL declare bankruptcy and have to start all over again.

 

It is not worth it. Kiss your kids goodnight. Put your energy into them. Think about what will happen.

 

My wife had a mentor do the same thing you are doing. She fantasized about him and masterbated to him. He made a move on her. (the man always does and you will if you keep it up - as she will send you signals telling you to make the move) She had the affair and it devastated our lives. We are still married but I will never forgive her....

 

And get this... that woman that you are flirting with... her husband is already on to you... and as soon as she confesses a crush or he gets evidence -- he will tell your wife and you will not even have done anything and you will lose everything.

 

Think of this.... The lawyer I got after I figured it out (she did not tell me) -- hired a private detective and we got access to her email. There we found flirting language the he used -- "I am glad we did not talk about the thing I was hiding under the table" -- and that was enough to get a divorce (which I did not do but could have) and not pay any alimony. Oh, and I told his wife and I told her that I was going to sue her husband for "Alienation of affection" -- remember no sexual contact just flirting -- and his name and address would be in the filing -- so everyone would know what he did... copies of his emails attached to the complaint -- (he said to her, "I thought we agreed to delete all emails." but she didn't). He offered me money to settle without a lawsuit -- and his wife asked for copies of the emails when she divorced him for her filing...

 

Again, just flirting can get you into big trouble. So go to a therapist... Read hot blog postings... whatever... but you better run away from that woman and hope there is nothing anyone can pin on to you.