I'm in a Sexless Marriage - I Want to Have an Affair

[Mr. Lucky]

She's attempted suicide once and the thought of a divorce might push her over the edge again.

 

Have you also thought about what finding you've cheated on her might do?

 

cubfanforlife2016, you've got bigger issues than can be addressed on a discussion board. You've been asked a couple of times if you're in any type of couples counseling but you've chosen not to respond.

 

I hope you get the help you need and your choices bring you happiness...

 

Mr. Lucky

[cubfanforlife2016]

To answer your question, we did on and off couples therapy after the suicide attempt. But the bulk of the session dealt with the actual suicide attempt, her recovery, and the collateral damage that resulted from it.

 

For better or for worse, be both saw the same therapist separately for the past two years to work out our own issues, but I've come to realize that wasn't a good idea because I never felt free to open up out of fear that something I said in session would leak into her session. I'm currently looking for a new therapist.

 

Thank you all for your advice and comments. I needed to hear "don't do it." I won't be commenting further.

[BluesPower]

First off... Don't cheat, it is just wrong. Believe me I know.

 

I am not even going to talk about the effortless sexless marriage, OMG.

 

But listen to me on this. I have spent 26 of my 52 years dealing with a mentally ill wife, who has other issues as well.

 

It is not worth it. It never will be worth it. It is dangerous for your children.

 

You cannot fix her now, or ever. You cannot fix other people. Fact of the matter is that she is an adult and she needs to be able to take care of herself.

 

You are ruining your life and the lives of your children be staying in this marriage. If she needs to be institutionalized then do it. The fact is that you, by taking care of her the way that your are, you are enabling her to be the way that she is. She has not real need to get help and stay on her meds if you are there to take care of her.

 

I know everyone will think I am being too harsh, but I have lived it. I have lived it for 26 years and I am done living that way.

 

Please listen to what I am telling you. You are wasting your life, I know, I have done it already and you can never get those years back...

[bubbaganoosh]

You said you had to hide all the sharp objects in your house because of her condition.

 

Now you want to have an affair while living with a unstable woman through no fault of her own. Now let her find out about it somehow because affairs have a way of coming to the surface at the time of it's choosing and when it does the vision I see is a nightmare and you should be seeing it too.

 

Someone with a unstable mind can do things that could end up in the obituary section of the paper and for what? A piece of stray tail? If she tries to do herself harm and succeeds in it, look in the mirror. Or worse she goes off the real deep end and takes it out on the kids, I wouldn't be you for all the tea in China. Oh yeah or if she takes it out on you...............think of that.

 

Look you either get a divorce and go after the chick at the gym or whatever or get her fixed with a little more effort but whatever you decide to do, keep your pants zipped and do the right thing. Good luck to you

[Whoknew30]

My Uncle married a woman that no one knew had mental illness...it eventually came out in front of all us at a family wedding. She went bat s$&@ crazy & no one knew why. He has no choice but to tell everyone. He's has been put through the ringer after all these years & now that their older, it's really sad to see the shell of a man he's become.

 

You're worried about her bc you love her & that's great but you can't be any good for your kids if you allow yourself to be brought down mentality either. Having an A isn't going to help you & honestly why even bring a another person down into your situation. Misery can love company, don't do that to anyone else.

 

It's also not healthy for your kids to live in such a unhealthy environment. I empthaize with you being afraid of her committing sucicide bc I've watch two of my H family members do it but if someone is going to, their going to. Another can't take the blame for that choice...my heart goes out to you & your boys good luck.

[Whoknew30]

At any point since your son was born (even during her mental break) has she mentioned the lack of sex? Has she accused you of not finding her attractive? Does she think of herself as an attractive, desirable woman? Does she buy nice clothes, makeup, hair, really do herself up for special occasions? Do you flatter her?

 

Is she really down on herself? I would be! Childbirth can REALLY change the way a woman sees herself. Did she have natural births? Stitches? If my husband stopped being intimate with me after giving birth I wouldn't initiate either. I found 'taking the plunge' back into sex very frightening after having my baby. I don't know if lots of women do. I was scared it would hurt, that my husband wouldn't find me attractive, that it would feel different for him. Breast feeding added a layer of awkwardness.

 

Sex & intimacy is a habit. The more you do it, the more you want to. As a woman, not having sex for a while caused me a lot of stress. If you meet a new person you know that they find you attractive. If your body has changed you don't know if your H STILL finds you attractive.

 

We are raised in a culture where we are taught that men want sex most of the time & when they're not wanting it's because they're doing it! Men want it, need it & will do it to pretty much anything if desperate enough. If your husband doesn't want to have sex with you you've got to be even less erotic than his hand!!

 

I believe that rejection is far more damaging, on more emotional & mental levels for women than men. "Not tonight dear I've got a headache" is part of the vernacular FROM WOMEN! I'm not saying that rejection isn't awful for men but it is different. You pulling away from your wife & not bothering must of damaged her.

 

I think you've created a very stale, lazy marriage. A very depressing marriage to be in. If you cheat on your wife it will only confirm her deepest fears. At the moment she can lie to herself & say that you're just not a very sexual man. If you commit adultery there was no sex because she's hideous! Ugh! That would destroy any woman.

 

This is ridiculous...blaming a spouse on their spouses mental issues bc he's thinking about having an A. This all about insecurities which if a woman is feeling that way, then she would need to go get help for herself! You can't blame a H bc his wife feels crappy after giving birth.

 

I'm a woman with kids & don't agree with any of this at all...a woman with kids that didn't know went through my first pregnancy & was physically dying & didn't think like this. This is just saying it's all a H fault bc a woman is insecure...nope, it's the woman's fault in a situation like this bc she's not getting help for herself & just blaming her H.

[wmacbride]

First off... Don't cheat, it is just wrong. Believe me I know.

 

I am not even going to talk about the effortless sexless marriage, OMG.

 

But listen to me on this. I have spent 26 of my 52 years dealing with a mentally ill wife, who has other issues as well.

 

It is not worth it. It never will be worth it. It is dangerous for your children.

 

You cannot fix her now, or ever. You cannot fix other people. Fact of the matter is that she is an adult and she needs to be able to take care of herself.

 

You are ruining your life and the lives of your children be staying in this marriage. If she needs to be institutionalized then do it. The fact is that you, by taking care of her the way that your are, you are enabling her to be the way that she is. She has not real need to get help and stay on her meds if you are there to take care of her.

 

I know everyone will think I am being too harsh, but I have lived it. I have lived it for 26 years and I am done living that way.

 

Please listen to what I am telling you. You are wasting your life, I know, I have done it already and you can never get those years back...

 

op,

please, please PLEASE don't let anyone try and give you treatment advice for your wife online. None of us know her, none of us know her full diagnosis and all the factors that go into it.

 

I really do feel bad for you, as I have had a spouse who coped with mental illness, and I have have helped one of my children deal with severe and debilitating depression. My father's father committed suicide as well. Iknow it's not easy, and you do have to look after yourself, and an A is no way to do that.

 

You need professional support, and an online discussion forum is not the place to get it. Please , for the sale of your children, find a counselor in your area for yourself. Your wife's doctors may be able to help put your in contact with community supports, and if they can't , the hospital where she receives treatment may have a family support program.

 

I would also suggest getting your children some support, as they may need it too. You might not even realize it, but your w's illness affects you, which affects your kids, but they won't understand why.

[wmacbride]

This is ridiculous...blaming a spouse on their spouses mental issues bc he's thinking about having an A. This all about insecurities which if a woman is feeling that way, then she would need to go get help for herself! You can't blame a H bc his wife feels crappy after giving birth.

 

I'm a woman with kids & don't agree with any of this at all...a woman with kids that didn't know went through my first pregnancy & was physically dying & didn't think like this. This is just saying it's all a H fault bc a woman is insecure...nope, it's the woman's fault in a situation like this bc she's not getting help for herself & just blaming her H.

 

I'm sorry, but this comes off an extremely insensitive and really uneducated.

 

first off, referring to someone who is mentally ill as "bat**** crazy" is offensive.

 

Secondly, a woman who suffers mental illness ( e.g.- post partum depression, post partum psychosis, depression, bi-polar illness, etc.) doesn't develop those things because she is lazy, not trying or is "insecure". They are caused by biochemical imbalances in the brain, often exacerbated by hormones. You may have gotten throught he borth process with no problems mentally, but many woman aren;t so lucky.

 

Third, if you have never coped with mentally in yourself or a very close friend or relative, you have zero concept what diseases like this can do to a person. When my daughter w sill, it was a heroic effort just for her to get ou of bed in the morning. Her meds made her sick, she was sore all the time, and every day, she made a conscious decision not to end her life just so the mental pain would be over. The meds make you exhausted, they kill your libido ( she was a kid, so that didn't matter) , you gain wight and there's other side effects as well.

 

This is what mental illness is like. It's not about being lazy, having self esteem issues, or anything else. Would you say to a woman who was sick and exhausted from brat cancer and from the chemo that treats it that she is lazy, needs to boost her self esteem, or isn't trying hard enough?

[Whoknew30]

I'm sorry, but this comes off an extremely insensitive and really uneducated.

 

first off, referring to someone who is mentally ill as "bat**** crazy" is offensive.

 

Secondly, a woman who suffers mental illness ( e.g.- post partum depression, post partum psychosis, depression, bi-polar illness, etc.) doesn't develop those things because she is lazy, not trying or is "insecure". They are caused by biochemical imbalances in the brain, often exacerbated by hormones. You may have gotten throught he borth process with no problems mentally, but many woman aren;t so lucky.

 

Third, if you have never coped with mentally in yourself or a very close friend or relative, you have zero concept what diseases like this can do to a person. When my daughter w sill, it was a heroic effort just for her to get ou of bed in the morning. Her meds made her sick, she was sore all the time, and every day, she made a conscious decision not to end her life just so the mental pain would be over. The meds make you exhausted, they kill your libido ( she was a kid, so that didn't matter) , you gain wight and there's other side effects as well.

 

This is what mental illness is like. It's not about being lazy, having self esteem issues, or anything else. Would you say to a woman who was sick and exhausted from brat cancer and from the chemo that treats it that she is lazy, needs to boost her self esteem, or isn't trying hard enough?

 

You don't know what I have my degree in,to say I'm uneducated. You also don't know what or whom I've loved my life around or what I've seen...or even the position I was in after having my kids...don't ever assume where someone is coming from unless you know their back story...so please don't tell me "I don't know"...mental illness doesn't is not nor will be the fault of anyone else. Also you don't know I have a child with a neurological disorder myself!!!!!!! & live it EVERY DAY!

 

Mental illness does not take one's ability away to get help. I had a patient come in one day with twins...she called her H to have herself committed bc she felt like she was going to hurt her babies...I gave her all the respect in the world. She knew she had an issue, she took care of it & not once put the blame on anyone else. She was an example but I've seen this over the years many times...mental illness doesn't not equal taking blame off of ones self & or to enable certain behavior bc of it.

 

Also being educated in mental illness one would know, that it's important to help treat it. It not pretend penne codependent enough that you can fix them...that is coming wrong & false. Being supportive does not equal your fault or that you're another person's savior....in the future do not assume where a person is coming from...

 

Also, after my baby I was considered terminal from a disease I had due to

pregnancy...no laying in a hospital bed on & off for years & gaining 80 pounds due to treatment & what they also did to my mental frame of mind...didn't make me feel great but I not once put that blame on anyone else...& or ever expect anyone to walk around on egg shells around me....I had more life experience by 20 than most people I know that are way older...believe me not something I asked for...

[sandylee1]

Mental illness does not take one's ability away to get help.

 

Actually, certain mental health disorders do take away one's inability to get help for themselves. I think this here comment confirms exactly what WCAMc meant at the beginning of her post.

[CaliforniaGirl]

OP, this is all just so sad.

 

Of course affairs are wrong but seven years without sex is a very long time.

 

What happened with your wife sounds like psychosis/a psychotic break. I'm no therapist but the extreme paranoia, hallucinations and so on...didn't her doctor try to address those with medication (rather than just talk therapy)? Because...that's big. Really big. It really sounds like some sort of break/breakdown that goes beyond feeling down or tired or feeling like she looks dumpy after childbirth or whatever.

 

Even if it were postpartum depression, seven years down the road this should not still be the problem. At that point I would either think it was something chemical like, as I said, psychosis OR that she had an underlying long-term depression. I am just surprised that all that's been addressed so far (I think?) has been talk therapy...and anyway...that doesn't seem to be working, does it?

 

Is she ever alone with the children? Are you still afraid to have her be alone with the children?

 

Has she addressed the extreme work stress issue? Has she reduced her hours?

 

This is pretty darned deep and as I said, very, very, very big. If I were staying awake and hiding knives because I feared for my children I'd be finding a way to get them and myself the hell out of the house, frankly. You really believe staying together so the kids can remain with a mother who might yank a knife out of the drawer in the middle of the night will be LESS traumatic to them than divorce, you obtaining custody and her having visitation?

[wmacbride]

You don't know what I have my degree in,to say I'm uneducated. You also don't know what or whom I've loved my life around or what I've seen...or even the position I was in after having my kids...don't ever assume where someone is coming from unless you know their back story...so please don't tell me "I don't know"...mental illness doesn't is not nor will be the fault of anyone else. Also you don't know I have a child with a neurological disorder myself!!!!!!! & live it EVERY DAY!

 

Mental illness does not take one's ability away to get help. I had a patient come in one day with twins...she called her H to have herself committed bc she felt like she was going to hurt her babies...I gave her all the respect in the world. She knew she had an issue, she took care of it & not once put the blame on anyone else. She was an example but I've seen this over the years many times...mental illness doesn't not equal taking blame off of ones self & or to enable certain behavior bc of it.

 

Also being educated in mental illness one would know, that it's important to help treat it. It not pretend penne codependent enough that you can fix them...that is coming wrong & false. Being supportive does not equal your fault or that you're another person's savior....in the future do not assume where a person is coming from...

 

Also, after my baby I was considered terminal from a disease I had due to

pregnancy...no laying in a hospital bed on & off for years & gaining 80 pounds due to treatment & what they also did to my mental frame of mind...didn't make me feel great but I not once put that blame on anyone else...& or ever expect anyone to walk around on egg shells around me....I had more life experience by 20 than most people I know that are way older...believe me not something I asked for...

 

The irony of what you say is that you are judging this guys wife as being lazy, just needs a kick in the but, just needs to smarten up after a few biased comments from her H?

 

Mental illness is not something you can will away or just force to the background, and just because you were saintly enough to pick yourself up doesn't mean everyone else is able to do that.

Also, not every mental illness is the same, is treated the same, or is as easy to control. As an educated person, I would think you would be aware of that.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your child having a neurological disorder.All of of mine do, and I know it can be really hard, but ask yourself this.

Do you judge your child, see it as laziness or some other fluffy thing that causes hi or her issues? If not, then why is it okay to speak like this about a women with a mental illness?

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, this is all just so sad.

 

Of course affairs are wrong but seven years without sex is a very long time.

 

This isn't something his wife unilaterally forced on him:

 

Shortly after the birth of our second son in 2009, we stopped having sex all together. That was it. I'm not sure why, but it just stopped. I didn't feel particularily inclined to initiate sex, and apparently she didn't either, because it's been a sexless marriage now for 7 years.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Silveron]

I can totally relate to where you are, OP. My wife has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Sex happens once every 6 months and only if she's drunk. Like you, I don't get affection, I don't get a 'How was your day?'. The last birthday card I got, was from her co-worker, not my wife. The year before that, the card she got me was one of those generic cards that you buy 20 in a box.. She didn't even sign it.

 

 

Read up on BPD, she might have that as well. It's harder to keep the boundaries in sight when going out and meeting new people (women). They seem to naturally come up to me and been told I'm easy to talk to. Anyway, when I'm home (like you) you don't get much communication from them.

 

 

My wife was suicidal as well and the thought of my 8 yr. old daughter having to go through more trauma because either I divorced and left her or cheated, keeps me in check. However, the result of this is living in a cold marriage.

 

 

I would suggest to keep doing the therapy route and realize that Ashley might not be everything you are fantasizing about. I'm sure she has demons in her closet as well.

 

 

Don't feel guilty about wanting something more. Like you, I would love to have something more with my wife, but I know mentally she can't give it. It's an incurable mental illness. Nothing we did caused it and probably like me, you didn't know she had this until well after marriage.

[CaliforniaGirl]

This isn't something his wife unilaterally forced on him:

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No. But over time, that lack of sex WILL be felt, generally. Even if one "didn't feel like" doing it with the one particular person s/he was with at the time, it then became a habit, most likely, but then...? SEVEN years later? Obviously the OP is feeling it *now*...and that's not a theory of mine, he actually came on here to LS to say it's what he's feeling now. That's the whole reason he's posting...he so misses sex that he is (or was) considering an affair.

 

OP, I'm kind of stunned that you seem to think this is all wrapped up and solved now that you've decided not to have an A. Um, what about all that stuff about hiding knives and having to go all night without sleep to protect the kids from something horrific, devastating and largely unsaid but looming frighteningly in your posts? All that has disappeared too? What is going on...? If your wife literally is as mentally ill as you say and you have described all this without any embellishment at all, how ON EARTH could you be all good and fine with just your decision not to have sex with another woman? What the heck about your kids and the knives and attempted suicide and...?

 

None of that is important anymore?

[ShatteredLady]

This is ridiculous...blaming a spouse on their spouses mental issues bc he's thinking about having an A. This all about insecurities which if a woman is feeling that way, then she would need to go get help for herself! You can't blame a H bc his wife feels crappy after giving birth.

 

I'm a woman with kids & don't agree with any of this at all...a woman with kids that didn't know went through my first pregnancy & was physically dying & didn't think like this. This is just saying it's all a H fault bc a woman is insecure...nope, it's the woman's fault in a situation like this bc she's not getting help for herself & just blaming her H.

 

 

What I was speculating (in context) was how his wife could feel because HE NEVER WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH HER!

 

How would you of felt if your H refused to touch you?

 

I was speculating so harshly because (despite the OP being very honest) people were blaming HER for the sexless marriage.

 

I agree MOST women do NOT feel like that because most women's husbands want to touch them after childbirth & don't pull away & refuse sex.

 

We have ZERO evidence that his wife does not want sex.

 

Context makes all the difference to posts. If we ignore context we're just individuals posting soliloquies on the net.

[ShatteredLady]

I don't mean this in a negative way at all...You are looking for help in the wrong place. You are a 'care giver' suffering from VERY common issues. You are highly unlikely to receive appropriate advise here unless you want to divorce or learn how NOT to mess your life-up with an affair.

 

Do you have a therapist? You need one. In the meantime find a care givers forum & read books on that subject (your therapist should specialize in that field too).

 

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It's the very extreme of "in sickness & in health". There is a lot of help out there. I truly hope that you find it & make the best choices for you & your family.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

I stand by my first post.

 

Of course this has become about sex & adultery. That's what this forum is all about!

[Bufo]

Mechanical watches, usually Swiss made, are judged by collectors in part by how many "complications"' they have. These complications are functions beyond simply telling the time. Stop watch, day and date, moon phase, other time zone times, etc are some examples.

 

Your marriage, however, is not a mechanical watch. Rather it's the opposite. Fewer complications are better. An affair is a major complication on top of W's mental health issue, loss of job issue. Do you really think the complication of an A will make your life better?

 

Short term gain for long term pain is how I see the typical A result.

 

Address the issue with her. Divorce her if you must. But please don't be the typical guy in an affair.

[Ahurtgirl]

Having an affair isn't going to help. The best thing you can do for your kids is to not expose them to your wife. Mental illness of a parent has life long effects on children. Remove them from her influence so they have a chance of a normal future.

[spanz1]

sounds pretty unresolvable. Not even a card on your birthday!

 

 

There ARE wonderful women out there who would be GREAT for your ego AND in rearing your daughter. Time to start looking, which your lawyer draws up the papers. Try to get full custody of the kid

[AnneP]

Hi Everyone. I'm hoping to get some advice without judgement. Maybe someone can relate to my current situation.

 

My wife and I have been married for nearly 12 years, and were together 2 years before marriage. We have 2 young boys.

 

To be honest, sex and physical connection were never tremendously strong from the get go, but it was there nevertheless, so I never considered it a problem. From the beginning though, there was always this feeling that I didn't marry for the right reason. Even on the altar, watching my soon-to-be wife walk down the aisle, I wasn't all that excited. Shortly after the birth of our second son in 2009, we stopped having sex all together. That was it. I'm not sure why, but it just stopped. I didn't feel particularily inclined to initiate sex, and apparently she didn't either, because it's been a sexless marriage now for 7 years.

 

In 2013, my wife had a nervous breakdown as a result of work stress. Work has always been her everything. She is defined by her work and her success...or lack there of. The breakdown was extremely traumatizing for me and my children (although I was able to shield them from the worst of it by sending them to my parents). She went completely crazy: she thought our phones were tapped, the house was bugged, she was having hallucinations. At 2 a.m. in the morning, I'm searching the house for anything sharp and hiding it. Knives, scissors, letter openers...you name it. I had to decide whether I should stay awake to prtect my children, or try and sleep so I could function the next day because I knew it was going to involve the hospital. Her recovery took months and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder with disassociative tendencies.

 

We got through that and things seemingly returned to normal. But a year later, after more work issues, she fell into a sudden and deep depression. Then she attempted suicide. She first tried hanging herself with my belt, and when that failed she slit her wrists. I found her in time and called the paramedics.

 

Since the suicide attempt, she's been faithfully taking her meds and seeing a therapist and her mental health has been stable even dispite losing her job in May.

 

Early in the summer, I was approached by a woman at the gym. We're both regulars, and to be honest, I'd been kind of admiring her from a far. She introduced herself and we talked a bit. She (I'll call her Ashley)has 3 children.Over the next several months, out chats went from brief “Hi, how was your weekend?” to conversations that sometimes lasted the length of our workouts. And now I’m totally crushing on her. As far as I know, she’s happily married. She’s active in the church (as am I) which I admire. When we first met, she almost never mentioned her husband, but now she can’t seem to stop bringing him up. And that makes me feel guilty. I would never make a move and try and initiate an affair. But I know that if she did, I would accept. And that makes me feel even worse.I enjoy Ashley’s company and while I’ve definitely fantasized about what it’d be like to have sex with her, what bothers me more is the thought that there is most likely a woman out there that I could have a happy and fulfilling relationship with. Not necessarily Ashley, but someone.I hate the idea of divorce because of my children. And I hate the idea of an affair because it’s wrong. I don’t know what to do.

 

My mother is bipolar and also experiences both visual/auditory hallucinations. This only has occurred when she didn't take her medicine or when she was under tremendous stress.

 

For my mother, I believe her baby blues turned into depression, which eventually led to bipolar. It didn't happen over-night and I'm sure it was the same for your wife. My mom has only had to be hospitalized once in the past 10 years because we (her children) have taken a very active part in making sure her medicine is taken properly and when we notice symptoms of stress and see she could go manic, we have learned how to adjust her medicine accordingly. Her psychiatrist has been a blessing in explaining how to do this at home and avoid hospitalization. Do you attend her psychiatrist appointments with her? My mom tends to not be completely honest if she goes alone and that has led to the psych reducing medications that she needed. The key is finding the right medication and sticking to it. Sometimes they stop working and things have to change, but often times the bipolar person doesn't recognize they are going manic and that's why it's so important that someone takes the role in helping manage her care.

 

I don't think you should have an affair. I think you should tell your wife that you feel you've both lost your connection and you either A) separate/divorce or B) Go to counseling and work on your marriage.

 

Don't have an affair. You'll regret it. You will hurt so many people in the process. What about "in sickness and in health?" She has no control over this illness anymore than a person who is hit by a car and left as a parapalegic. She didn't choose this.

 

Also: Just an FYI - my parents separating led to my mother completely breaking down. My dad raised 4 kids starting at age: 3, 10, 11, and 16.

This is a very real possibility that you'll end up solely raising your children. Are you prepared for that?

Edited January 27, 2017 by AnneP

[JamesM]

I am going to make this brief if you even come back to read it. Brief is a relative term BTW.

 

I am in a sexless marriage. It has gotten better and then it doesn't. Up and down. If you want, then you can read many many posts that I have written. Mr. Lucky and I have shared many thoughts over the years, and following his advice would be good for you.

 

 

To answer your title: I understand how you may think you want an affair with this Ashley, but I contend that you really don't. You simply want someone like Ashley as your wife. Even if Ashley did say yes or offer an affair to you, then I would say that it would not fulfill what you want anyhow. Oh, you would have fun entering into Affairyland. You would enjoy the emotional rush. But the ending? It won't be a happy one (pun intended).

 

What you may want is sex with a woman who appreciates you as you are. Ever since your wife criticized your physique, my guess is that you began not liking sex with her as much...yet you stayed. Maybe you hoped she would tell you differently. Who knows. So now this Ashley is making you feel great, so you think being with her would be great.

 

Think of it this way though. I doubt that Ashley wants you for her affair partner. Maybe Ashley simply thinks she is being a great friend. Then she gets the vibes that you want more. So she begins talking more about her husband. Women do this as a way to tell a guy that she is happily married. I know. My wife does it. A girl I know real well called to talk, and as she said goodbye, she said, tell you wife I said hi. It is about putting up barriers in a friendship.

 

So I think addressing the issues in your marriage is the best thing for you. You have a tough road to walk. Bipolar is not an easy thing to deal with. I don't have that, but I have other wife issues that make my life complicated. Accept her as she is. Decide if you love her as either a friend, wife or the mother of your children. Then decide how to proceed forward.

 

An affair will do more damage to her than a divorce IMO. Rejecting her with divorce is one thing. Rejecting her by taking another woman is another thing and often harder for women to handle.

 

Now I add one thing without condoning it. You said you are in a sexless marriage and want sex. Then get sex. Pay an escort. Just don't bring in another woman. Adding an affair with someone who will expect you to be at the least committed to her while married, will only make your life more difficult. And she will expect from you your time, your money, your love, your friendship, and more...all in exchange for sex. And then if you fight or she is sick or she has her period or more, then she won't want sex BUT she will want your time, your money, your friendship, etc.

 

Wanting sex, I understand. Wanting an affair, I don't.

[BluesPower]

No, sorry Ashley is in to you...

 

I mean if you are in a sexless marriage, bang her. But it is really more than that.

 

You want a woman to desire you and want you, which is what a lot of women, sorry ladies, just do not understand. Men want to be desired as much as women do.

 

My Number one GF makes me feel like a king, that is why she will always be number one. And you know she is a little heavy, and I could care less.

 

She is a monster in the bedroom, every moment that we are together she wants me. Today she called me her boy toy, which is a little insulting, but frankly I am her sexual toy and I like it.

 

I say bang Ashley, just get it over with, you are going to have to get a divorce pretty soon anyway. You wife does not love you and she is not attracted to you and you don't do it for her, so what choice do you have.

 

Just start banging the new girl and start the divorce proceedings.

 

You will be so much happier...

[JamesM]

Just start banging the new girl and start the divorce proceedings.

 

You will be so much happier...

 

Can I ask you a frank question (even though you are probably not Frank)....how did it make you feel when your wife (or is it ex-wife?) cheated on you? How did it make her feel when you cheated on her?

 

From reading your threads, it looks like you have dealt with alot of infidelity. The sex may have been fun but did you find that it made you happier? Did it make you happier when you discovered the many times your wife did it to you?

 

And if I read your response correctly, then you think Ashley is into him. I may differ in my conclusion, but even if she is, will adding another relationship make his life better or more painful? If he decides for divorce, then would it not be better to simply do that and then proceed to break up Ashley's marriage?

 

Just curious.

[BluesPower]

OK, I will tell you...

 

Yes STBXW by the way.

 

Like every man that has been cheated on, it is the most horrible thing in the world, there a couple of things worse but this is one of the worse.

 

The reason that I say for him to go ahead is the following:

1) He is not really into his wife at all, he may love her still but he is totally not into her.

 

2) She is totally not into him in any way what so ever. I have stay with a women that I loved but did not love me. IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

 

3) They are not having any sex at all. That is just crazy.

 

4) He could stand on his head 24 hours a day and she will not love or desire him.

 

It is better to be divorced and happy than married and miserable. He should bang the new girl and start the divorce process. Bottom line.

 

For me, when my wife's drug addiction got to the point that we were not having sex, I was out getting laid with in the month.

 

And I felt not guilt what so ever.

 

How's that???