BF is "friends" with former affair partner

[Madgirl]

Hi,

 

I found out that my LDR boyfriend of 2 years is friends with a woman that he once had a physical affair with, years before I knew him.

 

They live in different countries too now so it's unlikely that they'll be together physically again, however they text a lot and her hold over him and their emotional connection worries me. I knew they were friends but assumed she was someone that he heard from once a month or something, not several times a week. She's still married to the guy that she cheated on with my bf and he found out about the affair before but doesn't know that they still text.

 

Said woman strung him along for years saying she was getting divorced but that came to nothing. She was also partially responsible for the break up of a previous relationship before me. He's told me quite a bit about her and I think she has a personality disorder or something. Her husband once told my bf that she "likes playing games".

 

When I found out about their history I texted her on his phone (with his permission) and she freaked out and then sent me a load of info about how they'd been saying I love you etc to each other the day he flew out to visit me for the first time! He denies this. I've seen some of their texts and most of it was just general blah blah talking about what they'd been doing but there was one where he told her I'd been asking who he was texting and she was laughing and saying they barely text. He then told her "The "we are friends" thing only goes so far. Oh well, I didn't forget you". And she was all awwww back at him! She tends to be a sympathetic ear I've noticed, all very agreeable and lots of LOL's and awws. She never mentions her husband.

 

After she texted me that stuff my bf didn't speak to her for over a week. He was mad at what she'd texted to me. Then, she sent me a private message request on Facebook! Saying she "regretted" what she said and here's what really happened, changing her story. It was all about her. I doubt she had any feelings of regret about what she'd said to me, she was just freaking out because he wasn't speaking to her. She was also trying to find out if he'd stopped speaking to her or if I'd forbidden him from contacting her. I ignored this message but showed it to my boyfriend, fearing that non-disclosure would count against me. They did start texting again eventually.

 

My boyfriend is an Aspie and that causes a lot of communication issues between us, also he has no idea when women are hitting on him or guess people's intentions. He just can't see this situation from my point of view, either that or he doesn't care. We've had so many discussions/arguments about this. They have a common interest that they talk about and he also says that he doesn't have many friends and can talk to her about stuff. I'm his girlfriend, he should be speaking to me about stuff! I feel that him being friends with her is holding back *our* relationship development. He's quite paranoid about me cheating, even though I don't even look at other guys. He said he'd hate if I did the same thing (being friends) with an ex of mine. He has also complained to this woman about me and shares lots of private info - including the fact that this situation has made me ill (I'm on meds for anxiety) and we're in counselling - despite me asking him to keep it to himself. Things that I haven't even told my family so why the hell would I want her to know when she is the problem?!

 

My boyfriend says that he loves me and that he wouldn't want to be involved with this woman again because she's "too old" and she had her chance. I'd felt that he was keeping her there just in case we didn't work out but he said not even if her husband died would he go after her again. It's all very weird.

 

He thinks she's harmless and says she's never tried anything or said anything against me since we've been dating. I think some woman are very sneaky and bide their time in these situations. Her very presence has got me worried. It's not as if it's me being jealous of all women either, he's friends with his ex wife and that doesn't bother me, neither do his other female friends. But this woman has ulterior motives I think and my spidey senses are twitching.

 

He has cut down the texting with her (so he says) but I still feel awful about it all and I wish the witch would just go away

[RecentChange]

Yeah I am not cool with my BF being close to anyone they used to bang. Not weekly texting, hell no.

 

This is basically an affair that never ended. MAYBE they aren't sleeping together anymore, but the emotional affair is still alive and well.

 

And it's such BS that they are STILL carrying this on behind her husband's back.

 

PS. Texts can be selectively deleted. You don't know if he is getting rid of the juicy stuff.

 

Also, how far is the distance? How often do you meet in person?

[BTDT2012]

Dating is the time to get to know people. Rather than wishing her away, cut your losses and make him go away.

[Madgirl]

We're about as far away from each other that it's possible to be. Thousands of miles. OW is also thousands of miles away from my bf. He has family in her home country but a long way away. She used to tell him she'd come over to visit him - he decided to move on when he realised she was talking crap. But still he keeps her around!

 

BF and I have seen each other once or twice a year since we got together. This is his longest stint here (5 months) and he leaves in a couple of weeks. He's met all my family and I've met some of his.

 

Yeah I was wondering about the texts. He did show me some once after I noticed they'd been texting a lot (I thought it was very occasional contact) and it was just general stuff. I did have a scroll through the texts the night I discovered all this (he was asleep) and again it was mostly daily blah blah and pics of stuff but he bitched to her about me a few times along with the aforementioned "I didn't forget you". I didn't look at everything, there was a lot and I was scared what I might find. Kinda wish I had now.

 

My bf is quite childlike and OW is rather immature for her age (nearly 50). He goes on about their shared interest and him being able to talk to her when he doesn't have many friends, but sheesh he could join a club or something related to the interest! And he should be opening up to me.

 

I sometimes think he doesn't trust me, despite me being a good person who does her best by him, and yet he divulges all our private info to this poisonous creature and thinks she's "cool"!!

[RecentChange]

So I know it's not the focus of your thread, but what is the end game with this LDR?

 

Are you moving to his area soon? Is he moving to yours?

 

Are you two happy being celibate for months and months on end?

 

I think long term - long distance relationships have a way of stealing time from people. Time that could have been spent in the comfort of a lovers arms, or building a home and life together.

 

What do you have to show for the last two years? How many memories have you been able to create together?

 

And back on topic, I think it is quite disrespectful to you that he keeps his old lover in his life

[road]

Dating is the time to get to know people. Rather than wishing her away, cut your losses and make him go away.

 

 

 

Yes if he can't live without her in his life then he can live with you in your life.

[mikeylo]

She is as much his ex as you are his current.

[sandylee1]

I'd ditch the boyfriend. He shouldn't be having a secret relationship of any sort with a married woman behind her husband's back.

 

Why can't he just cut her off altogether?

At this rate she'll always be in his life and I wouldn't accept it. It's a waste of time and energy.

[sandylee1]

And if your boyfriend really had any recognition of wrongdoing or remorse for having an affair, he wouldn't be in contact with her.

 

You'd do well to question his moral standards within your own mind and decide if you're on the same wavelength.

 

A man who is the OM, has the same ethics as a man who will cheat on you. Instead he makes himself the victim by saying she strung him along. She was married ... of course she'd string him along.

[VeveCakes]

ugh yeah...he is investing way too much energy in this "friend" who he had an affair with....

 

There is 0 reason him and her should be in touch. 0. She is trying to keep you close so she knows what you know...that is all.

[Whoknew30]

First, when dating someone that's on the spectrum...you have to let go anything "normal" or it's not going to work to begin with...people with Autism do not let people go that they've made a connection with, wether healthy or unhealthy. He's always going to let her back in bc of it & that's why he's being so honest & will never see it from your point of view. No matter how typical he acts, having Autism effects this part of the brain...he's never really going to truly understand this as "wrong"...bc he's no longer being physical with her.

[l8estnews]

There was this poster here who was with a man so in love with a girl, who left him before. The poster and the guy married and had 1 kid. Then the girl came back...

 

Guess who the guy chose?

 

I agree, cut your losses and find someone really yours 100%

[Whoknew30]

And if your boyfriend really had any recognition of wrongdoing or remorse for having an affair, he wouldn't be in contact with her.

 

You'd do well to question his moral standards within your own mind and decide if you're on the same wavelength.

 

A man who is the OM, has the same ethics as a man who will cheat on you. Instead he makes himself the victim by saying she strung him along. She was married ... of course she'd string him along.

 

He has Autism...that changes a person's moral outlook.

[Madgirl]

So I know it's not the focus of your thread, but what is the end game with this LDR?

 

Are you moving to his area soon? Is he moving to yours?

 

Are you two happy being celibate for months and months on end?

 

I think long term - long distance relationships have a way of stealing time from people. Time that could have been spent in the comfort of a lovers arms, or building a home and life together.

 

What do you have to show for the last two years? How many memories have you been able to create together?

 

And back on topic, I think it is quite disrespectful to you that he keeps his old lover in his life

 

We've had lots of good times. Moves have been discussed although visas and so on are tricky so need to be looked into and we're not 100% sure who will do the moving. He's also mentioned me possibly going to meet his child this year which would be a big step.

 

Marriage has been discussed, quite enthusiastically at first, although he then doubts himself and cites various people (including OW and hubby) who are in unhappy marriages and says that he doesn't want either of us to be unhappy. He once even showed me a text he'd sent OW saying that he'd found his future wife! I can't remember her reply but it wasn't negative although I doubt she was happy. It's all so bizarre. I wonder if she tries to dissuade him from taking that step. He did actually assume we were engaged for a while, I think just because marriage had been mentioned, not realising that you're supposed to actually propose to the other person first.

 

We don't have much sex, he's not that into it (not ASD related, he has a lot of hang ups about his body and thinks his hormones are going). He's loving and affectionate in other ways though and we've had some great times together and travelled together etc. He's really funny, smart, interesting and different. He has low self esteem though and worries that I'll find someone else.

 

And yes his autism means that he doesn't see things (right/wrong) the way that the rest of us do.

 

I'm not sure what I can do, tell her husband? Did I mention that this chick looks like me? It's like he went and found a replacement for her.

[sandylee1]

He has Autism...that changes a person's moral outlook.

 

He still knows it's wrong regardless.

 

I wouldn't waste my time with him,

[dichotomy]

My wife, then dating and later engaged to me carried on an hidden emotional affair/connection to a MM she had been sexual with for years prior to me. I did not find out till after we married that they were still in contact - mostly over computer and phone, but occasionally in person

 

My response after finding out (after our wedding) was - No Contact ever again - or I am gone. If I had found out while we were dating - I would have dumped her ass so quick. Continuing to communicate with a married AP is wrong. Your BF has no sense of decency or boundaries or respect for marriage vows.

[Whoknew30]

He still knows it's wrong regardless.

 

I wouldn't waste my time with him,

 

Actually, no he doesn't. That's the part of the brain Autism affects. You can tell him why a million times but if he's not doing anything wrong in that moment, someone on the spectrum has a really difficult time understanding certain behaviors are negative.

[Whoknew30]

My wife, then dating and later engaged to me carried on an hidden emotional affair/connection to a MM she had been sexual with for years prior to me. I did not find out till after we married that they were still in contact - mostly over computer and phone, but occasionally in person

 

My response after finding out (after our wedding) was - No Contact ever again - or I am gone. If I had found out while we were dating - I would have dumped her ass so quick. Continuing to communicate with a married AP is wrong. Your BF has no sense of decency or boundaries or respect for marriage vows.

 

He has Autism...you can't compare how a neurotypical thinks vs someone on the spectrum. OP knows this...

[sandylee1]

Actually, no he doesn't. That's the part of the brain Autism affects. You can tell him why a million times but if he's not doing anything wrong in that moment, someone on the spectrum has a really difficult time understanding certain behaviors are negative.

 

 

Not one of these things indicates that he can't tell right from wrong in this situation.

 

There's too much using mental disorders as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

 

Like the bipolar woman, who would break up with her husband every time she wanted to have sex with someone else and she could use the excuse of we were on a break if he found out.

 

She's still married to the guy that she cheated on with my bf and he found out about the affair before but doesn't know that they still text.

 

If he didnt know it was wrong, there would be no need for her husband not to know. He knows it's wrong.

 

Said woman strung him along for years saying she was getting divorced but that came to nothing.

 

So he knew he couldn't be with her because she was married. He knew it was wrong.

 

If he views his continued contact as okay, he wouldn't have said this. ...

He said he'd hate if I did the same thing (being friends) with an ex of mine

 

So OP, with him not wanting you to do the same, why do you tolerate it?

[Whoknew30]

Not one of these things indicates that he can't tell right from wrong in this situation.

 

There's too much using mental disorders as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

 

Like the bipolar woman, who would break up with her husband every time she wanted to have sex with someone else and she could use the excuse of we were on a break if he found out.

 

She's still married to the guy that she cheated on with my bf and he found out about the affair before but doesn't know that they still text.

 

If he didnt know it was wrong, there would be no need for her husband not to know. He knows it's wrong.

 

Said woman strung him along for years saying she was getting divorced but that came to nothing.

 

So he knew he couldn't be with her because she was married. He knew it was wrong.

 

If he views his continued contact as okay, he wouldn't have said this. ...

He said he'd hate if I did the same thing (being friends) with an ex of Wiredmine

 

So OP, with him not wanting you to do the same, why do you tolerate it?

 

If on the spectrum, it effects a certain part of the brain. It's why some can be rocket scientist but can not tie their shoe & or understand social ques.

 

This isn't a argument, autism is what it is...my oldest friend is an aspie & continues to makeup stories he knows are not true & have been explained a 100 times by his parents...he still tells them to my daughter bc he thinks the stories will make him like her. Me being a mom of autistic son, understand it.

 

You're comparing metal illness with a neurological disorder. It's completely different, chemical vs how a brain is wired, is not the same thing.

[rick2016]

I know about Autism, and its true, they do not use it as an excuse, you have to be involved with it to understand it..

[ShatteredLady]

But he can understand that his continued communications with her make YOU very sad. He wants you to be happy. He should stop communicating with her (right or wrong, in his mind) to make you happy.

 

Do you trust him?