Wife told me she thinks we need a trial separation.

[barry23]

Well it's been kind of quiet the past days. I haven't been able to post cause I haven't really known what to say. I'm sad. I don't want my marriage to end. We are seeing a MC tommorrow so I guess I have that to look forward too. Someone here suggested I checked out. I love my wife, I fear the thought of losing her. I did what I thought a guy does for his wife show love and affection, tending to her needs, going on dates, rubbing her feet and legs every night(just finished doing this) All signs point to she hasn't slept with him, I have a var in her car and access to her phone. I suggested a polygraph and she got offended and said "sure if you don't mind sleeping on the couch." She got pretty upset about it..

[BuddyX]

You don't "suggest" a poly test. It's either she does it or doesn't. You still need to work on your strength.

Edited January 28, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[Chaparral]

Tell her you will happily sleep on the couch if she doesn't asses the test. If she fails, tell her you don't care whose couch she sleeps on as long as it's somewhere else. Call her bluff. Man up. Women actually prefer men who stand up for them selves. It's attractive.

[ShatteredLady]

Part of this is me playing devils advocate & part of this is what I stated in my last post.... I went though this WHOLE thread reading JUST the OP's posts. Are many members here having PRIVATE conversations with the OP? Will someone PLEASE tell me where your information is coming from?

 

Devils advocate - The OP is simply paranoid. Could this be true?

 

There is NO evidence really that she is having any kind of affair with this guy from work. The OP doesn't answer questions on this forum.

 

In everyday life with complete strangers I'm very good at shutting down men. I can't, hand on heart, swear blind that in a NEW JOB, with a popular, outrageous flirty guy I would do anything more than state "No!" Or "I'm married!" & embarrassed emoticons.

 

Has no-one known a guy like this? (Again Devils advocate. I'm assuming he's NOT trying to bed her) I've known men who say outrageous things (wow. I had a gay friend at work & occasionally our jokes would make a hooker blush!) to EVERYONE. It's just how they are with ALL WOMEN. People who know them just find it funny.

 

She's NEW. She sees him AND how others behave around him. I've asked the OP what SHE has written to this guy & he hasn't answered. I'm assuming that her side of things is so innocent that the WORST he can list are the quotes given "No! I'm married! Blush emoticon"

 

How is this so obviously an affair?

 

Now the "I want a separation" threat, in an argument, apologized for the very next day.

 

Members might be correct & this is evidence of extreme "fantasy life" over this coworker...

 

...or she could of just been VERY angry & frustrated. Is she a crazy who hits the roof because ONCE he doesn't put something in the laundry? Possible.

 

As a wife this sounds like a fight over something a lot bigger than dirty boxers on the floor. Assuming she's a 'normal', mentally competent wife, this sounds like an extremely frustrated lady. It sounds like something extreme said in the heat of the moment because she's not being heard.

 

Are dirty undies representative of "I do everything around here! I'm stressed with a new job, coming home to cook & clean. I feel like a slave (how many wives have felt this?!?) & you can't even put your dirty underwear in the hamper! Im NOT heard & I'm not appreciated! I make beautiful albums & write long kind love letters & what do I get?? Boxers on the floor!!"

 

Am I the only wife who occasionally 'flips her top' over these things in life?

 

I'm not a wife who threatens divorce or separation but I know plenty who do. They get so frustrated & eventually big threats (not meant) come out when even shouting doesn't work.

 

The OP uses phrases that make it VERY clear that he doesn't take his wife's complaints or anger seriously.

 

 

I know I could be wrong & his instincts could be right. She might be having sordid affairs with half the company. From reading HIS WORDS I can't see anything. There are so many extreme assumptions here & if the OP is just a little insecure & paranoid a lot of harm could be done to a very loving wife.

Edited January 28, 2017 by ShatteredLady

[ShatteredLady]

I believe that the OP should think back about his loving, sexual, commicative wifes "occasional temper tantrums" & try to remember what SHE SAID. Rather than just dismissing them as childish 'tantrums' he should reframe them as frustrated expressions of ISSUES & take them seriously.

 

As seriously as she has taken his "temper tantrum" over this guy at work! The OP said that their communication bothered him so she agreed to stop & all evidence points to her doing this. She has agreed to MC even though she didn't think it necessary. She has reluctantly agreed to a poly (I'd be deeply offended as a loyal wife. Telling him he'll be on the sofa is cute compared to my reaction!)

 

He has complete access to her phone & has read the messages. He has checked the phone bills & they spoke 3 times (in all the months) & he's spying on her with a secret VAR in her car. He has found NOTHING!

 

 

Maybe it's more believable that she faked a "temper tantrum" to distance herself. Told the OM first thing the next morning that she was running away with him (even though they never talked about any kind of relationship other than his flirting & her rejection "No. I'm married") so he dumped her.

[Cephalopod]

OP, let go of the outcome and file. Your wife has a million and one reasons why she is doing what she is doing. Give her what she wants. Tell her you love her and you want her to be happy, but that you want a wife and partner who is engaged in a real relationship with you, and you will not settle for anything less.

 

If she wants you she will chase you. If she doesn't, she will be overjoyed you are setting my her free.

Edited January 28, 2017 by Cephalopod

[barry23]

My wife has temper tantrums and even acknowledged that she does, she has a feisty personality if that makes sense. Never ever has she said that she wants a divorce or to separate. That hurt me so much and I don't see why that's being downgraded by some members. You don't throw threats like that around. Also she did flirt with the OM a little bit also, calling him cute and funny etc. Sure nothing has happened since I confronted her, but I am going to keep cautious. I want to be the husband she deserves, but she has to be the wife I deserve also. We will see about getting the polygraph, I need more evidence of wrong doing.

Edited January 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BuddyX]

"Never ever has she wanted a divorce or separation"??? Have you checked the name of this thread ^^^

[barry23]

"Never ever has she wanted a divorce or separation"??? Have you checked the name of this thread ^^^

 

I meant before this incident occurred, she never asked for either. She seemed happy with me.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm NOT saying that I believe you're being paranoid & im NOT saying that your wife is innocent.

 

You've received a lot of opinions stating that she is DEFINITELY cheating on you. I'm looking at YOUR words. You have a gut reaction (so did I), you're investigating (so did I) I sincerely hope that you're wrong. I don't know. I think you have enough cause for suspicion to be on high alert. I don't think you have enough to file for divorce as some are advising.

 

I'm just trying to highlight that you do not have enough to find your wife guilty. It would be awful to undermine such a strong, long marriage if you're wrong. Honestly? I wouldn't be surprised if she has gone too far. I'm sorry.

Edited January 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm just trying to highlight that you do not have enough to find your wife guilty. It would be awful to undermine such a strong, long marriage if you're wrong. Honestly? I wouldn't be surprised if she has gone too far. I'm sorry.

 

I don't believe this marriage is strong if the OP had to post his concerns online. It's also obvious by the wife's request for a separation that the relationship is FAR from strong.

 

Your wife has asked, demanded, pleaded that you do more to improve the relationship, so SHE clearly is not happy with you. Again, not a strong relationship.

 

OP, I would do as some have suggested and find out for sure if she is cheating. But you need to be prepared to make a definitive decision if you do find out she is. You need to be prepared to cut it loose.

[BuddyX]

Here's what I'm saying. It's either you're building on the marriage or you're chipping it away. Let's look at the facts; flirting with OM. Wants a separation. Chipping away on the foundation of the marriage.

[William]

Alright folks, after a bit of clean-up we'll open this one back up.

 

Reminder that this topic is one specific and unique situation so let's keep our replies relevant to the OP's situation rather getting into the topic of infidelity in general we have plenty of general discussion threads already running on that topic ~T

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, in the light of the trend of discussion on this thread I wanted to highlight something that Barry said in one of his initial posts. His wife's outburst about separation happened during an argument sparked by something inconsequential such as Barry not putting his underwear in the wash or some such thing. As has been pointed out often on this forum, a minor oversight such as this one leading to an outburst about separation is definitely a Red Flag and should be seen as such. I think unconsciously Barry recognized this and this triggered his gut feelings that all was not well in his marriage and is the reason he has come here for advice and opinions on how to deal with the situation. As I said before, something is going on and whether his wife has crossed any red lines or not yet, she is definitely leaning towards an EA if not already in one and this may lead to a PA. Barry has every right to be concerned and should try his best to get at the bottom of things. However he should exercise extreme caution in how he proceeds and what he does so as not to arouse his wife's suspicions as once that happens everything will go underground. Just thought I'd bring this to peoples' attention in case it was missed. Warm wishes.

[SoleMate]

Can you give us 2 specific topics/issues, PRIOR to this OM deal, of what your W had "tantrums" about? Also provide factual context.

 

Like others here, I am suspecting that those "tantrums" may have been cries from the heart that were not heard. Important for both of you to understand, if so.

[barry23]

So yeah two temper tantrum incidents. A few months ago son wanted to play football but my wife said absolutely not. She's very concerned about the injuries etc. Well son thought it wasn't fair and tried pleading his case and she just started to yell and scream and get me involved. I was the mediator in this and I thought it was okay to let son play, if he gets hurt he knows it's on him. I got to play football when I was younger also. She then yelled at me in private. I didn't even berate her, I let son know his mother wants the best for him and doesn't want him to get hurt. I respect her decision but I feel as if he deserved a chance first.

 

Another incident was about six months ago when she blew up over daughter not wanting to get her hair done for an upcoming wedding. She's a good mother, just sometimes she gets angry. She has never physically or emotionally abused our children from my viewpoint.

 

I've been acting somewhat distant and it seems as if she's taken notice. She said she loved me today and held my hand on the couch. Sigh, she said she's not talking to OM but they could do all their communication at work. I want to trust her I really do...

[whichwayisup]

But you can't fully trust her when she is still working with him. There's no way to know if they are in NC, talking or sharing looks etc.. Why not ask her to quit or ask for a job transfer? If she wants to re invest in you and the marriage, her leaving the job to get away from him is a normal thing BS's require of their WS's.

 

See how she reacts. Watch her closely.

 

Sounds like your wife is just a bit uppity (more about the hair not being done, who cares, your daughter could have just put her hair up or slicked it with gel etc..) and yells when she's worked up/pissed off. I can understand her worry about football especially with concussions and bad long term affects for life.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Barry, this short fuse that your wife has, seems to be the result of some issues buried in her past which may need therapy to overcome. If either of her parents were also given to temper tantrums, it could be an inherited trait. However, if not, I would think it is something that could be cured if she were to attend therapy sessions for it. People go off the handle either when they are stressed out or if certain sensitive points in their psyche are rubbed the wrong way. In your wife's case it may be the latter. Therapy will reveal this and help cure it.

 

It is good that you are being cool towards her so that she realizes that you have been hurt and are not OK with the way she has behaved. If she pulls back and realizes that what she did was completely inappropriate, things may still work out well for both of you. However, if she continues to feel justified in the way she reacts and behaves with the OM then you have a big problem on your hands and you will have to take a call on what you want to do. Your task at present is to find out as much as you can about what is going on by using any and all means at your disposal to keep a tab on things surreptitiously. I am not really qualified to advise you on the ways and means to do so and there are a lot of good folk on here who can advise you competently about how to go about it. However, you must ask for such advice and take it when provided. Hope this cloud over your marriage lifts soon and everything returns to normal. Warm wishes.

[barry23]

Hi everyone, I thought I owed you guys an unfortunate update. The VAR in her car finally did what it had to do and confirmed what I expected. They were having lunch in her car which progressed to kissing. OM made a comment about the sexual tension between them and she said she knows this is wrong, she just can't get him out of her head, they shouldn't be doing this. It seems like the encounter lasted around ten minutes. I had to listen to the sounds of my another man having his way with my wife. Confronted her when she got home and it has been a **** show ever since, she is crying and apologizing and begging to work on our marriage. Well my worst fears have come true, very confused on what to do next. Devastated can't even describe how I feel.

[Marc878]

Inform the other mans wife. Don't skip this. No matter what you do this needs to be your first step.

 

Sorry man but as you've found cheaters lie a lot.

[BuddyX]

And I quote your very first post.

 

"Told me she thinks were growing apart, and separation will make us appreciate our time together more."

 

Yeah, how's that appreciation going? Time to blow this up. Yes, the other Spouse needs to know.

 

She has to move out. No contact unless it's about the kids. Do a hard 180. No pleading, no begging. You need space right now.

 

She'll use sex as a tool. And/or DARVO (google it). Remember, you're the victim here, and she always had s choice.

Edited February 5, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[Bryanp]

Sorry Barry.

 

The fact that she did this after you had previously confronted her and discussed it with her says a great deal. It simply was not important to her that she risked her marriage and totally disrespected and humiliated her spouse.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[GoldenR]

She needs to quit her job. If she won't, then expose to her work and file.

 

OMW needs to know no matter what.

[Try]

OM made a comment about the sexual tension between them and she said she knows this is wrong, she just can't get him out of her head, they shouldn't be doing this. It seems like the encounter lasted around ten minutes. I had to listen to the sounds of my another man having his way with my wife.

The sad thing is that from what you first posted this was so predictable. After reading on this site for so long, many here saw this coming. For example on January 19th I posted on this thread the following "A single guy telling your wife "she looked great" and that "he'd hit that" is more than "light flirting". Her blush emoji after saying that she was married, was her encouraging this inappropriate exchange. He told her in no uncertain terms that he wanted to have sex with her, and she told him that if she were not married, she would be open to it. With her asking for a separation, which to person wanting to cheat means that they are no longer bound by the terms of the marriage, it is clear where this was heading." There was nothing special about my statement, as many of the regulars here were saying the same thing. There is also nothing special about why your wife cheated, she is just like every other cheater and will be following the cheaters script.

 

Some things to expect from a cheater following the cheaters script:

 

1) Trickle truth - She will only admit to what she has to. She will minimize everything about her cheating.

2) Blame shifting - She will try to blame her cheating on you not being the perfect spouse. Never mind that she has also not been a perfect spouse, especially when she started focusing her energies on the other man instead of you.

3) Reinventing history - She will exaggerate the significance of anything that you may have done wrong, even bringing up things she never brought up before, while forgetting about anything that she many have done to contribute to the issue.

4) Rug sweeping - She will soon be telling you that in order to work on your marriage, you are required to forgive her and not look back, so that you can focus on looking forward. This is BS logic as you cannot move forward without fully addressing what she did to your full satisfaction. BTW, it is normal for it to take 3 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to learn to deal with the cheating, assuming that they ever do; many never do learn to deal with it, and there is no requirement that you do.

 

Do not buy into any of the above.

Edited February 5, 2017 by Try

[aliveagain]

Time to move her out of the bedroom, talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights, take your time deciding. Expose, expose, expose. His wife/girlfriend needs to know the truth. No sex without protection(some courts will see this as forgiveness so refrain if at all possible until you decide what you want), she needs to get a full STD screening. I guess she's not that special after all.