Wife told me she thinks we need a trial separation.

[oldshirt]

Time to move her out of the bedroom, talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights, take your time deciding. Expose, expose, expose. His wife/girlfriend needs to know the truth. No sex without protection(some courts will see this as forgiveness so refrain if at all possible until you decide what you want), she needs to get a full STD screening. I guess she's not that special after all.

 

^^^^this ^^^^^

[oldshirt]

Hi everyone, I thought I owed you guys an unfortunate update. The VAR in her car finally did what it had to do and confirmed what I expected. They were having lunch in her car which progressed to kissing. OM made a comment about the sexual tension between them and she said she knows this is wrong, she just can't get him out of her head, they shouldn't be doing this. It seems like the encounter lasted around ten minutes. I had to listen to the sounds of my another man having his way with my wife. Confronted her when she got home and it has been a **** show ever since, she is crying and apologizing and begging to work on our marriage. Well my worst fears have come true, very confused on what to do next. Devastated can't even describe how I feel.

 

That sucks, but at least now you know where things stand.

 

And I do not believe you are actually 'confused.' I think you know where things stand, it is just a harsh reality and a bitter pill to swallow.

 

Step #1 here is seek legal counsel to protect your assets, relationship with your children and your properties.

 

Step #2 is do what your lawyer says.

[Dub]

did the VAR confirm they had sex?

[csad]

 

Some things to expect from a cheater following the cheaters script:

 

1) Trickle truth - She will only admit to what she has to. She will minimize everything about her cheating.

2) Blame shifting - She will try to blame her cheating on you not being the perfect spouse. Never mind that she has also not been a perfect spouse, especially when she started focusing her energies on the other man instead of you.

3) Reinventing history - She will exaggerate the significance of anything that you may have done wrong, even bringing up things she never brought up before, while forgetting about anything that she many have done to contribute to the issue.

4) Rug sweeping - She will soon be telling you that in order to work on your marriage, you are required to forgive her and not look back, so that you can focus on looking forward. This is BS logic as you cannot move forward without fully addressing what she did to your full satisfaction. BTW, it is normal for it to take 3 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to learn to deal with the cheating, assuming that they ever do; many never do learn to deal with it, and there is no requirement that you do.

 

Do not buy into any of the above.

 

This is just amazing. I wish I read this before. Number 1, 2, 3 are exactly what my wife is doing to me.

[Chaparral]

What has she admitted to concerning how long it's really been going on? What about how many times they have had sex? I'm guessing she is saying once, as in following the saga dare script.

[Try]

This is just amazing. I wish I read this before. Number 1, 2, 3 are exactly what my wife is doing to me.

I wish I could claim to be smart for calling it correctly, but most of the regulars on this site could have also called it. The amazing part is that cheaters are so predictable. As cheaters go, your wife is not a special case. She is just your regular run of the mill cheater. BTW, it may be too early now, but number 4 (rug sweeping) will follow soon enough; you can take that to the bank.

 

One more thing. A major study on cheating showed that most cheating goes completely undetected by the spouse, with only 7 percent of affairs being provable enough that the cheater ever admits to it. Bottom line, I am sorry to say that this may not be the first time that she has cheated. It may just be the first time that you found out. Know that you did nothing to deserve this. It is all on her. Be well and I truly wish you the best of luck going forward.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Try

[Just a Guy]

Hi Barry, how are you doing? Really sorry that you got what is know about your wife's infidelity. How did you approach her with the news? I hope you did not reveal the fact that you had hidden a VAR in her car. Things could go off on a tangent with her saying you are guilty of invading her privacy etc. Always protect your sources till a resolution is made one way or the other.

 

You have to start thinking clearly about your future actions. Do not let her think that you are open to reconciliation. If you do the roller coaster ride will continue. As is said often on this forum, get your ducks in a row, consult an attorney and find out your options and take his advice on any and everything to do with your wife, moving forward. Treat her like a fifth columnist. She is only your wife in name. Do the 180 as everyone is suggesting. Yes, ask her to move into the guest bedroom. Avoid sharing space with her. Be very careful what you say when speaking to her for any reason as she is likely to twist anything you say to mean something else. Listen to what everyone who is knowledgeable about infidelity or have experienced it, is advising you to do. Most of all keep a level head, maintain your calm and start detaching from her mentally. It may be hard but it will get you the best resulrt you could hope for. Warm wishes.

[S2B]

So she promised she wouldn't communicate with him anymore yet after she promised - she got caught making out in the car?

 

You can't trust her. She lies after getting caught... you have nothing to work with when she's not being honest and not willing to repair the damage she's caused.

 

She's left you no choice here... what are you planning to do about that?

[aliveagain]

Hi everyone, I thought I owed you guys an unfortunate update. The VAR in her car finally did what it had to do and confirmed what I expected. They were having lunch in her car which progressed to kissing. OM made a comment about the sexual tension between them and she said she knows this is wrong, she just can't get him out of her head, they shouldn't be doing this. It seems like the encounter lasted around ten minutes. I had to listen to the sounds of my another man having his way with my wife. Confronted her when she got home and it has been a **** show ever since, she is crying and apologizing and begging to work on our marriage. Well my worst fears have come true, very confused on what to do next. Devastated can't even describe how I feel.

 

 

Barry, here is the truth about your wife of 16 years and the mother of your 3 children. This is her truth as to why she wanted a trial separation, she doesn't want to feel guilty about cheating on you when she has sex with her boyfriend. If she has you move out for a while she can bring him home so they don't have to do it in her car, seems he's a cheap POS, can't afford a hotel room or he doesn't want a credit card trail because he is cheating on someone. Find out who he's cheating on and expose him.

 

I hope her car is not your only car because it needs to go, sell it for the attorney fee's your going to need. You can't nice her back and it's time for you to move her to the couch or even out of the house. Decide on what is more important to you, her job of a few months or your marriage, pick one and make her quit the other. I will bet you never heard any talk about using a condom, get her tested for all STD's as well as a for pregnancy. You have all you need to decide on a path. She knew your concerns and that you were on to them but that didn't stop them, you never heard her say no or stop on the VAR. Keep the VAR safe, if you divorce it may help you with settlement or child custody. She wasn't thinking of you or the children was she? Treat her with the same respect, google the 180 and implement it immediately. Sorry you had to hear that, but you had to hear that.

[Jersey born raised]

Actualyl dont demand she quit her job. Tell her she will need the income to support herself after the divorce.

 

Exposure is a must. To her family and his and finally to your's. My family was was very supportive in many small ways. You will be amazed.

 

Go into the 180 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Understand issues are issues, Adlutery is adultery. She and only she and OM are responsible for the adultery.

[Chi townD]

Sorry about your situation dude. If this other dude is married, you need to find out who she is and present her with the truth. The woman has a right to know what kind of man she married and she also has a right to decide what's best for her and her marriage. Do not tell your wife you are doing this, just do it.

 

It sounds like your wife is more upset that you undercover the truth than her actually cheating. I don't mean to sound mean, but even after you approached her about this guy, she still went ahead and did it anyway (I assumed you caught them on the VAR having sex). So, what does that say for her feelings about you or the marriage? At that moment, she put this guy as more of a value over you and the marriage. That's something you really need to think about.

[aliveagain]

Friend, we know you are scared but the worst thing you can do is nothing. You need to get yourself out of infidelity, you can't rely on her to do that as she is the cause. You can't trust anything she tells you, she will only confess to what you already know and if you read on here long enough you will find that it is almost always worse then they say. If your gut is telling you there is more, trust your gut.

 

Tell her your requirements for reconciliation, no contact, quits her job, independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat, transparency(access to all her accounts) and a full screening/testing for STD's. If she won't agree to your requirements it's better you know now so you can properly instruct your lawyer and not waste anymore time in infidelity. There are things much worse then divorce, sharing your wife with another man is one of them. Read your posts for the last month, she knew what she was doing, she knew it was wrong but that didn't stop her from jumping all over him in her car.

[JamesM]

The VAR caught her kissing with the OM in her car AFTER your first confrontation.

 

I predict that this kissing session was not the first time. She in fact had probably scaled back and had done this before. He probably "stole" the kisses in her car and her kissing was more reluctant than it had been in the past. Her request for separation was because she wanted to have sex with him or she had proceeded far enough along to feel guilty and confused.

 

Your marriage can be saved, but it will take some tough love on your part with a huge dose of forgiveness. On her side will need to be complete honesty and the desire to be forgiven.

 

Before the marriage can be reconciled, you will personally need to deal with the shock, anger and grief. During this time, she must be forthcoming with answers to EVERY question that you have as often as you have them and with no anger at you.

 

She caused this and has no right to tell you how long it should take you to decide if you want to stay together and how you should be dealing with this.

 

This is going to be a rough roller coaster ride, no matter which destination you choose.

[Mr. Lucky]

she is crying and apologizing

 

I'd guess she falls into the "sorry...she got caught..." camp.

 

barry23, you'll need to be very careful over the next couple of days. You're going to be subjected to a tsunami of half-truths, misdirections and outright lies.

 

This is going to be a rough roller coaster ride, no matter which destination you choose.

 

Amen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Doorstopper]

Hi everyone, I thought I owed you guys an unfortunate update. The VAR in her car finally did what it had to do and confirmed what I expected. They were having lunch in her car which progressed to kissing. OM made a comment about the sexual tension between them and she said she knows this is wrong, she just can't get him out of her head, they shouldn't be doing this. It seems like the encounter lasted around ten minutes. I had to listen to the sounds of my another man having his way with my wife. Confronted her when she got home and it has been a **** show ever since, she is crying and apologizing and begging to work on our marriage. Well my worst fears have come true, very confused on what to do next. Devastated can't even describe how I feel.

 

I'm sorry it turned out this way, but at least at this point, its exposed.

 

You believed your wife as she lied to your face about what was going. As time goes on, you will realize the breach of your trust, is the biggest impediment to any reconciliation. It will have you second guessing everything she tells you, for months to come. If you decide on reconciliation, ask yourself what you will need to regain the trust of your wife. This is not an easy task.

Edited February 6, 2017 by Doorstopper

[BuddyX]

Another gem quote from a LS member.

 

"What I will never understand is when a woman decides to have an affair, they often get cold and distant to the husband as if he did something major to upset her long term. Its like she betrays her spouse in the first place and then tries to punish them for their toxic choices."

[kgcolonel]

Barry....how are you doing? I know it is a s..t storm right now....lean on us if you would like a sounding board or just someone to vent to....don't make any permanent decisions until you have had some time to get all the facts and time to digest the direction you need to go......we're with you cyberly speaking of course.

[Cephalopod]

Hi everyone, I thought I owed you guys an unfortunate update. The VAR in her car finally did what it had to do and confirmed what I expected. They were having lunch in her car which progressed to kissing. OM made a comment about the sexual tension between them and she said she knows this is wrong, she just can't get him out of her head, they shouldn't be doing this. It seems like the encounter lasted around ten minutes. I had to listen to the sounds of my another man having his way with my wife. Confronted her when she got home and it has been a **** show ever since, she is crying and apologizing and begging to work on our marriage. Well my worst fears have come true, very confused on what to do next. Devastated can't even describe how I feel.

 

Well, she was displaying all the classic behavior of a wayward. I'm glad you got confirmation, but I feel bad for you too. It sucks when the person you love treats you shabbily.

 

Think of this....she did not confess to you out of guilt or a desire to stop what she was doing. She got caught. Otherwise this would have continued on and eventually become a full on physical affair, with you none the wiser. Think of that when she pours those tears out. Those tears aren't for what she did to you. They are tears of guilt and fear, fear that you will expose her and destroy her world. There is no remorse there.

[barry23]

To be honest I'm not doing much better. We haven't really made that much progress at all. She said she wants the marriage and me but her actions are not proving that at the moment. She has admitted she is still talking to the other man and feels it would hurt him if she ended their communication just like that. I suspect she has stronger feelings for him than what she's letting on. My wife said she wants to go to individual counseling to know why she's acting like this and why it's hard for her to let go of this other guy. We have also talking about her quitting her job, which she does not want to do but knows that it will have to happen. Did the var confirm sex? Well to be honest it was hard to tell, I heard the sounds of kissing, light moaning and giggling. From her words their relationship has never gone past kissing and all they did in the car was have a make-out session and it's the only time it's ever happened. I have to keep in mind that the encounter did not last that long because they were close to their break ending. Other man has four kids from two different moms and is 45 years old.

Edited February 7, 2017 by barry23

[BuddyX]

"She has admitted she is still talking to the other man and feels it would hurt him if she ended their communication just like that."

 

That would be the nail in the coffin for me. You can't do the "pick me" dance. Don't even try to reconcile.

 

Hard 180 for you for my friend. Kick her out of the house. If she tells you "we can't work on the marriage if I'm not around" just laugh in her face. Remember she's still talking to the other guy.

 

Have some respect for yourself. And oh yeah, contact the OM spouse. The Fog will lift really fast once he bails.

[WilyWill]

She has admitted she is still talking to the other man and feels it would hurt him if she ended their communication just like that.

 

It's good that your wife is so sensitive about hurting people's feelings. I wonder if she was considering your feelings when she was doing God-knows-what with him in your car. I wonder how concerned she was about hurting you when she told you she wanted a separation. *spit*

 

I think it's time to get tough and show her consequences. She should be made to understand that reconciliation is not a given.

[Marc878]

To be honest I'm not doing much better. We haven't really made that much progress at all. She said she wants the marriage and me but her actions are not proving that at the moment. She has admitted she is still talking to the other man and feels it would hurt him if she ended their communication just like that. I suspect she has stronger feelings for him than what she's letting on. My wife said she wants to go to individual counseling to know why she's acting like this and why it's hard for her to let go of this other guy. We have also talking about her quitting her job, which she does not want to do but knows that it will have to happen. Did the var confirm sex? Well to be honest it was hard to tell, I heard the sounds of kissing, light moaning and giggling. From her words their relationship has never gone past kissing and all they did in the car was have a make-out session and it's the only time it's ever happened. I have to keep in mind that the encounter did not last that long because they were close to their break ending. Other man has four kids from two different moms and is 45 years old.

 

Continued contact the affair hasn't ended. She is putting other man over you and your family. Get out of the infidelity. You are allowing her to cake eat at your expense. Full exposure may end this.

 

Cheaters lie a lot as you've found. You want to believe her like most at this time. It's called denial. Full blown affair. Why do you think it's still going on?

[Marc878]

Get some respect for yourself. Your wife has none. Stop the Mr Nice a Guy. That could be why you are where you are.

[Imajerk17]

So let me get this straight....she didn't want to work on your marriage even a few days before, but now here she is, all remorseful* and really wanting to work on your marriage. What's changed.

 

Oh yeah, you now have hard evidence of her affair. She's not sorry she cheated, she is sorry she got caught.

 

*Actually I take that back. She isn't even that remorseful, she wants to still have the other guy around. And "just kissing" yeah right!

[Miky]

So,let me understand, she wants yo work on the marriage, but she wants to keep "relationship" with this other man?, is she out of her mind ?, (duh), Barry, I am not going to sugar coat this, let me tell you this, you are in for a ride to hell and back, you are about to lose your family, you need to stop that nonsense, and do it now, if you continue being indecisive you are going to sink very quickly, as soon as you allow her to keep contact with this dude, you are toast, you are going to lose her and the family, you need to stop this now, you do that by setting an ultimatum

 

1) Stop the affair, full no contact with the POSOM, no lunch dates, coffee dates, no standup chats in the hallways no contact, pronto.

2) A full detailed disclosure in a form of a timeline on when this has started

3) Full disclosure of all details (depends on what you need and want to know)

4) looking for a new job ASAP

5) Passwords for smartphone and all email accounts, social media, etc

6) full disclosure of her whereabouts, going to work, from work, errands, etc

 

if any of the above is not accepted,tell her you will be filling for Divorce immediately, and DO SO.

 

Barry, I know it is harsh and seem extreme, even counter intuitive at the moment, but if you continue on your indecisive behavior here you are going to lose her for sure, with a firm action you may stand a chance, begging and grovelling will do you no good, on the contrary, it will hasten your family breakdown, she is unremorseful, does not think any thing of you or your emotions, currently she is totally enamored with POSOM , you unfortunately, yesterday's news paper, little value for her, the sooner you bring the consequences the better chance you have to break the addiction

 

you just need to act, Divorce process takes long time, you can always stop it if things change, she needs a dose of reality and fast, every single story of a betrayed spouse I have read on these boards that had snapped out of the shock of the betrayal and sprung into action almost immediately manage to get the tables turn on the WW and very quickly woke them up with a dose of reality, all turn back and begged for reconciliation

 

Wake up Barry before it is too late

Edited February 7, 2017 by Miky