Jersey born raised Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Barry, Honestly a spouse is always more concerned with their own spouse first. She is more concerned with him not you. Still talking with him will haunt you forever. She seen your pain and still inflicts it. Who have you shared this with other then us? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Continued contact the affair hasn't ended. She is putting other man over you and your family. Get out of the infidelity. You are allowing her to cake eat at your expense. Full exposure may end this. Cheaters lie a lot as you've found. You want to believe her like most at this time. It's called denial. Full blown affair. Why do you think it's still going on? This right here. You already confronted her and were fed lies. Then did your own digging to discover what we were all telling you was going on from the start. You find the evidence, then confronted her again. Now she is STILL talking to the OM and talks to you about it like it should be OK for her to do so. What might be even worse is you didn't lose your chit in that moment then and there. The second she says she can't just drop him like that and is still talking to him and what was your response? I'm only guessing but I bet it was from you trying to believe everything she is saying and thinking maybe it will all be OK. Like you just have your head in the clouds and don't want to face the facts here. She is in a full blown affair, just as we all told you she was the second you posted. Time to grow a set and be a man about this. It's time to go full 180 and make her move out. If not the house, then your bedroom at the very least. Go straight away like yesterday man! Go straight to a lawyer and get legal advice. File for divorce. You don't have to actually divorce, but I would still file. She needs to be pulled out of this NOW! DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER! Full 180 time. Disclose, disclose, disclose. Tell her parents and family, tell yours. Tell the OM's wife or SO if he has one. Put it all out there for everyone to see. This will do a couple things. First it will strengthen you. Second it will let you know where her head and heart are at real quick. If she is truly showing remorse for her actions, or regret that she got caught. It's pretty easy to see from the outside which is which. You are in denial right now which is pretty typical. Keep posting, we can point out your denial to you. It's OK btw to be in denial for a bit, it's not helping anyone if you stay there and help her rug sweep this whole mess. We will point it out to you! Like for instance you mentioning as if in passing that she is still talking to the other guy, like it's not a big deal. Seriously WTF? That is where I would expect your post to go on about how you lost your cool at that point. But from your post it seems like you took that news in stride, still in denial. We get it, but we will also verbally slap you around a bit for it. It's for your own good we do so btw. Nobody is on here posting stuff to mess up someone else's life. The advice given is solid here when it comes to infidelity. Listen to it. Slap yourself awake from time to time. We told you she was cheating, you were here because you already had a feeling but were in denial. Now you are still in denial about this all. Take the verbal slaps upside the head with a spoon full of sugar. We got your back man. Nobody's is blaming you for being in denial, but it's time to wake the hell up and accept this for what it is right now. 180. She moves out. See a lawyer asap. Protect your assets above all right now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 One thing about liars, and that includes most every person, we reveal only what we have to unless we ae truly sorry and not just sorry we got caught. If you read your own words, then you may see that she only admits to what you know. If you find proof that she has had sex, then she will admit to it. She never admitted to kissing until you had proof. Assume the worst and make your decisions based on that. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 From her words their relationship has never gone past kissing and all they did in the car was have a make-out session and it's the only time it's ever happened. Wow barry23, what incredible timing you must have. They've only had one make-out session and you just happened to catch it with you VAR. Tell me you don't believe a word of this... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 No contact is a must and as long as they are communicating the affair is still going on. There is little hope for your marriage as long as she is still in the affair. You may want to disclose the affair to their H/R if she won't go no contact or agree to resign. They can not work together, she is choosing him over your marriage. You need to make it clear that you too want the marriage and she is free to see the other man if she wants to but just not as your wife. Leaving the outcome of your marriage to someone that is making very poor and selfish decisions is a mistake. Be very clear with her that you are taking yourself out of infidelity and you are not waiting around for her to decide because her actions are showing you what she wants. You need to talk to a lawyer, the less action you take the weaker you will look to her, weak is a very unattractive trait. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Its definitely worth looking into the guys true marital status. I'd guess there is a 50-50 chance that he is not divorced. Blowing this up to his wife, if he's still married, could be a sure fire way to stop this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 To be honest I'm not doing much better. We haven't really made that much progress at all. She said she wants the marriage and me but her actions are not proving that at the moment. She has admitted she is still talking to the other man and feels it would hurt him if she ended their communication just like that. I suspect she has stronger feelings for him than what she's letting on. My wife said she wants to go to individual counseling to know why she's acting like this and why it's hard for her to let go of this other guy. We have also talking about her quitting her job, which she does not want to do but knows that it will have to happen. Did the var confirm sex? Well to be honest it was hard to tell, I heard the sounds of kissing, light moaning and giggling. From her words their relationship has never gone past kissing and all they did in the car was have a make-out session and it's the only time it's ever happened. I have to keep in mind that the encounter did not last that long because they were close to their break ending. Other man has four kids from two different moms and is 45 years old. I hope you're not buying her sack of lies! She in control of your life and your future and that is so backwards! She's been cheating and she doesn't get any say anymore! Stop handing her all YOUR power! Take charge of your future! Give her severe consequences! No wonder she won't end it with the OM - you are being way too weak! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 She said she wants the marriage and me but her actions are not proving that at the moment. She has admitted she is still talking to the other man and feels it would hurt him if she ended their communication just like that. Dude. What did you say to her when she dropped this doozy? I hope you said "well if you don't cut off all contact RIGHT NOW, as in call him up immediately and tell him (yes right now with me in the room), then I am filing for divorce TODAY" From her words their relationship has never gone past kissing and all they did in the car was have a make-out session and it's the only time it's ever happened. Ha! If you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you. Look up "trickle truth". This is exactly what she is doing to you. What exactly does make out session mean? Kissing + moaning + giggling probably means much more was going on. Maybe not full sex in a car on a break but most likely a lot more than just mouth-on-mouth contact. But even if it was just kissing, isn't that enough? You already expressed your concerns about this guy and she told you you had nothing to worry about. For her to then go ahead and do this... knowing that it would destroy her marriage......... are these the actions of someone who wants to save their marriage? Hell no. They are the actions of someone who doesn't give 2 hoots if you divorce her tomorrow. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) She has admitted she is still talking to the other man and feels it would hurt him if she ended their communication just like that. She knows that continuing contact with the other man (OM) is hurting you to the core, but given the choice between hurting you or hurting the OM, she has decided to hurt you. The fact that she would tell you this, is her telling you to your face that your marriage to her gives you no relationship advantage with her over the other man. Thus she no longer respects your marriage, or her vows. We have also talking about her quitting her job, which she does not want to do but knows that it will have to happen. She just told you that she will not cut off contact with the OM or quit her job until she has fully explored her relationship with the OM. Did the var confirm sex? Well to be honest it was hard to tell, I heard the sounds of kissing, light moaning and giggling. From her words their relationship has never gone past kissing and all they did in the car was have a make-out session and it's the only time it's ever happened. I have to keep in mind that the encounter did not last that long because they were close to their break ending. Other man has four kids from two different moms and is 45 years old. A "make-out session" that includes kissing and "moaning" included some form of sex. You may 100% have proof of intercourse this time (there was time for a quickie), but hand jobs, finger banging, or oral sex is still sex. This shows that they cannot sexually keep their hands off each other even on short breaks at work. Imagine when they have more time. A major study shows that most affairs go completely undetected by the spouse, with there only being enough evidence discovered to get the cheater to admit to cheating 7 percent of the time. You are thus way ahead of most cheated on spouses in confirming an affair. You have a recording of them making out and having some form of sex with each other, perhaps a quickie, if you are waiting for a video, that will not likely be happening. She has told you that she will not be cutting contact with her affair partner, and in effect has told you that the affair is still on. The fact that she would say this to you, shows that she has lost all respect for you and your marriage, and she cannot be in love with someone if she does not respect them. You must be willing to really end the marriage if you are to have a chance at having a marriage worth having long term. File for divorce and do not look back. Only think about changing your mind if she immediately begins to do the heavy lifting to earn a second chance. Do not allow her to continue the affair, and then later go back to you when she is done. Edited February 7, 2017 by Try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Friend, you need to focus on you because you can't control her. She is a grown up, she knows that it's wrong to have a boyfriend, that hasn't stopped her yet so take the actions that are necessary to get yourself out of infidelity. Like I said in an earlier post, it's always a lot worse then they tell you, you can have sex in a car in 10 minutes. Exposure is the best way to end an affair. She has been with you a long time so she knows what buttons to push to get what she wants from you. She knows that you are afraid to end the marriage, she considered your reaction when she decided to have the affair. You can't be with her 24 hours a day, your her husband and not her warden. If you can't trust or feel safe with her fire her as your wife. There are only so many ways out of infidelity, the key ways are reconciliation and divorce. Don't believe her lies believe her actions. All cheaters lie and minimize. You will get through this, you will be ok one way or the other but your healing won't begin until you are out of infidelity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Amazing how the trickle down theory always happens. I never used to believe this happened so often, but after a personal experience where I was the victim, I realize that we all reveal what we have to reveal. "Slept with him in cars" doesn't really sound like sleeping though. But it explains why she wanted a separation and why she was afraid of a polygraph. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dub Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Feel for you Barry, On another note; is it just me or are more wives screwing around on their husbands these days than husbands cheating on their wives? The reason I even joined this forum is because my dad found out my mom was cheating on him. Multiple threads on the first page from cheating women and guys that got screwed over, feel sorry for these poor blokes Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Barry, I really don't know if you should tell her to quit. After she has finally confessed she actually loves him and slept with him. Why do you think this will work?? You really need to to first take the time to see what you can make of your life and your children without her. You will be amazed at how well a single father can do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Yeah it is as bad as we thought... Everything most of us said is exactly what happened. Guy is single, she is in love with him. The have been screwing for a while. He got a few detail, not many, he did not want them yet. They said ILY's, talked about going on vacations together. She says that she loves him but she wants the marriage and she will stop seeing him. How long do you think that will last. Barry is being kind of weak and of course hurting really bad. His world is destroyed like everyone that goes through this. Poor guy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I'm just concerned Barry went to other forums looking for a different answer. Barry, you can't fight for her is she doesn't want to be saved. If he did, then he will not be getting them. Having read through many of the responses, they are very similar to what has been given here. From his POV, the other board specializes in infidelity and may have more members, although I didn't check. When I went searching for answers eleven plus years ago, I signed up on numerous boards. I received different perspectives and made friends on a couple of them. However, as time went on, I felt most comfortable here on LS because of the type of people I met and the feedback I received. I also liked the many different sections on LS (ie politics, religion, marriage, personal health, etc.), which gave me an opportunity to stimulate my brain with debate and humorous exchanges. Anyhow, it looks like his roller coaster ride will be worse than was first imagined. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Hi Folks, as Buddy suggested Barry is off on other forums searching for an answer that that will allow him to give his wife another chance and reconcile in spite of all the evidence that she is deep in an affair fog and is not likely to come out of it in a hurry. Further at this point, she may choose the OM over Barry so in the end he will be left empty handed and feeling foolish. The good folk here have been trying to get through to him but he is not listening because he does not want to hear what people are telling him. One can only help someone who is amenable to being helped. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens if Barry does decide to return. Wish him the best whatever he does. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Hi Folks, as Buddy suggested Barry is off on other forums searching for an answer that that will allow him to give his wife another chance and reconcile in spite of all the evidence that she is deep in an affair fog and is not likely to come out of it in a hurry. Further at this point, she may choose the OM over Barry so in the end he will be left empty handed and feeling foolish. The good folk here have been trying to get through to him but he is not listening because he does not want to hear what people are telling him. If it were me, then I would want to give her one more chance as well. Walking away without trying would leave ME with the "what if." For myself, I would want to see if there were any possible way for reconciliation. Like he said, she went from making a romantic scrapbook five months ago to an affair. Either something happened inside of her or their marriage that he hasn't told us or isn't aware of, or this is somehow an anomaly that can possibly be overcome. He has children. If it can be worked out, then the family will be very grateful. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Here is what I have learned from reading several boards: the advise to BS is always the same in the end. Some will vary in tone but that is it. Some focus on specific issues like a spouse with BPD or a cluster B issues or CSA but that's it. With the issues Barry has indicated none of those issues apply. So bottom line here is as good as it gets. The pinned threads here are among the best written so stay here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Here is what I have learned from reading several boards: the advise to BS is always the same in the end. Some will vary in tone but that is it. Some focus on specific issues like a spouse with BPD or a cluster B issues or CSA but that's it. With the issues Barry has indicated none of those issues apply. So bottom line here is as good as it gets. The pinned threads here are among the best written so stay here. Jersey, agree. The crux of the advice is practically the same. The only real debate is whether to tell OM/W spouse and/or HR. I'm in the camp of exposing it all. My WS had an A 3 years into the marriage. Given I was super Beta, I did all the mistakes. Guess what? She created a separate email in order to contact the OM. After a decade I counted 5 OM. That's when I had enough and bailed. So far, few years in, it's been paradise. Nothing to be afraid of, when you pull the plug. It's actually quite therapeutic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I'm just concerned Barry went to other forums looking for a different answer. Having read through many of the responses, they are very similar to what has been given here. Here is what I have learned from reading several boards: the advise to BS is always the same in the end. I don't know how you guys have the emotional stamina to participate in another board? I can barely take the psychic beating that comes from reading here how some people choose to treat their spouses ... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 I don't know how you guys have the emotional stamina to participate in another board? I can barely take the psychic beating that comes from reading here how some people choose to treat their spouses ... Mr. Lucky That made me laugh. I only followed the link given earlier in the thread. I am like you. The idea of spending MORE time on boards such as these is not only a drain on my energy, it also is a drain on my time. Looking at the other one, I see many stories similar to here. My guess is that there is more than one BS who has frequented both boards. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author barry23 Posted February 7, 2017 Author Share Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) There is no begging coming from me. As much as I don't want a divorce I let her know our marriage is over if she doesn't stop talking to him and she must quit her job, which is going to be done today. I have been reading up on the 180, it seems hard but it's the best path for me. I want to know what happened and what caused this, we had a good marriage and I'm not just being naive. I don't know if I can stay with her. She has been accommodating today but I need space from her. Her appointment is today and she wants to talk about the session when she comes home. I have three kids and I can't leave this marriage without saying I didn't give it all I had. She just has to put in much more effort than me and if she doesn't it will be over. I don't know if she's in a fog or whatever they call it. From here on out I am going to monitor her behavior everyday and use it to make an educated decision. I may sound strong on here right now but I feel physically awful and sick. If my wife doesn't follow my rules then she can walk out our door as much as it will hurt me. She said she has no doubt that she wants to save our marriage, I must see actions. I am listening to everyone on the forums. The people here are my only outlets, my wife does not want the affair exposed. For now I have decided it won't be, if I see any sign of straying lying or deceptiveness I will inform her family. I feel bad, horrible, I feel like I'm grieving a dying person. I have to keep moving forward though. Edited February 7, 2017 by barry23 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Feel for you Barry, On another note; is it just me or are more wives screwing around on their husbands these days than husbands cheating on their wives? The reason I even joined this forum is because my dad found out my mom was cheating on him. Multiple threads on the first page from cheating women and guys that got screwed over, feel sorry for these poor blokes <donning flame suit> Here goes. Yes, I think this is the case. And I think it's also entirely predictable. Imagine if you, as a man, spent your entire day working in a brothel. Nothing but available women all around you, ready to sleep with you at a moments notice. Well, for an attractive woman, this is reality. Remove the moral compass that used to be in place to govern behavior of men and women, and, basically, you have women seeing nothing but opportunity at every corner; everything from a quick ONS to a long/drawn out EA. No work required. Just smile and say hi. It's hard as a husband today, because, in essence, every morning, your wife is going off to work in the male strip club. Men are equally to blame here because we'll quickly hop into bed with any woman, but, end of the day, that's always been the case. Women just aren't "gatekeeping" sex as well as they once did. Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 Hi everyone, unfortunately this scenario will be my first post here. My wife of 16 years (3 kids) has informed me she thinks our marriage is in trouble and she wants to try a trial separation and thinks some away time from each other will be good for us. We both work and our marriage life has become somewhat routine, but she seemed happy and I was happy. She has always told me she's so lucky to have me as her husband and she can't imagine her life without me. Basically a bomb has been dropped on me. A year ago she made a scrapbook with our memories together, pictures of us and was so happy to give it to me. It was the best gift I've ever gotten. Five months ago she gave me a birthday card and wrote a heartfelt letter on how much I mean to her and how much she loves our family and our relationship and how proud she is of me. She started a new job and I noticed she's been texting one of her male co-workers a lot. She plays it off as them just being friends and that he has nothing t to do with this. To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, I just can't understand. We barely fought, barely argued, had a good sex life. She just randomly dropped this bomb on me. I don't have any proof that she's having sex with him, and I don't think it crossed that line yet. She also thinks I've been ignoring her needs and she thinks I haven't tried to work on this marriage at all. She also says her relationship with the co-worker is strictly platonic. Anyone had advice for me? Bomb was dropped yesterday. The separation bomb came after an argument over something stupid, how I forgot to put one of my underwear in the washer. She exploded and then told me she thinks we need some time away from each other. Told me she thinks were growing apart, and separation will make us appreciate our time together more. Just wanted to say I'm so sorry Barry, this sounds pretty close to what I'm going through with my wife. It was a total shock to me as well, especially since I'm the one who's always "ready to go" and she's always been low desire in the bedroom. I hope you find a path forward for you, either with or without her that brings you peace. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted February 7, 2017 Share Posted February 7, 2017 With out putting together a fully detailed time line... The love scrap book sounds like.. the I am in love with both men phase. Full of guilt and remorse when spending time with husband doing as many play love things as possible to sooth her feelings of guilt for spending time loving another man... I could be wrong... but... I suspect the love book thing was after she was doing all sorts of hot and heavy things with the other man...and still feeling guilty about it.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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