Wife told me she thinks we need a trial separation.

[aliveagain]

Barry, glad you are still with us. You are your strongest at time of confrontation and you tell her what you need from her if reconciliation is to be on the table. I hate it when strangers on a blog are right but friend, she used what she knew about you to deceive you and she is just like the thousands of other cheaters that have come and gone. Your only crime was to trust and love, no one here faults you for that because we are all guilty of the same thing. Follow the 180, believe 25% of what comes out of her mouth and 100% of her actions. I am sorry for the way things have turned out but it is now up to her to prove to you that she deserves to be under the same roof as you and your children. Prepare your demands, please consider a postnuptial agreement. Make it clear that any contact with O/M is a deal breaker. Get rid of anyone that new or facilitated her affair and didn't tell you, they are not friends of the marriage. Fake being strong until you are. It will get better, with or without her. Your the prize my friend.

[lostNbroken1964]

did you feel relief when you finally went through with it?

[Mr. Lucky]

The people here are my only outlets, my wife does not want the affair exposed. For now I have decided it won't be

 

Mistake. Affairs are a series of actions, actions have consequences. If you don't expose, she has the option of bailing on the marriage with reputation intact and collecting spousal/child support from you as she moves this or different OM into your home. By keeping it a secret, you're greasing the skids.

 

If she's concerned about the language and context of exposure with family members and friends - let her tell while you watch...

 

Mr. Lucky

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I don't think women cheat more then men. I just think it's far easier now for women to do it then it was in the past. So they have sort of caught up to men in the cheating game now that the playing field is more or less even. I'm fairly positive there were far more men cheating say 20 years ago. In comes the internet and social media and more women in the work force and BAM there goes the "all men are dogs" mantra. Now that it's just as easy for women to cheat, and thus they do so. So, if "all men are dogs"... What does that make women? What was that female word for dogs again? Lol.

 

Obviously I don't think all men are dogs and all women are ...um.... Female dogs... But it seems now the tables are turned and oooops, looks like women are just as likely to cheat as men are now that it's a level playing field. Toss that "all men are dogs" mantra out the door now. Less we turn it around on y'all

[BuddyX]

If you're giving 100% to this marriage she better start with 110% and work her way up. If she gives you lip about treatment, or how she's walking on egg shells (mine did) just remember this quote (another LS member)

 

 

"Another thing is be completely open and honest about every. No passwords on phones no girls night out. No un explained time away from him. Does that sound like a prison to some degree yes it does. Its the prison you built."

[Jersey born raised]

Barry,

 

I get not wanting to expose. Been there done that. I get you have children and I had none. But here is the truth:

 

Expose to her family, expose to your's and her close personal friends. Expose to a religious figures in your life. Barry, we are not your only outlet !!! I would urge you to expose to your's as well. Hold of on your children if you most but to all others. Here is what another poster wrote:

 

 

Exposure to young children*

 

Children at 4 years old know that lying, sneaking, cheating, is bad.

Children at 4 know what a BF and GF is an know the concept to love a person.

Children at 4 know that mom and dad are in love so they should only be going out on dates with each other rather then a BF/GF.

There is no need to give facts other than this. There is no mention of sex or anything that is age inappropriate.

Children are not expected to do anything about stopping the affair.

Children will blame themselves for their family falling apart because they are not told the truth that their family is no more because the WS had an affair.

Children by knowing the truth will know not to place any blame on themselves for the marriage failing.

[Jersey born raised]

I have never read of a successful reconciliation that did not include the these elements a poster shared. *Understand he discovered an EA was not an EA until 2 years after his child was born, and the child is not his. *He is now three years post DDay and reconciled. (this advise is regardless of gender)*

 

First: *accept you can continue to build a good life divorced. *The expression "to save a marriage you must be ready to lose it". * Not want to lose it, but be ready to use it. *You can not allow fear for your children, moving, being alone for a while, past plans or dreams to deter you.

 

Second: *once you accept the first point you must make plans for if the reconciliation fails. *Do a search with your state and divorce laws for basic info. *See a lawyer for a consultation to refine answers to any questions and what paperwork needs to be done. *(note I did not say file). *Rough out an action plan if you decide to divorce.

 

Third: make plans on how to make a reconciliation work. *You are already working on issues with a MC. *Continue to do so, but also know this, you have overtime settled for less then you wanted to make this marriage work. *YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH HER TOO!! *Take time to discover them. *

 

Once you have a plan to exit and one to reconcile your wide can either grow. *To work on herself as you have done. *To realize the toxins she brought into the marriage as you have done. To recognize and correct the mistakes she makes during reconciliation as you will need to as well.*

 

Again, if they will not or cannot accept what has occurred, just let them go, *A poster here wrote about her husband who's ex-wife left him for her adultery partner and was pregnant before the divorce.

 

 

Why improve yourself by the new wife of a BS*

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

___________________________________________________________

 

BS be this person. *

[Overtaxed]

Mistake. Affairs are a series of actions, actions have consequences. If you don't expose, she has the option of bailing on the marriage with reputation intact and collecting spousal/child support from you as she moves this or different OM into your home. By keeping it a secret, you're greasing the skids.

 

If she's concerned about the language and context of exposure with family members and friends - let her tell while you watch...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm going to disagree with this a bit. I have not exposed my WW because, in my eyes, exposure is always an option. I have the evidence (backed up at least 25 times!), I know she was doing it when she was supposed to be working, and I know what happened in pretty good detail. If R doesn't work out, I always have exposure as the nuclear option on the way out the door (and would really only use it if she continued the A behind my back after d-day).

 

The other thing is, holding back exposure puts the WS in a state of flux. They know you have an incredible secret that can, in many ways, destroy their lives that you're holding for them. It's a trust thing to me; and, IMHO, anything that rebuilds trust after an A is a good thing.

 

To each his own, of course; and, if the A is ongoing after d-day, yeah, you have to nuke it and let the cards fall where they may. But, if the A stops and R starts, I'm not sure that nuking the WS is the best option.

[usa1ah]

There is no way to save with out exposure. Your family's need the know, it's a accountability issue.

[BuddyX]

I'm going to disagree with this a bit. I have not exposed my WW because, in my eyes, exposure is always an option. I have the evidence (backed up at least 25 times!), I know she was doing it when she was supposed to be working, and I know what happened in pretty good detail. If R doesn't work out, I always have exposure as the nuclear option on the way out the door (and would really only use it if she continued the A behind my back after d-day).

 

The other thing is, holding back exposure puts the WS in a state of flux. They know you have an incredible secret that can, in many ways, destroy their lives that you're holding for them. It's a trust thing to me; and, IMHO, anything that rebuilds trust after an A is a good thing.

 

To each his own, of course; and, if the A is ongoing after d-day, yeah, you have to nuke it and let the cards fall where they may. But, if the A stops and R starts, I'm not sure that nuking the WS is the best option.

 

i Understand your point of view, but your response comes of a little malicious. I might be wrong. But the reason WS should stick around is not because you have this "gem" in your back pocket and is willing to use it at anytime. That sounds a little too callous for me. I Could be wrong.

[road]

i Understand your point of view, but your response comes of a little malicious. I might be wrong. But the reason WS should stick around is not because you have this "gem" in your back pocket and is willing to use it at anytime. That sounds a little too callous for me. I Could be wrong.

 

OP has no clue on what exposure is or how to use it.

[oldshirt]

I'm going to disagree with this a bit. I have not exposed my WW because, in my eyes, exposure is always an option. I have the evidence (backed up at least 25 times!), I know she was doing it when she was supposed to be working, and I know what happened in pretty good detail. If R doesn't work out, I always have exposure as the nuclear option on the way out the door (and would really only use it if she continued the A behind my back after d-day).

 

The other thing is, holding back exposure puts the WS in a state of flux. They know you have an incredible secret that can, in many ways, destroy their lives that you're holding for them. It's a trust thing to me; and, IMHO, anything that rebuilds trust after an A is a good thing.

 

To each his own, of course; and, if the A is ongoing after d-day, yeah, you have to nuke it and let the cards fall where they may. But, if the A stops and R starts, I'm not sure that nuking the WS is the best option.

 

There are different degrees of exposure for different purposes.

 

Assuming that her family likes you and are supportive of the marriage, Expose to HER family to show that you mean business and are willing to do it and to garner their support and in hopes that they may try to talk some sense into her in regards to NC with OM and putting in the effort to reconcile.

 

Only expose to YOUR friends and family if you know for sure that you will be divorcing. If you expose to your family, they will forever be leery and resentful of her even if you reconcile.

[oldshirt]

....and Mr Lucky is correct, if there are no real--world consequences directly to her, then there is no reason she should not continue to have the fun of an affair or to have more affairs down the road.

 

"..Or Else.." really is not much of a motivator. They have to experience a real world consequence first hand personally before the affair fog is broken and they realize the real costs of their fun on the side.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm going to disagree with this a bit. I have not exposed my WW because, in my eyes, exposure is always an option. I have the evidence (backed up at least 25 times!), I know she was doing it when she was supposed to be working, and I know what happened in pretty good detail. If R doesn't work out, I always have exposure as the nuclear option on the way out the door (and would really only use it if she continued the A behind my back after d-day).

 

I agree with this approach if your goal is to use exposure to explain your side of the divorce - "Our marriage dissolved because..."

 

But the real value of exposure in the OP's situation is to cut through the fog and get his WW back in the marriage. The more eyes on her, the better...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Did she quit the job yesterday?

[Regretful one]

There is no way to save with out exposure. Your family's need the know, it's a accountability issue.

 

Im not sure Id go so far as to say there is no way to save without exposure, but I do think it is an important aspect of recovery. The betrayed needs support and I think the unfaithful needs to be humbled and as pointed out above it also has a lot to do with accountability.

 

There is a lot of shame for both parties in infidelity granted but in my opinion to truly work on the issues someone has they have to step out of the closet and deal with the truth. The betrayed also needs some support. They need understanding from friends/family as to why their world is upside down. Having to "pretend normal" doesn't promote healing in my opinion.

 

I confessed to both my sons (21 & 17), to my in-laws and to my own parents. The only thing more difficult than this was confessing to my wife. But in many ways it has helped me be accountable. It has also humbled me greatly which I needed. In many ways an unfaithful needs their eyes opened and getting this terrible thing out there does that. My wife knew the shame, embarrassment and regret I had because of what I did and I think she appreciated that I took the initiative to tell those close to us what I had done. I owned up to my terribly lies and choices I made. That was the first step for me to start becoming the man I wanted to be and the one she deserved should she choose to stay with me. My two cents.

[Overtaxed]

i Understand your point of view, but your response comes of a little malicious. I might be wrong. But the reason WS should stick around is not because you have this "gem" in your back pocket and is willing to use it at anytime. That sounds a little too callous for me. I Could be wrong.

 

Is it malicious? Probably. Was the A more malicious? Without a shadow of doubt, yes.

 

And, just to be clear, I've been very direct with the WW. If you want out, I'll give you a quick and easy D, and none of this will ever leave my lips as to what you did. No bombs going off; no loss of job, no burned bridges.

 

If you want to stay together, no bombs go off either. We work on it together.

 

If you tell me you want to stay together, and the AP re-enters the picture? Kiss is all goodbye. House, job, car. All of it. Because then I'm dropping the bomb and I won't stop until the ground glows around her. Make your decision, but don't lie to me. You have 2 ways forward that are clean/quick and easy. And one that will result in your life in tatters. Choose wisely.

[barry23]

I am most likely going to make her expose to our family after I have been thinking about it. Right now she's been doing everything I ask as she said she wants to save our marriage. I know she's pining for the OM but if she contacts him once more I let her know our marriage will be over. I'm not even sure I want to stay in the marriage yet.

[BluesPower]

Glad you came back Barry...

 

What makes you think that when you are at work, she is not going to be with the OM? Why would you think that?

 

Has she shown you she is trustworthy? No. She is more afraid of everyone knowing what she is than she is about proving to you that you actually matter.

 

I know the people at SI are more kind to you that some of us are.

 

Barry, here are the things that you don't know.

 

1) You don't know how long they have been sleeping together.

2) You don't know if she really loves him or if it is just the affair.

3) You don't know anything about the sexual relationship that they had.

4) You don't know if she has spoken to him since the last time she was not supposed to.

 

Really, you don't know a lot. Brother, spend the money and file for divorce and start the process.

 

She will restart the affair and you need to be started down that road now so that you can save time when you find her cheating again.

 

I know this is hard for you, but you have to wake up before it is too late...

[BTDT2012]

I am most likely going to make her expose to our family after I have been thinking about it. Right now she's been doing everything I ask as she said she wants to save our marriage. I know she's pining for the OM but if she contacts him once more I let her know our marriage will be over. I'm not even sure I want to stay in the marriage yet.

 

Perhaps now is a good time for that separation that she requested. Let her go stay with her parents. I certainly hope you have removed her from your bedroom at least.

[S2B]

I am most likely going to make her expose to our family after I have been thinking about it. Right now she's been doing everything I ask as she said she wants to save our marriage. I know she's pining for the OM but if she contacts him once more I let her know our marriage will be over. I'm not even sure I want to stay in the marriage yet.

 

On foot in two sandboxes does not make reconciling happen!

 

Yes, expose to all...if you have her do it listen in to be sure she tells completely about what she's done.

[S2B]

On foot in two sandboxes does not make reconciling happen!

 

Yes, expose to all...if you have her do it listen in to be sure she tells completely about what she's done.

 

I meant to say

 

ONE foot in two sandboxes makes reconcilaiation impossible...

 

IF she plans to focus on repairing the damage she's caused - it really is impossible while she's still pining for her OM.

 

Exposing her could jolt her into a bit of reality. Sometimes filing for divorce and making the cheater move out helps motivate them.

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

Right now she's been doing everything I ask as she said she wants to save our marriage. I know she's pining for the OM but if she contacts him once more I let her know our marriage will be over.

Let’s see. During the affair she asked for a separation and went back on it immediately for reasons known only to her. You accused her straight to her face that she is having an affair. She shows indignation, threatens you with sleeping on the couch for asking a polygraph and assures nothing is going on. And knowing full well that you are on to her, she goes on to have her lustful rendezvous with her AP without the slightest inhibition that you know already

 

She is only sorry that she is caught. Nothing else. I mean, if she was in any way panicking she would have at least put the affair on halt. But she did not even panic when you doubted her and went on with the romp in the car.

 

Why does she want the marriage Barry? Why do you want it?

 

I'm not even sure I want to stay in the marriage yet.

 

So, why do you want it?

 

 

 

Are you staying for the right reasons? You should ask yourself if you are staying because

• You want to preserve the family and continuity of marital history at all costs (or)
  
• You are co-dependent on her and afraid to be alone. (or)
  
• You don’t want her to go to the AP, because that will hurt your ego.
  

There may be other reasons that have been missed here (financial for example), but for a BS those may not be major.

 

Staying for (2) will end very badly when things stabilize and you are left with your anger, with your doubts whether you were only a meal ticket to her whereas to you she is more than that. Now that will be a permanent hell which will only destroy every fabric of your self-esteem. Staying for (3) again will end equally badly because when the OP is gone you will again question her reason for staying and when you are not convinced that she stayed for the right reasons, you will end up hurting yourself and her (by having led her on).

 

But staying for (1) is the only right reason IMHO, because that is the only right reason she should have for staying too.

 

That brings us to the question why does she want to stay (and if you are staying for the same reason). Her feelings for you can be ruled out as a reason because as we have seen already she has the same (or much more) for the AP too, so much that she risked losing everything by acting on that.

 

 

 

Just like you she too might have her reasons for not leaving you for the AP, like:

• She wants to preserve the family and continuity of marital history at all costs(or)
  
• She wants the financial security that you provide (or)
  
• She doesn’t want her reputation tarnished.
  

As I told you before reason (a) has to be her reason for staying because if it is anything else, then you have an unequal partnership in this marriage and this will end up hurting egos, causing power struggles and rug sweeping of uncomfortable truths.

 

So how can you find out if she is not staying for (b) or ©?

 

I am most likely going to make her expose to our family after I have been thinking about it..

 

This is exactly how you find out. At least for © this will work. If it is only her reputation that she cared about that makes her to want the marriage then you can find out now, by asking her to confess to the entire family (if needed to your children or at least she lets you reserve the right to tell them at a later time). Please do this Barry because if she consents that will certainly prove to you that she isn’t here for the wrong reasons.

 

As for (b) if it is not too crazy an idea, you can ask for a post-nuptial agreement, which is fairer to you, given that you are the aggrieved party (and supposing you are in a no-fault state). If she agrees then you can at least be sure you are not a meal ticket.

 

There’s no reason to get emotional or get angry. Stay stoic and respectfully request her to prove her commitment to you. If she doesn’t, to stay with her or not, after that is up to you, but going forward you will at least know what is your worth to her.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Nirbhao.Nirvair

[S2B]

Since she is t making twice as much effort as you are to set the marriage on a track to get better - the marriage will not heal.

 

You aren't even at square one yet maybe not because she's not on board.

 

The consequences aren't being felt by her so she keeps walking all over you.

 

What are you planning to do to change the imbalance? She holds all YOUR power, still...

[barry23]

Thanks to those who have wished me well. I'm not even sure if we're gonna to save our marriage or divorce but the people here have helped me a lot. Yes I know I have been weak, this hit me like a freight train and I would of never thought she would do this to me. Especially not some guy who cheated on his gf with my wife yet my wife still continued to see him. I just need a set plan in place. And yes, my wife has said she's in love with the OM but wants our marriage over him Maybe I'm just being delusional and stupid, maybe she wants the marriage to work, maybe she wants me to set her free to be with her boyfriend. This has been a very dark depressing time for me, I just want to say I appreciate the advice and kind words and not so kind words cause I know it's all meant to help me.