Chaparral Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Have her read the NOT JUST FRIENDS book by Shirley Glass. The only way this works is if she stops texting etc. other men and quits her job where she is around him. I would go to her HR immediately and spoil this love fest she has. She is head over heels with him. Play nice guy here and your family is toast. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author barry23 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 It looks as if I'm going to have to make some tough decisions here. I still can't believe she said that to me. I don't want to lose her and would do anything to show her she means the world to me, but that will probably not end up good. I will confront her tomorrow morning, she's sleeping right now and I'm having a hard time falling asleep with this. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 It looks as if I'm going to have to make some tough decisions here. I still can't believe she said that to me. I don't want to lose her and would do anything to show her she means the world to me, but that will probably not end up good. I will confront her tomorrow morning, she's sleeping right now and I'm having a hard time falling asleep with this. If you want any chance at saving this, don't "confront" her. Confrontation only leads to arguments. Instead, talk with her about the marriage and how you are both feeling. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Check her phone. It's the perfect time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 So so sorry, Barry. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I wouldn't confront without evidence. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author barry23 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Her phone is locked and I don't know the passcode. I don't want to accuse her but tomorrow morning we will really need to speak about the state of our marriage and this other guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Understand one thing. You can't work on the marriage if another man is in it. If they work together it won't stop. Again, find out if he's married and inform his wife if he is. Quickest way to end this. Do not warn or tell your wife upfront. Just do it or they'll both conspire against you after your wife warns him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Check your phone bill. The volume of calls and texts will be a good start. Go online. Takes about 15 minutes. In the am ask her to show you her phone. If she doesn't you'll know. You can do a deleted text recovery on it or if she syncs it you can pull it off the PC 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Do not do the "pick me dance". Crying, begging or pleading will make you look weak and unnattractive. Get strong and stay there. Those that do this come out better no matter what happens. Like everyone says. Never leave your home. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I think your wife is likely having an affair with her coworker. She wants to separate to test the waters with him and have you as a back up action. Option. I meant back up option. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Her phone is locked and I don't know the passcode. Has it always been like this? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 First do not confront without evidence. Express concern. Read not just friends, it will be a bomb shell to her if her EA has not progessed to a PA. Here is a link Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends". There are free copies on line you can download as a PDF Begin to address her stated concerns. His Needs Her Needs is spoken highly of. Keep close to the vest your plans to possibly divorce, but while working on the marriage explore the possbility. If the separation question comes up again first ask her for how it would work. Ask about visiting the children, money, MC, etc. Then ask her about dating other people. This may flush the truth out. Any hesitation means yes. Ask for a day or two to consider and file. (remember you have reasearched this) You can learn a lot just by the phone log you can download from the companies web site. His number will pop right out. A simple search of the number with a online company will give you his name. A name and location using one of hundreds of sites will yield address, martial status, etc. In the event of either a separation or a divorce. You stay in the house !! Politely refuse to leave. Instead ask her too. Finally read other threads. There is a ton of into here on how to get out of this whole. Hurt yes but not broken. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 It looks as if I'm going to have to make some tough decisions here. I still can't believe she said that to me. I don't want to lose her and *would do anything to show her she means the world to me, but that will probably not end up good. I will confront her tomorrow morning, she's sleeping right now and I'm having a hard time falling asleep with this. *Do not think that, and do not say that. Operate from a position of strength. You've been a good husband, according to what she's said to you herself. Protect your marriage by being strong. She is the one who's misbehaving, not you. There is only one thing to discuss, and that's what she has been doing. Tell her you'll do what it takes to heal the marriage, but you'll do that only when she stops her inappropriate behaviour with the other guy. Take care. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Locked phones that are kept close at all times (including going into the bathroom to shower) shout guilty. Satu nailed an important point. A postion of strength. If you develop both plans I duscus you will feel a lot more confident. That confidence your wife will notice and take as a sign of strength. You will learn a lot of new terms. One will be cake eating. Only strength will stop it, 4 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I also forgot to mention a few hours ago she texted me saying sorry and she didn't mean the separation comment. I still don't think that solves the problem though. Can't I track her location using google? Car and phone for the most info. She could leave her cell at work and she can be at the park in her car during lunch with the OM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I wouldn't confront without evidence. Yes even though we know she has/had an affair, and the OM may of dumped her now you need to get evidence before you confront. You can try to bluff her by demanding her cell this morning and if she refuses then you will know the truth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Her phone is locked and I don't know the passcode. I don't want to accuse her but tomorrow morning we will really need to speak about the state of our marriage and this other guy. More proof of an affair is the locked cell. Demand she gives you the password and you are allowed to go through her cell right then. If not she is a WW. Those that have noting to hide, hide nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I'd gather more evidence before confronting her. If she drives to work, hide a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in the car so that you can record what she's saying in any phone calls to him. And, as someone else suggested, try to get a detailed copy of your phone bill that shows the volume of texts and calls going to the co-worker's number. The problem is that if you confront too early, she will take it further underground and hide it better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CupCakess Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Why does he need evidence to confront? She already said she wanted to separate. Separation: not being together, so she can date other people. Whether she texts/bangs the other guy is irrelevant given that banging someone else is already in her plans given she wants to split. You don't usually do this to just stay home watching movies. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I think your wife is likely having an affair with her coworker. She wants to separate to test the waters with him and have you as a back up action. Read the above and trust your gut. A separation is going to do nothing for you but put you deep in limbo wondering what she is doing with her "platonic" friend. i would tell her that if she wants to work on the marriage, she and her friend stop the coziness and you and your wife work it out. I would also tell her that if you separate, you are seeing an attorney and that before you get back together she will prove to you that she has not had sex with this "friend' by taking a polygraph. That statement to her will make it clear she is not going to try her boyfriend out and remain married to you. her reaction will tell you a lot, and my bet is she will resemble Casper the Ghost . You could also, if you want to, bluff her by telling her you do not believe that she is not involved with this guy but that you are Ok with it if she is trithful with you. She might just spill the beans, but if you do this you better be prepared to hear something you do not want to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 As stated above, go see an attorney no matter what. She wants a separation? You file. You can't cook dinner if you're not in the kitchen. Separation is a joke. This crap about "finding yourself" or "need to miss you" is BS. It's code for affair. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author barry23 Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 I've been oblivious to this whole thing and now i'm paying the price for it. I don't understand how someone who was so proud of our relationship and family is likely having an inappropriate relationship with her coworker. She told me she doesn't want me to leave and that comment was just in the heat of the moment. I'm going to ask her to see her phone or just check the cell phone bills. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Without proof you'll just get denial. You need a var in the car or download her deleted text messsges. In these situations you want to believe. That's where they have the advantage. Go online. You can download the calls texts. Once you've seen that you'll understand 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Go online. You can download the calls and texts. Once you've seen that you'll understand I would do this before you ask to see her phone. I'm going to ask her to see her phone Can't predict what her reaction will be other than to say it will be telling. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Be aware there are a number of other ways to communicate - 2nd pay-as-you-go phone, FB messaging, Apps, etc. You may have to do some digging to get the truth... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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