Marc878 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Barry, is her job worth that much? The only way to get over an affair is complete no contact. If you want to try R then the job must go. However, if you decide D is your path then I get it. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 And yes, my wife has said she's in love with the OM but wants our marriage over him Maybe I'm just being delusional and stupid, maybe she wants the marriage to work, maybe she wants me to set her free to be with her boyfriend. This has been a very dark depressing time for me, I just want to say I appreciate the advice and kind words and not so kind words cause I know it's all meant to help me. It's like most things in life - you don't sell or trade in the old car until you've bought the new one. Still need transportation, right? Just be realistic about the part you're playing. As Plan B, you'll get the leftovers, whatever the OM doesn't want. You wouldn't be the first to settle for this and you won't be the last. But from that point on, your happiness is on you. Deciding to stay and then complaining about the choice makes even less sense than what you're doing now... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Barry, You're in love with who you thought she was or it's just plain codependency. Although it doesn't seem like it the world won't end if she's gone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Hi Barry, for your own sake and for the sake of your children you should file for divorce like yesterday! As BryanP is won't to say' If you don't respect yourself who will?' Your wife only wants the marriage to maintain stability in her life. As far as you are concerned she couldn't care two hoots about you. You are dead to her, a ghost from the past. Her fog is still thick around her head and it won't start lifting till you serve her with divorce papers and her AP throws her under the bus. He is not the kind of person who would like to be saddled with her baggage of kids and restless feet syndrome and whatever other idiosyncracies she may bring with her. He just wanted no strings attached sex with her which he got and now that she is yesterday's girl he will be on the look out for new conquests. For him your wife is stale. However, you do not have to concern yourself with that as you should be done and over with her and moving on confidently with your life. Find yourself another partner who will appreciate you for who you are and not just treat you like a meal ticket and service provider. You have to tighten your belt and stop vacillating. Be a friend to yourself and not your own worst enemy. Some guy on the other forum gave you a snapshot of what has happened with your wife ever since she took on her new job and how you have been dealing with the knowledge that you now have of your wife. I think he was spot on and it would do you a world of good to heed his advice. It seems your wife took the advice on ASHLEY MADISON that life is short, have an affair. Now you need to heed the advice being given to you that life is short and you do not need to be stuck with a cheating , unremorseful wife for the rest of your life. Warm wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author barry23 Posted February 20, 2017 Author Share Posted February 20, 2017 (edited) I would say I'm looking to renconcile. She called her parents on the phone and told them about her affair. I was there when she told them. I don't know if we should tell the kids or who else should know, possibly my family. Her two sisters also know and are pretty angry with her. I already stopped doing that pick me dance. I don't want my marriage because I'm co dependent, I just care a lot about my family including my wife even though I'm just so angry with her right now. This does suck a lot. But if she doesn't want to remain married to me there's nothing I can do. Another thing suggested was exposing the guy she was having affair with at work. Will they even care anymore? I don't think that will do anything. Edited February 20, 2017 by barry23 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 If they work together or have contact the affair will continue. Just because you know doesn't mean it stops. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dub Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 You should expose to the workplace because the other man will most likely be fired. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 No contact is a must or she will never get over him. You don't have a chance against a fantasy. The other man wants what you have rather then crave something similar. Married women often appear more sexually and romantically appealing to male colleagues. His desire to take what is yours is part of his competitive nature and that is why he does not respect your territorial rights. I think it may have been my first post to you but I suggested you decide which is more important, the money/her job or your marriage. If you choose your marriage, expose them where they work. If you really want to get her companies attention pay a lawyer to write the letter and courier it to the principles of the company or the head of H/R. Barry, action has to happen, doing nothing is absolutely the worst thing you can do. She is watching your reactions in an attempt to justify her actions, don't give her more cause to choose the affair. Remember, the other man is an aggressor and she has identified herself with that type of personality. The sooner you expose to those that have influence over her the better your chances with her are. This is the wrong time to be laid back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 The only betrayed husbands who have ever had any chance at reconciling with or "winning" their WWs back are husbands who have taken swift, decisive action to protect themselves and their children. Women respond to decisive men who take charge and stand up for themselves. They prefer men who lead...men who don't vacillate or wait around to let others tell them what to do. A couple years after my divorce, after my serial cheating wife left me for one of her OMs, we happened to be together at a school function for our daughter. We didn't talk much, but I let her sit next to me, as the venue was packed. As the function was ending we were waiting for the crowd to start moving out of the room and she suddenly out of the blue, complimented me on being a good dad to our daughter, and how she was glad our daughter had one good parent. Then she told me that, even though she never showed me at the time, she had a lot of respect for me and the way I handled our divorce. She actually complimented me for standing up to her and not taking her crap. I guess all of her boyfriends since were wishy-washy and spineless. I was quite amazed to hear this coming from her. It was by no means an apology for what she had put me through, but it was somewhat gratifying to hear it coming from her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
starpower Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 It's good that you've set some boundaries and consequences. . Just make you stick with that and follow through with the consequences you've laid down, otherwise this will be a endless cycle. Remember your self worth. Don't end up being a door mat. It's fine that you want to try and make this work. I get it, least if he doesn't work out, you can say to yourself I tried. Keep your wits about you, it's going to be hard for both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Barry, you need to come back and post a summary of what's happened to date. Understand you will be judged not by your wife's adultery, but rather your reaction to it. Adultery is adultery, the issue reisdes soley on the WS to fix it not the BS. If you attempt reconcilation it must the dealt with first and foremost. The MC must state adultery is never acceptable. Issues are issues. Sometimes they are 100% on one side, often it is a sliding scale these must be dealt with as well or the cycle will repeat. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 troubadour has problems with people like us Jersey born raised. Not really sure why??? But that is OK maybe troubadour is having issues with something in his/her own life. troubadour it will be ok... As far a Barry goes, he has been really weak with his wife, but eventually he will grow stronger and understand that women want strength from their man. They don't respect weakness and never will. I do hope he gets better though, he is so young and he does not realize what is out there waiting for him if he chooses to divorce. I do really feel bad for him though, bless his heart... Link to post Share on other sites
cjmmytunes Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Barry, I can't offer any advice but just want to say I'm sorry to hear about this and hope things work out for the best for you, your family, and even your WW. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Understand you will be judged not by your wife's adultery, but rather your reaction to it. But please remember....how YOU judge yourself is much more important than how WE judge you. You will live with you and your choices. We won't. At the end of the day, we log off LS and continue on with our own lives. You continue on with yours. Arm chair quarterbacking is great for feedback and advice, but we all know that since we do not live in your shoes and might make different choices if we did, your decisions will be based on the information given here, on other boards, and in your real life. Our feedback is only as good as the information given by you. Women like strength, but they also like kindness. Women like decisive men, but they like men who care too about the others around them, including their wives. Despite all that she has done, the love you had for her cannot be dismissed with a shrug or your shoulders. And IME if there is yet hope, then we want to try even if it seems stupid to others. Perhaps at the end of the day, you will agree about its stupidity, but maybe you won't. If you quit before you are ready, then you may question if the marriage could be saved. If you quit on your own terms, then you will know that you made the choice when you felt best. Choose your direction, live with the results, and alter the course as you gain new information if necessary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Has Barry even been back around recently? I see his last post as a week ago. What's going on now, Barry? People are swirling with suppositions about you and are eagerly arguing on here without you in the room, so to speak. Your own input right now would probably help clear some stuff up. Hope you're hanging in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hi Barry, how are you doing? How is your wife behaving? Has she shown any remorse at all? What have her patents had to say to you and to her? Has there been any family meeting to discuss this problem? Have you informed your folks? I guess you have a lot on your plate and you have received a lot of advice here and on the other forum, much of it very good. However, only you will have to figure out what you can live with, what is good for you and what you want deep down in your heart. What your wife did to you and your marriage is beyond disgusting and cruel. Apparently, she does not love you if she ever did she only used you for security and a good solid lifestyle. I don't think there is any coming back from that. Whatever you do now, choose wisely. The choices you make now and the actions you take based on them will ensure your future happiness or pain and regret with your choices. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) Folks, it is inappropriate to post URL's of other forums here. Not to mention the anonymity issue that LoveShack takes so seriously but also those of you who posted those URL's messed up this thread on LoveShack. Any more posts with URL's in them will get you 10 days of moderation. Thanks Edited March 5, 2017 by Robert 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Closed since the thread starter hasn't been back in a couple of weeks. If they want it re-opened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks all who posted to help the thread starter Link to post Share on other sites
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