POLL: Instant Attraction VS Slow-Burning

[SummerRae]

Ok, so something Reluctant Romeo posted really got me thinking... how do we know the difference between a slow-burning passion and instant attraction???

(Since in my mind it almost seems as though instant attraction is like some vortex of energy that just spits you out and makes you hungry for more, but could never really be sustained......)

 

Here's what Romeo said:

 

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

 

It would also be worth analysing what makes you spark. Relationships are not about the initial spark, but lasting, slow-burning passion. I've learnt this the hard way - I'd like to think I could spare someone else the pain.

 

 

RELUCTANT ROMEO, (or anyone else??) could you elaborate more on that? I know that in the past I have fell for the Instant Attraction and it has, in fact, got me no where. (Or perhaps somewhere since it felt like fu(king bliss in the moment and no I would not trade any moment for anything. Yes, Romantic Heart here in the house...) But it still makes me think: am I looking for the wrong, unsustainable thing? Am I looking for an appy that will do nothing but leave me sooo hungry for more?

 

Tell us about this slow-burning passion. Is the initial attraction still there? How do you separate the Instant Attraction from the Slow-Burning kind?? Please share. This is so interesting to me......

[LucreziaBorgia]

When Mr. B and I first got together, it was like wild animals - we were all over each other all the time. Fairly primal. As time passed, and we grew together as a couple and individuals and as parents things changed subtly. Now instead of just taking each other down like animals we sort of ease into it and that crazy mad passion sort of coaxes out when we are having sex rather than it being there first. Its still there, but it became a product of our lovemaking rather than the motivation for it.

 

The initial flame of passion, if attended to well - will burn down to a steady burning bed of coals that sustains heat for a long, long time. You can still ignite a flame from it when necessary - but otherwise it is a steady slow burn that sustains as long as you continue to slowly feed it.

 

The slow burn is what you feel when you subtract crazy passionate sex from the equation - you find that your relationship suffers no less for it, and you still want to wake up next to them every day, you love just being close to one another - its like the bed of coals that you know will warm you on all levels with an even steady heat, and it isn't necessary to stoke it up to a huge roaring fire all the time because you know it will always be smoldering even if you don't.

[amerikajin]

As much as we in the West utterly disregard the thought of an arranged marriage, the thing I've heard from people who've had them is that they "learn" to love their companion. They cut away all of the petty expectations and conditions associated with 'romantic love' and focus on more practical and realistic needs, such as income, division of labor and care for each other and the family. Far from the idea of advocating arranged marriage, I'm saying that as I learn more about romantic relationships, I am more convinced that a true partnership is more about loyalty and friendship, and not as much about raw attraction or romance. Passion has a place in a relationship, but it needs to be tempered with things like respect and admiration for the person as a whole. I don't think you can really respect someone you don't know - that takes time. Respect is earned.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by amerikajin

As much as we in the West utterly disregard the thought of an arranged marriage, the thing I've heard from people who've had them is that they "learn" to love their companion. They cut away all of the petty expectations and conditions associated with 'romantic love' and focus on more practical and realistic needs, such as income, division of labor and care for each other and the family.

Very good observation AMERIKAJIN but only people who are born into a culture and society where this is reinforced and accepted universally can do this. It would never fly in the West. I've said it before and I'll say it again.....ROMANTIC LOVE IS THE WORST FOUNDATION FOR A LONG, HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE.

 

and as I'm sure you're aware, eastern societies tend to be more pragmatic and practical, mainly cause its a matter of survival.

[SummerRae]

wow, my 3 favourite posters (except ALPHA ) post on this subject! Can't wait to read it! (Was just on the phone......)

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

The slow burn is what you feel when you subtract crazy passionate sex from the equation - you find that your relationship suffers no less for it, and you still want to wake up next to them every day, you love just being close to one another - its like the bed of coals that you know will warm you on all levels with an even steady heat, and it isn't necessary to stoke it up to a huge roaring fire all the time because you know it will always be smoldering even if you don't.

 

 

OHHHH, LUCREZIA, I love that! That's so poetically beautiful. Exactly as I imagine it would and could be. What I am looking for. What I would like to Manifest. You and Mr. B seem to be a prime example that it exists, that it is possible to have both Love and Passion AND SUSTAINABILITY. Am interested in knowing more, if you care to elaborate? Did you know Mr. B was the One? What made you sure?

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by amerikajin

Passion has a place in a relationship, but it needs to be tempered with things like respect and admiration for the person as a whole. I don't think you can really respect someone you don't know - that takes time. Respect is earned.

 

Interesting. Reminds me of something my friend revealed to me yesterday: that you don't really, really know someone until after a year. Before that time, you are still trying to impress one another, not being fully real/honest in some ways. Only with time can it be seen how well of a fit two people are together.

 

I know of, ummm, 3 couples who have enviable relationships. (Now 4 if I count LUCREZIA ) They have that respect, that comfortable silence, that total trust and did I say respect? My best friend always, always talks to her husband about soooo many things. Making plans. Asking what he's interested in, etc... He does the same for her. They've been together for 5 years and though they have their fleeting fights, they are so in Love and it's so beautiful. Not that painful up and down heart ache I have seen with so many couples. More of a, "I know we will always be there for each other" type of thing.

 

Beautiful!

[whichwayisup]

Instant Attraction : The attraction will keep on going, feeding into more. The problem is the rest doesn't fall into place as easily as slow burning.

 

Slow Burning Passion: Always keeps getting better and the rest of the relationship just falls into place nicely.

Maybe it isn't as intense as the instant attraction, but it is a healthier and happier situation to be in long term.

 

In my experience, I absolutely LOVED the hot and steamy sex with one guy - total animalistic sexual attraction! I couldn't get enough of him and I wanted sex all the time when I was around him. Took no time to have an orgasm with him, I was ready 24/7. He brought that out in me...BUT...(There's always a but) it wasn't a healthy relationship for me. It was just based on sex and we relied on that too much. When I really needed him he wasn't capable of true friendship and he wasn't trustworthy either. That attraction put blinders on me and I allowed it too. Was so into getting laid and having amazing sex, I couldn't think of anything else ... Until I changed. Then all went downhill...

 

Slow burning: Much more passionate long term. That intense sexually feeling comes and goes.

 

With my husband it's slow burning at times. I prefer that, less intense and less drama. I like things to be predicable in the relationship, not rocky. Relationships should be easy and not have to be drained by the time you go to sleep at night...Unless it's sex related!

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by alphamale

Very good observation AMERIKAJIN but only people who are born into a culture and society where this is reinforced and accepted universally can do this. It would never fly in the West. I've said it before and I'll say it again.....ROMANTIC LOVE IS THE WORST FOUNDATION FOR A LONG, HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE.

 

and as I'm sure you're aware, eastern societies tend to be more pragmatic and practical, mainly cause its a matter of survival.

 

So what is ALPHAMALE's perception on what makes a relationship sustainable?? Enlighten me. (I am being fastidiously serious here!)

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Instant Attraction : The attraction will keep on going, feeding into more. The problem is the rest doesn't fall into place as easily as slow burning.

 

Slow Burning Passion: Always keeps getting better and the rest of the relationship just falls into place nicely.

Maybe it isn't as intense as the instant attraction, but it is a healthier and happier situation to be in long term.

 

Again, interesting. Yes, added another missing piece to my puzzle of why my two romantic LOVES failed. They were both super INSTANT. I'm talkin' I knew with both of them instantly that I wanted and would be with them.

 

It was hella sexual. Like we're talking wanting sex ALL. THE. TIME. (whether or not we did is another story but yep, we wanted to!)

 

Both men were incapable of really genuinely articulating their feelings/emotions, etc... We weren't friends in that sense. There was an intimacy block in those regards. Proof, in my eyes, that we weren't meant to be...

 

I hope next go-round I will be able to discern that I-want-you-right-here-and-now feeling from slow burning passion.

 

Note to self: I will watch out for the sexual feeling flag. (I may not stop it from happening, and may succumb to the passion, but at least I will also not be foolish enough to have expectations of a lasting relationship occuring... I will simply Live in the Moment of it.)

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by SummerRae

Ok, so something Reluctant Romeo posted really got me thinking... how do we know the difference between a slow-burning passion and instant attraction???

 

Tell us about this slow-burning passion. Is the initial attraction still there? How do you separate the Instant Attraction from the Slow-Burning kind?? Please share. This is so interesting to me......

 

Hey, I'm flattered

 

I think a lot of good stuff has been said by the other posters already - I particularly agree with Alpha and Amerikajin that there are problems inherent in a culture that elevates subjective feelings and romantic love to a status of infallibility. Love is not a tingly feeling, it's commitment and an act of the will. Non-western cultures know this.

 

I think that romantic sparks can come from lots of good reasons. But there are lots of bad reasons too - simple physical attraction, obviously. And the more subtle and sinister force of bad childhood experiences. For example, abused girls selecting guys who turn out to be abusive.

 

Lucrezia is spot on in her analysis. Starting a barbecue requires sparks, but you're really looking for the slow-burning coals. Only an idiot would give up on barbecue because the flames were no longer leaping up. But this happens so often with romances.

 

And I guess the answer is that time is the surest way of telling whether the sparks will catch or not. But experience may help you notice when important coals are missing - eg as you said, the incapacity to express emotions.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by SummerRae

So what is ALPHAMALE's perception on what makes a relationship sustainable?? Enlighten me. (I am being fastidiously serious here!)

Love almost always fades over time so the marriage needs to be based upon companionship, friendship, mutual dependence and intellectual stimulation. Being able to make a decent pot roast does not hurt either

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

 

And I guess the answer is that time is the surest way of telling whether the sparks will catch or not. But experience may help you notice when important coals are missing - eg as you said, the incapacity to express emotions.

 

Thanks Romeo! This is becoming such an enlightening education........ If there's been any area of my life that has been lacking, it has been my incomprehension of these matters.

 

It's all starting to come together now. I really think I'm one of those people who has to go through things a few times to really GET IT. (Hence being heartbroken twice... and both from VERY similar men). The not-so-freakin-funny thing is these men were in sooo many ways JUST LIKE MY FATHER. Both extremely active but incapable of really communicating. Both did not trust people in general enough to really open up. And I did love this about them. I liked the not knowing what they were thinking part. They would really listen to me, but wouldn't really open up.

 

To have sustainabilty, I think I NEED to have someone who can really talk about shi!t!

 

And of course handle my philosophical ways!!

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by alphamale

Love almost always fades over time so the marriage needs to be based upon companionship, friendship, mutual dependence and intellectual stimulation. Being able to make a decent pot roast does not hurt either

 

So... ALPHAMALE, you know ALL THIS and yet you still choose to serial monogamy?? (Or wait, is monogomy even in your equation? Did I get that part wrong?) Mind you, knowing all this doesn't mean that we necessarily want to find a lasting relationship. Suppose some can know the magic formula but still not want to hold it. Hmmmm, interesting again.

[shamen]

Hey SummerRae,

 

I've had lots of instant attraction relationships, none of which have worked out. They can develop into something like Lucrezia described, a slow burning bed of coals. But I definitely think that these are hard to find.

 

One of the guys who asked me to marry him eventually told me (after I broke up with him) that he thought that love was something that needs to stay all crazy and passionate. I told him that this was impossible to maintain. Love doesn't work that way. Eventually the infatuation phase that one feels at the beginning fades away and hopefully you've got the things that ALPHA talked about to maintain the relationship: "companionship, friendship, intellectual stimulation" (I don't know about this mutual dependence thing).

 

The one who got away in my life (my total big screw up) was a man that I did not think was attractive at first. Someone who I became very close to and eventually I had major feelings for him and I would melt at the sight of him. One and only time though. That was serious slow burning. Took years to develop.

 

So, I too need to work on chilling things out. Instant attraction equals not much of anything really.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by SummerRae

Thanks Romeo! This is becoming such an enlightening education........

 

My pleasure

 

 

The not-so-freakin-funny thing is these men were in sooo many ways JUST LIKE MY FATHER.

 

Thus proving the point about sparks incorporating good and bad from childhood.

 

 

To have sustainabilty, I think I NEED to have someone who can really talk about shi!t!

 

Good lesson.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by shamen

(I don't know about this mutual dependence thing).

if both parties are not dependent upon each other to some extent then WTF is the point behind the union?

[JS17]

Tthis is probably the best thread i've read on LS thus far. I've struggled with this topic just like SummerRae although I don't think I've ever found that slow burning love. Thanks to everyone for their input.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by SummerRae

OHHHH, LUCREZIA, I love that! That's so poetically beautiful. Exactly as I imagine it would and could be. What I am looking for. What I would like to Manifest. You and Mr. B seem to be a prime example that it exists, that it is possible to have both Love and Passion AND SUSTAINABILITY. Am interested in knowing more, if you care to elaborate? Did you know Mr. B was the One? What made you sure?

 

I think what we have is a happy fluke, to be honest - I wouldn't recommend that anyone deliberately try to pull it off and have it work. We met, f*cked like animals and whoopsie - Luc finds herself pregnant by someone she barely knows except as casual friends and bedmates! Little B came 12 weeks early, and a good deal of the true bonding that Mr. B and I did was in that neonatal unit. You find yourself evaluating your life a great deal, when a life you created together hangs in a precarious balance. We got to really know each other well during that time and by the end of that very intense time, we took our baby home as a family as we decided to spring a surprise wedding on everyone down in the hospital chapel the day that Little B was discharged from the hospital.

 

Its been over 8 years since then, and its had its ups and downs. We did not delude ourselves into thinking we were going to make a "traditional marriage" out of our very, very nontraditional selves and relationship. We decided from the beginning that we were going to make the marriage work for us, and not box ourselves and our relationship into someone else's ideal of what a marriage 'should be'. Our daughter is an important part of this. Would we have worked as well, without her as a factor? There's no telling... would we have decided to overthrow the "shoulds" in life had we not had the extreme motivation of the type of situation we found ourselves in?

 

When you meet someone, and they are more important to you than the relationship itself - meaning that you are willing to accept and love them for who they are to you and not who they "should be" in terms of the relationship - then you know they are "the one" for you. Sometimes you can find the "perfect one" that is perfect only in the context of a given relationship. I was engaged to the "perfect one" in my 20's - and let me tell you, when that relationship ended - he was no longer "the one" - we were only right for each other in the context of that relationship, and only when it was functioning well.

 

The relationship Mr. B and I have can break every rule, and come crashing down at any given time - and we will still be the people for each other that we want to grow old with. Some people are appalled by us, and our disregard for the "shoulds" - and what we have won't work for a lot of people. I guess I had to make a choice: the perfect person for me, or the "perfect" relationship (in terms of what people think the perfect relationship should be)...

 

I chose the perfect person. We are happy with each other. Is every day roses and romance? Nah... and its nice knowing that it doesn't have to be in order for us to be happy with each other. I guess its that lack of obligation that keeps it going - he'll surprise me with such sweet things for no other reason than the fact that he wants to. I do the same for him, too. We don't question what we have with each other any more than we question the relationship we have with our daughter and other family members.

 

I guess it is a matter of finding what is your personal "right" for you - and not what those around you think is "right". It can be hard - because often you find yourself in conflict between what is right for you and what you thing ought to be right for you.

[shamen]

Originally posted by alphamale

if both parties are not dependent upon each other to some extent then WTF is the point behind the union?

 

Jeez, ALPHA, do you need to use "WTF"?

 

The thing that freaked me out about it was the idea of co-dependence, really. I realize that you didn't state that, but it sounds too much like it. Sorry. Maybe I'm too worried about the word choice.

 

I, of course, want to depend on the other person, but not make them the only focus in my life. You've already put friendship and companionship in your list, so what do you need mutual dependence for? Do you mean in terms of life's necessities?

 

Please elaborate.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by shamen

You've already put friendship and companionship in your list, so what do you need mutual dependence for? Do you mean in terms of life's necessities?

 

Please elaborate.

emotional dependence, monetary dependence, companionship dependence. you know....like the hubby is good at math and fixing things around house and wifey is not. or the wife is good at cooking and earning a six figure salary and the hubby is not. whatever.... basically what i say is that your spouse must fulfill some of your needs for you to keep them around. those needs could be anything.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by JS17

Tthis is probably the best thread i've read on LS thus far. I've struggled with this topic just like SummerRae although I don't think I've ever found that slow burning love. Thanks to everyone for their input.

 

I completely AGREE. I think this topic has attracted some of LS's GREATEST and best thinkers. It is a topic worth analyzing if we really want to attain a lasting relationship, we need to look at what makes one tick.

[Outcast]

There are a lot of great books on this stuff. A guy named John Gottman has been studying this issue for quite a while and has written books and articles. He can be googled.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

I guess it is a matter of finding what is your personal "right" for you - and not what those around you think is "right". It can be hard - because often you find yourself in conflict between what is right for you and what you thing ought to be right for you.

 

Once again, WOWZA, LUCREZIA. Another bursting epiphany.

 

Interesting that you should say all the things you said. lol. I am finally starting to understand what it is I would be comfortable with. What it is that I want. (Though chances could be that it won't appear the way I wanted or thought it would).

 

I truly whole heartedly believe in Manifestation. That consciously and unconsciously (simultaneously) we manifest relationships in general and romantic relationships in specific based on what we need (and sometimes want) to learn.

 

You truly did luck out LUCREZIA, but (big but) I also think that you, on another level need what you got. You seem to be very self-aware. So cool that you have found someone you are certain is right for you. I see it out there. But it never ceases to amaze me when people have IT. It's still a miracle, in my mind.

 

There is more to what you said that I want to respond to... let me think about it a little longer. There is so much there.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by shamen

Hey SummerRae,

 

I've had lots of instant attraction relationships, none of which have worked out. They can develop into something like Lucrezia described, a slow burning bed of coals. But I definitely think that these are hard to find.

 

One of the guys who asked me to marry him eventually told me (after I broke up with him) that he thought that love was something that needs to stay all crazy and passionate. I told him that this was impossible to maintain. Love doesn't work that way. Eventually the infatuation phase that one feels at the beginning fades away and hopefully you've got the things that ALPHA talked about to maintain the relationship: "companionship, friendship, intellectual stimulation" (I don't know about this mutual dependence thing).

 

The one who got away in my life (my total big screw up) was a man that I did not think was attractive at first. Someone who I became very close to and eventually I had major feelings for him and I would melt at the sight of him. One and only time though. That was serious slow burning. Took years to develop.

 

So, I too need to work on chilling things out. Instant attraction equals not much of anything really.

 

Hey Shamen,

 

more for me to respond to... must do my daughterly duties... will respond when I return.