My Story With a MW (long post)

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Oh, and p.s. Sheets...under NO circumstances should you falter, delay, or deviate from your plans. She leaves H or you leave her! Don't let her talk you into anything else. This is your life here...don't let it be wasted and, most definitely, don't let anyone jerk you around lest you be turned into a sniveling weakling who lost all sense of himself whilest pining for the unobtainable. Seriously, you're a good guy...look at how many women on your thread stated so. Don't let this turn you into anything less. It will eat at your self-esteem, even if you think you'll just get the "goodies" without anything more...that's a lie you'd tell yourself...a trap! It's you or him. Don't be an afterthought or plan B!

 

Only a couple of months ago I was in agony as one of those who needed advice and support. This community was my saving grace.

Edited January 19, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[FortyandForlorn]

I agree with everyone else that you're doing the right thing. And please get out there and start dating. What stuck out to me was how often you mentioned her drinking in your post. Could she possibly have a drinking problem?

[betweenthesheets]

I think you're doing the right thing, no doubt. If she doesn't choose you, staying in an affair will only postpone and magnify the super duper shltty heartbreak and suffering you'll go through later. Add to that if you guys have a D-Day and it gets blown wide open in your workplace, and it's a complete and utter disaster waiting to happen. (Trust me, unfortunately I speak from experience on that.)

 

I would also caution you that "limerance" (infatuation) is a real thing. Make sure you think through all of this woman's various characteristics and personality traits VERY carefully. Is this actually someone who you could share a life with in the day-to-day? It's all well and good when you're meeting up to have hot almost-sex and talk about how much you love each other and how much the other person is the most perfect creature on the planet. It's a lot different when you're bickering about dishes or whose turn it is to scoop the cat box or whatever, or you realize that your approaches to spending / cleanliness / hobbies / work-life balance / travel etc etc etc are wildly different.

 

Excellent points, I will think about what you said. Thank you!

[betweenthesheets]

Oh, and p.s. Sheets...under NO circumstances should you falter, delay, or deviate from your plans. She leaves H or you leave her! Don't let her talk you into anything else. This is your life here...don't let it be wasted and, most definitely, don't let anyone jerk you around lest you be turned into a sniveling weakling who lost all sense of himself whilest pining for the unobtainable. Seriously, you're a good guy...look at how many women on your thread stated so. Don't let this turn you into anything less. It will eat at your self-esteem, even if you think you'll just get the "goodies" without anything more...that's a lie you'd tell yourself...a trap! It's you or him. Don't be an afterthought or plan B!

 

Only a couple of months ago I was in agony as one of those who needed advice and support. This community was my saving grace.

You're awesome Hadmeover, really! Thank you! I also added you as a contact on here.

[betweenthesheets]

I agree with everyone else that you're doing the right thing. And please get out there and start dating. What stuck out to me was how often you mentioned her drinking in your post. Could she possibly have a drinking problem?

She does drink a bit, but so do I, but it has raised a flag since she appears to take action while drinking that she normally wouldn't sober.

 

I think she knows its a little excessive, and I haven't really stepped in to say anything because I'm not sure if I have a right to judge her considering everything she's going through. If we do become a couple, and it continues to be excessive to where shes acting negatively I will have to say something at some point.

[FortyandForlorn]

She does drink a bit, but so do I, but it has raised a flag since she appears to take action while drinking that she normally wouldn't sober.

 

I think she knows its a little excessive, and I haven't really stepped in to say anything because I'm not sure if I have a right to judge her considering everything she's going through. If we do become a couple, and it continues to be excessive to where shes acting negatively I will have to say something at some point.

 

Then you really can't trust her emotions or actions. You need to back away big time and let her sort out her issues on her own. You can't be her happiness.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I agree with everyone else that you're doing the right thing. And please get out there and start dating. What stuck out to me was how often you mentioned her drinking in your post. Could she possibly have a drinking problem?

 

I also thought this^^^

[betweenthesheets]

Oh, and p.s. Sheets...under NO circumstances should you falter, delay, or deviate from your plans. She leaves H or you leave her! Don't let her talk you into anything else. This is your life here...don't let it be wasted and, most definitely, don't let anyone jerk you around lest you be turned into a sniveling weakling who lost all sense of himself whilest pining for the unobtainable. Seriously, you're a good guy...look at how many women on your thread stated so. Don't let this turn you into anything less. It will eat at your self-esteem, even if you think you'll just get the "goodies" without anything more...that's a lie you'd tell yourself...a trap! It's you or him. Don't be an afterthought or plan B!

 

Only a couple of months ago I was in agony as one of those who needed advice and support. This community was my saving grace.

 

Then you really can't trust her emotions or actions. You need to back away big time and let her sort out her issues on her own. You can't be her happiness.

 

This is true, during our talk on Wednesday, I brought up that I wasn't sure how serious she was in leaving and being with me, one of the reasons I mentioned that made me concern of that was the fact that she usually says she loves me and wants to leave him when she's drunk (not every time, but it has been a lot maybe most of the time). She looked upset when I said that, and I think that may have been the reason why I received the "I know you dont want to hear this right now, but I do love you" text after we finished meeting/talking on Wednesday.

 

 

She does openly admit to me that she lacks courage and is terrified of leaving her husband, I have wondered if the Alcohol is a way of her loosing up about the situation to try to do what she really wants in leaving him, or if its being used to help string me along. I have sided on her using it to loosen up about her marriage situation and that she truly wants to leave him but cant say it without being under the influence. I know right now you guys may be thinking shes pulling the sheet over my eyes, but really, I could see how upset/devastated she was after the first time she told her husband she wasn't happy, this was a huge fear for her that she never expected to do, it hurt her to hurt him, but she did tell him again this past weekend.

Edited January 20, 2017 by betweenthesheets

[HadMeOverABarrel]

This is true, during our talk on Wednesday, I brought up that I wasn't sure how serious she was in leaving and being with me, one of the reasons I mentioned that made me concern of that was the fact that she usually says she loves me and wants to leave him when she's drunk (not every time, but it has been a lot maybe most of the time). She looked upset when I said that, and I think that may have been the reason why I received the "I know you dont want to hear this right now, but I do love you" text after we finished meeting/talking on Wednesday.

 

 

She does openly admit to me that she lacks courage and is terrified of leaving her husband, I have wondered if the Alcohol is a way of her loosing up about the situation to try to do what she really wants in leaving him, or if its being used to help string me along. I have sided on her using it to loosen up about her marriage situation and that she truly wants to leave him but cant say it without being under the influence. I know right now you guys may be thinking shes pulling the sheet over my eyes, but really, I could see how upset/devastated she was after the first time she told her husband she wasn't happy, this was a huge fear for her that she never expected to do, it hurt her to hurt him, but she did tell him again this past weekend.

 

Oh man, Sheets, this drinking thing is really f'ed up and not cool. "I was drunk" as an excuse should die after age 22. Issues. Flags. Heed the warning. There is more here that's problematic than just her being married. Your white knight is responding to her damsel in distress. Please explore this in IC. I know I may sound harsh (that's bc you love her), but wow it's easier to understand a woman since I am one. In that vein, perhaps read my threads and see if you get some insight about my xMM since you are a man. I'm getting a new angle reading your thread, too. By the way, I still love my xMM, too, but I see him waaaaaay differently than I did just 4 months ago. The urge to be with him is less and less and less as time goes on. Maybe I'll always love him, but the desire to be connected to him is almost totally gone. Take care!

Edited January 20, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[betweenthesheets]

Oh, and p.s. Sheets...under NO circumstances should you falter, delay, or deviate from your plans. She leaves H or you leave her! Don't let her talk you into anything else. This is your life here...don't let it be wasted and, most definitely, don't let anyone jerk you around lest you be turned into a sniveling weakling who lost all sense of himself whilest pining for the unobtainable. Seriously, you're a good guy...look at how many women on your thread stated so. Don't let this turn you into anything less. It will eat at your self-esteem, even if you think you'll just get the "goodies" without anything more...that's a lie you'd tell yourself...a trap! It's you or him. Don't be an afterthought or plan B!

 

Only a couple of months ago I was in agony as one of those who needed advice and support. This community was my saving grace.

 

Oh man, Sheets, this drinking thing is really f'ed up and not cool. "I was drunk" as an excuse should die after age 22. Issues. Flags. Heed the warning. There is more here that's problematic than just her being married. Your white night is responding to her damsel in distress. Please explore this in IC. I know I may sound harsh (that's bc you love her), but wow it's easier to understand a woman since I am one. In that vein, perhaps read my threads and see if you get some insight about my xMM since you are a man. I'm getting a new angle reading your thread, too. By the way, I still love my xMM, too, but I see him waaaaaay differently than I did just 4 months ago. The urge to be with him is less and less and less as time goes on. Maybe I'll always love him, but the desire to be connected to him is almost totally gone. Take care!

 

I apologize, what is IC? (I've looked up the abbreviations on the site but couldn't find a page that covers everything.)

 

Thanks Heads, I did actually read two of your threads earlier this evening, it was interesting because I felt like we had somewhat similar experiences in being approached and chasing someone married that we would never have done so if we didnt have our defenses down. Just out of curiosity Heads, what state are you located in? You dont have to respond to that if you're uncomfortable in doing so, I just couldn't help to wonder.

 

As far as my MW goes, I dont think its fair for me to judge her, I like to drink (responsibility) as well, to judge her and hold it against her seems like it would be hypocritical and unfair considering the situation that she's in. I know it sounds like I am enabling or making excuses for her, but I dont think its to the point to where its a deal breaker.

[LivingWaterPlease]

IC=Individual Counseling (MC would be marriage counseling)

[betweenthesheets]

I have until Monday to hear her decision, I feel that it won't go my way, the NC since Wednesday is starting to make me doubt. Do I have the strength? This is hard.

[FortyandForlorn]

She does openly admit to me that she lacks courage and is terrified of leaving her husband, I have wondered if the Alcohol is a way of her loosing up about the situation to try to do what she really wants in leaving him, or if its being used to help string me along. I have sided on her using it to loosen up about her marriage situation and that she truly wants to leave him but cant say it without being under the influence. I know right now you guys may be thinking shes pulling the sheet over my eyes, but really, I could see how upset/devastated she was after the first time she told her husband she wasn't happy, this was a huge fear for her that she never expected to do, it hurt her to hurt him, but she did tell him again this past weekend.

 

Never trust what anyone says while drunk. She may be unhappy in her marriage, and she may greatly care about you, but unless she's completely sober and making strides to really be with you, it's all an illusion. And you sound codependent (in other words, you sound like me. Ha!).

 

Is any of this true for you:

Patterns and Characteristics 2011 - CoDA.org

[betweenthesheets]

I agree, but she has said she loves me when she's sober and wants to leave him.

 

Yeah, that's a lot of identifying items in being co dependent, I'm sure more many people would find at least one of those traits in such a broad large list.

[BuddyX]

I agree, but she has said she loves me when she's sober and wants to leave him.

 

Yeah, that's a lot of identifying items in being co dependent, I'm sure more many people would find at least one of those traits in such a broad large list.

 

You're still thinking like a kid, not a man. "But she said she loved me". Who gives a rip what she said. Action over words. Where is she tonight? With the person she wants to be with. Nuff said.

 

If you took away the sex, would you still sweat her like a cheap suit?

Edited January 20, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[betweenthesheets]

You're still thinking like a kid, not a man. "But she said she loved me". Who gives a rip what she said. Action over words. Where is she tonight? With the person she wants to be with. Nuff said.

 

If you took away the sex, would you still sweat her like a cheap suit?

 

 

Very true Buddy, that's why I told her she has to decide by Monday.

 

I haven't had sex with her, I truly do love her. But honestly, it would probably make me doubt my decision less if I removed the sexual aspect of it.

[betweenthesheets]

Update. Just received another text msg since I told her no contact until Sunday evening to hear if she's leaving him. The first msg was something irrelevant to us so I ignored. The new msg that just came in was "I've been thinking about you, hope all is well". Not sure if that's a positive sign, negative or neutral as we come closer to the verdict. Thoughts?

[Ruffian1]

My thoughts?

 

It is just some text on a screen. She tapped out some words and hit send.

 

Actions.

 

Not words.

 

Do not reply.

[BuddyX]

Thoughts? She wants to string you along.

Odds of her staying with H and or stringing you along is about 90%. Do you want to hang on the 10%?

 

In your place, I would go on as many dates this weekend as possible. Hang out with your boys. So by the time Monday comes along, her answer should not matter, and would be on the backburnner.

 

Why are you so obsessed with her? You're trying to dissect ever text message. Remember, be a man not a kid.

[whichwayisup]

Update. Just received another text msg since I told her no contact until Sunday evening to hear if she's leaving him. The first msg was something irrelevant to us so I ignored. The new msg that just came in was "I've been thinking about you, hope all is well". Not sure if that's a positive sign, negative or neutral as we come closer to the verdict. Thoughts?

 

She has NO intention of leaving her husband and being with you. None.

 

She likes the affair and what it brings into her life. She's not going to give up the benefits of being married, the house, lifestyle, and start over with you. Sorry to be blunt.

 

The best thing you can do is tell her goodbye and block her. This woman even IF she does leave is in no position to just pick up and start a new life with you. She needs help, counseling and AA. She'll have so much emotional baggage and stuff to deal with.

[Poppy47]

Very true Buddy, that's why I told her she has to decide by Monday.

 

I haven't had sex with her, I truly do love her. But honestly, it would probably make me doubt my decision less if I removed the sexual aspect of it.

 

How do you know you truly love her.

 

You see her drunk, probably at her best. I do wonder what she's like drunk and at her worst. I do no have a pretty image in my brain. she could be a nightmare to live with. Starting a relationship with a drinking problem involved is not very smart.

 

YOu actually have no idea what she is really like. Just because she said she loves you means nothing at all.

 

I think, and I am saying this very kindly, you sound a little immature. It's like a teenaged romance for you.

 

If you inherit her from her poor husband and I pray that you do not, your life could become a horror story.

 

Find a single sober girl and start afresh.

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

 

The new msg that just came in was "I've been thinking about you, hope all is well". Not sure if that's a positive sign, negative or neutral as we come closer to the verdict. Thoughts?

 

She's throwing a little something your way, hoping it's enough to get you back in the affair. That's all she wants you to be.... Her affair partner.

 

She's not leaving her husband for you. It's not even a dilemma for her

[FoundMyStrength]

She's throwing a little something your way, hoping it's enough to get you back in the affair. That's all she wants you to be.... Her affair partner.

 

She's not leaving her husband for you. It's not even a dilemma for her

 

I second this. A month after I told xMM I could no longer be in contact with him, and needed to move on, he sent me a message that was very similar. It's a desperate attempt to keep you connected, to make sure you're not moving on. It may be driven by a genuine impulse (she may care, you moving on may give her the sads. Poor her, and the sads, as she goes about her life, with her husband.). But, ultimately, it's a ploy so that you don't emotionally detach. She wants you to write back that you're thinking of her too. B/c if you're thinking of her, you're not able to move on.

[betweenthesheets]

Thanks for all of the feedback everyone, there's some feedback that was hard to swallow, but I realize I may be following my heart too closely on this one. Thank you all again and I have extraordinary amount of respect and appreciation to this community and all of you who have taken interest in providing me with the guidance and wisdom to avoid getting absolutely crushed by this woman.

 

I have maintained ignoring her messages. Tomorrow evening/Monday is the decision day. I'm prepared for her very likely decision to stay with her husband (I'm going to pre-write my reply in closing the relationship) or if she tries to stalls with words instead of action. I guess like you all know, I do as well, that this has all been about being in love with the affair and not the fairy tale she claimed, I wanted to hold out even for that tiny bit of hope that it could be true because I have felt a true connection and love for this woman, but I know it cant and wont become reality. I know that if I continue with the affair, I will eventually lose more than what I already have internally and morally because of my withering defenses to her sexual advances, desires and empty promises.

 

I will report back on her decision. Please wish me strength as even though I feel confident in ending this and will project strength of closing this relationship to her, inside, I'm cracking, fumbling and constantly self doubting and having major fears that I may regret ending the affair, even though I know it's the right move for everyone involved, It's taking every bit of discipline and resilience that I have in staying strong with NC. I've learned a lot of things about myself from this experience, both good and bad, and no matter what the outcome is it will help me grow and hopefully find true happiness in the future.

 

I sincerely thank you all again for your time in providing advice.

[Poppy47]

I have been like you. I hung on for years, believing that he was the exception.

 

I truly believed that he actually loved me and accepted that he could not leave his wife of 50 years.

 

He actually loved himself and was far too cowardly to do anything except be a classic cake eater.

 

It has taken a long time for all this to become evident to me. I am an intelligent successful professional woman in the real world. I was newly widowed when xMM arrived in my life and in a very fragile emotional state.

 

I am please the community here has reached out and helped you. Obviously you have the potential to turn your experiences around and use them to your advantage. You should never forget this one.

 

Thinking of you,

Poppy