My Story With a MW (long post)

[BuddyX]

"I'll regret ending this affair" said no one ever, in the long run.

[Poppy47]

"I'll regret ending this affair" said no one ever, in the long run.

Buddy,

 

I agree thousand times.

 

Poppy.

[personalhero]

Hi, Betweenthesheet,

 

I am a married woman having an affair with a single man, I'll state some of my thoughts and feeling about my own affair. Hopefully it can be a bit help.

 

 

So my single man is just like you, no baggage, no kids, having a fine job, (Make much less money than my husband though, my husband is a professional and this is the main reason I will NOT leave him, brutal and creep truth, I know.)

 

I am just trying to be very honest and talking 100% open. You might feel hurt somehow but you need to see the whole thing clearly enough to set yourself free.

 

With that being said, my single man is willing to commit to me, actually he has already committed to me, he wants a family with me, he wants a lot of kids,he said he will work hard to support my life. We are still in the early stage, 4-5 months, but yeah, 3 months is the time for the woman or the man in an affair decide whether or not they will leave their spouse, quite frankly, I NEVER had thought about leaving my husband. Because he gives me a very nice life, (sometimes, well most of the time, I feel like I'm a bitch.) I've been married for 7 years, I don't know if I still love my husband ?, I sometimes hate him, like really can't stand him, however, I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Money is one thing, but another thing is the marriage itself, I know it clearly that no marriage is perfect, nobody is perfect, and it's been 7 years, I do not want to kill it all and start to learn another man just because of the passion/excitement that the affair gives me. I know it clearly, that I need no more than just passion. Well, here, don't get me wrong, passion doesn't mean just sex. Let me explain more in the next paragraph:

 

Sure there was passion in my marriage when me and my husband newly wed. We had a lot of passion and excite moments, all good things. Vacations, Families, I'd admit that with an affair partner, you would never really "have" these thing IN LIGHT. So my point is, all the passion/excitements I have now with my single man, I truly love it, I feel like alive again. I'm in my early 30's, my single man is the same age, he is always in my mind, every day, every second, I cannot function on many things because I always think about him. I tell him "I love you" and this is genuine, I don't just say it because I know he wants to hear it. But again, this "Love" cannot compare the "Love" I have with my husband.

 

My husband sucks, in my opinion, he is selfish. I can complain about him all day. But yet, him and I have gone through a lot during our life. It's just not worth it to give it all up because of the single man. This is just not in my thoughts. Oh, we have a 4 year old child, so this is another bond we have.

 

Your married woman does not have kids, so I would say, if she is saying she would leave him, she is lying to you. She's manipulative. I told my single man I love him, but I never mention I would leave my husband. He did tell me to leave him, and he would treat me well, he's desperate for a family, which gives me an idea that his whole focus is not me, it's a family. He did say that he wants a family with me because he sees how I am with my child through social media photos, he wants the mother of his children just like me. But it doesn't bother me, because I am not going to have a family with him. I do not want to change my life. I do have problems in my marriage, but all marriages suck, I'm sure if I had a marriage/family with this single man, it will still suck. So again, leave my current marriage of 7 years for an unknown new marriage, is just not in my thoughts.

 

I don't know if it's correct to say that I am "using" him as a side dish. I don't feel I am. I have a very strong feeling for him. And if I was single, I'd love to get to know him more and think about getting married with him. But it's not the case. When I'm with him, I cherish every single second. I stare at him just like he will be disappeared the next split second. I try very hard to remember every silly face he makes, every joke he tells me. Just every thing about him. These feelings are genuine, and at the moment we are together, I'm not thinking about anything else, just him. When we make love, I give him all of me, he's like little big boy to me, he's more traditional in the bedroom, we make love in his car sometimes, he often tells me that when we are together, it feels too good to be true. Which is exactly what I feel as well. But again, afterwards, when I go back to my family, I realize that all these feelings will die if me and the single man were married or have a family together. It's truly amazing feeling. However, it is not life. I cannot live with it.

 

I wish he also has this clear mind and be more realistic.

 

I don't know how he feels, at least, I don't know his deep thoughts like what you (OP) has stated in your post. He doesn't express much about his feelings for me. But I know he's lonely during the nights, he sends me messages every night, he's always just being home doing nothing. He always wishes I could be there. It makes me feel sad. But I never want to get away from home at night just to meet him. No, it's too risky, so I often do not reply to his messages. I don't want to lie to him, I don't want to give him empty promises. But seems like he's totally hooked up.

 

I'm actually getting worried that it's gonna hurt him if not yet. Genuinely, I want to end this affair so that he can find a single girl to start a family. However, in my mind, he is mine. I don't want to lose all the good feelings we have.

 

I know, it's greasy, creepy, selfish. I do not like it when I think it clearly.

 

Well, hopefully my not so well organized post will give you something, OP.

You can ask me any questions if you want. And good luck. Think more about yourself, think your own future, one future not with her. Cause there is no future with her.

[BluesPower]

personalhero and OP...

 

PH, girl you are just the worst of the worst. Not a judgment just a fact. And I get to say that because until recently I was worse than you, buy a long way.

 

I have in fact lost my "worst of the worst" moniker to the likes of you and a few other recent cheaters. The new thing for me is that I am really starting to live an authentic life, unlike you.

 

Even with the honesty of your post, which was great, you are still lying to yourself. I get that, we have all done it.

 

But let me tell you some things that will happen at some point. First, your husband is not stupid. Sooner or later, he will find out. And as a man with money he will not be so stupid as to not realize that he can do so much better than you.

 

Even is he is a weak beta boy, you will have to humble yourself and beg him back with daily BJ's and who knows what. Even as cold and calculating as you are, it will suck (pun intended) and you will have to fore go your boy toy for at least a while.

 

Now for boy toy, you know that he loves you, and you know that you will hurt him in the long run. Further, girl you are stealing someone else's life. The years that he may spend screwing and loving your will be wasted when this affair ends. You are going to hurt him way more than you realize at this point.

 

So lets talk about hurting people. You are going to destroy your husband when he finds out. You are going to really hurt your child, no matter how old she is. You know that you really don't love your husband, you just love his money. If he is weak enough to take you back you realize that he will just be your little Cuck that you keep at home and let take care of you. Is that the kind of man that you actually want to be with? Maybe it is.

 

I know a few things about hurting women, it used to not bother me, but even I got a conscious after a while. When/if you get that conscious you need to be ready for the pain that you will feel. If you don't care about anyone else, at least care about the pain you will feel. Because let me tell you, it is a real hard type of pain to know that you have caused so much pain in other people because of your selfishness.

 

Why not get hubby to be a real cuck so you can just screw whoever you want. He may like it, and you could live an authentic life and not be the C*** that you are being now.

 

So now for OP. Your first problem is you are not confident about yourself. You probably don't understand how attractive you are and what type of women that you could get if you had a pair. You need to get over that yesterday.

 

Your second problem is that you are unable to separate sex and love. Unusual for a man, especially for a younger guy. You are a real tender heart and you have no business playing around with a woman like this.

 

Odds are that she will chew you up and spit you out. While I applaud your morality, such that it is, I am asking why? But I understand that you feel like you are trying to do the right thing and I guess that is a good thing overall. And as you get older, you need to learn to avoid the "Man eaters". You need to learn to spot them and avoid them. Or spot them and bang them and dump them.

 

So you have to do a couple of things.

 

1) Wake of and stop being a puss. Understand your value to the female population and start having some fun and dump this woman who is out of your league. There are a lot of women out that that would want to be with you if you had the confidence to go get them.

 

2) Lose your "Love" feelings and just bang her brains out. Why you have not done that already is just a mystery to me.

 

You have to understand that she does not love you and you need to stop loving her. If you can do that, you can have some great sex for a while until she grows tired of you and dumps you. At the same time you should start dating some nice girls that would actually want to start a "REAL" life with you.

 

If you keep letting yourself feel love for her you are going to get your heart torn out. She is way beyond you in terms of her ability to emotionally manipulate you and her husband. She will not leave him. And, if she does not start banging you she will bang someone else.

 

OP, time to man up and make a decision....

 

So start banging her and having fun or dump her and start dating some real girls that you can have a real relationship with...

[sandylee1]

PH,

 

It's great to hear your feelings on the affair. Honest and true feelings. Hopefully the OP will realise his MW is much the same as you and move on from her.

 

I really don't think you're any worse than others in an affair, I don't know why Blues responded in that way to you TBH.

 

You're using your OM for sex, and passion and the feel good factor. That's what MM do day in day out. They have no intention of leaving their wives, either due to only wanting fun on the side, due to the finances like yourself or because of children.

 

When your OM talks about children and a family with you, do you set him straight that you'll never leave your husband for him? Because if you do so and he chooses to stick around, then it's on him. Much the same as the single OWs who are clearly told from the beginning that he's not leaving.

 

The undeniable fact is that if you get involved with a married person you're allowing yourself to be used, while they get the best of both worlds.

 

The single person in an affair, always gets a raw deal.

[BluesPower]

Sandy I will tell you the difference, when I was a cheater I footed the bill for the entire house hold.

 

I busted my butt making a living for a woman that never loved me.

 

No what she is doing in not worse that I have done, except for that fact.

 

Also, we all know her boy toy is going to get hurt. I have done that as well.

 

Finally, I realized how wrong I was for doing that to women. It is no better what women do to men. When you toy with people, those people get hurt.

 

That is just wrong no matter how you cut it...

[personalhero]

PH,

 

 

When your OM talks about children and a family with you, do you set him straight that you'll never leave your husband for him? Because if you do so and he chooses to stick around, then it's on him. Much the same as the single OWs who are clearly told from the beginning that he's not leaving.

 

The undeniable fact is that if you get involved with a married person you're allowing yourself to be used, while they get the best of both worlds.

 

The single person in an affair, always gets a raw deal.

 

Hi Sandy,

 

Yes I do. I told him clearly "I'm married and not going to get divorced for anyone, you and I cannot have a family." His response was like "Someday". Like I said, he doesn't express much of his deep feelings about me much, thus, I don't want to go to details, don't want to him to hear words like "Passion" "Excitement" "It's not life". etc..

 

I don't mind anybody judge me on this website, I'm not trying to be a perfect person, my affair happened, and it happens when it happens...I don't have anything else to say, and I'm just enjoying the good parts and trying to not to hurt him too much by giving him empty promises. Of course I worry about the aftermath, but I guess I just don't have a strong mind to control my actions.

 

Things happen..

 

After all, after being told that I won't be going to have a family with him, he still sticks with me, it's his own choice. If he chose to leave me, I won't sugarcoat my situation and try to drag him back. So it's not me stealing his years. That's not the point. He has a lot of fun with me too.

Edited January 22, 2017 by personalhero

[Poppy47]

Hi Sandy,

 

Yes I do. I told him clearly "I'm married and not going to get divorced for anyone, you and I cannot have a family." His response was like "Someday". Like I said, he doesn't express much of his deep feelings about me much, thus, I don't want to go to details, don't want to him to hear words like "Passion" "Excitement" "It's not life". etc..

 

I don't mind anybody judge me on this website, I'm not trying to be a perfect person, my affair happened, and it happens when it happens...I don't have anything else to say, and I'm just enjoying the good parts and trying to not to hurt him too much by giving him empty promises. Of course I worry about the aftermath, but I guess I just don't have a strong mind to control my actions.

 

Things happen..

 

After all, after being told that I won't be going to have a family with him, he still sticks with me, it's his own choice. If he chose to leave me, I won't sugarcoat my situation and try to drag him back. So it's not me stealing his years. That's not the point. He has a lot of fun with me too.

 

Just by remaining in the A you are giving this man hope. I think you should get some backbone growing there and be the one to walk away from him.

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

Hi Sandy,

 

Yes I do. I told him clearly "I'm married and not going to get divorced for anyone, you and I cannot have a family."

 

I just don't understand why OM/OW stay in the affair, knowing this. I think some hope the MW /MM will fall in love with them over time. Or they think a little bit of you is better than nothing. It's very sad that they don't value themselves more than being an 'other'.

 

don't want to him to hear words like "Passion" "Excitement" "It's not life". etc..

 

I get you. This would be very to the point and hurtful. I guess most 'others' would realise they were being used if the MM/MW was this direct and leave the affair, which isn't what the MW/MM wants.

.

 

It is his choice to stay you're right.

 

If he's not sensible enough to stop wasting his time with another man's wife, then it's on him.

[betweenthesheets]

The one very big difference between my case and PH, is that she has claimed that she wanted to leave her husband very early on, actually, before the affair even started. She has made attempts to leave him for me, but obviously never being able to actually leave him due to the fear of it hurting him (which he completely throws in her face when shes brought it up).

 

Anyhow, I'm still waiting on the verdict, either she leaves him or I'm gone. This hurts me a ton, I want her deeply, but I know its the right thing to do. This is really going to suck.

[sandylee1]

Sandy I will tell you the difference, when I was a cheater I footed the bill for the entire house hold.

 

I busted my butt making a living for a woman that never loved me.

 

No what she is doing in not worse that I have done, except for that fact.

 

Also, we all know her boy toy is going to get hurt. I have done that as well.

 

Finally, I realized how wrong I was for doing that to women. It is no better what women do to men. When you toy with people, those people get hurt.

 

That is just wrong no matter how you cut it...

 

Being the breadwinner and supporting the household doesn't entitle a person to cheat Blues.

 

And you've realised it was wrong after so long, maybe PH will get there too one day. Who knows.

 

Now you know I don't support affairs, but if an OW or OM hangs around, even after being told MM/MW is not leaving their spouse, they have to take responsibility for their own pain. It's unfair to lay all the blame at the feet of the married person.

 

I do hope the OP realises that this MW is only interested in him as a part time lover. She said she thought nobody would want her after when she separated from her H.... given the way she pursued the OP relentlessly, I'm having a hard time believing that's true.

 

It's clear she's out to have a secondary relationship and no more.

 

Women, especially women with children aren't going to leave a man who is a good provider and gives her a good lifestyle. That's certainly not a suprise.

 

Also, like men and maybe even moreso, they like the status of being married. Being Mrs....xx., having a nice house, nice car, lovely vacations etc. It doesn't make sense to give that up, when there's actually nothing particularly wrong with the marriage.

[personalhero]

Being the breadwinner and supporting the household doesn't entitle a person to cheat Blues.

 

And you've realised it was wrong after so long, maybe PH will get there too one day. Who knows.

 

Now you know I don't support affairs, but if an OW or OM hangs around, even after being told MM/MW is not leaving their spouse, they have to take responsibility for their own pain. It's unfair to lay all the blame at the feet of the married person.

 

I do hope the OP realises that this MW is only interested in him as a part time lover. She said she thought nobody would want her after when she separated from her H.... given the way she pursued the OP relentlessly, I'm having a hard time believing that's true.

 

It's clear she's out to have a secondary relationship and no more.

 

Women, especially women with children aren't going to leave a man who is a good provider and gives her a good lifestyle. That's certainly not a suprise.

 

Also, like men and maybe even moreso, they like the status of being married. Being Mrs....xx., having a nice house, nice car, lovely vacations etc. It doesn't make sense to give that up, when there's actually nothing particularly wrong with the marriage.

 

Sandy, you totally nailed it.

I don't support affairs myself either. That's why I said I don't like myself when I think clearly. I know what is wrong and what is right.

I think the main thing is I (most of us) don't know how to be happy on our own.

We think having somebody else to fill the part which is missing in our marriage is Happy. And we do actually feel happy, no matter if it's real happiness or not, you feel the excited moment, you feel the heart beating, you love and want more of that kiss and hug... They are so fake, but they do give us that good feeling.

I think that's why therapy is useful sometimes.

We are lost souls, that's it all about. At least in my own case.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Thanks for all of the feedback everyone, there's some feedback that was hard to swallow, but I realize I may be following my heart too closely on this one. Thank you all again and I have extraordinary amount of respect and appreciation to this community and all of you who have taken interest in providing me with the guidance and wisdom to avoid getting absolutely crushed by this woman.

 

I have maintained ignoring her messages. Tomorrow evening/Monday is the decision day. I'm prepared for her very likely decision to stay with her husband (I'm going to pre-write my reply in closing the relationship) or if she tries to stalls with words instead of action. I guess like you all know, I do as well, that this has all been about being in love with the affair and not the fairy tale she claimed, I wanted to hold out even for that tiny bit of hope that it could be true because I have felt a true connection and love for this woman, but I know it cant and wont become reality. I know that if I continue with the affair, I will eventually lose more than what I already have internally and morally because of my withering defenses to her sexual advances, desires and empty promises.

 

I will report back on her decision. Please wish me strength as even though I feel confident in ending this and will project strength of closing this relationship to her, inside, I'm cracking, fumbling and constantly self doubting and having major fears that I may regret ending the affair, even though I know it's the right move for everyone involved, It's taking every bit of discipline and resilience that I have in staying strong with NC. I've learned a lot of things about myself from this experience, both good and bad, and no matter what the outcome is it will help me grow and hopefully find true happiness in the future.

 

I sincerely thank you all again for your time in providing advice.

 

Here's a thought that I hope will give you strength: That feeling of "cracking, fumbling and constantly self doubting and having major fears that I may regret..." Imagine feeling that for months or even years. It will continue as long as you let it. You can be decisive and take control of the situation now by demanding the respect you deserve by holding true to yourself and what is best for you. If she loves you the way she claims, she will also respect you. She will reciprocate what you need. If she loves you more than him, she will decide to end things with him so you both can have a relationship with integrity. One thing I'm quite clear about (in hindsight) is that the happiness that I brought to xMM's life only ENABLED him to stay in his marriage (if there even was any hope that he'd ever leave). That's because I was his "happiness crutch" that he could escape to whenever he wanted to avoid his real life and marriage. (He did say to me at 10 months into our A that I was the only thing that made him happy anymore. He also said he would "not change his life" even 2 months after that.) If you take that crutch away from a cheating spouse, then they MIGHT be forced to deal with the real issues in front of them instead of escaping to the A (but more probably will continue same behavior possibly with another AP). Don't be used as a crutch. She will prove her sincerity with action if she is sincere. Cheapest thing in all the world? Talk with no walk.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

"I'll regret ending this affair" said no one ever, in the long run.

 

LOL!!! So, so true! (esp as OW/OM)

[betweenthesheets]

Thank you Hadmeover, I've found your advice and wisdom to be highly inspiration and reinforcing of how I deeply feel. Thank you whole heartily for everything.

 

Update: She's been unblocked for more than 2 hours, still no word from her, as she knew I would be unblocking this evening for her decision if she would be leaving him or not.

 

I'll continue to update as new developments happen.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hi, Betweenthesheet,

 

I am a married woman having an affair with a single man, ...I know, it's greasy, creepy, selfish. I do not like it when I think it clearly.

 

Well, hopefully my not so well organized post will give you something, OP.

You can ask me any questions if you want. And good luck. Think more about yourself, think your own future, one future not with her. Cause there is no future with her.

 

I, for one, very much appreciate your honesty.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I apologize, what is IC? (I've looked up the abbreviations on the site but couldn't find a page that covers everything.)

 

Thanks Heads, I did actually read two of your threads earlier this evening, it was interesting because I felt like we had somewhat similar experiences in being approached and chasing someone married that we would never have done so if we didnt have our defenses down. Just out of curiosity Heads, what state are you located in? You dont have to respond to that if you're uncomfortable in doing so, I just couldn't help to wonder.

 

As far as my MW goes, I dont think its fair for me to judge her, I like to drink (responsibility) as well, to judge her and hold it against her seems like it would be hypocritical and unfair considering the situation that she's in. I know it sounds like I am enabling or making excuses for her, but I dont think its to the point to where its a deal breaker.

 

I'm in the state of almost recovered from my A...lol! Just kidding. I live in the state famous for alligators and Disney. More seriously, cool that you see some parallels. Sorry to have come off as judgmental on the alcoholism, but I have seen how destructive it can be to alcoholics and everyone around them! Also, my opinion is when an adult blames his/her behavior on being drunk (unless they are joking), either 1) they are too immature to accept responsibility for their own actions, or 2) they seriously have a drinking problem that he/she cannot control. This is very different from someone who enjoys the occasional, and responsible, libation.

[betweenthesheets]

I'm in the state of almost recovered from my A...lol! Just kidding. I live in the state famous for alligators and Disney. More seriously, cool that you see some parallels. Sorry to have come off as judgmental on the alcoholism, but I have seen how destructive it can be to alcoholics and everyone around them! Also, my opinion is when an adult blames his/her behavior on being drunk (unless they are joking), either 1) they are too immature to accept responsibility for their own actions, or 2) they seriously have a drinking problem that he/she cannot control. This is very different from someone who enjoys the occasional, and responsible, libation.

 

 

Awesome! You forgot about being famous for crazy people who make headlines for doing crazy things. I also live in the Sunshine State (NCFL).

 

That's good, I asked for your opinion, so being judgmental is required for that.

 

I do agree with you on the dangers and risks associated with Alcoholism, I just dont think that's the case in this situation. Like myself, she's still able to maintain a full time career while attending night school. I really do think Alcohol gets consumed when she's attempting to confront the facts of her being unhappy in her marriage.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I do agree with you on the dangers and risks associated with Alcoholism, I just dont think that's the case in this situation. Like myself, she's still able to maintain a full time career while attending night school. I really do think Alcohol gets consumed when she's attempting to confront the facts of her being unhappy in her marriage.

 

My dear, this is what clinicians call a "functioning alcoholic." Teasing, but the frequency has my eyebrows raised.

 

Hmm, I'm in the SE. Are you near Jax or panhndl?

Edited January 23, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel

[betweenthesheets]

My dear, this is what clinicians call a "functioning alcoholic."

 

Hmm, I'm in the SE. Are you near Jax or panhndl?

 

This is true.

 

I'm SW of Jacksonville and NW of Orlando.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

This is true.

 

I'm SW of Jacksonville and NW of Orlando.

 

Also, my first thought when you said crazy ppl/crazy headlines...California? LOL! You're right though come to think of it.

 

Hmm, [looking at Google map] are you a little bit country? Went to UF? Actually, don't answer about UF for the sake of your privacy. Oh man, now I'm thinking also possible UNF (Jax), UCF, curiosity peaked.

[betweenthesheets]

Haha, I'm not a student at any of those schools, but I live very close to one of the three that you mentioned.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Haha, I'm not a student at any of those schools, but I live very close to one of the three that you mentioned.

 

Mmm, the mystery continues. How delicious! haha! Maybe my comment is a little inappropriate considering the nature of this thread, but on the other hand...I'm single, you're single. No harm, right? Adios unavailable, cheating married people! (Meanwhile, cheesy movie plot comes to mind.) See how much fun this is? Give yourself some time. She will/she won't--either way, your happy ending begins with you!

 

Btw, I think I figured which school...later Gator! hahaha

[betweenthesheets]

Haha! Well, wouldn't this make for an exciting commercial for loveshack? I wonder what the others here are thinking about right now? "Just when I thought I've read it all in this site" ?

 

Anyhow, someone here did say I should start dating immediately maybe that's good advice and I think considering my MW has refused to give me an answer at this point, it's safe to say it's time for me to forget her move on to someone who's available.

 

So what the hell? I'll create a new email address tomorrow and will post it here if you to email with your info so we can learn more about each other.. or for this to become more mysterious.... Hmmmm indeed!

 

And Go Gators !

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Haha! Well, wouldn't this make for an exciting commercial for loveshack? I wonder what the others here are thinking about right now? "Just when I thought I've read it all in this site" ?

 

Anyhow, someone here did say I should start dating immediately maybe that's good advice and I think considering my MW has refused to give me an answer at this point, it's safe to say it's time for me to forget her move on to someone who's available.

 

So what the hell? I'll create a new email address tomorrow and will post it here if you to email with your info so we can learn more about each other.. or for this to become more mysterious.... Hmmmm indeed!

 

And Go Gators !

 

LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Cool. Good night.