StreetLight Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 So ive always been unfaithful through out my life, i been married for 10+ years and ive cheated and before i knew it i was in a full blown affair. Im sure ive hurt enough people on my way and ended up getting hurt myself out of the affair. So the story is that i thought cheating was all fun and games and then fell for another woman, fell in love and it got harder to live both lives because your heart cannot be in 2 places.. you may love both of them but you can only be in love with your wife or your affair. I was in love with my affair so i thought anyway... could of been the lust the sex and excitment.. long story short everything is out in the open now my wife knows about my cheating ways but only thing she doesnt know about is the affair. Ive disclosed it all i wasnt caught ive offered to tell more but she doesnt want to hear it and wants to work it out. Which id love to do because i have a great life aside from my problems that i create myself. The problem is im not over the affair i miss her all the time even though i know its not the right choice because of many reason, ive tried getting professional help nothing seems to work , ive been told that its not real love that it will fade etc etc. The choice is easy but it seems very very hard at the same time 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 The easiest way to burst that bubble is to be completely open with your wife and let her make the decision. Once the control is out of your hands, decisions will be made for you. Why aren't you with the other woman if she's got such a hold on you? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StreetLight Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Well because i dont see a future with her i know im being selfish i have 3 kids and also i think id regret later on if not right away. Sometimes we want things more because we cant fully have them... our mind makes the fantasy larger than the reality can ever be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Yeah , burst the bubble and it will be clear as sky ! Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Well because i dont see a future with her i know im being selfish i have 3 kids and also i think id regret later on if not right away. Sometimes we want things more because we cant fully have them... our mind makes the fantasy larger than the reality can ever be. Being a self aware monster only makes you appear more of a monster! PLEASE read around this forum. You are destroying the woman that you claim to love. Do you have empathy? You can't possibly!! You seem to know what you're doing & why. Is this the side of your character you really want to indulge? Is this the kind of man you want to be? This is either who you are or you are broken & need to do a LOT of work to fix yourself. If this is TRULY who you are you should divorce. Your wife & children will be far better off with another man. The pain you bring to your family overshadows all. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Well because i dont see a future with her i know im being selfish i have 3 kids and also i think id regret later on if not right away. Sometimes we want things more because we cant fully have them... our mind makes the fantasy larger than the reality can ever be. I grew up around men like you...you probably do love your AP but you're not going to give up your family bc of the kids & you probably bc deep down you don't think your wife deserves & or wants a divorce. AP probably would never allow you to get away with, what you have with your W & you can trust your W, why leave that? So you told about everything else to see if your W would pull the plug on the marriage but without giving up your actual AP bc of you did divorce you don't want anyone to know who she is, so there'd be no problem being with her in the future...you're deviously smart, I give you that. What advice are you looking for? You're going to keep doing it or you would have actually talked about the OW you love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StreetLight Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Not sure what advice im looking for maybe hoping that someone else has been through this will shed some light because right now it feels like im doomed either way but ive been told by professionals that it does get better. Also im working on NOT being a cheater.. its easy to say ill stop or ill fix myself its harder than one thinks. I dont think its who i am i think its a deeper problem 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Not sure what advice im looking for maybe hoping that someone else has been through this will shed some light because right now it feels like im doomed either way but ive been told by professionals that it does get better. Also im working on NOT being a cheater.. its easy to say ill stop or ill fix myself its harder than one thinks. I dont think its who i am i think its a deeper problem It is a deeper problem & one that never goes away fully, not if you're a serial cheater...you'll be able to control if you continue to work on it but that temptation will always be there...it's like any other deep rooted addiction. I'm curious bc I've seen this god only knows how many times...did you marry your wife bc it was the "next step" in life & she was a good girl or was it bc you fell head over heals? The answer to that question, would make it easier to give advice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Do you have kids? If so, use them as the motivator to stay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StreetLight Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 I dont know how it feels to be head over heels over anyone.. not that i know of but it was cause yes i thought it was time n loved her and i thought that the cheating would stop after marriage , when your young you dont full understand the issue until later on 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I dont know how it feels to be head over heels over anyone.. not that i know of but it was cause yes i thought it was time n loved her and i thought that the cheating would stop after marriage , when your young you dont full understand the issue until later on I honestly figured that was your answer, bc that's pretty much the same answer I e heard from the men in my family. All serial cheaters & not one really married for actual love, love their wives the best way they can love. It's probably the reason you're so about AP. You're just going to have to really throw yourself into IC even more so than MC bc the relationship isn't your problem, what ever is going on inside of you is your problem. You can't stop fix a problem until you know what it actually is...once you understand what's really going on with you, you're not going to be any good for your W & yourself. Took my father YEARS to figure himself out & he also got into church & reads the Bible every day, between that & going to therapy with the priest, is when he finally stopped...if you give your 100% effort into changing, you will. Good luck bc it's going to be a rough road, self reflection always is! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StreetLight Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 I honestly figured that was your answer, bc that's pretty much the same answer I e heard from the men in my family. All serial cheaters & not one really married for actual love, love their wives the best way they can love. It's probably the reason you're so about AP. You're just going to have to really throw yourself into IC even more so than MC bc the relationship isn't your problem, what ever is going on inside of you is your problem. You can't stop fix a problem until you know what it actually is...once you understand what's really going on with you, you're not going to be any good for your W & yourself. Took my father YEARS to figure himself out & he also got into church & reads the Bible every day, between that & going to therapy with the priest, is when he finally stopped...if you give your 100% effort into changing, you will. Good luck bc it's going to be a rough road, self reflection always is! Thanks for taking the time not just you but everyone else.. im new to this site .. is their no PM's on here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Thanks for taking the time not just you but everyone else.. im new to this site .. is their no PM's on here? Yes, there is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 It is a deeper problem & one that never goes away fully, not if you're a serial cheater...you'll be able to control if you continue to work on it but that temptation will always be there...it's like any other deep rooted addiction. I'm curious bc I've seen this god only knows how many times...did you marry your wife bc it was the "next step" in life & she was a good girl or was it bc you fell head over heals? The answer to that question, would make it easier to give advice. I think this is key, that there is a much deeper root cause for why you continually cheat on the people you supposedly love and care about. I'm curious OP, you say you've sought 'professional' help for your cheating, what is their diagnosis of the deeper issue(s) that causes you to stray outside your relationships? You can't fix what you don't realize is broken. White knuckling your way out of an affair, although may seem admirable on the surface isn't doing much good to your wife and kids if your mind and heart and penis is still aching for someone else, anyone else :/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Thanks for taking the time not just you but everyone else.. im new to this site .. is their no PM's on here? You have to be an established member before you're able to PM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 You need to find out what love is OP, because until now you have no idea. I mean that quite literally. Work on this in therapy if you can. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StreetLight Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Ive been told that its an issues from my childhood, so im acting out for attention in the wrong way.. getting " control " or " power " that i never had as a child... Its more complicated when you really look into the details , its like your escaping any situation you're in to another one a " better " one but in reality its not better.. its self sabotaging to the point where you dont like pain but seem to enjoy it in a weird way. Even though you like happiness but when lifes flowing nicely in comes the other " you" to create havoc. So basically when life gets normal in comes depression n only the thing to lift it out of that is doing what I've mentioned. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Ive been told that its an issues from my childhood, so im acting out for attention in the wrong way.. getting " control " or " power " that i never had as a child... Its more complicated when you really look into the details , its like your escaping any situation you're in to another one a " better " one but in reality its not better.. its self sabotaging to the point where you dont like pain but seem to enjoy it in a weird way. Even though you like happiness but when lifes flowing nicely in comes the other " you" to create havoc. So basically when life gets normal in comes depression n only the thing to lift it out of that is doing what I've mentioned. The best thing (& I know it sounds cliche) is to take it one day at a time. You just worry about the day you're in, not the future. You wake up & you make a conscious choice to not make the wrong in that particular day. You do this day after day & it starts to become a habit...though to do this, you're going to have to break all contact with the OW...block her, don't look her up & as time goes by it will become easier to do & the "hold" does go away, the temptation maybe not but if you don't fan a flame it will eventually go out. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I didn't reply at first because you triggered me so badly and my reaction would have been extreme and unhelpful. however I have read your responses on here and have been impressed with your honesty and self knowledge. my advice fwiw is to cut off OW completely, carry on with your IC, and think about what your wife's reaction would be if you told her the full truth, think about it, feel it, learn compassion and empathy? ask yourself what your wife has done to deserve this. and then ask yourself some questions about the sort of person who participates in creating this hurt (you and your OW). get this all straight in your head and the make the decision about whether you make a full confession to your wife and have a decent marriage, or whether you leave and let her live a good life without a damaged man to continue to hurt her. good luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 Well because i dont see a future with her What is the status of your affair? Are you completely NC with your AP? Did you break it off or did she? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 (edited) Your actions could very easily be that of a woman who is a victim of servere CSA who has never healed. Seeks and gets a good husband, over time -in her mind and emotions only- morphed into the absuer. The husband gives up and files, WW does 180 and convinces husband to try. Husband agrees cycle repeats. The OM in every case is scum and abuses her. Yet she stays in the cycle. (it seens boys who are abused and do not heal often become violent.) You, you detach from a loving wife before she dumps you. Even if you marry MOW you will repeat this cycle. Part of the reason you cannot stop is you are so emotional self centered you cannot really feel the pain you are causing. Click on shatterlady name and read her posts. Her posts are painfully honest and well written. Her pain jumps of the page. She is your wife in the pain she has. How many times in are life we do not do something because we know that pain and will not inflicit it on others? Until you break out of the shell you are in and feel others pain nothing will change. Edited January 20, 2017 by Jersey born raised 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 By StreetLight Ive been told that its an issues from my childhood, so im acting out for attention in the wrong way.. getting " control " or " power " that i never had as a child... By Blunt You are probably close to 30 years old so “issues with my childhood” is not a good enough excuse. You are a grown up and have three children. There is help for you but it will come down to you doing what is right instead of feeding your selfish interests. Stop looking for excuses and talking then start doing what you know to be right. Get help if that is what it takes. You are harming your children by betraying their mother. Your childen will eventually come to understand that you would choose to please your selfish interests even though you knew it would harm your children. It is time for you to force yourself to grow up, take your consequences and spend the rest of your life proving to your children that they are more important than your baggage and hang ups. If you do not take the right actions then I hope your wife leaves you and finds a man that will put his family first before his own selfish lusts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StreetLight Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 Your actions could very easily be that of a woman who is a victim of servere CSA who has never healed. Seeks and gets a good husband, over time -in her mind and emotions only- morphed into the absuer. The husband gives up and files, WW does 180 and convinces husband to try. Husband agrees cycle repeats. The OM in every case is scum and abuses her. Yet she stays in the cycle. (it seens boys who are abused and do not heal often become violent.) You, you detach from a loving wife before she dumps you. Even if you marry MOW you will repeat this cycle. Part of the reason you cannot stop is you are so emotional self centered you cannot really feel the pain you are causing. Click on shatterlady name and read her posts. Her posts are painfully honest and well written. Her pain jumps of the page. She is your wife in the pain she has. How many times in are life we do not do something because we know that pain and will not inflicit it on others? Until you break out of the shell you are in and feel others pain nothing will change. Im not sure what CSA means.. But you're right sometimes i feel the pain but usually i dont feel the pain i cause to others i really want to. I have moments when im thinking very clear and remorseful but then all of those needs and wants come in and suddenly all morals and everything else goes out the window , your judgement is fogged and clouded where your not thinking straight at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StreetLight Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 By StreetLight Ive been told that its an issues from my childhood, so im acting out for attention in the wrong way.. getting " control " or " power " that i never had as a child... By Blunt You are probably close to 30 years old so “issues with my childhood” is not a good enough excuse. You are a grown up and have three children. There is help for you but it will come down to you doing what is right instead of feeding your selfish interests. Stop looking for excuses and talking then start doing what you know to be right. Get help if that is what it takes. You are harming your children by betraying their mother. Your childen will eventually come to understand that you would choose to please your selfish interests even though you knew it would harm your children. It is time for you to force yourself to grow up, take your consequences and spend the rest of your life proving to your children that they are more important than your baggage and hang ups. If you do not take the right actions then I hope your wife leaves you and finds a man that will put his family first before his own selfish lusts. I agree with you.. what happens is when you're younger at least when i was i was just going through the motions of life not caring about my actions. Being very selfish not knowing your creating habits within your mind and body... you dont know the mess youve caused until you try to stop and clean it up. I'm not making excuses just sharing what ive learnt just like drugs.. cheating,attention seeking,sex, emotional drama,pain etc can all be addictions too Ive made some progress its been slower than id like but its moving along If a person isnt truly happy within they wont be happy anywhere else doesnt matter who they're with and to some it might sound like " well ok snap out of it " sometimes its not that easy . Link to post Share on other sites
Author StreetLight Posted January 20, 2017 Author Share Posted January 20, 2017 What is the status of your affair? Are you completely NC with your AP? Did you break it off or did she? Mr. Lucky We broke off contact, usually doesnt last long but this time it might be. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts