Should I tell him?

[Throw17]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a decade. We were high school sweethearts (we are young). I love him more than anything in the world

 

About 5 years ago I was in a rough place. We were long distance and in college. I had serious depression and self esteem issues, and was taking medication that alteeed my judgement pretty seriously. During this time, we were going through a rough patch. I felt as if he didn't love me anymore and that we would break up. Instead of talking directly to him about how I felt, I turned to someone else... this went on for a year before I completely cut ties with the other person. I never told my bf.

 

Two years later, I discovered he cheated on me (I found out he didn't tell me)and confronted him about it. He said it was a one-time thing, we cried, we got over it.

 

It's been three years since his instance and 5 since the end of mine. We are so strong and better than ever. We live together and have a great life. Marriage is on the table and I can't imagine life without him. However, I feel so guilty about what I did... but I also feel like if I came clean it would be somewhat selfish as it would be a relief for me but cause him great pain. There's a tiny chance he could find out via a weird third party interaction, which I definitely don't want either.

 

I can't decide what to do. I don't want to hurt him, and I can't bear the thought of losing him. I understand we aren't married and we were together during the time where most ppl are trying new things and exploring, but I still feel so guilty. Please help!

[Clay]

I would tell him. You both have a right to know where each other stands before taking the relationship further. You don't have to tell him but then your taking a chance on him learning on his own and if this is after your married and with children you could hurt them in the process as well.

 

I personally think honesty is the only way to go in a relationship.

 

C

[Whoknew30]

Did you have sex with the other guy?

 

When you get into a serious relationship young, before you know yourself & become an actual adult, you're putting yourself in a position to deal with more crap than starting off as adults that have sown their wild oats before they meet their spouse...not justfing but it's understandable.

 

Tell him, sit him down & just say it. You don't want to start off a marriage on deceit bc even though he doesn't know, it's eating at you, which will affect the quality of your relationship. Then, you're going to truly have to forgive yourself for your adolescent mistake. Good luck

[Throw17]

I did. I desparately needed attention, needed to feel I was loved by someone else because I didn't love myself. It was so, so wrong of me and completely my fault.

 

If you were in my bfs place, would you be able to forgive me? Or would it be the wrong move because you could never look at me the same?

[Whoknew30]

I did. I desparately needed attention, needed to feel I was loved by someone else because I didn't love myself. It was so, so wrong of me and completely my fault.

 

If you were in my bfs place, would you be able to forgive me? Or would it be the wrong move because you could never look at me the same?

 

You were young & long distance...you're human. I had an A (I've been with my H since a young teen) our marriage got really bad bc I was really sick. He was young too & kind of emotionally took off (he was physically there) it built up a lot of animosity...& I cheated. Before I actually told him, I used to look at him & all of a sudden start to uncontrollably cry. Even though I was using my A as a exit strategy I still felt uncontrollable guilt. So I told him & then I found out a month later that he was also having an A.

 

We handled our issues by having A...it's now 9 years ago this year & we couldn't be doing better. It taught us to get through things as an actual couple, not individuals. If he did it too, then he should be coming from a more understanding place...what he's going to be upset about is the lying, especially after you caught him & didn't fess up. That part may be harder to forgive but you would need to reiterate that you're telling him bc you love him & you feel true remorse.

[Throw17]

Your post gives me so much hope. I too have done the crying thing. I don't want to tell him but I'm starting to lean towards that being the only solution.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply!

[dichotomy]

You say your BF's affair was a short term thing ? How short term ? How do you think you would have responded to him when you found out if you had not also cheated?

 

You were involved for a year with another man - thats a long damn time. Did your guys "overlap" ? That is did you have sex with both during that year? Like go home on holiday and mess around with BF or BF came up to visit you? Was it a true break - gap of time - between both guys?

 

Any way that you (or you BF) would ever run into this guy you cheated with ? Do your GF's know you cheated ? or family? In other words do you run the chance of your future husband - sitting around with people who know and he does not? Then tell him.

 

However if this guy is long gone - a hidden and secrete blip on the radar - no one knows but you - then keep it to yourself. If it can remain hidden and forgotten - say nothing.

[Throw17]

Not a true break. Terrible. To be honest though, I'm not sure the time I caught him was a one-time thing. When I found out I didn't ask a lot of questions. That still doesn't excuse my behavior though.

 

Yes, a few people know. But they would never say anything. There's no chance of us running into him. I've blocked him on all social media and haven't spoken to him since ending things for good. Ever. When I ended it there was no trying to get back together on either end. Someone recently told me off the bat he has a serious gf and he lives in another state. So yes, a blip now.

 

I'm caught between wanting to come clean and wanting to not hurt him. I feel like coming clean would be selfish almost. I'm really struggling with self hatred.

[Confused9999]

Let the past stay in the past. No good will come of bringing this up.

 

Unless you may run into this guy in the future just let it be.

[oldshirt]

Telling him might help with some if your guilt, but how would it benefit him or benefit the relationship?

 

In other words, are your motives for telling him really about just your benefit?

 

Cheating is a selfish and self-serving act to begin with.

 

If disclosure is simply to help ease your burden and ease your guilt, but not have any benefit to the other party or the relationship - isnt that just more self-service????

 

Tell some good reasons why your disclosure will be a direct benefit to him and then we can discuss it more.

[40somethingGuy]

Your post gives me so much hope. I too have done the crying thing. I don't want to tell him but I'm starting to lean towards that being the only solution.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply!

You know how much many of us wish we were told by the person who had the affair? Its much better to know you came clean rather than got caught or he found out in a way that didn't come from you directly. If he can't handle it then you know where your relationship stands and is not based on a lie.

[dichotomy]

Not a true break. Terrible. To be honest though, I'm not sure the time I caught him was a one-time thing. When I found out I didn't ask a lot of questions. That still doesn't excuse my behavior though.

 

Yes, a few people know. But they would never say anything. There's no chance of us running into him. I've blocked him on all social media and haven't spoken to him since ending things for good. Ever. When I ended it there was no trying to get back together on either end. Someone recently told me off the bat he has a serious gf and he lives in another state. So yes, a blip now.

 

I'm caught between wanting to come clean and wanting to not hurt him. I feel like coming clean would be selfish almost. I'm really struggling with self hatred.

 

The overlap thing hurts. I mean really if you were have sex with the new guy for a year and going home and kissing or have sex with your BF as well ?

 

As a man who was cheated on - and other people new or played stupid with me or had connections (complex story)- it hurt all the more. When it came out - I also asked that she break from all these people. That hurt her - but too bad. I needed a clean new life and marriage.

 

It may be hard to understand but as man- I felt the joke and pity was on me hanging around these people of hers - whew knew it all - and smiled at me like I was some stupid sap who married her.

 

Its like the betrayal continued on through all the people who knew.

 

If your going to marry this man - and their are close people who will be in your future husbands life - you need to fess up. I mean I assume some of the people who know you cheated and overlapped with the guy for a year - might be at your wedding ? If so - Ugh.

 

The biggest problem you will face is that in telling him - it will feel EXACTLY like you cheated on him yesterday. For weeks and months it will all be fresh and new - and the mind movies of you doing this guy will be in his head 24/7. But he did cheat as well so this should lessen the blow and issues.

 

I am sorry.

Edited January 19, 2017 by dichotomy

[wifecheated]

First of all, if you tell him you are just transferring your guilt and pain to him. What is the benefit of that? He will always think it is because of something he did.

 

My advice is two-fold:

 

1. Go to a therapist. Cry. Feel terrible... Do what you need to do to forgive yourself -- but keep your mouth shut. Work out your problems and your feelings with your therapist not your soon to be husband.

 

2. It is terrible to say, but if you tell him -- as a woman -- it will be worse. I can tell you that I will never forgive or forget it with my wife. The thought of another man inside of her and his junk inside of her is much worse to me than a guy who cheats. I just cannot get over it. If you tell him he will never look at you the same and in all likelihood he will not marry you.

 

I know you feel bad but there is nothing in my book that you gain by telling him. I would have rather not known and always suspected. It would have been easier on me. The only reason I can even stay with my wife (4 years after) is because of my great kids. I don't want to file for bankruptcy and I don't want to see them a week here or a weekend there.

 

So if I were you I would work through my guilt and pain with a professional and save your relationship and from causing so much pain to someone else.

 

My two cents.

[Whodatdog]

Im in the "dont tell him" group. If it happened 3 months ago, then yeah, maybe...but 5 years ago? Id let sleeping dogs lie on this one. No good can come of it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Two years later, I discovered he cheated on me (I found out he didn't tell me)and confronted him about it. He said it was a one-time thing, we cried, we got over it.

 

I'm curious why you didn't use the opportunity to come clean?

 

I'm really struggling with self hatred.

 

When you grab a red-hot frying pan, the pain is a signal you're doing the wrong thing. The guilt, remorse and "self-hatred" you've felt serves a similar purpose - on several levels, your brain is trying to tell you deceiving the one you love isn't the right thing to do.

 

Hope you'll listen to the message it's sending you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Throw17]

Im really bad at the quote thing guys--thanks for being patient!

 

Oldshirt, I really can't think of any other reasons to tell him other than it would relieve my guilt (selfish) and it's the right thing to do morally (which at this point I think is sort of subjective). I don't think he would have told me of I hadn't found out and confronted him. So I guess what I'm coming to realize is that telling him would be selfish and hurtful, and that's the last thing I want to do to him.

 

Mr. Lucky, I was in a state of shock, and I was also very scared. I regret not telling him then.

 

Thank you to all who have given advice and insight. I am going to see a therapist. I have some serious issues to work out. It hasn't happened since and it won't again. The guilt, shame and remorse isn't worth it.

[road]

I did. I desparately needed attention, needed to feel I was loved by someone else because I didn't love myself. It was so, so wrong of me and completely my fault.

 

If you were in my bfs place, would you be able to forgive me? Or would it be the wrong move because you could never look at me the same?

 

Usually in general when there is cheating when young, not married, married short term, no kids it is better to end the relationship.

 

 

Worse then you cheating was you going bananas on him when you caught him without confessing you cheated first. That makes it so much harder for him to forgive you now.

[Throw17]

I didn't go bananas...I found out suddenly, was surprised and cried. We recovered pretty quickly. Not telling him then was wrong though.

[road]

Telling him might help with some if your guilt, but how would it benefit him or benefit the relationship?

 

In other words, are your motives for telling him really about just your benefit?

 

Cheating is a selfish and self-serving act to begin with.

 

If disclosure is simply to help ease your burden and ease your guilt, but not have any benefit to the other party or the relationship - isnt that just more self-service????

 

Tell some good reasons why your disclosure will be a direct benefit to him and then we can discuss it more.

 

 

 

So she keeps the truth hidden marries him then he finds out, mortgage, kids, and the BH can't handle the truth. Now house goes to foreclosure, credit rating ruined, kids have a broken family. This is too much too lose because she did not want to tell the truth before they get married.

 

 

Life has consequences. She is trying to avoid hers.

[road]

I didn't go bananas...I found out suddenly, was surprised and cried. We recovered pretty quickly. Not telling him then was wrong though.

 

Argue the point of the writing not the adjectives used.

[Blueskies66]

Do not tell him. It's over. I absolve you of your sins. You are now free of them. Guilt be gone and leave this girl in peace!!

[KatieLaw]

I'm not sure. My husband was at a conference and spent a wild night bar-hopping, heavy petting, and dirty dancing with a woman. He let it slip out 91/2 years later, then lied and TT'd me. I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

 

I wish he'd either told me right away or shut up about it. Maybe you should consider being tested for STDs and go from there.

[Bryanp]

Either you have a relationship built on honesty and respect or you don't. The choice is yours. Most people would prefer to have too much information than not enough. Good luck.

[sandylee1]

My biggest concern would be if there's a chance someone could tell him. You say a few people knew? Weren't you worried they could have told him back then?

 

My fear if I were you, is you guys getting engaged... Friends and family get told... Then one of those people who knew decide to send him a message, saying anonymously saying that I "Did you know your fiancée cheated on you with xx on 20xx." Then gives other specifics, that make it impossible to deny.

 

My view is that marriage should be built on honesty. I'd probably find it easier to confess, because he had an affair and should be more understanding. If he isn't understanding, then I'd find that exceedingly hypocritical and too much of a double standard to want to stay with him anyway.

 

Far better to come clean than have him find out from someone else.

 

Telling out of guilt isn't a bad thing IMO, because it shows you feel bad for what you did.

[goodyblue]

There is no point in telling him now. Where was the guilt five years ago? If you think he can handle it then tell him but plan on your relationship never, ever being the same, and no, it won't change for the better.

 

Good luck no matter what you decide.