Should I tell him?

[Jersey born raised]

Truth is you have no good choices. The question is which will cause the greater damage. Don't revel, live with a life in fear and guilt. The guilt may/subside the fear will not. The question then is will you ever completely attach to your husband or hold a little something of your self back? If/when he notices at some point he will try to bridge the gap and discover the truth.

 

If you read a few threads you will notice some WW acting out (completely out of the husbands experience of her) due to FOO and CSA issues. Things her husband of sometimes 15 to 20 years never knew.

 

So in bridging the gap the affair (affair not adultery) comes out and a whole new slew of question that otherwise would never had been arisen. Start with the hypocrisy of you knowing and him not. (I mention you not attaching, the fear might lead you to seeking other relationships)

 

Finally you both have proven capable of betraying a primary relationship. Protect yourself from yourself. Read "Not Just Friends" "divorce busters" and "His Needs Her Needs", and "how to affair proof your marriage" to start.

 

Be well.

[Try]

Yes, a few people know. But they would never say anything. There's no chance of us running into him. I've blocked him on all social media and haven't spoken to him since ending things for good. Ever. When I ended it there was no trying to get back together on either end. Someone recently told me off the bat he has a serious gf and he lives in another state.

If "a few people know" with someone recently telling your right "off the bat he has a serious gf and he lives in another state", forget the "they would never say anything" and thinking that your BF will for sure never find out. These other people still know and think of telling you off the bat about the guy that you cheated with. You cheated for a whole year. I am not saying that he will for sure find out. I am saying that there is a good chance that he will eventually find you. If he finds out on his own, your relationship would probably end. He would never be able to trust that he knows the whole story, because he would not be able to trust a word that you said. If you tell him on your own when you did not have to, he will at least trust what you say.

 

I have a friend that found out about what his wife claims was an emotional affair (EA) that she says lasted 1 year and ended 10 years ago. Because he found out on his own, he can never trust that he knows the full extent of the affair. Their marriage has never been the same, and divorce may in fact still happen. He has told her that the only reason that they are together is for financial reasons, and that he will not commit to her long term. Now that they are older, she does not have as many options with men as she once had, while as a successful businessman, he has lots of women that are interested in him. She deeply regrets not telling him before he found out on his own.

Edited January 20, 2017 by Try

[Try]

If you look, most of the people that are saying not to tell your BF about the 1 year affair have very few posts, while most of the people that are saying that you should tell have many posts. In other words, the more experienced posters think that you should tell, because based on the experience of seeing how these posts turn out, they have learned that you must build a marriage based on honesty to have a marriage worth having.

[usa1ah]

Your guilt will eat away at your relationship. There is a lady posting on another site that cheated the guilt ended up keeping she from growing in the relationship. She finally told her husband. Its been a year and a half now and they are still working through it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think he would have told me of I hadn't found out and confronted him. So I guess what I'm coming to realize is that telling him would be selfish and hurtful, and that's the last thing I want to do to him.

 

So you're OK with your BF/Husband cheating on you as often as he likes as long as you don't find out? According to you, being truthful is "selfish and hurtful".

 

Thank you to all who have given advice and insight. I am going to see a therapist. I have some serious issues to work out. It hasn't happened since and it won't again. The guilt, shame and remorse isn't worth it.

 

I'd hope a good therapist would help you see there's but one way to address the guilt and shame. And it's not more lies and deception.

 

Throw17, I've known people that have suppressed awful, hurtful and shameful things, in some cases for decades. Without exception, they've paid an internal toll in terms of happiness and peace of mind. If that's your choice, understand the price you'll pay...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

Some points to think about.

 

'a few people' knowing is too,

much of a risk.

 

If he finds out later, the trust will be gone and your marriage destroyed

 

This guilt you feel will eat away at you. If it wasn't a problem for you, you wouldn't be posting here

 

Far better to say your wedding vows, knowing there's no big secret hanging over the relationship, with a clear conscience. It would be like waiting for a bomb to drop.

 

If someone was withholding information from you, that could affect a major decision like marrying them, wouldn't you want to know?

[road]

Do not tell him. It's over. I absolve you of your sins. You are now free of them. Guilt be gone and leave this girl in peace!!

 

And how are you going to help her and her BH when the truth comes out years later?

[tough love]

You should absolutely tell him. I went through a similar situation, with my wife cheating on me early in our dating relationship. I suspected something then but she lied about it. I ended up finding out the truth 21 years later. It nearly ended in divorce. Honestly, I stayed because I didn't want our kids to grow up in a broken home.

 

It has been 4 1/2 years since I found out. She trickle truthed me when I found out which only made things worse. Even now, I wonder if she is keeping stuff from me, as she tends to lie by omission. I still think about what she did daily and wonder how she could be so selfish and not respect or care about what I wanted for my life.

 

You are not the only one who has a right to make an informed choice. Your boyfriend deserves to know the truth so he can make an informed choice. You are not sparing his feelings by lying, through omission. You are avoiding taking responsibility for your choices and afraid of suffering the consequences for those choices.

 

Do the right thing and let him make an informed decision. He will either break up with you or he will stay. By telling him the truth, if he stays, it will be because he chose to not because he was tricked, lied to or played for a fool. Trust me when I say that it is not a good feeling knowing you were deceived and played for a fool by the person you should be able to trust the most.

[Throw17]

Thank you all for your insight and advice. I had my first appointment with my therapist this morning, and as a couple users have suggested, I have a lot of issues in addition to this that I need to work through. I have a long road ahead of me. This will most likely be my last post here as I need to focus on doing the right thing. Please wish us the best...

[dichotomy]

Maybe I will summarize again - if the people who know of your cheating will be a part of your married life - tell him. Because it will come out it might be 10 years from now - but someone will slip up. Also its incredibly disrespectful to him to let him hang out with people who know.

 

If they (the people who know) are not going to be a part of your married life - they live elsewhere and wont see him or you after the wedding - don't tell him.

[JS84]

Good luck. In the end it's up to you, but if there is any and I mean ANY chance he could find out? It will most likely be much worse for him 5, 10, 20 years down the road if he does and you guys are still together. He'll feel his entire relationship with you from the time it happened all throughout the times you lied will have been itself a lie. He'll think every positive memory of you and your relationship will be tainted. He'll wonder who the he married, and regret doing so in the first place. And I know I've seen more than a few stories of this happening.

 

If you just got drunk and had a one night stand with some random guy that's one thing. But it sounds like you cheated on him for a year, knowing full well what you were doing was wrong whatever the justifications and rationalizations, and mutual acquaintances are aware of it. That is some dangerous territory to be in, I don't care how long ago it was. Hell my best friend got caught 6 years after the fact and it happened once with some random woman in a completely different country and no other contact.

Edited January 20, 2017 by JS84

[tough love]

Good luck. In the end it's up to you, but if there is any and I mean ANY chance he could find out? It will most likely be much worse for him 5, 10, 20 years down the road if he does and you guys are still together. He'll feel his entire relationship with you from the time it happened all throughout the times you lied will have been itself a lie. He'll think every positive memory of you and your relationship will be tainted. He'll wonder who the he married, and regret doing so in the first place. And I know I've seen more than a few stories of this happening.

 

If you just got drunk and had a one night stand with some random guy that's one thing. But it sounds like you cheated on him for a year, knowing full well what you were doing was wrong whatever the justifications and rationalizations, and mutual acquaintances are aware of it. That is some dangerous territory to be in, I don't care how long ago it was. Hell my best friend got caught 6 years after the fact and it happened once with some random woman in a completely different country and no other contact.

 

You summed it up perfectly and it doesn't matter if it was a ONS. Betrayal and deceit is betrayal and deceit whether it is a ONS or a year long thing. And knowing your were played for a fool for years and what you wanted didn't matter only makes it worse.

 

The cheating is bad but the lying and deceit is worse and says even more about the cheater's character. It is the most selfish act I have ever personally witnessed.