Always Having to Instigate Contact

[cometrobart]

I have a female friend that I like a lot (nothing romantic yet). We have been friends, mostly at school, for about 3-4 years.

 

The problem is, I'm almost always the one who has to initiate contact. She always seems happy to be with me, and we have a great rapport and really enjoy spending time together, mostly having lunch together or walking, etc. We've been over to each other's homes a couple times, as well.

 

I have a feeling that if I didn't reach out, I'd never hear from her again, except when we run into each other at school (I'm usually the one who goes looking for her).

 

Any advice?

 

Thanks!

 

CRB

[Globug]

Uggh I am that friend too & I feel horrid about it. If my GF did not reach out to me or ask when they could see me it could be a LOOOONG time. I honestly feel bad about this & make an effort but then with work, marriage, life I tend to go backwards again. I have no advice to give you other then to say please don't take it personal because it is not. I am so thankful my friends love me & reach out to me again & again.

[preraph]

I had an old friend who started doing that, so I stopped contacting her to see how long it would take her to realize she hadn't hear from me. It took her six months, until a birthday rolled around. And then she apparently cast the blame at me because her boyfriend said "I'm glad you reunited." As if at any point she couldn't have picked up the phone or dropped me an email. Lord.

 

I have taken a step back from her but not dropped her completely.

 

If someone simply will not ever get curious and wonder if you are okay in a few weeks or a couple of months, they are not that good of a friend! Up to you if you continue to reach out, but you might at least try not doing it and see if she ever will in case she might reach out and then the relationship would be better balanced.

[Mysterio]

I think you should be bold and ask her if there is a reason that she can't rach out to you. Or perhaps you both should be on a routine where you get together every three months. That way. Both of you are not beholden to each other.

 

Some friends are like that. They have a lot going on. Some people have a lot going on in their head.

 

Talk about it and then let it go. Try not lock yourself into any type of groove with anyone.

 

I have a friend that has a newborn. What am I supposed to do. Demand that he calls me all the time. I struggle with this as well. I think at least e-mail/txt/Facebook/Calling. There really is no excuse not to keep in touch. Esspecially if you are out of town.

 

Sometimes it feels like its a chore for some people to get together on a regular basis. Should be easy and old hat for some. As long as you keep in touch at least 3 times a year. I say be loose. Some people you don't need to see or talk to on a regular basis. Some people should be only a couple of times a year.

 

At the most for me. I would only want to talk to a friend 1-2 times a week. Some friendships need more attention need less.

[Carpe Diem]

I have the opposite opinion from several posters.

 

I had pretty much the same experience at my workplace. Here's how I handled it:

 

I was new and met the 25 people in my office. Over time, I formed friendships with 3 or 4 of them. My favourite of the group was x, she was smart, funny and kind. She got along well with everyone and was always professional. At least once a week, I'd stop by her office after work and we'd chit chat. She always seemed non rushed and enjoyed the visit. Every couple of months I'd invite her out for supper or a movie; she always said yes. I thought of her as a friend. We also made up part of a larger group of friends who had the odd get together.

 

Well, fast forward three and a half years. I was super busy with my family/kids/work and realized one day that I hadn't "touched base" with x in three weeks. Suddenly it hit me 'what was stopping x from coming to see me, we only worked 50 feet apart?' Then this awful realization came over me; not once in three and a half years had x asked me to do something, it was always me initiating. Moreover, it sickenly struck me that in three years she hadn't walked 50 f....... feet to visit me in my office, say hi, tell me an amusing anecdote a single f...... time. Lol

 

I felt awful that I was so slow on the uptake. But I realized that she was NOT my friend. In our lives, we have friends, acquaintances and co-workers. She was just a coworker. She was just too nice to say no.

 

Friendship is mutual. It's two people who enjoy each other's company who reach out to each other. sometines its a chat, sometimes a supper or coffee, sometimes just a text or phone visit, but the key is that it's mutual.

 

Although it was meant for sexual relationships, I think the title could be used for friendship situations like yours and mine: "he's just not that into you." If he was, he'd call.

 

Don't be angry, just accept that you feel one way about someone and they feel another. It's adult life, it happens to most people, at some point, one way or another. Move on; I mean honestly, how can you call someone who would for the rest of their lives, never contact you, if you didn't contact them...........a friend?

[kmpisces]

I would tell her. "It is cool if you text or call me first sometimes." You can say it almost jokingly and see how she reacts. Maybe not initiate contact for s longer time than usual. See if she tries to contact you.