where do I begin...?

[Blindside117]

In the past week, my world has shattered. I found out that my husband of almost 10 years has been having an affair. I'm a SAHM with 3 children under four and I am seven months pregnant with our fourth child.

 

I've always have access to his phone, but the other day he left his "work" Ipad at home and a fb message popped up on the screen. He doesn't even have a facebook. The message was from some woman calling him babe and saying she loves him. I read through the messages and basically, they've been having an affair for over two years, he's told her he loves her and that he wants to leave me once I have this baby so they can be together.

 

After I confronted him, he cried and begged me to forgive him. He said none of the things he told that woman were true. That he liked the attention since I've been preoccupied with the kids and thats why he was living out this online fantasy.

 

I'm heartbroken and angry. I've spent the best years of my life taking care of him and our children and this is how he repays me?! I've stayed in shape, we have an active sex life. I don't know where things went wrong... Any words of advice? Does he really love this woman?

[harrybrown]

He loved the affair, whether he loved her, he said that to get more attention or sex.

 

Has he gone no contact with her?

 

have him get tested for stds.

 

you could have him pay to have you both get counseling from affair recovery.com.

 

Sorry you are going thru his mess.

[Joie]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You will get a ton of advice. Take what is useful to you and ignore what is not.

 

When I discovered my husband's affair I had to decide what I wanted to do. Do you want to stay or go?

 

Then you need to talk to your husband and see if he wants to stay.

 

If either wants to go then talk to a divorce attorney. It sucks but you will live through it.

 

If you BOTH want to work on the marriage find a marriage counselor that you both like and trust. Marriage counseling is hard work and you both need to trust the counselor.

 

You need to be honest with him about what you need. No you want him to ghost this women. Do you want him to tell her it is over. What do you want?

 

The best piece of advice I got was that your husband needs to answer your questions honestly but you need to make sure you only ask the questions you really want the answer to.

 

Take things one day at a time for now. And honestly if you need them get on an anti -depressant. They were the only thing that allowed me to stay sane.

 

Sadly, while you are talking to your doctor you will need an STD test. It sucks but it is true.

 

HUGS!!!

[Joie]

Sorry to post bomb you..but the other thing I found helpful was lists. A list of everything I wanted to say to my husband. That first week so many thoughts went through my head it was impossible to keep track. I kept a list and after a few days I brought them to my husband's attention. That way I didn't feel like I was just screaming at him. (Though I did tons of that too).

[WilyWill]

From what I've seen, the people who "get tough" with their spouse have the best results. Do not be quick to forgive him or even put him at ease.

 

You should go see an attorney to understand your rights better, and it's good for him to see you doing this. You should insist that he be tested for STDs and that he show you the results. If he drives to work, hide a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in his car to record any further conversations he has with his AP (affair partner). He should immediately write her a letter plainly stating that he no longer wishes to have any contact with her.

 

Know that if you decide to file for divorce, the process can be stopped at any point if he can demonstrate that he's truly reconciliation material.

 

Know that this was NOT your fault. You are a good wife, a good mother, obviously worthy of a monogamous husband. There is something broken in him that causes him to need more attention from women. Do not let him shift the blame to you--do not entertain any of his attempts to make you feel bad.

[Jersey born raised]

The first thing you need to grasp is the fault of adultery belongs to your husband and no one else. Others may have played a part but the fault is his alone. The adultery defines him and him alone, NOT YOU ! Your reaction to the adultery defines you. For example run out and have RA speaks to who you are not him. So the adultery is him not you.

 

Warning on MC. To often they focus on possible issues that played into leaving a person prone to commit adultery. The thinking is fix the issues and adultery will not happen. Err, but it did and is a separate issues. The issues caused by the adultery must be addressed first then any possible issues.

 

I and others after this post will offer insights on what needs to be done and actions that need to be taken. I wanted to get these two points out first because they are critical.

 

One final point: Do not rush into reconciliation or commit to it. Take your time. There is far to much uncertainty at this point.

 

Define your self though you reaction only!!!

[flowergirl14]

Crying after being caught is STRAIGHT out of the cheaters playbook. He is Sad and Sorry he got caught not that he did it. He is sorry his sordid double life was exposed! What kind of man cheats with a pregnant wife and three other babies. Really he needs that much attention? Give me a break your taking care of his beautiful children, changing diapers, sleepless nights and This is how he repays you. Get mad because you have every right to be. Theres nothing wrong with you. This is in him. He will more than likely continue to cheat if not with her than someone else. You have got years of kid raising ahead of you, years! Of course your attention will be divided. He has put your physical health and that of your unborn baby at risk. He is destroying your emotional welfare . What kind of person does this knowing you have 4 little kids to raise and care for. ...A VERY SELFISH ENTITLED MAN! I can't believe he was making plans to leave his very young large family! Go ahead let him leave and then send all the kids over to his and his affair partners house. Won't be so fun then!

[Mr. Lucky]

After I confronted him, he cried and begged me to forgive him. He said none of the things he told that woman were true. That he liked the attention since I've been preoccupied with the kids and thats why he was living out this online fantasy.

 

Is she in the same area as you? Awfully hard to believe after two years this hasn't progressed any further than an "online fantasy".

 

Most cheating spouses, when initially caught, confess to about 10% of what really happened. Occurs so often it has a name - trickle truth. I'd guess you're in that stage right now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lovingladyo4]

I am so glad for his sake that he got caught. He now has a chance to deal with accountability for his actions, and for letting his heart wander in all the wrong places. I hate to think of where this would have ended up had you not seen this string of affections toward this other woman. He has sinned against you and he must be the one to step forward and do something about it. Here is something that will offer you some constructive guidelines as you make your way through this myriad of emotions. I know it will help.

Edited February 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spam ~6

[BaileyB]

So sorry for your pain.

 

I agree that it's hard to believe that it hasn't progressed further than an online fantasy after two year.

 

I also have very little patience for a man who makes the decision to have four children, but then tries to justify the affair by saying that his wife was just too busy caring for the children... To me, that is unbelievably selfish and immature.

[usa1ah]

First thing. This is not your doing. He is not man enough even to take responsibility for his own actions.

 

Second. This is not just on line they have been together. No woman is going to go on like this without being with someone.

 

Third. Make him get a STD test done. It's a smack in his face but also to protect you.

 

Fourth. Expose to everyone. The only successful R's I have read about came after exposure.

 

Do what you need to to heal. Make him move out for a time so you can clear your head. But only after you have exposed him so he stays away form the OW.

[Whoknew30]

He likes you at pregnant & taking care his home...so he can be out & do what he wants....he's been in a A for two years & you had no clue? It says that you two aren't connected. Being intimate doesn't equal connected.

 

I'm sure he is sorry, that's 4 kids he would have to pay for if you divorce. After 2 years he has some type of feelings for the OW. That's can go away & im sure the reality he's facing will make him drop her pretty quick. This is going to be very hard for you & my heart goes out to you. Takes a lot of time & effort to fix a marriage after an A & with another baby on the way, with the little one you already have, it's all going to be challenging...Good luck to you,

[Blindside117]

Thank you all for your replies. I've read each one and appreciate the advice being given. I'm still in a state of shock. I'm staying at my moms house with the kids this week. I've also made an appt with the obgyn for the STD test.

 

I'm thinking of contacting his affair partner and trying to get the real story out of her. From her fb page, it looks like she's married as well so use that as leverage to get the truth? I want to try to keep this family together. I haven't told him that yet, but I feel like we can't rebuild the foundation until I know everything - for better or worse.

[usa1ah]

If you have copies of the messages, get the truth. Use the info for Leveage. After you get what you need from the other woman, send her husband all the info. You owe her nothing.

[Poe77]

Thank you all for your replies. I've read each one and appreciate the advice being given. I'm still in a state of shock. I'm staying at my moms house with the kids this week. I've also made an appt with the obgyn for the STD test.

 

I'm thinking of contacting his affair partner and trying to get the real story out of her. From her fb page, it looks like she's married as well so use that as leverage to get the truth? I want to try to keep this family together. I haven't told him that yet, but I feel like we can't rebuild the foundation until I know everything - for better or worse.

 

Yeah that will go one of two ways...if shes mad at him she might be cooperative or she might embellish the story to try and make you madder at him..Or she will tell you off and tell you to leave her alone how your the crazy one blah blah.. just be prepared for anything and take it all with a huge grain of salt..!

 

You have to remember those kinda people the ones who cheat like that are lairs and will lie A LOT when it suits them sadly that goes for your H as well at this point..My Bf has done this to me as well on line he never met his on line fling least not while I was in his life..are you sure hes met up with this women in RL?..were dose she live?

 

That's the main question ide be wanting to know the basic facts..if she lives near and there is time with him you cant account for then ide assume they have met IRL and that makes it even harder cause shes always going to be there in the easily accessible background IF it was honesty just a on line fling then it can be easier over come but he loses all his privacy at this point from here on out that's pretty much a given..

 

Its up to you how you proceed and the fact you have kids together has to be taken into account as well I dont like the fact he was telling her he wanted to leave you I know hes their father but you also have to consider if hes even a good role model for them to be around 24/7? good luck its a really hard situation to be in but you can make it thu it..

[Poe77]

If you have copies of the messages, get the truth. Use the info for Leveage. After you get what you need from the other woman, send her husband all the info. You owe her nothing.

 

This also I would tell the husband regardless of if she gives you what you want or not her H prob doesn't have a clue so he has no choice but to be lied to and made a fool of I really believe we should all at least have a choice in how we are treated in relationships..its now up to you to give him that choice..

[Jersey born raised]

Contact her husband. He is the one that will be most motivated to find and share the truth. A surprising number will deny. Usually because the WS has aireafy warned them about a friend who's spouces is unstable and most likely BPD. A few will pay lip service as they are in an open marriage. A few will go into a numb shock and freeze but many will react "I thought so" and want to compare notes and find the truth as allies.

 

Call today,

[sandylee1]

So was she planning to leave her husband as well?

Because there's no point in a MM leaving if the OW is married, unless she is leaving as well.

 

That's more something said to the single OW, so I'd take it more seriously said to a MW. That he was telling her he'd leave would be too much for me. Let him go to her.

 

Unless they have never met, I'm not buying the nonsense that it's not physical.

 

If he sticks to this story, demand a polygraph. His reaction will be telling.

 

I think seeing a lawyer would be wise and it won't harm for him to know youve done this either. He needs to fear and feel the reality that you could be divorcing him.

 

Be tough. Make it very real to him. Otherwise, he'll never know what he came close to loosing.

 

Too many people rush to forgive. That makes the cheater think you'll put up with it and they revert back to the cheating, assuming it ever stopped.

[mikeylo]

I don't get it. You are not popping kids on your own ! While he is making you pregnant year after year , he is going around with another woman ! He is messed up. One person's horrific decisions lead to destruction of so many people !

[Poe77]

I don't get it. You are not popping kids on your own ! While he is making you pregnant year after year , he is going around with another woman ! He is messed up. One person's horrific decisions lead to destruction of so many people !

 

 

It sounds like even regardless of the OP having his kids just about every year for the last oh 3 4 years shes kept herself in decent shape for him something alot of women let go after one kid much less this many and even then hes still not content something is wrong with him in the head maybe its a attention thing who knows but I agree makes no sense at all..and that MW should be ashamed of herself as well...

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm a SAHM with 3 children under four and I am seven months pregnant with our fourth child.

 

Eerily similar to this:

 

We have been married for 3 years (together for 4.5 in total). My wife is 26, I'm 30. We have 3 children who are 2, 16 months, 4 months, and she is pregnant.

 

What is it about the large broods of small children making the fathers go crazy? If anyone would snap, you'd think it'd be the person tasked with the herculean job of caring for them all...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

I don't get it. You are not popping kids on your own ! While he is making you pregnant year after year , he is going around with another woman ! He is messed up. One person's horrific decisions lead to destruction of so many people !

 

Exactly.

 

Then using the stupid excuse that she's busy with the children.... Well that's not about to change, because a new baby is nearly here and things are going to get busier.

 

This is a baby he was very much part of creating, so if that's the best he can come up with, there's no point in reconciling, because you aren't throwing the kids out.

 

This immaturity of some men really peeves me in these situations. Does he realise how hectic and how much hard work it is looking after young children.

 

How often does he look after all three on his own?

 

How often do you get a break from the kids? Like a night out in the evening?

 

There's a cohort of men who like the status of being married, having children and the stability that goes with it, but in reality they're just like silly little boys pretending to be men.

 

It's exceedingly irresponsible to be bringing children into the world, if you have no respect for your wife (and their mother) and jeopardising their comfort and security by having affairs.

[aileD]

Tell the husband. If anything it will help keep the OW out of the picture. Because just like your husband, oncer HER husband finds out she is going to beg for his forgiveness

[ShatteredLady]

I agree with ALL of the members telling you to inform the other bs (betrayed spouse) exactly what's going on!!

 

PLEASE! Go online & tell him NOW!

 

* Wouldn't you want to know?

* It's human decency. Unlike your WH & her!!

* He will be keeping an eye on her too.

* You can compare notes & get a clearer picture of the truth.

* For support. He's in the same boat as you.

 

It's the right thing to do.

[Joie]

You will need to do what makes you comfortable and feel safe but personally I oppose the polygraph, tracking his car, VAR etc. In my opinion if that is what your relationship has become then the relationship is dead and it is time to move on to divorce.

 

That is one of the reasons I recommend marriage counseling. Our counselor had us make a list of the ways trust could be earned. If he is truly trying to save the marriage he will be happy to do whatever makes you feel secure. Some days you will just freak out for no reasons and doubt him. It is his job to help you through this and rebuild your trust.

 

I also dislike the idea of telling everyone to expose the affair. Tell who you want to tell and who will support you. Remember once a person knows they will always know. I now regret telling a few of my people. It turns out they just turned my pain into lunch time gossip.

 

Do what makes you happy and not what anyone else thinks you should do.