djj Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Well... been a while since I have posted anything but here is a hell of a story for you all... hopefully I haven't blown it. I have been dating someone for 6 months, long story short she found some pictures on my computer yesterday of my ex wife and I engaged in sexual activities that were taken after we separated. Now, I didn't even know my GF at the time so I didn't cheat or anything... she knew that my ex wife and I had sex after we separated but the pictures were something I never told her. She claims that she isn't so much upset by the fact that the pictures exist but more by the fact that I lied about it. I lied to her purely because I didn't want her to be upset by it all. I can honestly say that I have done nothing with the pictures since they were taken, not even looked at them, honestly I forgot that they were even there. Well my GF is pissed like you wouldn't believe... I cant blame her really.... I have never lied to her about anything else and am for the most part an open book with her, willing to tell her anything she wants to know about me or my past. We have discussed or wedding in the past, not that we are engaged but it just seems that we will be heading that way. I had an awful night, she had an awful night, she thought she would feel better this morning but no such luck. I don't expect her to just wake up and say hey don't worry about it, I know that I will have to earn her trust back but I am now freaked out that this will be the end of everything. The one thing that she cannot handle is being lied to. I feel awful.... Well... that's my story... I suppose I just needed to tell someone... so have I blown it? What should I do? I keep telling her how sorry I am and that I will never lie to her again and that I have never lied to her about anything else (this is all true!) and that I understand why she is upset etc. etc. I suppose I have nothing else to do but wait. Oh by the way I deleted all copies of the pictures... little too late but I seriously had no need for them, nor did I particularily want them. Thanks for listening. ~djj
lvgrly Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 So, you told a lie but your intentions were good..I can understand that. To be honest with you, I wouldnt have wanted you to tell me that either.. But finding out yourself is always the worst way. Ask her what she would have done, if she had pictures of her and her ex doing sexual things, ask her if she would have felt comfortable telling you something like that, and just see if she can see where you are coming from for a minute. All you can do is try.. You can only say "Im sorry" So many times before it just becomes another word and means nothing. Actions speak louder than words, show her that your sorry. And hopefully she will see that and everything will be fine, and if not...well at least you can say you tried. Good luck hun..
SoftDrink Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 how did you lie to her? by not telling her something private that you engaged in as an adult before you were even together? that's not lying. it's keeping something to yourself that isn't any of her business to begin with. this girl needs to get a grip. i understand no one wants to see pictures of their S/O gettin' it on, but she should admit that THAT is what's bothering me, not that you "lied." i would be more curious as to why these pictures were kept in the first place. you don't usually "forget" you have pictures of yourself having sex with someone. she's trying to make it seem like it's the "lying" and she hates being "lied to." she's full of it. she doesn't like the thought of you being with someone else before her, and since she can't change that, she's trying to legitimize her feelings by saying she won't be lied to. personally, i don't think you have anything to feel sorry for. she's just going to have to get the hell over it.
noname Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 that sucks. i don't think you have blown it. she will probably eventually get over it. right now she is experiencing shock. it would be a different story if you were cheating on her, but this is part of a past that belongs to you. you apologized and there isn't much you do but wait, 'cause you can't go back in time. it'll take a bit because although she knows that you have a past, you gotta admit that seeing your partner in the throes of passion with somebody else has to really do some damage... and by the way... it doesn't sound like you lied to her. she just happened to stumble across a part of your life that she didn't know about. unless you purposely told her that these pictures didn't exist, you are not at fault for anything except being silly enough to keep them readily accessable on you computer. in my opinion, you shouldn't be apologizing for lying unless you actually lied. but that is just me...
Rhythm28 Posted July 20, 2005 Posted July 20, 2005 Dude, why don't you start by deleting those pictures from your computer? I'm sure that would be a big step in getting over this mess.
griftymcgriff Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 Yeah that would be the first thing that comes to mind hehe My gf found pictures of a girl who i had sexual encounters with...I mean they were only portrait images of her, nothing like erotic lol. BUt she also got the wrong impression and thought i had fallen inlove with that other girl :S First thing i did was delete the images!
Reflections Posted July 21, 2005 Posted July 21, 2005 A similar thing happened w/ my bf and I, except I was the one who found the pictures. I was livid. I was hurt. And it was that way for a long time. Like your girlfiend, I cannot handle being lied to, especially by the one person I love and trust completley. My advice to you is a) delete the pictures, b) you're going to have to be completely open and honest with her and do everything you can to show her that you wont lie to her again. Don't be afraid to bring the topic up and talk to her about it, don't look like you're trying to avoid it. We ended up making it thru it, and I hope you two can too, especially if you werent meaning to keep the pictures and just forgot about them.
Author djj Posted July 23, 2005 Author Posted July 23, 2005 Thanks for all your comments.... First of I deleted them right away, and she knows this..... we have talked alot since then about it as I am sure you an imagine. Things are better but they aren't what they were yet... not that I would expect them to be yet... It takes times I understand that. If anything she has a better understanding of me and my background because of the discussions that have resulted because of the pictures... it really does seem like the pictures themselves were not the issue and the lying was the issue although I will be the recipiant of a few little digs here and there about them as she gets it out of her system. Will keep you all updated if you are interested. Thanks, ~djj
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