Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[Overtaxed]

Wow, what a shock. D-day about 2 weeks ago now and I'm still reeling. Wife was involved with a former (married) co-worker, who I knew well (was actually considering hiring him). Just complete shock; that's the only way to describe it.

 

My wife is the low sex partner in our marriage; the thought of her seeking sex with another man is, honestly, beyond comprehension to me. I've not let myself go, I've always been available, and we've really lived as "best friends" for over a decade now. Yes, the period before/during the affair (lasted for about 3 months) was rocky, she was very withdrawn, but I honestly thought that was life stress; I'm almost 40 and she's 37, we've not had children both by choice (I haven't wanted them) but also because of her medical issues. This had been coming to a head over the past year and was driving a wedge into our relationship (she wanted to go down the IVF route, I was opposed). But this? I just never expected it; she was always the one looking to get out of sex, not for more of it. She's also very religious (compared to me, an atheist) and I can not see how to squares this with her beliefs.

 

The discovery was via txt/e-mail, and man, was I pissed when I read them. This guy was holding himself out as a spiritual leader to her, justifying their relationship with biblical verse and complete bull****. My vision just went red as I went through the BS. Not only was I angry, but just so disappointed in my wife that she fell for this; it was "pick up 101" and I never pegged her for someone who'd allow themselves to be taken like this.

 

Did not disclose to the AP's wife, however, she found the NC e-mail and now knows. The AP is attempting to reconcile (this isn't the first time he's done this) and I've been in contact with his wife (who I know from social events) to discuss the issues and fallout. This has given me insight into the lies, the AP is claiming my wife has pursued him for years (which, I frankly do not believe for a minute) my wife is claiming "it just happened when he professed his love for me" (about 4-5 months ago) which I doubt is entirely true either (but closer to the truth). Nobody else knows, friends/family/etc all in the dark (and I want to keep it that way). We're both in counseling (separately for now) and wife is seeing some religious leaders as well for guidance. Wife's psych recommended no sex, which, being that I verge on hypersexual, is like another thumb in the eye, but I'm doing my best to abide by her recommendation.

 

I'm a very sexually liberal person, so, honestly, the "sex outside of marriage" thing isn't eating me alive. I'm a realist, and I figured this would happen at some point, I just figured it would be me not her (please don't judge too harshly, I just spend a lot of time with numbers and stats, something like 70-80% of marriages go through this, so I went in with open eyes that this could happen). What's eating me up are the lies, the way our relationship was breaking down during the affair (looking back, it's crystal clear), the lack of sex drive with me while giving it to him. I honestly felt like we were heading for a divorce before this came to light and could not, for the life of me, figure out what was wrong. I spent so much time and energy trying to "fix it" which now, looking back, was a total waste because the problem wasn't me.

 

I honestly feel like my wife may be having a mental "break". I'm not trying to excuse her behavior (well, maybe I am), but it's just so out of character for her I'm searching for excuses. When she talks about it, she's cold and clinical. She's cried (as have I), but I feel almost like she's in shock, walking through the house in a daze of her own making. She's said she loves me, but just hasn't really "centered" herself yet.

 

Our life, outside of this, is what most people would consider "perfect". If we D, I think most of our friends/family would need help to deal with the shock, we're best friends, we're both in excellent physical shape (attractive, I know that doesn't matter, but it people often associate "letting yourself go" with an affair, that's not the case here), we're wealthy, we travel extensively.

 

Also, I'm doing a lot of victim blaming as is my wife. We've had long talks and it's mostly about "what I did wrong". I don't know how to break this cycle, yes, I am at fault for some things in our relationship, but I did not have the affair. I'm afraid that putting my foot down too hard will actually break her, either make her leave or destroy whatever is left of her spirit to keep fighting.

 

I also can't believe she didn't think of the consequences. Her family is very religious, we have a pre-nup that's very tight (I make a lot more than her), and I can't believe she'd throw it all away for sex, something she hasn't ever really been interested in before (through our entire relationship). She claims it was the "bond", but, looking at the e-mails and TXT messages, the "bond" was just a bunch of pickup artist crap strung together to get a woman to take off her clothes.

 

Why am I writing this? I need to get it off my chest. I've told no one, trying to work through it with the wife, but I need some help and hoping that the men/women here can provide some hands to take me down the right path.

[understand50]

Overtaxed,

 

Sorry for you r troubles. Do yourself a favor, read the top post here. Have an idea of what she needs to be doing . Let her know as well. Do not really on her IC only. They only have her interest in mind.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Also Linda McDonald's book, " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:"

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

Look you need an idea of what she should be doing. This will give you a baseline. You can them show her, and help her. Think about it, this is not something people just know how to do. This is if you want to reconcile and keep the marriage. You may not have decided, but from the "tone" of your post, it looks like you are headed that way. I am a Betrayed Spouse that has reconciled and have a 40 year plus marriage. It can be done, but things have to happen to allow it. Just keep in mind that it is a lot of hard work on both sides.

 

IF you decide to divorce. A clean, quick, and fast divorce, closing out any hope of reconciliation is the last kindness you can do for her.

 

You may never understand why. She may not as well. But MC should help if you can afford it. I think the idea of no sex strange, as you both need to reconnect, so I wonder if her IC is working for your marriage. In any case, it looks like your wife is easily led, and you may need to step in for her. This may be so, if you stay or if you divorce. Lastly, I think you are handling this well, just read up on how things should go if you want a certain outcome.

 

I wish you luck......

[Whoknew30]

Honestly, I never look at a couple & think "perfect" bc it's bogus. The couple's that seem to be perfect on the outside are usually (in my experience) the ones with the most issues...bc couples that are secure have no problem with behaving & even stating that "perfect" does not exist...to even say that says to me, that your relationship is based more on show than it is reality...who cares what people see when you're living in misery?

 

Sounds like there's a lot going on & it's going to take awhile to sort through not just her feelings but your own. My advice, focus on your reality, not what it has been portrayed to be...it's like starting all over bc everything you thought you knew, was wrong....give it time & make yourself & your feelings the priority right now...good luck

[Bryanp]

You asked the question how could she do this?

From your post it seems that you are one of the nice guys

and my guess is that she thought she could continue to have sex

with this guy behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's

with no long term consequences from you. She probably thought if she

got caught then there would be lots of crying from the both of you and that in the end you would forgive her. No harm no foul.

 

In short, she was allowed to have a 4 month sexual fling with very little consequences. In addition, if it went on for 4 months then you know that there had to be times when she was with you after she had been with him. She totally disrespected you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[zeeohsixer]

It's not that she's never been interested in sex, just not sex with you. She likely married you for stability and has been having affairs all along. If that prenuptial agreement is so solid, eject. Respect yourself, be a man. Hiding her actions from everyone and making excuses just makes you a fraud with no backbone. She doesn't respect you and likely resents you.

[central]

I have to wonder why you would want to reconcile. You have mismatched sex drives, she is not sexually attracted to you, is sexually attracted to another man and willingly did with him that which she does not want to do with you, and is unlikely to change for the better if you do reconcile.

 

 

I would look at this as an opportunity to end the marriage and look for someone who is actually compatible and sexually attracted to YOU. It's very, very likely that you can do better.

[Overtaxed]

It's not that she's never been interested in sex, just not sex with you. She likely married you for stability and has been having affairs all along. If that prenuptial agreement is so solid, eject. Respect yourself, be a man. Hiding her actions from everyone and making excuses just makes you a fraud with no backbone. She doesn't respect you and likely resents you.

 

Some of this I agree with, some of it I do not. When we met, I wasn't wealthy at all, and was not "Mr. Stability", I was very much a free spirit; she was the last in the line of many women I'd slept with, but I was NOT the kind of person you married for stability (at that time). From day 1, sex was an issue. That's not really fair, it was more of an imbalance, I always wanted it more than she did.

 

The 2nd part I do agree. She has little respect for me (in our own home, come on!) and absolutely resents me because I won't try to give her children (which, to be fair, is my hangup, but there's very little chance of it working given both of our reproductive issues).

 

Let me ask you this, I do seek to reconcile, I realize that may sound like a man with no backbone, but I'm not in any way desperate; I just love her. I could leave tomorrow and be richer than I am today (without another person spending the money). Most people would consider me very attractive, and, sad to say, I think that of myself as well. Women have always been "easy" for me; I have no doubt I could get into another relationship with ease. But I just struggle with "giving up" on her, especially since this is so out of character for her; of course, none of you know her and my eyes are glazed over because of my feelings for her, but, if you asked every one of our mutual friends "who's the most likely to cheat in this room" my wife would have come out at the bottom of the list. So, the question, is reconciliation truly impossible? I'm a sexually liberal person, I'm not really hung up on the "sex with someone else" part, I'm hung up on the horrible breach of trust and intimacy in our relationship. That's the part I think I'll struggle to fix, not putting the physical "stuff" behind me.

[Overtaxed]

I have to wonder why you would want to reconcile. You have mismatched sex drives, she is not sexually attracted to you, is sexually attracted to another man and willingly did with him that which she does not want to do with you, and is unlikely to change for the better if you do reconcile.

 

 

I would look at this as an opportunity to end the marriage and look for someone who is actually compatible and sexually attracted to YOU. It's very, very likely that you can do better.

 

That's the part that stings so badly, to be honest. Especially since the AP is, to put it bluntly, not attractive.

 

I'm confident that I can "better" when it comes to finding a partner who's sexually compatible, but.. It's the rest of it I'm not sure about. She's been there with me from day 1; we built our lives together from nothing into something amazing. Those experiences can't be rebuilt with another person; a new woman would be a guest in my world, she actually was there while I built it.

 

If you can't tell, "insecure" is not one of my failings, and I honestly don't feel that way right now. I know I could walk out the door and have a new woman in bed this evening (and my wife does too). I just struggle to chuck it all in the can without a fight, but, maybe (what I'm hearing) is I'm fighting a battle that's already been lost.

[zeeohsixer]

Overtaxed, she has issues and blames some of them on you. Hell, even your username suggests you're at the end of your rope. Let me ask you, what is love? Is it being overtaxed and lied to? Is it your job to fix her? How can you keep your pride and reconcile? Can you honestly live with the doubt about what's she's really up too while you're busting your ass ? I was in your exact same position and I kept my pride and divorced her ass.8 years together but it didn't matter to me. Put your good looks and success to work for you and find another woman that's not a project. I wish you luck brother, I k ow exactly how you feel.

[Marc878]

First of all it didn't just happen. She made a decision to have the affair. She did it because she wanted to.

[Whoknew30]

Some of this I agree with, some of it I do not. When we met, I wasn't wealthy at all, and was not "Mr. Stability", I was very much a free spirit; she was the last in the line of many women I'd slept with, but I was NOT the kind of person you married for stability (at that time). From day 1, sex was an issue. That's not really fair, it was more of an imbalance, I always wanted it more than she did.

 

The 2nd part I do agree. She has little respect for me (in our own home, come on!) and absolutely resents me because I won't try to give her children (which, to be fair, is my hangup, but there's very little chance of it working given both of our reproductive issues).

 

Let me ask you this, I do seek to reconcile, I realize that may sound like a man with no backbone, but I'm not in any way desperate; I just love her. I could leave tomorrow and be richer than I am today (without another person spending the money). Most people would consider me very attractive, and, sad to say, I think that of myself as well. Women have always been "easy" for me; I have no doubt I could get into another relationship with ease. But I just struggle with "giving up" on her, especially since this is so out of character for her; of course, none of you know her and my eyes are glazed over because of my feelings for her, but, if you asked every one of our mutual friends "who's the most likely to cheat in this room" my wife would have come out at the bottom of the list. So, the question, is reconciliation truly impossible? I'm a sexually liberal person, I'm not really hung up on the "sex with someone else" part, I'm hung up on the horrible breach of trust and intimacy in our relationship. That's the part I think I'll struggle to fix, not putting the physical "stuff" behind me.

 

Why do you keep bringing others into it..."ask our friends"...the reality is who cares what you're friends think or would say. She cheated, so anything anyone would say, does not matter! It's not out of character bc she did it...that makes it her character.

 

Anyone can reconcile but you have to start off by truth...truth, your wife is capable & did cheat. I understand being upset & one's mind all over the place bc it's a new reality BUT that new reality is reality. Until you gave that fact a 100% without glossed over eyes, no real reconciliation won't be possible.

 

You may love your wife but it honestly sounds like you want to make this work bc of how things perceived to be instead of what they were. Your wife wasn't sleeping with you bc she was having sex with another man...she lied to you & you evidently didn't know the person she is. She wasn't cheating on her BF with her H...if you can forgive that, it's not wrong but to forgive you actually have to understand exactly what you're forgiving, to really move forward.

[Overtaxed]

Overtaxed, she has issues and blames some of them on you. Hell, even your username suggests you're at the end of your rope. Let me ask you, what is love? Is it being overtaxed and lied to? Is it your job to fix her? How can you keep your pride and reconcile? Can you honestly live with the doubt about what's she's really up too while you're busting your ass ? I was in your exact same position and I kept my pride and divorced her ass.8 years together but it didn't matter to me. Put your good looks and success to work for you and find another woman that's not a project. I wish you luck brother, I k ow exactly how you feel.

 

Thank you for this, especially the last part. It's good to know that others, as sick as it is, have been thought this and come though the other side, either with or without the AP.

 

My username, actually, while certainly applicable to this situation, has nothing to do with it. It's a reference to my taxes each year (income taxes), not my wife.

[Overtaxed]

First of all it didn't just happen. She made a decision to have the affair. She did it because she wanted to.

 

Yes, and I think a big part of me either closing the door or getting through this is her coming to that conclusion. The AP's SO told me such a whopper of a story (what the AP told to her) that I simply know that's not the truth. But I don't have the truth from my wife either, she's still playing the victim in this, and that behavior has to stop if there's any hope of reconciling. I have fault in the relationship, but not in the affair, and she has to realize that and come to the conclusion that it was her decision, not my actions, that made this happen.

[Overtaxed]

Anyone can reconcile but you have to start off by truth...truth, your wife is capable & did cheat. I understand being upset & one's mind all over the place bc it's a new reality BUT that new reality is reality. Until you gave that fact a 100% without glossed over eyes, no real reconciliation won't be possible.

 

You may love your wife but it honestly sounds like you want to make this work bc of how things perceived to be instead of what they were. Your wife wasn't sleeping with you bc she was having sex with another man...she lied to you & you evidently didn't know the person she is. She wasn't cheating on her BF with her H...if you can forgive that, it's not wrong but to forgive you actually have to understand exactly what you're forgiving, to really move forward.

 

Agree, and I need all the "gloss" ripped off, which is why I'm still not done looking for the truth here.

 

2nd part, I disagree. Yes, I do love my wife, but I really could care less what other people think if we divorce, I only said that because our relationship seems, to most, to be the "bedrock" kind of marriage that others hope to have. Yes, I am blind as to the person she really is; or what she's really capable of, and that's a defect that I need to remedy.

[WilyWill]

Count me as one of those who say you should move on. People give so many reasons for wanting to say in their tainted marriage with their cheating spouse. The reasons go like this:

 

Divorce is against my religion (You're not religious)

I'm too old to find someone new (You're young)

I'll lose half my assets (You won't, because of the prenup)

I'll miss making love with my wife (You weren't making love before)

What will this do to my kids? (You don't have any)

I'll break her heart (She's acting coldly even though she might lose you)

What will my peers think? (You don't care, and shouldn't)

 

In other words, of the typical reasons people give to stay in a marriage, very few of them apply to you.

 

Seriously, what did she ever bring to your marriage, other than a bunch of BS "values" that neither she nor you espouse. You can have a fulfilling marriage with a woman who loves you, respects you, desires you sexually, and will stay loyal. There are a bunch of them.

 

File for divorce immediately. If she has a "come to Jesus" moment (which she supposedly has had since birth, LOL), you can stop or stall the divorce at any time.

[DKT3]

I don't said this many times, none of us thought our spouses were capable of these things or we most likely wouldn't have married them. You need to let your perception of her go and deal with the real person standing in your living room. My perception of my wife made reconciliation impossible. I struggled too much with how I could not believe she did it, doing this hinders your ability to accept it actually happened, and causes a need on your part to minimize her actions, which you do alot here so far

[harrybrown]

Have her get tested for stds.

 

also have her pay for you both to attend affair recovery.com.

 

You can find them online.

 

She does not respect you and love you, at least not like you love her.

 

I hope you can find the reason with the help of affair recovery.com.

 

She is not remorseful, she is blaming you. She does need to see some consequences, exposure, filing for D, polygraph, and paying to go see affair-recovery.com.

 

She is still pining for the OM. she is not the religious person like you think.

 

She is showing a very ugly side inside. She needs to show some remorse.

 

And she is not showing remorse, not begging you not to end the marriage.

 

She needs to see that she can lose some things from her rotten actions.

 

good luck to you. go see your attorney and let her get the D papers.

 

Maybe then she will find some remorse.

 

How would she feel if you had the A? have you asked her that?

[ShatteredLady]

Please remember that many here (including myself) have been devastated by infidelity. It's not exactly an unbiased group!

 

I believe that anyone is capable of messing-up their lives. Any couple can reconcile if they love each other enough. BOTH of you have to face the truth & work bloody hard to make marriage work after such a betrayal.

 

Please read the information already posted for you (the 'sticky post' at the top & the book) share them with your wife & decide together if you're ready for the long haul. Your wife needs to be completely honest with you & totally transparent to have any chance of regaining your trust.

 

Please don't react with a revenge affair. It will only make things even more messy & painful.

 

Time is on your side. There no rule that says you must describe what's best for you in the next week, month or even year. Take your time. Feel all of the emotions. I know it hurts like hell. I'm so sorry.

 

Best wishes.

[Bryanp]

Whoa.

 

I just saw what you wrote: She has little respect for me (in our own home, come on!)

 

This has to be a deal breaker. This is the ultimate disrespect and humiliation to you. At the very very least go to a hotel. The fact that she would have sex in your house while you are working and then you come back to your home after this is too much. There is great symbolism in screwing your lover in your home. It is a type of symbolic defecation on you, your marriage and your shared home. This is simply too much. She knew exactly what she was doing. Talk about humiliation toward you. Enough is enough. Good luck.

[aileD]

I haven't read everything but I read up until you said she wanted to do IVF and you don't want kids.

 

Relationships where one person wants kids and the other doesn't never really work out. It's too much to ask one person to sacfrifice either way.

 

Cut her loose and let her find someone who shares her dream of parenthood

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm a sexually liberal person, I'm not really hung up on the "sex with someone else" part, I'm hung up on the horrible breach of trust and intimacy in our relationship.

 

Very important point. And yet 90% of what you continue to post glosses right over this.

 

What greater breach of trust and intimacy could there be than sleeping with her OM in your house - and in your bed?

 

That's about as primal as it gets...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Count me as one of those who say you should move on. People give so many reasons for wanting to say in their tainted marriage with their cheating spouse. The reasons go like this:

 

Divorce is against my religion (You're not religious)

I'm too old to find someone new (You're young)

I'll lose half my assets (You won't, because of the prenup)

I'll miss making love with my wife (You weren't making love before)

What will this do to my kids? (You don't have any)

I'll break her heart (She's acting coldly even though she might lose you)

What will my peers think? (You don't care, and shouldn't)

 

In other words, of the typical reasons people give to stay in a marriage, very few of them apply to you.

 

Seriously, what did she ever bring to your marriage, other than a bunch of BS "values" that neither she nor you espouse. You can have a fulfilling marriage with a woman who loves you, respects you, desires you sexually, and will stay loyal. There are a bunch of them.

 

File for divorce immediately. If she has a "come to Jesus" moment (which she supposedly has had since birth, LOL), you can stop or stall the divorce at any time.

 

This is very well put ^^^^^^^

 

You really don't have any reason to keep her around other than you don't want to mess with a divorce and moving on with the rest of your life.

 

If she wants to remain married and you chose to not mess with divorce, that is your prerogative if you want to stay with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you but does want to get down with others.

 

Your choice of course, but there really is no reason not to move on and date and fool around and do whatever you want without having to mess with her.

[Overtaxed]

Please remember that many here (including myself) have been devastated by infidelity. It's not exactly an unbiased group!

 

I believe that anyone is capable of messing-up their lives. Any couple can reconcile if they love each other enough. BOTH of you have to face the truth & work bloody hard to make marriage work after such a betrayal.

 

Please read the information already posted for you (the 'sticky post' at the top & the book) share them with your wife & decide together if you're ready for the long haul. Your wife needs to be completely honest with you & totally transparent to have any chance of regaining your trust.

 

Please don't react with a revenge affair. It will only make things even more messy & painful.

 

Time is on your side. There no rule that says you must describe what's best for you in the next week, month or even year. Take your time. Feel all of the emotions. I know it hurts like hell. I'm so sorry.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

Thank you for the kind words, they are very helpful. I've read everything that was posted and it has been very good for me, I will share it with my wife tonight.

 

I have no intention of the revenge affair. I just don't see any good that can come of that. Surprisingly (maybe it hasn't happened yet), my self-image, while damaged, has not taken that much of a hit. I'm a very logical person; a numbers guy. I know that most marriages will hit this bump, and I'm trying to process it as something that's more about 2 people having problems than it is about a personal failing. It's working so far, wish me luck!

[Overtaxed]

Very important point. And yet 90% of what you continue to post glosses right over this.

 

What greater breach of trust and intimacy could there be than sleeping with her OM in your house - and in your bed?

 

That's about as primal as it gets...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agreed, completely. This is the kind of thing I'm not sure I can get over; the sex.. Meh, I'm mad, but if it was "It didn't mean anything" sex I'd bounce right back. But the disrespect; my God does that sting. It wasn't my bed though (supposedly) it was one of the guest rooms. I kind of believe that because there's simply no reason to risk going in there, unless you really wanted to just crap on my head for fun.

[zeeohsixer]

Please remember that many here (including myself) have been devastated by infidelity. It's not exactly an unbiased group!

 

I believe that anyone is capable of messing-up their lives. Any couple can reconcile if they love each other enough. BOTH of you have to face the truth & work bloody hard to make marriage work after such a betrayal.

 

Please read the information already posted for you (the 'sticky post' at the top & the book) share them with your wife & decide together if you're ready for the long haul. Your wife needs to be completely honest with you & totally transparent to have any chance of regaining your trust.

 

Please don't react with a revenge affair. It will only make things even more messy & painful.

 

Time is on your side. There no rule that says you must describe what's best for you in the next week, month or even year. Take your time. Feel all of the emotions. I know it hurts like hell. I'm so sorry.

 

Best wishes.

Thats one of the many problems with reconciliation. Life is hard enough as is, the thought of a betrayed spouse having to put in so much work is extremely off-putting. Its like, "hey husband I crossed the line andhad an affair, now help me clean up the mess I've made" Thats bull****