Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[Overtaxed]

You should at least find out if your prenuptial agreement still stands if one of the triggers is infidelity. What is her consequence for breaking your marriage contract? How do you hold her to her word if a prenuptial agreement and wedding vows can't? Your going to accept the word of someone you don't really know(this new stranger who has finally exposed herself) and has proven she will act on an opportunity if she thinks she can get away with it. Protect yourself from future hurts.

 

There are no "triggers" on the pre-nup. It's just a division of assets and waiver of alimony, no matter who messes up or just not able to make it work. People have these impressions of pre-nups that's put together by celebrity divorces; most pre-nups are pretty simple. You keep your stuff, I keep mine, we can establish individual accounts outside the marriage, and no alimony under any circumstances. That's pretty much it. Takes about 10 pages of legal mumbo-jumbo to get that point across, but, end of the day, that's all it really says.

 

As to the rest of it... Yeah, I have no good answer for that. Right now, my answer is "vigilance" but, let's be honest, that can't continue forever. That's why I spend so much time searching for the "reason". What in her let her do this. How do I change it or accept it and come to understand this part of her. I'm not kidding when I say, she's the last person I'd ever suspect of this. I dated a lot when I was younger, and I dated a lot of women who I knew would be out the door if the next thing came knocking hard enough. My W was, by far, the least "straying" of the many girls I dated. But, she did what she did, and I now struggle to figure out the "why" of it. Why so much hate towards me? What did I do to make her feel that I didn't care? And is this a character defect in her or a terrible loss of judgement and/or being played by a sick AP who will likely never sleep with with another woman who's anywhere near my wife's caliber? As you've seen from my thread, I'm pretty cerebral about stuff, I get it; people are horny and do dumb stuff. That I can excuse because, frankly, end of the day, we're all human. But this was beyond that, this went far into the "malice towards the other person" category. And that's what I'm struggling to understand.

[Chaparral]

Have you told her how shocked you are with her choice of an affair partner? I wonder if she has lower self esteem than you give her credit for.

 

The why is simply the urge to merge, thinking she can get away with it and not overthinking what may happen. Think of the excitement she got doing something bad. Studies show 70% of people admit they would have an affair if they knew they wouldn't get caught . About 35% do have affairs with only about 20% of those getting caught.

 

She did it for the adventure, the excitement, the revenge etc.

[JohnAdams]

As to the rest of it... Yeah, I have no good answer for that. Right now, my answer is "vigilance" but, let's be honest, that can't continue forever. That's why I spend so much time searching for the "reason". What in her let her do this. How do I change it or accept it and come to understand this part of her. I'm not kidding when I say, she's the last person I'd ever suspect of this. I dated a lot when I was younger, and I dated a lot of women who I knew would be out the door if the next thing came knocking hard enough. My W was, by far, the least "straying" of the many girls I dated. But, she did what she did, and I now struggle to figure out the "why" of it. Why so much hate towards me? What did I do to make her feel that I didn't care? And is this a character defect in her or a terrible loss of judgement and/or being played by a sick AP who will likely never sleep with with another woman who's anywhere near my wife's caliber? As you've seen from my thread, I'm pretty cerebral about stuff, I get it; people are horny and do dumb stuff. That I can excuse because, frankly, end of the day, we're all human. But this was beyond that, this went far into the "malice towards the other person" category. And that's what I'm struggling to understand.

 

My wife was also the last person I would have ever had suspected of cheating. I think it may even hurt worse when you are caught so far off guard. Everything you once thought was true you no longer know.

 

 

I must have asked "Why" a million times. In reality there is no acceptable answer to this question.

 

 

You are only a few weeks past D Day. I am surprised that you are able to process anything at this early stage. Asking "why" is common when in the disbelief and denial stage. You will probably go into an anger stage in the near future. Hopefully, that does not last long.

 

 

Good luck, reconciliation is a tough road to follow.

[aliveagain]

Your struggling because your logical, the issue here is her and her issues, she needs to find out why she did what she did in such a brutal way and then relay that to you. Stop trying to figure it out for her, that is her work to do. If she won't do the work don't waste anymore time on her. She needs to be as committed as you in order to save your marriage. From what you have written I don't see that commitment, it's more of a half a$$ed attempt doing just the minimum to keep you. How sure are you that she even wants the marriage?

[Overtaxed]

Have you told her how shocked you are with her choice of an affair partner? I wonder if she has lower self esteem than you give her credit for.

 

The why is simply the urge to merge, thinking she can get away with it and not overthinking what may happen. Think of the excitement she got doing something bad. Studies show 70% of people admit they would have an affair if they knew they wouldn't get caught . About 35% do have affairs with only about 20% of those getting caught.

 

She did it for the adventure, the excitement, the revenge etc.

 

Oh yeah, I let her know. And yes, she does have low self esteem, that's exactly what the AP played on, telling her how beautiful she is (which she is, but she doesn't know it), how good a mother she'd be (even though he had no intention or ability to do that for her), how well she treated other people (except me, of course).. All of it, building up her self esteem in ways I didn't; I have a pretty high self esteem, and, frankly, when people compliment me, I think they want something from me and I shut down. So I thought the same of her (and was DEAD wrong).

 

I suppose you might be right. She's just never been the "adventure" or "danger" type. She's never done drugs of any kind. Never even been really drunk since we've been together. Doesn't like "danger" sports that much. I'm the "DANGER PLEASE" person in the relationship. But, perhaps she was tired of playing is safe? "The revenge", IMHO, might be the best answer, she was just filled with rage at me (which is obvious looking at all the electronic communications between her and her friends). Which is why I keep coming back to "children" as the underlying issue, I didn't do anything else to her in our relationship that could even be construed as "wrong enough" to justify that kind of rage. I'm trying to get her to see it and talk to me about it, but she's not there yet. But we've got to deal with it if there's to be a chance of R.

[Overtaxed]

My wife was also the last person I would have ever had suspected of cheating. I think it may even hurt worse when you are caught so far off guard. Everything you once thought was true you no longer know.

 

 

I must have asked "Why" a million times. In reality there is no acceptable answer to this question.

 

 

You are only a few weeks past D Day. I am surprised that you are able to process anything at this early stage. Asking "why" is common when in the disbelief and denial stage. You will probably go into an anger stage in the near future. Hopefully, that does not last long.

 

 

Good luck, reconciliation is a tough road to follow.

 

I guess not; I mean, for me, I know what my "why" would be. "I was horny, she was there". Simple as that. No complex reasons, no "you did this 3 years ago" or "I didn't feel something I felt that I should have". Nope. I know my answer would be dead simple. And, because of that, I think I expect her to have a dead simple answer for me. "I wanted out of the relationship". "I was horny". "I wanted to see if sex didn't hurt with someone else". Even "You travel too much and I was lonely". But, instead, I get a deeply nuanced story that really has no "why" in it. Kind of hard to process for me because I'm kind of a simple cause/effect kind of guy.

 

Oh, I'm processing all right. I feel like I'm thinking very clearly right now. Frankly, the period during the A was like a fog for me; I had no idea what was going on with our relationship and no idea how to fix it. Now I know, and I can start to decide what to do; because of that, my mind races and I'm moving through things pretty well. It's just fundamental questions like "why" that stick me in a rut.

 

The anger phase, huh? Well, I think I've already touched on it when she kept lying to me and I told her to pack up and leave. And I've lost my cool with her a few times. But, I have to say, "anger" isn't really one of my top emotions. Regret (for not seeing it earlier/before it became physical), sickness (picturing them together) and, as you said, "disbelief" (I just cannot believe she did this).

[Overtaxed]

Your struggling because your logical, the issue here is her and her issues, she needs to find out why she did what she did in such a brutal way and then relay that to you. Stop trying to figure it out for her, that is her work to do. If she won't do the work don't waste anymore time on her. She needs to be as committed as you in order to save your marriage. From what you have written I don't see that commitment, it's more of a half a$$ed attempt doing just the minimum to keep you. How sure are you that she even wants the marriage?

 

To the last point, I'm not sure. She says she does. Her mother is telling me daily to be patient with her and how much she loves me. And she's taking some actions that show me she does. But I'm not 100% convinced she really does, if I'm honest with myself.

[MJJean]

It's possible she is full of rage and resentment simply because you are so cerebral and she needs someone more emotional. Women can become extremely rage filled when their emotional needs aren't being met.

 

It's also possible she greatly resents you and feels rage toward you because you aren't doing/haven't done everything possible under the sun to help her become a mother.

 

As to the why, I'd guess the real answer is because she wanted to. Not for any specific reason, but for so many reasons she can't give you a simple "because I was horny" type answer.

 

Upthread, you mentioned she had texts from two men. One she responded to and the other she was blind to. If you want my theory, attraction made all the difference. She was blind to the intentions of the one man because she did not feel an attraction to him. For her, the communications were totally innocent. The other, she responded to because there was a mutual attraction there and she wasn't wearing the friend zone blinders.

 

I believe she may love you. She had an affair, though, which tells you she loves herself more.

[Overtaxed]

It's possible she is full of rage and resentment simply because you are so cerebral and she needs someone more emotional. Women can become extremely rage filled when their emotional needs aren't being met.

 

It's also possible she greatly resents you and feels rage toward you because you aren't doing/haven't done everything possible under the sun to help her become a mother.

 

As to the why, I'd guess the real answer is because she wanted to. Not for any specific reason, but for so many reasons she can't give you a simple "because I was horny" type answer.

 

Upthread, you mentioned she had texts from two men. One she responded to and the other she was blind to. If you want my theory, attraction made all the difference. She was blind to the intentions of the one man because she did not feel an attraction to him. For her, the communications were totally innocent. The other, she responded to because there was a mutual attraction there and she wasn't wearing the friend zone blinders.

 

I believe she may love you. She had an affair, though, which tells you she loves herself more.

 

The first one, yeah; that's me. We would talk about D and I was "cool as a cucumber". Not because it's what I wanted, not at all. But because the way I grew up, my parents taught me to believe that emotions are weak, logic is powerful. So, my logical mind kicked in when she said D, and I just started to plan what it would look like, who would get what, how we would tell people. No emotions at all, because, in my mind, I'd tried everything to make her happy and couldn't; therefore D was the "logical" answer. But just because I never let these emotions show, doesn't mean I don't have them. I just control them very, very closely. And, if a woman wants an emotional man, I could see how that would drive her nuts.

 

And, as mentioned above, IMHO, kids and my reluctance to do IVF; yeah, I think that's a huge part of it.

 

IDK about the last part. The other guy who'd been sending somewhat inappropriate TXTs is much better looking than the AP. Younger. Not married. Would be a FAR better choice if she wanted to eject into the arms of another man who might actually get her pregnant. Now, to your point, he wasn't spinning the "God wants us together" BS that the AP was, so, perhaps that did reduce his attractiveness in my WW's eyes. But, looking at it on the surface, he's a much better partner if she was trying to move on.

 

How can people be so blind to this stuff? Look, if someone from work of the opposite sex (and age/looks appropriate) is TXTing you, and it's NOT about work, he wants to sleep with you. It's that simple. Wake up people!

 

In a bit of serendipity, right after D-day, I had to travel for work. While I was there, a new hire at the company (woman) was introduced to me and was involved in a group conversation with a few of us. A little older than me, relatively attractive, nice personality. Well, low and behold.. The next day, I get a TXT from her. Ignore it. A few more come in over the following week, all ignored. Anyway, instead of deleting them (which is what I've always done), I kept them to show the wife. She looked through the one sided TXT's and said to me "OK, what am I looking at; what's wrong with this?". <Sigh> Do you really not know?! This woman is trying to sleep with your husband! WAKE UP. But, because the TXT's were nothing sexual (but they were personal, in the group we were talking about riding motorcycles, she sent me over a few TXTs about that), she didn't see anything wrong with it. I really feel like she's blind to it; don't you know how these things work?! She does NOT want to be my friend, she wants to have someone to sleep with on work functions. And it terrifies me that my wife, even reading the TXTs, couldn't see it. She's far too trusting (as am I, but only when it comes to her).

 

Oh, and you ready for the real kicker? The girl who was TXTing me? Her first name is the same as my wife's. It's like someone has a sense of humor.

[Overtaxed]

I know. I'm replying to myself.

 

But I had a bit of an epiphany while cleaning the litter boxes this evening. See what others think.

 

My wife, growing up, wasn't ever the "pretty girl". She was always in great shape, and when I met her, I thought she was a knockout. But, in a room of people her age at the time (early 20's or so), she wasn't the girl that everyone would be looking at.

 

Fast forward 15 years. Now, in a room of people her age, my wife is knockout. She's thin, she spends a lot of time on her appearance, she works out all the time, watches what she eats. And it shows, she looks 10 years younger than most of the other women her age (especially since so many people are overweight once they cross mid 30's).

 

So, I'm wondering. Could it be that she's getting more attention that she's ever gotten before because she's now in that "upper echelon" of looks? And, not having children, men make certain assumptions about that as well (not going to be too detailed, but they do). I'm kind of thinking that this may be the beauty came out later for her, and she really doesn't know that so many men are interested in her? IDK, not trying to make more excuses for her (suppose I've made enough); but this may be part of the reason she's not as used to attention from guys compared to other women.

[sandylee1]

 

 

I found another set of TXT messages from a guy at work; and I could see both sides of the discussion here. He was showing clear sexual interest and she was completely blind to it. Her messages back to him were totally innocent.

 

 

Could have been because she wasn't attracted to him. I know when a guy is hitting on me like that and I act quite innocent, like I didn't have a clue. I just deflect, like I didn't realise what he as doing.

 

 

I was at a work event after d-day and a work colleague there (woman), approached me, rejected her, looked me up in the corporate directory and sent me over a few TXT messages. I didn't respond to them, but I did save them to show the wife. Not because they are graphic, but the opposite, because they appear so innocent. She looked at them and said something like "OK, but what's wrong with this". What's wrong is that the women has NO interest in being my friend or getting to know me. She wants to sleep with me, and is using the "camel's nose" to get me TXTing her to establish a connection. I know the games, I know the tricks, and I won't "play along" or play with fire and keep a TXT exchange going. She works with me, we attend work events together, and I know that is CRAZY dangerous to have her as a "friend" when it's clear she has other intentions in mind. I have to get my wife to understand that about herself, and see this in other people's intentions.

 

 

OT,

 

 

I think it's great the way you keep away from situations that could tempt you. You've mentioned staying away from hotel bars and eating in your room while away on business. You have very good understanding of how affairs start up.

 

 

I don't think it's a case of you're seeing who your wife is now, I think it's a case of she's changed over time, as many of do as we get older. perhaps she thought kids weren't such a big deal at the time you married. over time, she may have see her friends/family having kids and feel differently about it.

 

 

Some people are more naïve or gullible than others and can be manipulated more easily, that's a fact... and maybe your wife is one of them. All that said, it was probably quite easy to manipulate her, especially for a serial cheater (who knows all the tricks) because she didn't feel happy in the marriage.

 

 

You love her, that much is obvious, but you should try and ascertain whether she will be satisfied in your marriage going forward and not be resentful ...without children.

[Overtaxed]

OT,

 

 

I think it's great the way you keep away from situations that could tempt you. You've mentioned staying away from hotel bars and eating in your room while away on business. You have very good understanding of how affairs start up.

 

 

I don't think it's a case of you're seeing who your wife is now, I think it's a case of she's changed over time, as many of do as we get older. perhaps she thought kids weren't such a big deal at the time you married. over time, she may have see her friends/family having kids and feel differently about it.

 

 

Some people are more naïve or gullible than others and can be manipulated more easily, that's a fact... and maybe your wife is one of them. All that said, it was probably quite easy to manipulate her, especially for a serial cheater (who knows all the tricks) because she didn't feel happy in the marriage.

 

 

You love her, that much is obvious, but you should try and ascertain whether she will be satisfied in your marriage going forward and not be resentful ...without children.

 

ROFL, thanks for that Sandy. Because, I'll tell you the truth, I feel like a man with no self control that has to "hide" to keep himself faithful. I wish it just "flowed" and I was the teflon-Don around women. But I'm not. I know that. I have a real weakness for the attentions of women and I also have a seriously high sex drive. So I hide in my hotel room while my co-workers drink the night away at the bar. But don't take this as a sob story; in the beginning, I missed it. Now, I can't stand it when I have to do it. I'd much rather be in my room reading, talking to family or wife on the phone or in the hotel gym (although, also not the safest place, much better than the bar). I'm at peace with it, it keeps me (and my marriage) safe, and I love waking up in the morning after 8 hours of sleep (instead of 4) and without a hangover.

 

That last point is really the crux of the issue, isn't it. I'm pretty confident right now that I'll get the confession/information that I want. I'm also pretty confident that the wife will stay and take some pretty drastic steps to change things to fix our relationship. But... Will she be happy? I really don't know. I can't imagine the female need to have children (much like women can't imagine the male need for sex) and, honestly, I have no idea if it's going to be a passing thing, or if she'll spend the rest of her life regretting it. Sad thing is, no matter what she does, she'll spend the rest of her life regretting it; if we split, I think she'll quickly realize what she lost. And she probably won't wind up with the kids she seems so set on having. Might wind up with another woman's kids (if she were to connect with a man who already had them) and maybe that would fill the void. IDK, because, frankly, I can't imagine what the drive is like for women. Some women seem to want them from age 12 onward, some never want them. So it seems very much an individual decision.

 

The last thing I want to do is hold her in this relationship, make us both miserable, and wind up with a bitter woman for my spouse because of what I took from her. I've told her many times, if you really want kids, we need to break up (before the marriage) or get a D. As others have said, maybe this was her way of "getting a D".. Not exactly the right way to go about it, but, hey, nobody's perfect, right?

 

And yes, it was very easy to manipulate her. I saw it. I saw the game playing in TXT (and I can only imagine how much more intense in person). She's already told me some of the things he said; "Why would OT keep you from being a mother, he must not really love you", "You'd be a fantastic Mom", etc, etc, etc.. She was clearly manipulated by this man, but yes, she was unhappy in our relationship (as was I; things were "not good" for the last 6 months or so; but not "awful" either, just strained).

[elaine567]

"The revenge", IMHO, might be the best answer, she was just filled with rage at me (which is obvious looking at all the electronic communications between her and her friends). Which is why I keep coming back to "children" as the underlying issue, I didn't do anything else to her in our relationship that could even be construed as "wrong enough" to justify that kind of rage.

 

How do you propose she gets over that rage and resentment?

I see you had a "fun day" with sex involved but the sex with you is very painful for your wife so I guess she wasn't having much "fun" there, no matter what she said or how she acted at the time.

She is a WW, she will now feel obliged to have sex with you, but that doesn't mean she will not be angry and resentful when you again hurt her during sex.

I am not trying to bash you but you still seem impervious to what is wrong here. I guess the psych suggested no sex based on what your wife wanted

and here you go ignoring it...

I see that sex is very important to men, and I know it is an important part of how men see love and affection, but sometimes I see men thinking that sex is the cure-all, that "We are having sex so all is right with the world", when the opposite is glaringly obvious from a female perspective.

 

I'm trying to get her to see it and talk to me about it, but she's not there yet. But we've got to deal with it if there's to be a chance of R.

Has your wife ever said that she actually wants to reconcile?

 

I see a lot of cold hard logic here and rationalisation and little emotion from you, women tend not to like that long term.

It can get to be a very lonely place.

 

I guess like this woman here #15, she found someone to "share stuff" with, an emotional connection.

[BuddyX]

On a scale of 1-10 (10 being great), how was your marriage before the A? Honestly answer that question. Then add the A to the equation.

[Overtaxed]

On a scale of 1-10 (10 being great), how was your marriage before the A? Honestly answer that question. Then add the A to the equation.

 

Before the A. Probably an 8. It was better than any other marriage I'd ever seen in person. My friends would rail on endlessly about their wives and I'd sit there and think "Sucks to be them". I wouldn't give it a 10 because there were issues, we did disagree and fight about some things, and we both worked too much. But I'd rate most marriages I see as about a 3-4; I have high expectations.

 

During the A. Probably a 4 or 5. Which is what made the D talk even harder to understand. We were under a ton of pressure, work, buying a new house, sick family member. Just a LOT going on. So I never looked at it and thought "We're in trouble", even when the wife brought up D, I thought it was just a reaction to the stress. I know, this was clinically dumb. I just didn't think people who had a marriage like ours got divorced. It was so much better, even during the A, than what most of my friends have, I just couldn't picture us actually getting a D.

[BuddyX]

8 is a solid number. I know guys in 3-5 range. And I know for a fact they would still stick around even if the W cheated.

 

Your marriage has a shot. But she has to be remorseful and give you time to recover.

[elaine567]

Before the A. Probably an 8. It was better than any other marriage I'd ever seen in person.

 

Ok but how do you think your wife would have rated it?

When did all this angry resentful venting with her friends start?

[Overtaxed]

How do you propose she gets over that rage and resentment?

I see you had a "fun day" with sex involved but the sex with you is very painful for your wife so I guess she wasn't having much "fun" there, no matter what she said or how she acted at the time.

She is a WW, she will now feel obliged to have sex with you, but that doesn't mean she will not be angry and resentful when you again hurt her during sex.

I am not trying to bash you but you still seem impervious to what is wrong here. I guess the psych suggested no sex based on what your wife wanted

and here you go ignoring it...

I see that sex is very important to men, and I know it is an important part of how men see love and affection, but sometimes I see men thinking that sex is the cure-all, that "We are having sex so all is right with the world", when the opposite is glaringly obvious from a female perspective.

 

 

Has your wife ever said that she actually wants to reconcile?

 

I see a lot of cold hard logic here and rationalisation and little emotion from you, women tend not to like that long term.

It can get to be a very lonely place.

 

I guess like this woman here #15, she found someone to "share stuff" with, an emotional connection.

 

Cold reality dose. Thank you!

 

First off, let me address the sex thing. Now, of course, I don't know if I'm getting the truth here, but I will tell you what she tells me. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's not (time of the month perhaps). I've never heard her describe it as "extremely painful", just "painful". And we've been working on our communication; if it hurts, tell me, and we can move or do something else. And she has, one sexual encounter after the A, she told me exactly that and we changed things up which she said was much better. Now, do I know this for a fact? No, I don't, and I could be hurting her with every encounter and she's just not telling me. I hope not, that's for sure.

 

The recommendation for no sex from the IC was followed for a period of time, just not as long as suggested. The IC also told the wife she should leave the home for a sabbatical; which, of course, would have ended our marriage. There's only so much a man can take; wife sleeping with another man in your home; then deciding not to sleep with you at all and going on a trip for a few months to find herself? Yeah, that's over the line for me, and I suspect it would be for just about every man on the planet.

 

Yes, she has said she wants to R. So at least there's that!

 

And finally, yes, I live in logic. It's my job. It's how my mind works. And it seems to describe the world (with the exception of things like this) very well. So it's very hard for me to flip over to an "emotional" way of looking at things. Typically when someone encourages me to use my emotions, they are actually trying to manipulate me into doing something, so I'm very wary of letting them have a say in what I do on a day to day basis. And yes, I am aware that women are very different (and some men are as well). But, I have to defend myself a bit here; my wife always speaks to me in her emotional language instead of logic. Didn't put me into a place where I was ready to cheat (or did). Didn't cause me to be critically lonely. So, yes, we communicate differently. And yes, I can try to open more of my emotions (as stunted as they may be) into our conversations. But, a woman being lonely enough to cheat because their husband won't talk about his feelings (we always talk about hers, BTW); that just doesn't fly with me.

[Overtaxed]

Ok but how do you think your wife would have rated it?

When did all this angry resentful venting with her friends start?

 

I don't know.. I will ask her though and report back (rather than make it up, I suspect I'll be wrong).

 

The venting with friends started around the time the A did. A bit after, if I have the timeline right, but, the EA had already started to blossom.

[Overtaxed]

I see that sex is very important to men, and I know it is an important part of how men see love and affection, but sometimes I see men thinking that sex is the cure-all, that "We are having sex so all is right with the world", when the opposite is glaringly obvious from a female perspective.

 

One quick addition.

 

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. My wife's love language is words of affirmation/acts of service. Imagine if I had cheated and my therapist recommended that I start to withhold all encouraging words to my wife and stop doing anything for her. I think that people forget that sex is the way that some people show and receive their love from others. My wife taking my car to be washed does nothing for me (love wise), I know where the car wash is and while I appreciate it, it's not an act of love to me. Me doing the reverse for her IS an act of love.

 

But, all that said, would you think is reasonable that I cut off all the ways my wife receives love after I'd been the WS in an A? I think people forget that sex is more than sex, especially for men.

 

Not intended to flame, just provide another perspective.

[kgcolonel]

One quick addition.

 

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. My wife's love language is words of affirmation/acts of service. Imagine if I had cheated and my therapist recommended that I start to withhold all encouraging words to my wife and stop doing anything for her. I think that people forget that sex is the way that some people show and receive their love from others. My wife taking my car to be washed does nothing for me (love wise), I know where the car wash is and while I appreciate it, it's not an act of love to me. Me doing the reverse for her IS an act of love.

 

But, all that said, would you think is reasonable that I cut off all the ways my wife receives love after I'd been the WS in an A? I think people forget that sex is more than sex, especially for men.

 

Not intended to flame, just provide another perspective.

 

 

OT....just my opinion but earlier you said that she was looking for a new IC....has that fallen by the wayside? I think you have a real gem on your hands with your wife's therapist. At the very least, she should explain to you personally what she's trying to accomplish here. Someone also said that the therapist is for your wife, not the marriage....reading this my response i think would be "no-sh#T Sherlock". This is damaging to the marriage and enforcing distance between you and your WW.

 

Again, Just my opinion....

[elaine567]

One quick addition.

 

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. My wife's love language is words of affirmation/acts of service. Imagine if I had cheated and my therapist recommended that I start to withhold all encouraging words to my wife and stop doing anything for her. I think that people forget that sex is the way that some people show and receive their love from others. My wife taking my car to be washed does nothing for me (love wise), I know where the car wash is and while I appreciate it, it's not an act of love to me. Me doing the reverse for her IS an act of love.

 

But, all that said, would you think is reasonable that I cut off all the ways my wife receives love after I'd been the WS in an A? I think people forget that sex is more than sex, especially for men.

 

Not intended to flame, just provide another perspective.

 

I understand completely. Its a horrible situation for you all together. I agree, it is awful to realise she slept with another man in your home and now doesn't want to have sex with you. I would not cope with that well either, but I don't think I would be having sex at all with a WS, but that is just me maybe...

But getting back to your wife, sex is a bone of contention in your marriage, and I just doubt that having sex with her atm, will do much to heal it, that is all.

Is she doesn't see sex as an act of love then no matter how much feeling there is behind it then she will not view it as anything special.

I guess, she would rather you washed her car...

[kgcolonel]

I understand completely. Its a horrible situation for you all together. I agree, it is awful to realise she slept with another man in your home and now doesn't want to have sex with you. I would not cope with that well either, but I don't think I would be having sex at all with a WS, but that is just me maybe...

But getting back to your wife, sex is a bone of contention in your marriage, and I just doubt that having sex with her atm, will do much to heal it, that is all.

Is she doesn't see sex as an act of love then no matter how much feeling there is behind it then she will not view it as anything special.

I guess, she would rather you washed her car...

 

Elaine

 

You make some really great points here. I always grow from hearing your POv. In this case however I do feel that it is the WW that has all the car washing to do. Yes she may have had reason to exit the M and move on but not to do what she did to OT and the M. I am just really challenged by the whole lack of either remorse or commitment to a decisive move, either to move on or to rebuild. OT, you've got an awful lot of patience and stamina. Kudos to you man!!

[Overtaxed]

OT....just my opinion but earlier you said that she was looking for a new IC....has that fallen by the wayside? I think you have a real gem on your hands with your wife's therapist. At the very least, she should explain to you personally what she's trying to accomplish here. Someone also said that the therapist is for your wife, not the marriage....reading this my response i think would be "no-sh#T Sherlock". This is damaging to the marriage and enforcing distance between you and your WW.

 

Again, Just my opinion....

 

Well, no, but that's not really her fault. We're moving 500 miles away from our current home in ~1 month. I told her we'll find someone new in the new location, she only has 3-4 sessions left, and I figured starting over would be kind of a waste of time. I would like to get a few MC sessions in before we move though, even though we won't have a lot of time, any help we can get would be good.

[Overtaxed]

I understand completely. Its a horrible situation for you all together. I agree, it is awful to realise she slept with another man in your home and now doesn't want to have sex with you. I would not cope with that well either, but I don't think I would be having sex at all with a WS, but that is just me maybe...

But getting back to your wife, sex is a bone of contention in your marriage, and I just doubt that having sex with her atm, will do much to heal it, that is all.

Is she doesn't see sex as an act of love then no matter how much feeling there is behind it then she will not view it as anything special.

I guess, she would rather you washed her car...

 

Unfortunately, physical touch is my love language. If I don't have sex with her, and aren't intimate, I know I'll walk out the door. Because not doing that would be her reinforcing "I don't love you" on top of the A; again, I say it somewhat in jest.. But there's only so much a man (or woman) can take.

 

She would me rather wash her car. Or tell her she looks great in the morning. But that's not really the point, none of those things help me feel close to her again. So, sure, I can give her all the words of affirmation that she can stand, but it's not going to make me feel loved; which, is in desperately short supply right now.

 

I'm not sure she's ever seen sex as "an act of love". Even with the AP, she said that after the first time or two, it was "back to a duty, more than a desire" (or something to that effect). And, knowing her, I believe it; she's always seen sex as a bit of a chore more than something she looks forward to, even very early in our relationship. The title of this thread, "Low sex partner", was not an exaggeration.

 

The thing that blows my mind about it is how much she enjoys sex (physically at least) once we do it. As I stated many pages ago, she easily orgasms and has never had a problem with getting a "few" out in really short period of time. And she seems to really like orgasms (who doesn't, right). So I just never got it; it's not a physical thing (besides pain during sex, but, I'd be happy having "sex sex" 1/10th the amount we do today and replacing that with other sexual acts), it has to be a mental thing. IMHO, it's a block from her childhood; "good girls don't like sex" or something to that effect. It's a mystery to me, that's for sure.