Low sex partner in affair. Fresh d-day

[Overtaxed]

This is the part I don't get. My understanding is that you felt you win the lotto and had an amazing marriage. So how was it falling apart? Was the marriage a lotto win for you or were you unhappy in the marriage?

 

My point is that your marriage may have been falling apart to your wife, but it was her own doing. And she didn't really let you in on that. On what was going on in her head, like a good partner should. Instead she allowed you to feel you had "won the lotto".

 

And for those saying only you know if you love your wife enough to reconcile...just remember that love is just as irrational an emotion as any. To me your wife is emotionally unhealthy and her actions have been emotionally abusive, both pre A and including the A. I would be urging anyone in a relationsp with an abuser to leave.

 

Our marriage was falling apart during the A. Before that, we, like any couple, had our problems, but, let me put it this way. It was better than I'd ever imagined married life COULD be (not would be, very different). And I think that my W would say something similar if she were being honest. I know the posters on here hate it when I say this, but, I heard from lots of people, friends/family/etc, "I'd die to have what you and <wife'sname> have". And I don't believe it was all an act, it wasn't; we really did have a very special relationship (which is why I'm trying to save it, and I think she's starting to realize it again and is joining me in that goal).

 

There's absolutely some emotional abuse that pre-dates the A. And, let me be clear, I did some things to her too; you're not hearing her side of the story, I'm not Mr. Perfect! But, frankly, thinking back, the biggest abuses were all about the same thing; children. And secondarily perhaps, sexual issues between us, but children is where she really did terrible wrong to me. That stuff I posted about the fertility clinic; that was truly awful. And there was no A going on then, AND she was on medication. That was just an awful thing to do to me; I've been apologizing for that day for years, and, when I finally found the messages (years old now) that proved that she had lied to me about the purpose of that Dr's visit (she told me it was the next step in her endo treatments, NOT that it was an IVF doctor), I about lost it. That was nearly as hurtful to me as the A; because, in my eyes, that's the day our marriage took a turn. That was the "event" that she pointed out as breaking her. And it was a LIE. I had no way to prepare for it, and my reaction wasn't unreasonable; I'd like to see what she would do if I told her I wanted her to come support me at the proctologist and 30 minutes into the appointment when most of the questions had been about her they handed her a vibrator and told her to go in the next room and take care of business. I suspect her reaction wouldn't have been very good either.

[Hecan]

Ouch!!! That most definitely can be a turning point. And it is a big one.

(John said what I was thinking yesterday, just more eloquently)

You and I are in the same profession. To do this stuff our brain works a certain way. My husband told me one time during an argument to quit using all my logic on him. My response was that I am trying to show him where he was wrong. His " I'm mad and its not logical!"

From your last post I found myself wanting to draw of a flowchart to see what the possibilities are. The thing is in these types of situations we can't cover all the bases or figure out why in that moment in time someone who is supposed to care wanted to hurt the other so badly.

You are doing far better than you think you are and ALL of those things must be dealt with at some point. I hope counseling is helpful. ( my H got one like your wife's and when I got the ' find myself crap I went in the closet and began to pack his stuff with a very calm "Excellent idea. Please find yourself some place else." All counseling is not created equal!)

Edited February 25, 2017 by Hecan
Addition

[Hecan]

We were also that couple that people thought it couldn't happen to. When I really did think we couldn't work it out I said to a friend on a trip ( because our kids were friends and i thought it would come out that I was pretty sure we were done ( we had told no one either) she looked at me and said " WHAT. you can't do that !!! Then we will ALL know there is no help for the rest of us!"

Talking about pressure!!

[Overtaxed]

We were also that couple that people thought it couldn't happen to. When I really did think we couldn't work it out I said to a friend on a trip ( because our kids were friends and i thought it would come out that I was pretty sure we were done ( we had told no one either) she looked at me and said " WHAT. you can't do that !!! Then we will ALL know there is no help for the rest of us!"

Talking about pressure!!

 

LOL, I can picture exactly that conversation with some of my friends and our families. If you guys can't make it, we all might as well give up now. We were/are "that couple", the ones who everything looks "easy" for, who have the lives that other people dream about, good health, both in very good shape, both with good jobs. I've said it several times in this thread, but, I've never even seen another marriage that looks like ours; let alone one that's "better". Sadly, at least some of this was surface/putting on a show, at least for my wife; but, still, people don't say stuff like that (especially other men) unless they really believe it.

[Bittersweetie]

I don't think she knows why. I'm pretty good at verbal judo, and I still can't get anything out of her other than what I spoke about before, none of which are a "real" reason. Because she wanted to. That may be the best I ever get. And that's hard as he** to accept, what's to stop her from "wanting to" tomorrow. Or the day after? I so wish it was something "concrete" that I could put my hooks into as something I can fix (or not) and move on. In so many ways, I want it to be "because I was horny". Because that, to me, makes 100% sense. That's why I'd cheat, and, if I did cheat for that reason, I know it would mean nothing to me. Sadly, that's not the case here, this wasn't just a PA.

 

Just to provide some perspective, I was probably at least 9 months out from d-day before I truly started discovering the reasons for my choices, beyond selfishness and self-centeredness. I was doing therapy and constantly reading books on relationships, marriages, affairs, self-esteem, etc. I'm not sure if, a month out, I would have been able to articulate valid reasons to my H. I fully understand how frustrating that was to my H. But as time went on, I kept sharing what I learned, and I think that since he could see I was moving in the right direction, that helped.

[Mr Blunt]

OverTaxed

You desperately want to R with your wife. Can you articulate as to why you are so R oriented?

I like to see couples R after infidelity but if you look at your situation logically you have some very powerful anti-R against you. Here are just a few:

 

 

1.Your wife resents you regarding the no-children situation

 

2.You both having children are almost impossible.

 

 

 

3.You and your wife have a permanent incompatibility in the sex department

 

4.Your wife rejected you and replaced you with another man in the areas of desire, emotions and sex.

 

5.You are greatly hurt over the fact that your wife has lied to you for many years, even before the A. You now have no assurance that this has been corrected.

 

6.Two months after D-day your wife still has not convinced you that she wants this marriage, is willing to fight for it. In fact you think her response when discussing divorce is “ I don’t want this anymore”

 

7.Your unhealthy emotional communication and lack of communication. This can be corrected but this correction will not be enough for a successful R IMO

 

I know you have stated that the reason you want to R is that you love your wife. However, if the items above do not get greatly improved your love for your wife will have you compromising in several areas. That will result in you being a door mat and how much love do you think that a door mat can give?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[Overtaxed]

OverTaxed

You desperately want to R with your wife. Can you articulate as to why you are so R oriented?

I like to see couples R after infidelity but if you look at your situation logically you have some very powerful anti-R against you. Here are just a few:

 

 

I know you have stated that the reason you want to R is that you love your wife. However, if the items above do not get greatly improved your love for your wife will have you compromising in several areas. That will result in you being a door mat and how much love do you think that a door mat can give?

 

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I can try. Not saying this is going to be a good try, but it's a try.

 

1.Your wife resents you regarding the no-children situation

True. But to your 2nd point, I think this is more an issue of acceptance than it is with me in particular. I'm not the only problem, it's also her. So, put simply, yes, this is a problem, but it's not a problem a new partner will fix for her. It's also not a problem I'm confident that I can fix with a new partner, women very typically change their minds about children and I have a LOT of friends who wound up in this situation, and then wound up with kids that they didn't really want to "keep" their wives.

 

2.You both having children are almost impossible.

See above

 

3.You and your wife have a permanent incompatibility in the sex department

This is true, but, IMHO, it's not just her. I dated a lot as a young man. I've been with a silly number of women. Yes, I know others have said that there are women out there who want to have as much sex as I do. I'm realistic though, the chances of me finding "her", and then falling in love with the rest of her, and her remaining faithful with a sex drive like mine... It's about 0. Maybe I'm selling myself short here, but I'm just not thinking that "new" will fix this for me. Sure, it'll fix it for awhile, every woman wants to "impress" in the beginning of a relationship. But then we'll be right back here a few years from now. I know that, I'm realistic, and I just don't think I can do much better in this regard. My W and I have sex a LOT more than "normal", it's just not what I'd consider "normal".

 

4.Your wife rejected you and replaced you with another man in the areas of desire, emotions and sex.

Yes, but every BS has to deal with this. I don't see her as any better or worse than any other WS in this respect.

 

5.You are greatly hurt over the fact that your wife has lied to you for many years, even before the A. You now have no assurance that this has been corrected.

This one really sticks out, because, end of the day, this is what I need to either accept/move on, or realize I can't accept and move out. No, I have no assurance this has been corrected. And this stings like crazy; AND I don't understand it at all. Why lie to me about that day in the fertility clinic? We actually had a discussion about it again last night, I talk to her more about this day than I do about the A itself, I simply cannot believe what she did, can't understand it, and am having a difficult time letting it go. It's an old and painful wound.

 

6.Two months after D-day your wife still has not convinced you that she wants this marriage, is willing to fight for it. In fact you think her response when discussing divorce is “ I don’t want this anymore”

While the first part of this is true, I'm not following the 2nd part (it's real early though, so that could be it). But no, I'm not sure she wants this. She says she does. All the time now (which is very helpful). But I'm not sure what "changed" to take her from "I'm going to cheat on him" to "I love this man and want to spend my life with him". Sure, I'm giving her the words of affirmation now, and we're talking at a much deeper and more intimate level. But was that really it? That's all it took and we go from "divorce" to "madly in love again". I'd like to think so. But I'm not really sure what to think.

 

7.Your unhealthy emotional communication and lack of communication. This can be corrected but this correction will not be enough for a successful R IMO

 

Unhealthy? You mean "non-existent"? I'm working on this for myself, and I see this as something "outside of" the A. This has always been a problem for me, I don't communicate emotionally at all; I communicate using logic and facts. But I have emotions, so, in my mind, it's simply a matter of telling my W about them. It's a strange feeling, and I'm trying to work on this with my IC as well; this goes back to my childhood, we NEVER communicated emotionally in my household, if you couldn't argue facts, don't bother talking because you'd get ripped apart. Made me very good at technical sales (what I do for a living), and very bad at relationships with a woman who's used to communicating emotionally.

[elaine567]

This is true, but, IMHO, it's not just her. I dated a lot as a young man. I've been with a silly number of women. Yes, I know others have said that there are women out there who want to have as much sex as I do. I'm realistic though, the chances of me finding "her", and then falling in love with the rest of her, and her remaining faithful with a sex drive like mine... It's about 0. Maybe I'm selling myself short here, but I'm just not thinking that "new" will fix this for me. Sure, it'll fix it for awhile, every woman wants to "impress" in the beginning of a relationship. But then we'll be right back here a few years from now. I know that, I'm realistic, and I just don't think I can do much better in this regard. My W and I have sex a LOT more than "normal", it's just not what I'd consider "normal".

 

The low sex drive vs high sex drive isn't the only problem with your sex life is it?

It isn't the only reason you are incompatible.

Sex has always been between "some" and "really" painful for my SO. I'm a bit larger than average and she's a bit smaller

I think any woman faced with painful sex from her oversized husband would be low drive. She is a woman with a small vagina and endometriosis, you are a man with an above average penis and a high sex drive.

 

I can't think of anything much worse than having to endure painful sex (unless pain floats your boat and I don't think that that is the case here).

Sex is the time when you want to feel close to your partner, when you want to enjoy yourself, when you want to be happy, when you want to build a bond, but if all you can think about is plastering on a smile, gritting your teeth and wondering how much longer, then.S

 

Yes, at the moment, as a WW she most likely feels obliged to give you lots of sex, but how long is that really going to last?

It is an artificial situation, created by the affair, she won't be able to keep that up, especially when the shine of the new house wears off, and the old bug bear of kids crops up again.

[elaine567]

Your unhealthy emotional communication and lack of communication. This can be corrected but this correction will not be enough for a successful R IMO

Unhealthy? You mean "non-existent"? I'm working on this for myself, and I see this as something "outside of" the A. This has always been a problem for me, I don't communicate emotionally at all; I communicate using logic and facts. But I have emotions, so, in my mind, it's simply a matter of telling my W about them. It's a strange feeling, and I'm trying to work on this with my IC as well; this goes back to my childhood, we NEVER communicated emotionally in my household, if you couldn't argue facts, don't bother talking because you'd get ripped apart. Made me very good at technical sales (what I do for a living), and very bad at relationships with a woman who's used to communicating emotionally.

 

Have you ever heard of alexithymia?

 

"Typical deficiencies may include problems identifying, processing, describing, and working with one's own feelings, often marked by a lack of understanding of the feelings of others; difficulty distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal; confusion of physical sensations often associated with emotions; few dreams or fantasies due to restricted imagination; and concrete, realistic, logical thinking, often to the exclusion of emotional responses to problems."

[Overtaxed]

The low sex drive vs high sex drive isn't the only problem with your sex life is it?

It isn't the only reason you are incompatible.

 

I think any woman faced with painful sex from her oversized husband would be low drive. She is a woman with a small vagina and endometriosis, you are a man with an above average penis and a high sex drive.

 

I can't think of anything much worse than having to endure painful sex (unless pain floats your boat and I don't think that that is the case here).

Sex is the time when you want to feel close to your partner, when you want to enjoy yourself, when you want to be happy, when you want to build a bond, but if all you can think about is plastering on a smile, gritting your teeth and wondering how much longer, then.S

 

Yes, at the moment, as a WW she most likely feels obliged to give you lots of sex, but how long is that really going to last?

It is an artificial situation, created by the affair, she won't be able to keep that up, especially when the shine of the new house wears off, and the old bug bear of kids crops up again.

 

Good point Elaine, that totally slipped my mind. Yes, sex is sometimes painful for her. Sometimes being the operative word here. It depends on the time of the month and, unfortunately, there's no real way to determine if it's going to be painful before we start. Now, of course, all of this relying on her self-reporting, but she does say sometimes (even before the A), "that was great and didn't hurt at all", so I do think it's true.

 

Funny thing is, sex (as in PIV sex) isn't really all that critical to me. I don't want to be crude, but, in most cases, I'd rather have oral sex than actual sex. It's probably because I've had this problem before, when I have sex with someone I'm often thinking to myself "I hope I'm not hurting them" and, of course, that's about the fastest way possible to make yourself not have an orgasm and then, in turn, wind up hurting them. Great cycle, huh. Ironically, the easiest way to tell "will it hurt" is "has she had children or not". Most women with children I don't hurt. Most women without children I do. I sometimes have a feeling someone is laughing at me and my decisions, I really do.

 

That part about "obligated" is the thing that has me lying awake at night. How on earth do you determine if it's "real" or not? I have no idea other than to see someone's actions in context and try to figure out if they are being genuine or not, I used to think I was good at that; apparently, I have a big blind spot.

[Overtaxed]

Have you ever heard of alexithymia?

 

"Typical deficiencies may include problems identifying, processing, describing, and working with one's own feelings, often marked by a lack of understanding of the feelings of others; difficulty distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations of emotional arousal; confusion of physical sensations often associated with emotions; few dreams or fantasies due to restricted imagination; and concrete, realistic, logical thinking, often to the exclusion of emotional responses to problems."

 

This sounds like it could be written about me with the exception of the "few dreams of fantasies"; I'm a dreamer, that's for sure. But the rest of it pretty dead on. I'm going to read about it a bit today; I assume this is a disorder of thinking and not a chemical/physical thing, so, perhaps it's something that can be changed with a force of will?

[wmacbride]

This sounds like it could be written about me with the exception of the "few dreams of fantasies"; I'm a dreamer, that's for sure. But the rest of it pretty dead on. I'm going to read about it a bit today; I assume this is a disorder of thinking and not a chemical/physical thing, so, perhaps it's something that can be changed with a force of will?

 

My oldest daughter has been diagnosed with alexithymia,, and she also has Apserger's and has had issues with depression.

 

From what her psychiatrist has told us, it's not that people with alexithymia don't have feelings or fantasies, they almost seem to have a mental block when it comes to verbalizing them, even using the ever popular " on a scale of one to ten, how are you feeling today?" that mental health professionals love to use:laugh:.

 

With her, logic and order are the top priorities, and she's very prone to black and white thinking and verbal expressions of emotion simply don't happen. She shows affection,care and love in other ways.

[Overtaxed]

My oldest daughter has been diagnosed with alexithymia,, and she also has Apserger's and has had issues with depression.

 

From what her psychiatrist has told us, it's not that people with alexithymia don't have feelings or fantasies, they almost seem to have a mental block when it comes to verbalizing them, even using the ever popular " on a scale of one to ten, how are you feeling today?" that mental health professionals love to use:laugh:.

 

With her, logic and order are the top priorities, and she's very prone to black and white thinking and verbal expressions of emotion simply don't happen. She shows affection,care and love in other ways.

 

The only thing I don't see in myself in that description is the lack of fantasies. I have endless fantasies, both of personal success, success in my marriage and sexual fantasies. I'd say, if anything, I live in fantasy too much, or spend too much time trying to bring my fantasies to reality.

 

The rest of it is dead on. I thought about the "1-10" question for about 5 minutes before responding this morning; I really have no idea how to answer that. I just don't verbalize emotions/feelings at all, almost never because, in my view, there's no point. Why unload that on someone else, nothing they can do to change it. Just bottle it up and wait for the explosion (that's healthy, right)?

 

And the final part is dead on too. I've been pointing this out to my wife now for awhile; my ACTIONS are the way I show love, not my words. And I think she's starting to see that, if you remove the words entirely and just look at my actions during our marriage, it's clear that I love her, and that I've tried to build us a good life together. I just rarely said that, words seem cheap to me, actions are the difficult thing, so I focused on them (to the near total exclusion of the words). I'm putting the words back, they are very easy for me. As I told my wife, I always thought these things about her (affirming words), I just rarely/never said them and tried to show her instead.

[Weezy1973]

During your relationship did your wife tell you her love language was words of affirmation? Or was this something you figured out after the affair?

 

My guess, is that words of affirmation is actually not her love language. As I said before, I think your wife is broken in that she thinks that love is earned (i.e. it's what she does for people that earns love, rather than just being loved for who she is). She is a "searcher" on a quest to feel loved, but she never will because she is broken.

 

Which means she is likely to cheat again. And again. And again.

[Overtaxed]

During your relationship did your wife tell you her love language was words of affirmation? Or was this something you figured out after the affair?

 

My guess, is that words of affirmation is actually not her love language. As I said before, I think your wife is broken in that she thinks that love is earned (i.e. it's what she does for people that earns love, rather than just being loved for who she is). She is a "searcher" on a quest to feel loved, but she never will because she is broken.

 

Which means she is likely to cheat again. And again. And again.

 

During the relationship, no. I didn't read the book until after I knew about the A. And she didn't tell me it WOA, it was pretty clear from reading the book that was her's (and acts of service secondarily). Mine was also clear, physical touch, probably with quality time as my 2nd.

 

As for the "broken" comment, I'd agree that she's certainly broken right now. But we've been together a long time, I don't think that she's always been this way. Perhaps I didn't see it before? Is there any way to make the searcher find what they are looking for?

[merrmeade]

During the relationship, no. I didn't read the book until after I knew about the A. And she didn't tell me it WOA, it was pretty clear from reading the book that was her's (and acts of service secondarily). Mine was also clear, physical touch, probably with quality time as my 2nd.

 

As for the "broken" comment, I'd agree that she's certainly broken right now. But we've been together a long time, I don't think that she's always been this way. Perhaps I didn't see it before? Is there any way to make the searcher find what they are looking for?

I think your needs are moving into territory beyond the purview of an online forum. Ask these questions of your therapist. This discussion belongs in a long-term professional relationship to really help you reconcile all the new insights -- and confusion. Everyone in your position needs this.

[Overtaxed]

I think your needs are moving into territory beyond the purview of an online forum. Ask these questions of your therapist. This discussion belongs in a long-term professional relationship to really help you reconcile all the new insights -- and confusion. Everyone in your position needs this.

 

Agreed; and we still haven't started MC, we're both in IC, but we can't find a MC with an open appt (yes, seriously, and no, she's not stalling; I called at least 5 myself and the earliest new client appts were after we'd left for the new home at every one of them). We're going to start that as soon as we can when we get up to the new place (which is next week).

[Weezy1973]

As for the "broken" comment, I'd agree that she's certainly broken right now. But we've been together a long time, I don't think that she's always been this way. Perhaps I didn't see it before? Is there any way to make the searcher find what they are looking for?

 

Yes, she almost certainly has always been this way from how you've described her. Again, I'll point out that she was drawn to abusive boyfriends prior to you. Emotionally healthy women are repulsed by the thought of an abusive boyfriend. She's a people pleaser (broken). She is almost definitely a perfectionist (broken). She wants kids but chose a man who doesn't (broken).

 

And no, you can't do anything to make her find what she's looking for. Like I said before, she is going to have to acknowledge that broken part and then do the intensive therapy required, and even then it will be extremely tough.

 

The affair was a symptom for her being broken, not the cause of it.

 

Also, make sure you're not being a White Knight...

[wmacbride]

Agreed; and we still haven't started MC, we're both in IC, but we can't find a MC with an open appt (yes, seriously, and no, she's not stalling; I called at least 5 myself and the earliest new client appts were after we'd left for the new home at every one of them). We're going to start that as soon as we can when we get up to the new place (which is next week).

 

maybe having to wait is not such a bad thing. it will be a fresh start in a new place where there won't be as many triggers.

[wmacbride]

Yes, she almost certainly has always been this way from how you've described her. Again, I'll point out that she was drawn to abusive boyfriends prior to you. Emotionally healthy women are repulsed by the thought of an abusive boyfriend. She's a people pleaser (broken). She is almost definitely a perfectionist (broken). She wants kids but chose a man who doesn't (broken).

 

And no, you can't do anything to make her find what she's looking for. Like I said before, she is going to have to acknowledge that broken part and then do the intensive therapy required, and even then it will be extremely tough.

 

The affair was a symptom for her being broken, not the cause of it.

 

Also, make sure you're not being a White Knight...

 

It's not a good idea to diagnose anyone based on some forum posts.

 

people are calling his wife broken, a "searcher" and worse, when they haven't even met her face to face.

[wmacbride]

The only thing I don't see in myself in that description is the lack of fantasies. I have endless fantasies, both of personal success, success in my marriage and sexual fantasies. I'd say, if anything, I live in fantasy too much, or spend too much time trying to bring my fantasies to reality.

 

The rest of it is dead on. I thought about the "1-10" question for about 5 minutes before responding this morning; I really have no idea how to answer that. I just don't verbalize emotions/feelings at all, almost never because, in my view, there's no point. Why unload that on someone else, nothing they can do to change it. Just bottle it up and wait for the explosion (that's healthy, right)?

 

And the final part is dead on too. I've been pointing this out to my wife now for awhile; my ACTIONS are the way I show love, not my words. And I think she's starting to see that, if you remove the words entirely and just look at my actions during our marriage, it's clear that I love her, and that I've tried to build us a good life together. I just rarely said that, words seem cheap to me, actions are the difficult thing, so I focused on them (to the near total exclusion of the words). I'm putting the words back, they are very easy for me. As I told my wife, I always thought these things about her (affirming words), I just rarely/never said them and tried to show her instead.

 

 

A lot of people with alexthymis have very vivid fantasy lives, so much so that it can actually cause a lot of problems.

 

Also, some people with this issue are very prone to ruminating. They go over and over and over the same problems in their minds endlessly. It's almost like a circle, and it can be hard to break. They can be very driven to understand and use logic in situations where it simply doesn't apply.

[Weezy1973]

It's not a good idea to diagnose anyone based on some forum posts.

 

people are calling his wife broken, a "searcher" and worse, when they haven't even met her face to face.

 

The OP is actually the one describing these things, and he has met her face to face.

[CaliforniaGirl]

The OP is actually the one describing these things, and he has met her face to face.

 

He's describing her from a position of hurt and betrayal. Further, he's not a therapist.

 

Only a therapist can determine these things.

[Overtaxed]

He's describing her from a position of hurt and betrayal. Further, he's not a therapist.

 

Only a therapist can determine these things.

 

I would tend to agree with you. If I had to diagnose her, I'd call her "lost" or "bipolar" from her behavior. I have said that she's broken; and, it feels like she is right now, but did not seem that way during the A. Then she just seemed like a crazy person. As I said many pages ago, we'd come home from work, go out for a nice dinner, talk about the new house and how excited we were to get there, come home, make love, then lie in bed and talk about divorce. It was nuts, and I can only describe that behavior, not diagnose it with any accuracy. She was certainly torn between two worlds and had no idea what she wanted.

 

That does seem to be changing. She's gotten a lot more clear over the past week or 2. She's speaking with conviction again. She's far more remorseful, and she's starting to write to me (e-mail) about what happened (not the sex acts, I already know that, but where her head was; what she was thinking/feeling/etc), what she wants moving forward, and what she wants to do to change things. On a negative, because of the move and work, we both have been unable to get to our IC's as much as we'd like, and still haven't started MC. It's going to have to wait until we get to the new house (next week).

 

I continue to be surprised (and relieved, so greatly relieved) how quickly is went from "I'll give up everything to have this man (AP) in my life" to NC. I mean, she obviously knew what she was risking, and the risk was beyond extreme. It was ridiculous; a work A would have probably gotten her fired, the prenup would have left her with very little financial resources, and I already had another house; so I'd just pick up and leave. The AP was never going to leave his W, and, maybe she knew that, maybe she didn't, but, she had to kind of "feel it". But it still seems strange to me that she was ready to throw it all away for him to where we are today so fast. The way she tells it, it wasn't "him", it was just that she needed someone there to give her some support (to end the marriage). And that kind of makes sense; but, in another way it doesn't; on Jan 6th, you were with another man to give you strength, after discovery, you drop him like he has the plague and no longer want to end the marriage? Perhaps the reality of it hit her? Not sure, but I know the reality has sunk in now; I think she realizes what she risked.

 

Still not sure I have full disclosure, but, the more questions I ask, the more things line up. It's really close at this point. There are a few really painful sexual details I'm not sure I have all the details on, but, at some point, I'm going to have to decide "can I live with the worst version of it" and, if so, move on. Going to give it a few more "rounds" of discussion and see if I can get the full truth from her, that would mean a ton to me, even if it hurts like crazy.

[Cephalopod]

Agreed; and we still haven't started MC, we're both in IC, but we can't find a MC with an open appt (yes, seriously, and no, she's not stalling; I called at least 5 myself and the earliest new client appts were after we'd left for the new home at every one of them). We're going to start that as soon as we can when we get up to the new place (which is next week).

 

But are you and her really ready for MC? Seems like you are rushing things.

 

Has she shown you through her actions that she wants you and this marriage, that she is truly remorseful for her actions? I get she's acting sorry, but is that enough progress to warrant working on the marriage?

 

Until she gets to the crux of her issues, how can she help heal the marriage?

 

You are trying to put the cart before the horse. You and her are a long way from being ready for MC. You need to focus on you and focus on becoming more independemt emotionally. You spend far too much time helping her work on her instead of working on you. I see a lot of codependency and a lot of need to control the outcome. You need to conquer these things if you are ever going to be able to exist in an equitable relationship.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Cephalopod